Monday, May 27, 2013

What? A Junkie Complaining? NEVER!

Ugh... so today when eye went out, m'eye bottle of crystal light was not completely closed, it leaked over everything - including the phone.  So - now it's hanging out in a bag of rice.  Since eye can't waste the day reading stuff online with the phone, here eye am.

Eye've been scraping by as of late...  sold m'eye books back at a bookstore.  Because only one store was open, the one that doesn't pay well, and they'd "changed policies" what should have netted me $80-100 left me with $26.  Eye knew eye was being screwed.  Eye smiled and took the cash anyway.  Eye've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long, using the hell out of them, as long as they think does coming at the end, they'll do it.  Eye don't find this inaccurate.

The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams.  There are so many things wrong with this. First off - there are two different types of dope.  There's the more expensive ones and the regular ones.  The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes.  So now eye'm stuck doing sub par shit.  It's also very hard for me to regulate.  Individually packaged balloons, eye'll take one, sometimes two.  With a half - eye end up with three shots.  So this is typically used post scoring, before bed, and then in the morning.  Since eye like to lounge after waking up, by the time eye'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don't want to do anything.  Lately, eye've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don't have at least $35? You're screwed.  Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money, only ended up with twenty bucks.  Lovely.  Completely useless.  So this morning eye was feeling like crap.  Luckily,  Angel decided he'd give me one Dilaudid (eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot), which he wouldn't do last night.  It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel "cheery" for about an hour.  In other words, no nod, but better than just feeling normal.  Eye left and ended up making more than expected.  Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!

Then eye had to come home, and Angel didn't want to wake up and call, didn't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control.  Years ago, he "forbid" the dealer from dealing with me.  But one phone call when he wasn't home, and telling the dealer he wouldn't find out, was the end of that, unless Angel is here.  Recently, while he was hospitalized, eye admitted eye could call for myself, and had been for some time.  But now that he's home - ha.  And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn't want to deal with me.  Really?  Haha.  Ok dude.  So, after someone else showed up to buy pills, he called, and eye settled down for a long, boring wait.  But they were fast.  The driver and his buddy arrived, perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was (they've been tweeking lately.)  They had no change, but the buddy drove me to the corner store.  When eye was inside, eye thought he'd left.  Then when eye got in, eye briefly thought he was the other guy.  Eye told him about it, and he wanted to know why.  Lack of drugs.  But why?  Eye can't function properly without them, and pretty soon, "It'll be the same for you, except you won't get sick."  He told me not to say anything else about it.  That, and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior, leads me to believe they're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension. It isn't - it's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures, and just being honest.  Oh well.

M'eye veins have been HELL lately.  Eye know eye mention it often enough, but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day?  Ridiculous.  Angel doesn't want to help, but geez, m'eye Parkinson's-unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for.  If it took me seconds, up to a couple minutes maybe, most times when shooting myself or other people up, and eye didn't manage to fuck up, eye wouldn't make a big deal about shooting someone up!  Seriously!

Well....  eye guess, even though eye don't need to really worry about it just yet, eye should get back on the whole money-making thing, instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush.  Or at least uh... enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty.

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Tango Maureen aka The Adventures of Captain Save a Ho

One afternoon in January, when we were working on "winter cleaning" we heard a knock at the door.  There was a small, thin, nondescript, nice looking girl at the door.  Eye told Angel about it, and he said to let her in.  Her name was Maureen. She told us that Marcel had sent her over, looking for me, telling her that Angel doesn't let him see me.  He laughed and said it wasn't like that, he's more concerned with letting scum in the house than who sees me.  She told us that he had her steal some Pantene from the store, to sell to some lady, but That wasn't working out.  He told her that there was an alternative, come see me, "she always breaks off for me."  This wasn't true, eye'd helped him on a whim a month or so before.  The next time he came looking for me, eye had nothing to spare, and led him away from the house.  Angel proposed that he could help her with a bag, if she would clean the house.  She worked very hard, in between little smoking breaks and making small talk.  She said she was a "dancer" (meaning stripper.)  She seemed nice.  He told her to come back the following day.

The next day, Eric, one of Angel's pill clients, came over to help clean.  She also showed up.  They spent quite a bit of time talking in the back room.  Eric said he didn't trust her, never trust dancers, they're always about the money.  Once again, Angel brought up the whole thing about Marcel and not wanting him to see me.  "We haven't even been together in five years."  News to me, boy.  He felt the need to bring it up again at another point.  She talked to us about wanting to get away from all these people, who were up in her apartment, relying on her every day, her "friends."  She said she didn't want any friends, and was looking for something new.  Her boyfriend was away in jail, possibly to be deported.  He had previously "kept her" from people like this, but now without protection, everyone was out to get her.  Angel proposed the possibility of moving in.  He discussed it with me that night, asked if we can trust her.  Eye said that she seemed fine to me.  Why not .  Maybe she could have a spot on the couch or we could rotate rooms.

