Saturday, November 3, 2012

Black Tar Soul

A couple of weeks ago, eye had a strange dream.  Eye was incarcerated with a sizable group of women.  We were in a place that seemed like a combination of a prison and a boarding school.  It was some form of prison, unless it was a fusion of law enforcement and mental institution professionals, because we were taken in under the guise of arrest.  We had been rounded up and placed here, it seems for the purpose of reprogramming.

During the day, we attended lectures, films, groups, and also did reading.  All of the material was in regards to how heroin is evil.  The main focus was not evil in the sense of what people typically say, with the whole destroying lives and families, etc. (not that it wasn't mentioned) - but evil as in the sense of religious evil, from the devil.  It was astounding that there was so much material on the subject, to fill our days with this information.  At night, we went back to our dorms and were to write on what we learned and our feelings before we went to sleep.  So, at our most vulnerable state, during and post-withdrawal, we were fed these theories, truly genius on the part of whomever designed this system if we were going to be swayed to believe this nonsense.  Eye was not favored by those in charge, because eye wasn't buying it.

One night, eye was taking to the girl in the bunk beside me as she was attending to her writing, and eye was horrified to discover that she believed this propoganda.  Eye talked to a lot of other inmates, networking so that eye could still manage to get drugs.  But it was sad, because the other females there were believing this crap, so the ones who still used thought things like the devil had a hold over them, they had demons inside of them, or that they themselves were evil people.  Eye was surrounded by the misguided, and eye could not convince them that they were being lied to.  Eye never got the satisfaction of leaving this place, because there was no resolution before eye woke up.

This semester has been one of overindulgence, most of the time using twice what eye should have been in a day.  It's truly silly because eye did not do this in the way of doing bigger shots, just more shots.  At night while bored on the couch, eye would go back to the bedroom every couple of hours, sometimes less often.  It's funny that eye could not figure out the reason eye needed so much sleep every night.  And so, now the consequences have to be contended with.  Last weekend and this week were difficult, having to go through most of a day without, barely scraping by.  Then eye would do the "wake up" shot in the late afternoon or evening, and the night shot a few hours later.  At least some days of such discomfort resulted in a pretty quick fix of m'eye tolerance, and for a few days eye wouldn't wake up sick, and could even go deal with a class on a pathetic rinse.  Eye'm now back to needing one when eye wake up, and it's back to about six or seven hours of sleep at night most of the time, which is pretty normal for me while on dope.  It's too bad that if you actually learn a lesson, the consequences still last, instead of just being able to move on with what you know.  Well, maybe the idea will just be even more severely ingrained, that overindulgence has to be made up for quickly.  Eye've had times of doing things like that previously, but then after about a week, eye balance it by cutting down so that what eye have will last.  This semester had a couple of half-assed attempts at it, but it didn't last, and eye didn't cut down until eye was almost out.  This weekend was blessedly sponsored by a friend, and now eye have to set myself for beyond this weekend, a few odd jobs to do over the next week, and it's time to get on the phones, a year after eye planned to start.  Well, no one said that eye'm timely about the things eye set out to do.

To the days of wine and roses and endless poses.  Time to attend to homework and various nonsense, well, sometime tonight anyway. :)