Wednesday, October 26, 2011

To All Those Like JJ Who Have a Lack of Comprehension & Want An Explaination

Tattling to an adult's parents is VERY not cute.  Across the country, how do m'eye actions affect him?  How does telling on me help m'eye parents?  Eye wasn't blowing some trust fund on getting loaded.  Eye was employed as often as eye could be, and still looked for work regularly, parents helped when eye couldn't afford bills, which had happened before addiction happened.  Their money went to bills, never to drugs.  Dad already put me in counseling a year before the incident.  The chance to come clean about anything eye wanted help for was back then.  If dad would have done anything after finding out, it would have been throwing me into the street.  Homelessness, where people get stuck.  It is not where they improve their lives.  It is not where many get inspired to become sober (at least not ones eye've met.)  It is not where someone pays for them to go to rehab.  What the hell did he think he was "helping?"  Maybe he thought that eye was "about to die."  Seeing as eye don't even have to leave the house to get drugs, much less go to a bad neighborhood, eye don't steal from dealers, eye don't share equipment, there's not really a way to put Fentanyl in black tar, eye've been strung out long enough that eye'm no longer even near prone to OD, eye cannot afford massive doses, eye don't really quit and start up again at the last-used dose, and eye'm not suicidal, eye do not get it.  If an average addict "uses 14 years before successfully getting help," this doesn't really say to me that they're fizzling out after three years.  Now - being kicked out of the house?  THAT might have given me inspiration to die, on purpose.  Before that, was perfectly content in m'eye "stupid little life." 

He will probably never see this, but who cares.  Eye feel obligated to say it, anyway.  Yes, eye have "heard of an intervention."  However, ever heard of people not stopping permanently unless they want to?  He said that he didn't understand what eye was doing.  He did not understand what eye was afraid of.

Words pale in comparison to experience.  And that is a big understatement.  How words can express this eye do not know.  But eye will make an attempt.  Without "having been there," you cannot understand motivation.  Without being in the midst of things, you cannot begin to comprehend fear.  FUCK  your "flu-like symptoms." An overview:  Senses become "off."  Anxiety, panic, not thinking straight.  Sense systems, brain function, emotion, digestive system, and more deteriorate.  Eye'll attempt to explain each one's descent separately, so it's not a succession of the entire process at once.   Runny nose, watery eyes.   Next, eyes water uncontrollably, snot leaks out of your nose.  You may even drool, how fucking gross.  (But, you don't know gross, yet!)  Your stomach cramps, time for "#2'.)  Frequent bowel movements make way to diarrhea which becomes unbelievably frequent "Hot brown rice water."  You pee so often, you stop even having anything to drink.  It doesn't really help.  Stomach sourness becomes stomach acid which turns into constant nausea.  Tickles in the back of your throat turn to gagging.  Maybe you won't constantly throw up, perhaps you'll even projectile vomit all over yourself, even at the same time that you're on the toilet.  It all depends on the person.  Senses are uncomfortable and overwhelming.  Colors don't look correct, the sun just coming in through the blinds may make you need to put on sunglasses inside.  Sounds can be startling.  You probably have a better sense of smell than a dog, and many of the scents are vomit-inducing.  Touch is intensified, and some people even get turned on really easily because of it.  You're hot, you're cold, you're hot and cold.  You get "chicken skin," then maybe your skin begins to crawl.  Your muscles twitch, which may eventually become full spasms.  Headache and little pains eventually become "muscle and bone pain."  And let's not forget all your "poke holes" hurting, reminding you of that which you cannot have, that which you cannot do.  Anxiety goes to panic, goes to desperation, goes to maybe a semi-manic state, maybe horribly depressed, or some twisted mixture of a tornado of thoughts as you want to die.  You cannot comprehend simple things, eventually maybe can barely think (except for of your misery.)  The thoughts that spin around may be a little different for everyone, and there's too many of them to even list.  You may hallucinate.  You cannot sleep.  Any tiny bits of sleep you may be blessed enough to receive are short-lived and filled with nightmares.  Have you ever had a FLU from which you cannot escape through sleep?  A flu where your senses go into overdrive?  A fucking flu that makes you seriously contemplate ending your life, or thinking, "What can eye do to get myself killed before this gets worse?"  And have you heard very frequently about a flu possibly shutting down (or indeed shutting down) someone's kidneys because of all their fluid lost from urine, sweat, mucus, tears, spit, vomit, and dysentery-style diarrhea after a couple of days?  Eye didn't think so.