She ended up coming over more and more.  He offered her food.  She scarfed it down like she had not eaten in a while.  She probably hadn't.  As her presence became more pronounced, eye noticed that she was getting more and more touchy feely with Angel.  And why not?  Apparently we broke up five years ago.  It irritated me to no end, snuggling, laying on each other, hearing little smooches, her starting to stay nights in his room.  Now, why doesn't she move in to the back room with him?  Excuse me?

She disappeared   He was unable to reach her by phone.  He was mostly worried, and partially suspicious.  She ended up calling him back after being gone for a week, with some bullshit story about this and that, and now she'd just gotten ripped off across town.  Can she come by?  Yeah, but he wants to talk to her.  He told me it sounded like a bunch of crap.  Of course.  But by the time she was here, he had softened to her, was all sweet and nice, told me to grab stuff at the store so he could talk to her.  When eye came back, everything seemed great between them.  He told me that the way she told the story to him, it sounded legitimate.  Whatever dude.  She's using you, enjoy that.  But oh no, he didn't think so.

He told me that no one had cared for him in a long time, and he "needs this."  So, eye've just been putting up with your crap all for fun, apparently.  Eye don't give a shit, that's why eye spend so much time on doing stuff for you.  Nice.  Eye guess he liked the fake attention, the pretending to be interested in things, the overly affectionate bullshit, the "baby, baby, baby" crap.

Eventually, he noticed how upset eye was regarding her.  He asked me why, and he didn't understand.  Eye told him eye'd rather they just fuck then get all googly over each other.

She'd stay a couple days, she'd disappear a week.  He would hate her more as time progressed, then as soon as she was back, he seemed head over heels all over again.

After a few disappearances, he wanted me to go seek her out in her apartments.  Eye pretended to go, on a day eye went and got a haircut, clothes, etc instead.  The next night, he went down to search for himself, the way he should.  How offensive to ask me to go seek out a girl he's enamored with, and who at the same time is using him for drugs?  No fucking way.  He found out that the apartment he'd walked her to but she hadn't allowed him unto - was trashed and she'd actually been evicted from.  She'd been fired for theft.  She was basically bouncing apartment to apartment between guys.  There were a few apartments she wasn't allowed into.

So he came back and told me about all of it.  He was furious.  But then she came back.  He's forgive her if she just admitted she'd lied and stopped.  She tried to explain away all the shit.  It seemed to work.  He told me, so many times, that she was a girl in trouble, a girl who could be stable if she was just in the right environment.  Eye told him that she didn't want to change, and it wasn't just the people she was around.  We had another discussion about "jealousy."  He understood better and appreciated it when he knew that her treatment of him was a big factor in m'eye distaste.  The conversation lead to an official breakup.  He'd said well took you long enough to notice.  Oh balls in your face, he's brought up things back and forth for years, but then he changes his mind, things he says, ways he acts, things that people don't do if they are not together.  He would still do and say things he shouldn't after the conversation, but it toned way down.

She kept doing this back and forth shit.  She started getting way obvious.  One night, on of her men came to get her.  He'd called a few hours prior, she told him that she needed some drugs and to take a shower before coming back.  The phone call had woken her up from a nod.  After the call, she smoked more, and then fell into her usual stance - head flat in lap, like she was trying to eat herself out.  Eye started calling this move her "butt exercises."  Angel got a kick out of it.  Anyway, after the few hours had passed, he called again.  She was asleep in the back bedroom.  Then she started screaming at him, because he was already here.  She went out front and yelled and cried and begged him to give her some money for the drugs that she "still hasn't done yet."  When that didn't work, she went in the back and tried the same game with Angel.  He wasn't having it, and she stormed off.

In subsequent visits, he would pull me aside to complain about her.  But that didn't make him act any different TOWARD her.  She still ate more than we could provide.  She'd still tell him that the drugs he gave her "wasn't enough" and sometimes, he'd come ask to borrow off of me for her sake.  Also, he wanted me to "act nice toward her."  Guess she finally figured out eye didn't like her, and eye guess it bothers most people when they are not liked.  She still pitched fits and disappeared.  But oh - HE had the upper hand now!  he'd come up with a debt she owed him, and she was always "about to pay him back."  he was always "about to start getting stuff of of her."  Eye didn't understand his delusion.

One day, when he was away at a doctor's appointment, eye had to stay alone in the house with her.  She told me about how she's so happy we've been so cool to her, she's about to start working again, and then, "I'll be buying drugs for you guys."  Nice to hear, but it doesn't make it true.  Twenty dollars went missing out of m'eye wallet that day.  But, oh, it wasn't her.  "Search me," as she was pulling out her own pockets, etc.  Mmmhmm.

Eye guess he allowed himself to buy into the crap about her going back to work.  She'd talk about going, but when it came time, she was nodded out.  Finally, she'd get up to take a shower.  However, she needed a smoke before going in, a smoke as she got ready for the shower, a smoke right before getting in ,a smoke after, a smoke while she got dressed.  And of course, she'd nod out plenty.  By the time she was done, it was too late to go.

