Sunday, July 29, 2018
The relationship - blissful til it wasn't. There are several complications involved, so many misunderstandings when people are on opposite drugs, especially when one of them has never had nor fathomed one truly physically dependent in such a way. And him being such a lonely creature... We bounced around weeklies, he'd befriend other tweekers, end up meeting the wrong ones, and eventually our place would get taken over. Get stalked, can't get away. My ability to ignore the door helped but his inability doomed it. And then, we'd have to leave. And usually were forced to, in not exactly legal circumstances. Move, repeat. Separated for a summer due to his lack of ID situation. Then moved in. And the shit half started up again. Various times of clamping down as this other place was more strict. But legal issues caught up to him. Right about the time we were on the rocks/precarious circumstances with our abode. That allowed me alone time, without the tweekers, got them out of the habit of coming around so much. Then he got out. And he quit tweeking! Mostly. The last times he did it, he was going really nuts. Shit other people saw in him, he was eventually realizing himself. So paranoid. Convinced people were after me, then convinced of me conspiring against him, lying and sneaking around. But he figured it out and stopped. And the people stopped coming around because they couldn't use him for meth anymore. He used coke as some stepping stone down, about a month or two. Then some argument made him realize how that wasn't good either, how he got so volatile. He said he was stopping and he did. Never bought any more. Unfortunately, in the past few weeks of this he'd been using this liquid oral morphine "backup" he bought for me, to come down. Kept going with it til it was out. In came heroin, due to developing a physical dependency. All those times wishing he'd "get it," when it came to me. But never, ever like this! Particularly because he has a horrible sense of self worth around being an addict. So miserable for him. The only benefit at all would be never going sick again really, not even an entire day anyhow. If unable to manage my own side of things, he'd cover for me. Perhaps the withdrawing into himself so it's mostly just us, rarely any scumbags around. But is that worth it? Never ever wanted that for him. His habit grew, and soon exceeded mine. Exacerbated by winter depression. His "taper" attempts never worked, just became months of logs of usually excessive use. Wrong drug perhaps, not "doing" enough for him? Til before going to detox. That did help. But got right back on after. Then had to go away to clean up, because he wasn't going to get clean around me, and certainly not together.
We're going to leave, move together. Because he's long sick of this city, all his realizations about shit people and the environment in general. Plus being from a very rural area, he's not cut out for the cut throat nature and lack of caring. It's gotten old for me as well, and have had dreams of leaving for years. Plus too many associations, ways of living that have been almost exclusively one way for so long. But there's loose ends and saving and setting up to do. So flirting with maintenance (Suboxone) for us even without physical dependency to consider because it's really fucking hard. So many associations and thought processes that are hard to break. He did it over a year, mine was near a decade, but if he sees me do it then he probably will as well. Just making it harder to get out of here.
There's a lot that's happened, so any returns here will likely focus on the years between, for a while.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Eye've adjusted to somewhere else. Enjoyed living alone. Haven't been sick any more than before, maybe even less. But now have a new guy... Eye've known him about a year and a half and loved ot when he came around. It wasn't planned or anything. He found himself between places and was going to give me some money to stay for about a week. He went to LA yo take care if an old warrant and got stuck all week. Eye thought about him and wished things were different. He returned and admitted feelings for me. So we're gonna see what happens. It's been great. No demands about changing anything on either side. He's funny and sweet and it's wonderful to live with someone nice for a change! Eye adore him and am so happy. He's a tweeker. (But we get along great.) Can take care of his own shit and if not then well, he just sleeps ha. So no drug fights or whatever, freaking out, getting mean, manipulation... He's really sweet to me and Eye'm loving it.
Met a new junkie chick so she's coming by for shit... Already has asked me to spot her. Ugh. Didn't and couldn't anyway. Today found out she's smoking it and has only been on it for a couple months. So there goes any potential pity ha ha.
