Monday, October 31, 2011

Twilght Zone!

Eye just went to class, just to find it completely empty.  Eye checked in the next-door class, just in case eye'm braindead from randomly awakening at 5am.  Nope!

Maybe there was a missed announcement that our groups were meeting at the library?

Apparently, the professor's dog has surgery this morning. 

At least this gives me extra time to study for this afternoon's test!  What a blessing!  Eye lazily spent the entire weekend watching movies, figuring "hell, the two hours between the second and third class will be enough."  Possible, but unlikely. 

Eye'm terrified of Wednesday's test.  In that class, eye got a 67% on the first test, paying attention to the wrong material in the chapters, and having missed the first 2 weeks of classes, unaware that enrolling and financial aid had actually gone through, because as of the morning on the Friday before classes began, eye was notified that neither had worked out for me.  In tests in other classes, eye'm ranging from doing well to fair, getting anywhere between As down to Cs, but eye MUST get As on everything else.  Eye'm a little concerned in Spanish, because now we're into "stem-changing verbs."  The changes aren't hard to memorize, but WHICH verbs change, and what they mean is quite harder.

Eye was so disappointed about being able to find any Palmer's chocolate Eyeball candies.  They're m'eye absolute favorite.  Eye also decided to be lazy instead of getting a pumpkin to carve, or making an Eye costume, but Halloween is going to be spent completely at school, anyway.

October is for Death

October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine.  Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.)  He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule.  Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him.  As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar.  As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend.  We planned to call each other that weekend.

Eye did not hear from him that weekend.  Calls went unanswered.  Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend.  He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment.  JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened.  Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true.  Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave.  We got lost, instead. 

November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend.  He had confirmed the cause of death,  "Meth and lots of E."  M'eye heart dropped.  It was m'eye fault.  In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work.  Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on."  Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight.  Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.

Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB.  In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him.  He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died."  M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose.  This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.

It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains.  Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him. 

October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection.  It was devastating.  Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss.  But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.

October 2, this year, Baby died.  She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard.  She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else.  Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath.  Eye will always regret not having done this.  Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail.  When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away.  She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes.  Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone.  Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me.  Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things.  Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed.  Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Public Service Announcement

So many mistakes are made when it comes to using heroin or other opiates (this targets injected opiates), so here are some suggestions and warnings for people.

Being addicted is quite unpleasant when it comes to withdrawal.  (See previous post.)  If you're going to use in the first place, do not use more often than 8 hours of a day, and wait at least 72 hours until you use again.  (Sources - heroin helper, other users & addicts.)  That takes care of the physical part.  But watch out for "mental" addiction that makes it easier to forgo the rule.  If your clean days seem less worthwhile than the day you use, a problem is developing.  (Source - Gledwood's old blog.)  Consider cutting down your frequency, or stopping altogether.

Do not share not only needles, but equipment as well (cottons, cookers, etc.)  Be very wary of getting "clean" needles from other people - look for it coming out of a sealed package, with the cap sealed on, ensure it does not have a little spot of blood, and in the United States at least here - a clean needle's plunger is not pressed all the way to the bottom, it has about 5 units or so of space/air in it.  Better to just get your own.  And if other people are injecting in your house, WATCH what they do with their needles, so they are not confused with yours.  Do not underestimate the potential for disease, do not trust that people would not infect you on purpose.  (Source -

Abscesses are terrible!  They come from impurities (little pieces of dirt, cut in the dope, pill fragments, etc.) Filter, filter, filter!  Then LOOK at the needle to see if there is a little piece of cotton on it, pull it off, wash the needle in full-blast water. (*Cotton fever can aslo be avoided this way.)  Wash it even if you don't see anything.  Then, keep the cap on until you are about to inject.  Whenever possible, clean off the spot you're going to use for injection, preferably with an alcohol wipe.  Avoid intramuscular injection and skin-popping if possible, and if you get blood in the syringe, avoid putting it back into anywhere but a vein.  If it starts clogging/coagulating, it's best to dump it back into a cooker, add water, re-cook, re-filter.  While injecting into a vein, if it starts to hurt, pull back and check if you're still in the vein, and re-register if necessary.  (Sources - other addicts/users, bluelight, heroin helper.)

