Monday, May 27, 2013

What? A Junkie Complaining? NEVER!

Ugh... so today when eye went out, m'eye bottle of crystal light was not completely closed, it leaked over everything - including the phone.  So - now it's hanging out in a bag of rice.  Since eye can't waste the day reading stuff online with the phone, here eye am.

Eye've been scraping by as of late...  sold m'eye books back at a bookstore.  Because only one store was open, the one that doesn't pay well, and they'd "changed policies" what should have netted me $80-100 left me with $26.  Eye knew eye was being screwed.  Eye smiled and took the cash anyway.  Eye've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long, using the hell out of them, as long as they think does coming at the end, they'll do it.  Eye don't find this inaccurate.

The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams.  There are so many things wrong with this. First off - there are two different types of dope.  There's the more expensive ones and the regular ones.  The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes.  So now eye'm stuck doing sub par shit.  It's also very hard for me to regulate.  Individually packaged balloons, eye'll take one, sometimes two.  With a half - eye end up with three shots.  So this is typically used post scoring, before bed, and then in the morning.  Since eye like to lounge after waking up, by the time eye'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don't want to do anything.  Lately, eye've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don't have at least $35? You're screwed.  Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money, only ended up with twenty bucks.  Lovely.  Completely useless.  So this morning eye was feeling like crap.  Luckily,  Angel decided he'd give me one Dilaudid (eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot), which he wouldn't do last night.  It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel "cheery" for about an hour.  In other words, no nod, but better than just feeling normal.  Eye left and ended up making more than expected.  Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!

Then eye had to come home, and Angel didn't want to wake up and call, didn't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control.  Years ago, he "forbid" the dealer from dealing with me.  But one phone call when he wasn't home, and telling the dealer he wouldn't find out, was the end of that, unless Angel is here.  Recently, while he was hospitalized, eye admitted eye could call for myself, and had been for some time.  But now that he's home - ha.  And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn't want to deal with me.  Really?  Haha.  Ok dude.  So, after someone else showed up to buy pills, he called, and eye settled down for a long, boring wait.  But they were fast.  The driver and his buddy arrived, perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was (they've been tweeking lately.)  They had no change, but the buddy drove me to the corner store.  When eye was inside, eye thought he'd left.  Then when eye got in, eye briefly thought he was the other guy.  Eye told him about it, and he wanted to know why.  Lack of drugs.  But why?  Eye can't function properly without them, and pretty soon, "It'll be the same for you, except you won't get sick."  He told me not to say anything else about it.  That, and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior, leads me to believe they're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension. It isn't - it's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures, and just being honest.  Oh well.

M'eye veins have been HELL lately.  Eye know eye mention it often enough, but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day?  Ridiculous.  Angel doesn't want to help, but geez, m'eye Parkinson's-unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for.  If it took me seconds, up to a couple minutes maybe, most times when shooting myself or other people up, and eye didn't manage to fuck up, eye wouldn't make a big deal about shooting someone up!  Seriously!

Well....  eye guess, even though eye don't need to really worry about it just yet, eye should get back on the whole money-making thing, instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush.  Or at least uh... enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty.


  1. "Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!"

    Yeah when you have to suck dick to do it and it's shot up in an hour. Your life sounds likea nightmare.

    1. My veins are so completely fucked I got to the stage of poking about in my legs until I could get a tiny drop of bloody (ie a dot, not like being plugged into a river at all, like it should be) anyway I was shooting into the dot and about half the time the gear actually did seem to hit me. British "dope" as we don't call it here (we would call it brown or B because it's rubbish from Afghanistan still in the raw so you have to put citric acid with it which really does fuck up the veins)... well it's so ridiculously weak now. The stuff I've been doing is laced with benzos and they must somehow get access to neat benzodiazepines because it's patently NOT crushed up pills (which leave a horrible mush) that is how I managed to kick a can of paint over in my hallway... Erm I can't remember what else I wanted to say. I did read back what I put on my blog and it sounds like a load of paranoid drivvel. That's the problem with trying to blog how you "feel" on the one hand I feel like I'm being "honest" on the other it just sounds like I'm acting out via the written word as I certainly wouldn't talk to a "real" person like that... Do you know what I mean..??

    2. Ahh anonymouses.... how eye've missed you!

      Nightmare? Nightmare is as nightmare does, it's really all in how one perceives things. While the time between student loans running out and getting a summer job can be at times obnoxious (due to the unreliable and unpredictable nature of not having some steady paycheck) - eye don't find it a "nightmare." However - vein difficulties? Yes indeed! But even pre-heroin, eye've always been kinda like that - sweating the "small stuff" but not the big things. Grandma died? It was her time. Car breakdown? Suicide worthy!