One afternoon, she came into the living room to make a phone call.  She was begging one of her hangers-on for drugs, seeing if he had any.  When that conversation went nowhere, she went back to Angel to complain about the guy.  When he told her his opinion, she said that, "I never asked for your two cents."  She asked for drugs, when could she get some drugs.  He asked when is she giving him money, when is she paying him back.  When is he going to get laid, why should he put out for getting nothing back?  They argued back and forth, she used words like "delusional" etc.  While true, it wasn't the case in reference to what she was saying.  She was referring to them fucking, something about "I never said I wanted to fuck you."  Well, it isn't like it never happened, eye've seen proof of such on video (tasteful, eh?)  Eye listened to their argument, occasionally piping in, and eventually moving to the hallway to watch them argue.  Next, they started fighting over her suitcase, he said that he was keeping it for collateral   They went back and forth, pulling on it, until she lunged at him.  He grabbed her and threw her on the bed, with his hand back.  Eye wanted to hit her, to prevent him from doing so (not that eye hadn't wanted to clock her for a long time.)  He let her up.  Then they started struggling over the suitcase again.  She said that she'd have "all these mother fuckers up here after you if you don't give it back."  He said, "And I have a bullet for every single one of them, with a couple left over for you."  She eventually grabbed it with such a force that she and the suitcase fell to the ground, right at my feet.  He said, "Now!  Do it do it do it!"  Eye punched her in the face three times.

She sat there for a second, the got up and ran out of the house, with a phone in her hand.  Angel said she had my phone, tried to chase her down, but she got out of the yard.  Eye yelled back at him, "it's YOUR phone!"  She screamed down the street, "HELP ME!"  into the phone at Ramon, one of the hangers-on with whom she had spoken earlier.  She then called the police.  Ramon came and sat with her and waited.  Eye went up to her, "Phone please."  She said, "Suitcase, please."  Eye rolled m'eye eyes and went back inside.

Angel had me throw most of her stuff outside, and hid her suitcase in our neighbor's shed.  The police came, talked to both sides.  Angel came across like he had been victimized by one of the local drug addict girls, the cops said, "You can't let someone you don't know into your house like that."  They asked if anything else of hers was here, eye brought out her purse from the bathroom, which had paraphernalia in it.  Angel asked to look through to see if she'd stolen anything.  He raised his eyebrows after looking in an Altoids container, and set it aside.  They asked if it had Altoids, he said no.  After that, they brought back the purse to her, but didn't give her any shit over the foil etc.  She wouldn't let up about the suitcase, so they kept pushing about it.  Eventually, they brought up that eye had a hitchhiking warrant (really panhandling from a couple of summers ago, but they come up under the same charge.)  After m'eye eyes went big, the looked around outside and questioned the neighbor, who admitted where it was.  The police came back with a lecture, and everyone left.

After she left, he told me that when he had her on the bed, he had whispered some graphically violent shit to her.  He also said that he hadn't had time to tell me and so briefly forgot, that when she ran from the house, she had a ark stain in her jeans.  Eye don't know if it was his threat, rough treatment, or getting punched that did it to her.

Since all that ended, the entire two months or so fiasco, we have gotten along better.  We have not directly heard from Maureen, but we have gotten strange phone calls of background noises, and food deliveries we did not order.  Eye've seen her in passing the corner convenience store a couple of times, and it just makes me smirk.  We have also had one of her friends call looking for drugs.  Her friend, however, is a tweeker.  So Angel won't do it, knowing it's really for Maureen, and he hopes that she is suffering.

For a while, he was going really crazy with it all, wanting to throw bricks through windows of apartments where she stays, wanted to set a car on fire - the car of a homeless crackhead who sometimes drives her places.  He kept talking about it, trying to get some of the drivers to do it with him.  They kept putting it off, which is good, because why get a sentence over the dumb bitch?  It's bad enough she went through all the money he'd gotten for Christmas, and he's been behind ever since - behind enough to sometimes drain on me  even more...  Eye don't like that effects of her have lingered.  Eye went broke as well, all the nights she was here, eye felt the need to be obliterated.  Every mention of her, eye felt compelled to go shoot up.  Once again in this position, but for reasons eye never fathomed.  He got laid a couple of times by some girls, got over it.  Hopefully, this experience sticks in his mind, any time that he feels that some plain looking girl is pretty, that she's worth helping, that sudden affection and sucking up from a random young girl is something real, and instead take it for what it really is.  And if somehow it happens again, hopefully eye will walk out the door.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Occupational Hazards

So swollen, it looks like these hands belong on a three hundred pound man. 

Not sure if this looks as bad as it does in real life - the discoloration in spots, the extra bumps.

So difficult these days.  Feet could work, but there's no one around to help me with such a thing.  The lower eye go, the more eye suck at it.  Well, eye'm half ok with ankles, but that's it.  Too shaky.  Too clumsy.  Not destined to be a great shooter, but here eye am, anyway.