Veins, for some people, can be extremely hard to come by.  If a person uses for long enough, even the people who started out with "ropes" very well may have vein issues.  Avoid the whole "track mark" thing - injecting into one spot til it stops working, then following that vein all the way up til the whole thing is dead.  Rotate injection sites as often as you can.  If/when you begin to get to the point your veins are dying out, avoid "pointless" shots.  Don't do cotton/filters/rinses unless there are no other options & you're ill.  Don't shoot up just for the hell of it, and there's no reason to shoot up 8 + times a day - pretty much anything after 5 or 6, you barely even feel it.  Purchase needles frequently, use fresh ones whenever possible, and switch needles if you've made several attempts to do one injection.  Dull & barbed needles do further damage to veins.  (Sources - other addicts & users, bluelight, own dying veins that were small & difficult to begin with!)

Eye don't have the absolute best answer for China White, but at least when it comes to tar - COOK your dope.  Some people say that it shouldn't be cooked because "Heroin is water-soluble and cooking it makes the impurities break down & can also get in your mixture."  Well, bacteria's pretty tiny, too, and can easily get into your needle.  Heat can kill bacteria.  Think some Mexicans haven't rolled an actual piece of FECES into an extremely big block of heroin, in their middle-fingered spiteful salute to Americans?  Ha!  Think again (source - someone who's been there for an instance like this.)  (And before the comments just fly in about "how can you still use it, knowing a story like that - disgusting!  Well...first off, there's that whole heat killing bacteria thing.  And think you've never been served food after someone hasn't washed their hands?  It's more common than you think.  People spitting in food does also happen.  Do you still go out to eat?)  This bacteria can lead to tissue or blood poisoning.  This can be fatal.  (Source - the hooker who used to come over to beg for free cottons off of me, which eye willingly provided, last year eye was 100% disease free which is still true unless someone slipped me something during sleep or switched a needle while eye wasn't looking, and eye DO watch - which is possible but unlikely...  but she also didn't care & was under the mistaken impression that "once AIDS hits air, it dies." You could not tell her differently.  She boiled down cottons, but eye never saw her cook actual dope.  She died of MRSA, an infection she developed from uncooked dope, about six weeks ago.)

Be very wary of letting someone go off to score drugs for you if you do not know them.  Especially when they are an addict, especially to a different drug!  It's especially suspect if they say they'll do it for free or $5 or less.  (Source - own, embarrassing! stupidity.) It tends to be less likely to happen if it's someone like say, your long-term neighborhood homeless person with whom you have shared previous conversations, and you offer to get them a bag.  After all, you see them pretty often, they're unlikely to run off somewhere, and if they're getting something too, there's no real reason to screw you.  Eye hear you can also make similar offers to people at methadone clinics, but have never attempted it, myself.

Um... don't drive or operate heavy machinery while nodding out.  (Source - common sense.)

"Drugs are bad, m'kay?"  (South Park)

And now, back to your regularly scheduled program.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

To All Those Like JJ Who Have a Lack of Comprehension & Want An Explaination

Tattling to an adult's parents is VERY not cute.  Across the country, how do m'eye actions affect him?  How does telling on me help m'eye parents?  Eye wasn't blowing some trust fund on getting loaded.  Eye was employed as often as eye could be, and still looked for work regularly, parents helped when eye couldn't afford bills, which had happened before addiction happened.  Their money went to bills, never to drugs.  Dad already put me in counseling a year before the incident.  The chance to come clean about anything eye wanted help for was back then.  If dad would have done anything after finding out, it would have been throwing me into the street.  Homelessness, where people get stuck.  It is not where they improve their lives.  It is not where many get inspired to become sober (at least not ones eye've met.)  It is not where someone pays for them to go to rehab.  What the hell did he think he was "helping?"  Maybe he thought that eye was "about to die."  Seeing as eye don't even have to leave the house to get drugs, much less go to a bad neighborhood, eye don't steal from dealers, eye don't share equipment, there's not really a way to put Fentanyl in black tar, eye've been strung out long enough that eye'm no longer even near prone to OD, eye cannot afford massive doses, eye don't really quit and start up again at the last-used dose, and eye'm not suicidal, eye do not get it.  If an average addict "uses 14 years before successfully getting help," this doesn't really say to me that they're fizzling out after three years.  Now - being kicked out of the house?  THAT might have given me inspiration to die, on purpose.  Before that, was perfectly content in m'eye "stupid little life." 