That's about it. Other than finally switching to smartphone for internet purposes. Got it for free but still took over a weelbto finally do it.
Hope things turn out well. Will try to get stable. If not, gonna save up to move to San Diego.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Last night, a friend was talking to me over text. One drunken night (both of us coincidentally) we chatted on the phone and he told me that he could "only imagine" because eye probably don't even tell him the worst of everything. Perhaps some part of me took that as a challenge, because eye have since been very open when the mood strikes. One of the things he told me last night is that he doesn't like to think of me because it makes him cry. (He was probably drunk, come to think of it now... Eye'll probably be informed of that later today, as he tends to come back and apologize with that statement later.) Eye found that pretty silly, and told him that really, there's nothing to get all crazy about. That in accordance with how eye am, it isn't like much is all that different. (Which is something eye bring up repeatedly.) That perhaps now eye'm just more honest with myself than before, with my narcissistic notions of being "meant for bigger than this" and never wanting a normal life, but a plain lack of follow-through, what am eye to do? Eye could die, eye can distract myself, or eye can find a way to make it acceptable. He said, "BULLSHIT." Eye distracted myself for seven years, and eye've made a plain life acceptable for six. Eye said maybe eye'll figure out something else in a year, or maybe not.
Later on, eye told him that eye'd rather he punch me in the face than cry about me. That it's set up just to make me feel guilty - or a double heaping because eye have to feel guilty about not feeling guilty! But with irritation attached. That eye find it extremely obnoxious that he lets himself be emotional about me, when even my overly invasive mother gave up on all that a while back. And after all the suicide watches, and in another time probably thinking eye'd end up on a feeding tube... at least with this eye'm probably more likely to still be alive at 50 than anything else. And with this history of mine, what did he expect, me to suddenly get "better"? Why be involved in that way, when everyone else has just learned to distance themselves or stand back?
It's been over a year now since m'eye ex best friend died. And only very recently did it "hit" me, as in affect me. Eye was walking down the street, going to the convenience store, when suddenly my memory brought me back to October 2006, going up the Stratosphere with him, standing in the middle of the double elevator, in a K hole, hanging onto his hand so tightly, so afraid we were going to fall out, convinced that the elevator was open on the sides. The ride itself, once we'd gotten to the top, ended up being relaxing. But what isn't in a K afterglow? And eye almost cried. Eye realized that would never happen again, that nothing would ever happen again. Maybe eye wasn't upset initially, because in a way, he died to m'eye life a few years prior, when he suddenly quit speaking to me, among most other people he knew. Or maybe other factors are involved, as the friend eye was speaking to last night said, "It's about time, you drugged out bitch!" Ah my friends can be fun, when they aren't having spastic emotional reactions in regards to me.
Other than that, eye recently found out that a little "insurance plan" of sorts that eye had long given up on, will actually work out for me. The person saw what eye saw long ago, the "earning it" thing. Eye also popped up with a business idea that eye had (not illegal) and will let that sink in. Hopefully that helps as well. Of course, there is no ETA on any of it, but hey, it'll be seven years at the end of next summer, so you never know. :)
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Too much "life contemplation" lately, maybe it's an age thing. Maybe it's from being aware of what was coming. Is what eye want even possible anymore, hold out for it? Even Plan B looks very well fucked now, so give up or compromise - and what are the steps toward that? In what situation can eye be somewhat content?
That on which eye used to be able to rely, and to fall back on, is not working out lately. And by most indications, it's likely that m'eye one recurrent stability source is gone.
Walking down the Strip going to a bus stop, dropping dollars for every beggar on the way, one girl comments, "You must be from here, huh? No one else does that."
Watching Cloud Atlas, a particular scene hitting me heavily. Desires.