Eye think it's better to walk away than to attempt to force someone to quit.

And with all this, eye am not anti-heroin, but not really pro-addiction, either.  it is what it is, and as Melody and eye were saying, the only drug problem you have is running out of drugs :)  Yes, eye WAS warned by a couple of addicts/ex-addicts at the beginning of m'eye use and binge periods.  However, the commonly-touted "flu-like symptom" shit, plus the mild withdrawal eye felt after long-binges, made me think that withdrawal isn't a big deal, people were just weak and whiny.  Eye too had that stupid "it's all self-control"  belief.  It's so much more.  But, as words are too flimsy to convey something to someone who's never lived it, so the misconceptions will remain.  And into eternity, the non-user tells the addict they don't understand the reason they use, and what the fuck are they so scared of?


  1. Heh. You pretty much covered it. It's so weird how colors seem 'off'. Food smells terrible...god damn how I puke at those smells. I have a constant headache that never goes away too. Ugh. Yuk. good tar is truly a treasure in my area and the shit I am getting now is preemo and I only wish it was this way all the time.

  2. Yay for good tar.

    Glad eye covered it well enough, the way it's described by most places does NOT compare. People MIGHT understand a bit more if they had a more accurate depiction. Too bad that drug and medical sites on the internet don't explain it like that, because not only would it explain it better to "outsiders," it very well may put off kids from getting into it in the first place!

  3. Agreed! Detox--nothing in the world has ever been quite so bad, except maybe the one instance I got cotton fever. I get so fed up with people who get on their soap box, saying shit like "well all you need is some self-discipline--you have none, blah blah blah." I'd like to see THEM try. I'm not pro-using, either--but I'm definitely into harm-reduction and going in with one's eyes open. I wish I'd been better informed before the dragon sucked me in....

  4. I have yet to meet a single "non-addict" who CAN understand it. The best they can do is try. It's why the only successful addiction counselors (at least in my life/experience) have been addicts in recovery.

  5. "Their money went to bills, never to drugs."

    Doubt it. And even if technically their money went to bills it freed up any money you had for drugs so giving you any money meant they were supporting your habit.

    From your writing it seems like your only ambition in life it to be a junkie. Do you ever talk about or do anything that doesn't involve drugs?

  6. Cotton fever - going to edit a post to include that. Yes, addicts in recovery have a better understanding about how to help someone else.

  7. "Freed up money" indeed, but begging on a street corner or donating one's body to medical research doesn't really give a person enough to pay for a house, anyway.

    Well, you're not likely to go to a junkie blog to read a "Julie & Julia" type story including a bunch of recipes!

    Admittedly, eye'm no longer a drug-selling raver who's off on various daily adventures, currently am more of a student and "homebody," so the blog's not going to include a bunch of the sort. Eye COULD sit on here & write what eye learned in Spanish today, but if someone wanted to learn that, they'd probably take a class. Or eye could go on about Pavlov's dog-type experiments, or tell people how neurons work... and the eyes start glazing over. Lots of "interests" on m'eye profile include drugs, and seeing as eye first started getting high from time to time at 12, and for many years, eye only used drugs 4 months out of the year - yet still sold them, drugs have been part of m'eye life for a long time, and so someway & somehow they will probably be involved somewhere in what eye say. Eye have been accused of lacking passion, and eye do not disagree with that.

    Far as "ever" talking about anything else, there's a post about m'eye cat, little blurbs about school.

    In regards to "only ambition" being a junkie, there's a post about music, and as not to "put all eggs in one basket," attending school is not just for the hell of it. Fall-back plan is psychologist or psychiatrist (have not decided which, one involves medical school) of one of many possible varieties: forensic, prison, working at a self-mutilation treatment center, or at an eating-disorder treatment facility (though eye would have to cut out sugar & starch & get on a workout plan, because it would be horrible for the poor girls to think that if they change their lifestyle, they'll be doomed to be overweight.) Or eye could just say screw it all, learn Portuguese, and move to Brazil & live off a future inheritance, or do something else entirely.