He will probably never see this, but who cares.  Eye feel obligated to say it, anyway.  Yes, eye have "heard of an intervention."  However, ever heard of people not stopping permanently unless they want to?  He said that he didn't understand what eye was doing.  He did not understand what eye was afraid of.

Words pale in comparison to experience.  And that is a big understatement.  How words can express this eye do not know.  But eye will make an attempt.  Without "having been there," you cannot understand motivation.  Without being in the midst of things, you cannot begin to comprehend fear.  FUCK  your "flu-like symptoms." An overview:  Senses become "off."  Anxiety, panic, not thinking straight.  Sense systems, brain function, emotion, digestive system, and more deteriorate.  Eye'll attempt to explain each one's descent separately, so it's not a succession of the entire process at once.   Runny nose, watery eyes.   Next, eyes water uncontrollably, snot leaks out of your nose.  You may even drool, how fucking gross.  (But, you don't know gross, yet!)  Your stomach cramps, time for "#2'.)  Frequent bowel movements make way to diarrhea which becomes unbelievably frequent "Hot brown rice water."  You pee so often, you stop even having anything to drink.  It doesn't really help.  Stomach sourness becomes stomach acid which turns into constant nausea.  Tickles in the back of your throat turn to gagging.  Maybe you won't constantly throw up, perhaps you'll even projectile vomit all over yourself, even at the same time that you're on the toilet.  It all depends on the person.  Senses are uncomfortable and overwhelming.  Colors don't look correct, the sun just coming in through the blinds may make you need to put on sunglasses inside.  Sounds can be startling.  You probably have a better sense of smell than a dog, and many of the scents are vomit-inducing.  Touch is intensified, and some people even get turned on really easily because of it.  You're hot, you're cold, you're hot and cold.  You get "chicken skin," then maybe your skin begins to crawl.  Your muscles twitch, which may eventually become full spasms.  Headache and little pains eventually become "muscle and bone pain."  And let's not forget all your "poke holes" hurting, reminding you of that which you cannot have, that which you cannot do.  Anxiety goes to panic, goes to desperation, goes to maybe a semi-manic state, maybe horribly depressed, or some twisted mixture of a tornado of thoughts as you want to die.  You cannot comprehend simple things, eventually maybe can barely think (except for of your misery.)  The thoughts that spin around may be a little different for everyone, and there's too many of them to even list.  You may hallucinate.  You cannot sleep.  Any tiny bits of sleep you may be blessed enough to receive are short-lived and filled with nightmares.  Have you ever had a FLU from which you cannot escape through sleep?  A flu where your senses go into overdrive?  A fucking flu that makes you seriously contemplate ending your life, or thinking, "What can eye do to get myself killed before this gets worse?"  And have you heard very frequently about a flu possibly shutting down (or indeed shutting down) someone's kidneys because of all their fluid lost from urine, sweat, mucus, tears, spit, vomit, and dysentery-style diarrhea after a couple of days?  Eye didn't think so.

Eye think it's better to walk away than to attempt to force someone to quit.

And with all this, eye am not anti-heroin, but not really pro-addiction, either.  it is what it is, and as Melody and eye were saying, the only drug problem you have is running out of drugs :)  Yes, eye WAS warned by a couple of addicts/ex-addicts at the beginning of m'eye use and binge periods.  However, the commonly-touted "flu-like symptom" shit, plus the mild withdrawal eye felt after long-binges, made me think that withdrawal isn't a big deal, people were just weak and whiny.  Eye too had that stupid "it's all self-control"  belief.  It's so much more.  But, as words are too flimsy to convey something to someone who's never lived it, so the misconceptions will remain.  And into eternity, the non-user tells the addict they don't understand the reason they use, and what the fuck are they so scared of?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

J - Walking

One day last week as eye was crossing the street to the coffee shop, eye carefully looked both ways.  Eye was looking for the best time to cross in order to avoid cars on the way to the median, and then to the other side of the street.  However, eye was definitely more concerned with police.  Eye MIGHT have a warrant out for a ticket, unpaid as of yet.  If eye was on the median and saw a police car, eye would definitely cross quickly, or if they were close, maybe even go the other direction, even if it were out into traffic!  Eye would MUCH rather be hit by a car than arrested.  After all, hospital would lead to pain medication, jail would lead to withdrawal. Goodness, where our priorities lie!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

You Said It!