      Who said anything about sucking dick? Couldn't it be - oh kicking some guy in the balls and urinating down his chest? Naked house cleaning? Maybe not something sexual at all - shoplifting, fencing, scrapping, begging... Let's not forget middle-manning or selling prescription pills. There are also opportunities here such as testing out potential new casino games and rating them. Vegas offers more than just the typical beg/steal/sell/hooking options, one just has to find them.

      Gone in an hour? Hardly. Eye still have money and dope left over from yesterday, even after sharing. Hmm. Moving on.

    3. Gledwood... the "dot" thing is very familiar. Where it's not really working - but some kinda trickle? Use it anyway! For me that usually means the vein isn't quite "ready" yet, and so using it then will just fuck it up for longer, but hell it's better than just throwing it in a muscle right? Haha. Eye'm not sure that your citric acid is worse than tar? Tar is medically proven to fuck up veins just like chemotherapy. Eye'm fascinated by British people's tendency to call things "neat." Neat vodka, neat shampoo, neat... benzos? What does it mean? Is it just a throwaway word like saying a "fucking cigarette" instead of just "cigarette," or does it indicate something? Eye know what you mean about reading things you've written and being like HOLY SHIT! Ha, some things eye've written to people while in panic or semi sick mode make me sound like a psychopath, or hell, even things that are written in more normal states. Eye don't know, what a person writes in a journal or blog will almost certainly come across as more dramatic than how you are in day to day interactions with other people.

    4. Neat just = "pure"... I'm glad I'm not the only one reduced to doing "dots"... Sometimes it isn't even a trickle... or at least it's a temporary trickle and if you try and move the needle up or down you'll not find it again...

      No tar does sound even worse. If that is possible. How the hell they had the cheek ever to manufacture a product where steps have been missed out or improvised with the wrong chemicals (which is how tar ever came to be) I don't know.

      Our Afghan stuff is called #3 (ie heroin base). Proper fluffy white talcum powder Burmese shit is #4 heroin hydrochloride.

      I think the stuff they get in the Eastern United States is Columbian #4 heroin just not as good as China White which is why it looks yellowy when I've seen it on TV. Best heroin I ever had looked like a yellowy lump of crack. Almost kind of translucent. And it smelled of VINEGAR (which our gear NEVER does) anyway that was China white. Wouldn't have surprised me if it was 95% pure or more I was completely out of it on 0.1g and there was a drought on at the time so I was used to taking severely substandard brown.

      You know the street purity of British gear went up from 40% to 50% over the 2000s. Until there was a terrible heroin drought in late 2010... Goodness knows what it is now... probably about 15%...

      Yeah anyway 50% pure and just £30 for a weighed g. That's about $50. No wonder the methadone never held me back in those days!

      PS you're really lucky having gear coming in from 2 completely different places. Here we have had 4 droughts that I can remember. The least bad one lasted just over a month and with a lot of discimination you could still get decent shit. The first one I remember lasted well over 2 months and my main dealer was fucked. Had nothing all that time and when he did pick up it had bits floating about like tealeaves. ONE single guy I knew had a kilo of hot shit and supplied me throughout that drought, but I had to mess about for more than a week before he would deign to see me, even though I lived right in the middle of his patch about 5 mins from his house...

      Drought #2 I wasn't so fucked in. In these droughts I noticed the people who used to be most reliable suddenly can't get it yet the ones who had fickle quality stuff suddenly come up trumps with A grade shit! Everything's turned on its head. I reckon these droughts were started deliberately as a way of keeping prices up. The 2010 one went on for nearly 6 months and got in the papers. People who'd been on it for 30 years said they'd never seen anything like it. Made me realize just how my happiness was in the hands of ruthless criminals... THAT is when I went pschotically manic and got diagnosed "schizoaffective"....

      ps does the H stuff ever make you feel "hypomanic" sometimes I think on me it does. Now. I don't know. And yet today I'm CLEAN and feeling HIGH. Wow!

    5. Ha yeah, no "droughts" here - pretty sure we're #1 drug consumers in the world, so better keep the supply line going.

      Damn, amazingly cheap pricing. Yeah, eye know, your money is worth about double ours, but eye'm pretty sure most things that cost a dollar here costs a pound there, so basically it's the same far as income to spending - eye'd LOVE for a gram to cost me 30 you lucky bastard!

