Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Same Shit Different Year

Last night, a friend was talking to me over text. One drunken night (both of us coincidentally) we chatted on the phone and he told me that he could "only imagine" because eye probably don't even tell him the worst of everything. Perhaps some part of me took that as a challenge, because eye have since been very open when the mood strikes. One of the things he told me last night is that he doesn't like to think of me because it makes him cry. (He was probably drunk, come to think of it now... Eye'll probably be informed of that later today, as he tends to come back and apologize with that statement later.) Eye found that pretty silly, and told him that really, there's nothing to get all crazy about. That in accordance with how eye am, it isn't like much is all that different. (Which is something eye bring up repeatedly.) That perhaps now eye'm just more honest with myself than before, with my narcissistic notions of being "meant for bigger than this" and never wanting a normal life, but a plain lack of follow-through, what am eye to do? Eye could die, eye can distract myself, or eye can find a way to make it acceptable. He said, "BULLSHIT." Eye distracted myself for seven years, and eye've made a plain life acceptable for six. Eye said maybe eye'll figure out something else in a year, or maybe not.

Later on, eye told him that eye'd rather he punch me in the face than cry about me. That it's set up just to make me feel guilty - or a double heaping because eye have to feel guilty about not feeling guilty! But with irritation attached. That eye find it extremely obnoxious that he lets himself be emotional about me, when even my overly invasive mother gave up on all that a while back. And after all the suicide watches, and in another time probably thinking eye'd end up on a feeding tube... at least with this eye'm probably more likely to still be alive at 50 than anything else. And with this history of mine, what did he expect, me to suddenly get "better"? Why be involved in that way, when everyone else has just learned to distance themselves or stand back?

It's been over a year now since m'eye ex best friend died. And only very recently did it "hit" me, as in affect me. Eye was walking down the street, going to the convenience store, when suddenly my memory brought me back to October 2006, going up the Stratosphere with him, standing in the middle of the double elevator, in a K hole, hanging onto his hand so tightly, so afraid we were going to fall out, convinced that the elevator was open on the sides. The ride itself, once we'd gotten to the top, ended up being relaxing. But what isn't in a K afterglow? And eye almost cried. Eye realized that would never happen again, that nothing would ever happen again. Maybe eye wasn't upset initially, because in a way, he died to m'eye life a few years prior, when he suddenly quit speaking to me, among most other people he knew. Or maybe other factors are involved, as the friend eye was speaking to last night said, "It's about time, you drugged out bitch!" Ah my friends can be fun, when they aren't having spastic emotional reactions in regards to me.

Other than that, eye recently found out that a little "insurance plan" of sorts that eye had long given up on, will actually work out for me. The person saw what eye saw long ago, the "earning it" thing. Eye also popped up with a business idea that eye had (not illegal) and will let that sink in. Hopefully that helps as well. Of course, there is no ETA on any of it, but hey, it'll be seven years at the end of next summer, so you never know. :)

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