Ugh, our schizophrenic back neighbor, too often mistaken for a speed freak, has all sorts of fucking people going over to his house lately. In & out, in and out. Storing their carts of junk in the back yard. A friend who was just over here caught someone, who came from back there, breaking into his car. "What are you doing?" The guy says "fuck you" and runs off. No good for him, me, us, anyone. Angel goes back there to raise hell, they deny everything. Like things weren't shitty enough already.
Disjointed thoughts, hanging by a thread on a Sunday evening. Usually alone for the holidays. Not so far this time, it's just barely better than it usually is.
Monday, September 23, 2013
There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking. But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday. Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things. But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother. She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying. He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more. M'eye aunt does the same thing. Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story. But that was all eye expected.
So many conversations. So many people crying. No tears from me, asshole as eye may be. Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.) We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better. She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died. Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.) It was a little over a month before he'd be 28. But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously? On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day. He didn't. Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing. "That's dumb." It is dumb. He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple? He was in his second year of college. But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen. The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly. A bit empty. A bit offended. Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away. Maybe some regret? He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text. Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.) Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become. The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him. And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.
Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it. Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight. She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance." Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time. Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up. Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing. It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to? Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they. Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..." Don't think so. And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever. If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.
It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon." (Oh and eye was! 45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60. Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!" (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper? Oh - dinglehopper!" A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid. He took a picture too.)
It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common. But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened. And hadn't happened in a long time. But then again, maybe it isn't so weird. After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence. Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.
If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything. If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.
It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot. Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive. Like eye'm supposed to die too. Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence. Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone. And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart. With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why. There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small." But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself. But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.
It doesn't seem fair, but why would it? With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate. Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone. No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible. Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type. He wasn't, he was just lucky. The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.
No need to dwell, though. People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything? No. Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone. Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time. So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares? Create or destroy, do both, do neither. Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive." Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.
Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side. JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways. Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both. Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know. To everyone you know. You either accept it and move on, or you don't.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
How can anyone mourn the loss of someone who was never there to begin with? For all of m'eye changes- eye am always, always the same. Giving, but very selfish, self-centered, self-oriented, oblivious, etc.
Am eye a bad friend for considering making another friend wait at the Greyhound station so that eye can make more money? It's not greed when it's survival, and rent isn't even paid. Eye didn't make her wait, eye came with a ride... But eye did not visit her in the hospital while she was here. Most of her "vacation" was pure misery, eye had no bus pass, but wouldn't have been impossible to get a ride over there. Eye did get her a ride back here and back to the bus depot.
This summer has been very hard, hard as hell, "hard as nails." Eye am not keen on having another one, another anything like it. Yes eye spent a lot of time online, but wouldn't come back here to say anything. Eye had other priorities and besides - hate to blog when things are going shitty. There's enough whiners, why be a downer - if someone wanted a downer, well - there are drugs for that. That isn't the only reason. Bonus Points to someone who can correctly decipher why.
Eye've encountered the stupidest circle ever. Eye expected problems with financial aid. There are none. It could be sent to me Monday or Tuesday. But - eye owe the community college $468.50 in order to go to UNLV, or any other school. This is for supposedly dropped (actually failed) classes from spring semester of 2011. Eye can appeal, but it will take a month or two. So, to get it, eye have to pay something eye can't afford. Eye've been barely able to get by all summer. At least the other obstacle circle is no longer in the way - needing to pay to get the internet back on, but needing the internet to make money. Family - completely unsympathetic. "We live with the results of our choices." "Why did you wait til the last minute to enroll?" "Why didn't you get a job?" "Maybe you should take a semester or two off and get a job." Ha - if eye was able to get a good enough job and hang onto it - well, with no car to go to work AND school - eye'd be unwilling to quit and go back to living off of jack shit again while working on a degree. Oh - cell phone is due to be shut off in a couple of days. Eye need that, too in order to get this all together.
Fucked for Life. No matter what, your life will always, always be fucked in some way, and if not - it will be soon. So may as well accept it, and learn to love it. That's m'eye fake gang with friends from where eye previously lived.