      Far as hypomania caused by drugs, no eye don't think so... eye'm pretty sure that the state eye experience is whatever, masked by drugs. Sometimes little symptoms peek/break through to different degrees. For example, eye pace the house a LOT, usually while texting or reading stuff online. Eye spent a lot of time being hypomanic, but now don't so much feel like that, just little things show that it isn't totally gone, like being rambly and so on. Last time eye got depressed, eye had symptoms - like everything seemed so pointless etc and wanted/planned to die, but for the most part eye didn't FEEL it.

    6. Oh and in regards to 2 different sources - doesn't really matter bc well - unless a person lives very close to the border of Mexican vs China, you're stuck with what's around. Unless - one happens to be the lucky type who can afford travel (and wants to on top of that) plus have sources, or no fear of looking in a random place.

  2. Dominatrix, selling drugs, etc...they all suck. At the very best you will be exactly where you are now in 20 years (plus tons of student debt that you can never get rid of). More likely you will be in and out of jail, homeless, or if you're lucky, dead.

    PS Your relationship with James is really sick. You are a slave to heroin and a slave to that sick fuck.

    1. Eye don't think they suck. There's a person for every profession.

      Eye've gone around in cycles m'eye whole life. Eye accept it as being a part of me and accept myself so it is what it is and so be it. Eye'll never be "lucky" enough to be dead, surviving is a particular specialty, whether eye want it at the time or not.

      Eye've lived with some real winners, so true. This is the only relationship in which eye've cohabitated. But hell, eye had a roommate who hogged the phone line with AOL - had to go to the pay phone across the street just to talk with friends. Very explosive person with whom eye lived and worked and he got jealous when eye spent days off with other friends. He was gay by the way, so quite bizarre. Then there was another eye had to use m'eye days off to take him around to find work. Once he was fired, had to do it again. Once eye cut down on the partying (on my dime of course) and going out to dinner - he disappeared, in debt. The "best friend" eye saved time after time and went to prison due to trying to get rent money to keep us in the house when we were both unemployed. Got a job and found someone to split bills with during m'eye two month absence, but within two weeks both were fired and abandoned the house. Came back with thousands to pay in order to get the house back. Only saw him again when eye was of use. And let's not forget the guy who racked up quite a debt, turned other roommates against one another, and was abusive toward his girlfriend. Lovely. Whatever, fuck it.

      Everyone's a slave - to work, family, rent or the mortgage, the electric company, fuckin Facebook, their own biological and sociological programming. Some people are more honest with themselves about that fact than others.

  3. "Crystal Light is a low-calorie powdered beverage mix that offers naturally and artificially sweetened beverage options in multiple flavors. Originally marketed in 1982 with Linda Evans as its spokesperson, the company later had celebrities Raquel Welch and Priscilla Presley as spokeswomen. The catch phrase for each of the ads was, "I believe in Crystal Light 'cause I believe in me."

    Aha! Now I know what you're talking about!! ;-)

    1. Hehe eye love Crystal Light. Peach Mango green tea. Mixed with Lemonade. Also Mojito. Then for red drink eye alternate between Strawberry with Lemonade, Cherry Limeade, raspberry Lemonade, and Watermelon (those ones eye use the generic.) Haven't been able to buy a month supply all at once lately, so just been buying liters of Brisk tea day to day.

  4. I was just replying to your comment chez moi. Dilaudid..!!! Never even seen one! Or an oxy! Nobody I know has either. Except one person I met once down the meth(adone) clinic.

    My ultra druggy mate "Greg Arious" has only seen true H4 "China white" one single time and said he did a "dry hit" with it (ie put neat powder in the syringe, drew back blood and dissolved it that way. Which sounds stupid to me but that's Greg 4u...)

    I once found an eighth of China white on the street! Can you believe it.

    (It's true. That's part of how I got on the stuff to start with.)

    Our gear is ALL "number 3" ie heroin base and currently it's so shitty it's not even worth buying. That's why I'm giving up. Well, that's the kick up the arse I'm using to come off. Again. And to stay off. Don't feel any different on methadone. Man did you read those comments about me being grandiose because I'm an addict and that I "think my depression is different from anybody else's"... bloody hell! Please say something to these people if you have anything to say "Terminally Unique or Terminally Ill" ~ that post. Ukh. I don't know what else to say 'bouttit.............

    1. Ha that's so weird, but that's different countries/cultures for you. We're the top of medication abuse, and sooo many choices!

      Weird way to shoot.

      Lucky you!

      Haha well - tar - it MEDICALLY (proven) causes vein hardening and collapse, the only other thing that does is CHEMO!

      Yeah eye understand the whole feeling grandiose and different. But hell, eye've been called "different" by so many people, so it's not just me. Or prob you either