Perhaps out of laziness, this post isn't of m'eye own creation.  Instead, eye will mooch off things other people have said.  Here are some of m'eye favorite things that other people have blogged about heroin (Gledwood's isn't an exact quote):

Heroin addiction is like living with an extra bodily function.  Imagine waking up, your bladder bursting with urine, but you have to pay at least 10 and wait an hour for the privilege. - Gledwood

"Heroin addiction is not about lack of willpower or strength – it is a matter of science. If you put this drug in your system frequently enough your body needs it. The strongest willed person in the world will be an addict if he/she uses for a month without stopping." - Shane

"You won't be getting any of that 'I've been through hell and come out the other side a better person' garbage from this bitch.  I'm not a better person.  You wanna know what makes me a better person?  Being higher than shit.  When I'm loaded I'm the second fucking coming.  I'll feed the hungry and heal the sick with one flick of my track-marked hand and though I may be nodded out by the time they turn to praise me, praise me they will."  - Melody

...And lastly, here is an article about five phrases that Americans find normal that the British consider rude:

Bugs & Drugs

Today, wasn't even craving a coffee, but bought one anyway.  Eye have $12 for "spending money" that really should be saved for tobacco.

A few days ago, there was a moth in our kitchen by the ceiling.  Last week, eye found two adult roaches and two baby ones in the same night.  A couple of days before that, two roaches greeted me upon opening the medicine cabinet.  Other than that, we've been blessedly free of roaches, for the most part, lately.  Back in Jul'eye, we were having a week of frequent rain.  Heat, humidity - these attract roaches.  We live in a "raised" house - meaning instead of a house that's built on a concrete foundation, we have floorboards and about four feet of nothingness (a "crawl space" above just dirt.  There used to be an opening on the side of the house, by the bathroom, that led to this.  Small animals would crawl under there, get bitten by a brown recluse or black widow (Eye have found one of each in the house before) and die.  And so, the roaches come to feed on the rotting bodies, breed, and there you go! - roach colony is created.  When it's humid, the little pests decide to pop in for a visit.  We used to have boxes of dishes in the corner, excess dishes from a previous roommate who never took them from me, that were never unpacked, sold, or claimed.  Well, in this corner, roaches decided to come up and make a little home in the boxes, apparently.  One night, upon opening the refrigerator in the dark, the fridge light illuminated the floor, and on the floor eye saw tons of baby roaches crawling around, looking for crumbs.  It was like a small anthill had exploded, except they were baby roaches.  Eye was horrified and disgusted.  We spent the next few days sanitizing the house, spraying, and stomping.  Mind you, our house was not absolutely FILTHY, but a little unclean at the time (like crumbs on the floor, sometimes dishes would stack up for about a week.) Some of the roaches had a tolerance for spray, and instead of dying, would start acting oddly, like walking around in circles for hours, or coming out during the day.  It took a couple of weeks before we mostly got rid of the problem.  Some still appear, every so often.  About a month ago, for about a week, Angel found one or two roaches daily, right as they were about to lay eggs!  He squished them.  The kitchen is now kept absolutely wiped down, and dishes are washed within an hour, put away the following day.  However, eye am still absolutely cluttered in the bedroom - boxes of papers in the corners, piles of paper on the dresser, and a hamper FULL of clean clothes (there is not enough room for all of m'eye clothes, as eye don't get rid of them once they don't fit anymore.  This would be a mistake that eye refuse to make again, as every few years, eye tend to have dramatic weight changes.)  Eye'm terrified at what eye may discover if eye decide to clear the desk or boxes.  Roaches also like to come inside when it's cold.  Also, as our yard is full of grass and trees, that the landlord waters once to twice daily (though the law here is twice weekly, and Aunt Patty keeps her yard JUST fine that way), bugs live in the yard and like to say hello every once in a while.  Occasionally there will be a rolly-polly in the entrance way, flies like to come inside during the summer, eye refuse to go in the yard if eye see a bee.  Eye DO like the occasional salamander that comes into the house, however.

Eye went through a 2 month's supply in one month.  This is half m'eye fault, for having an extra shot on more days than eye was supposed to.  The other half is Angel's.  He cannot pay me back except once per month, when his disability check comes in.    Even then, he will only be able to pay back about half.  Eye'm hoping he gets his pain management issues taken care of within a couple of weeks, so that he won't start racking it up, again.  That simply is not affordable for me.  As yesterday eye was undecided upon how much money eye was going to spend for the next chunk, eye got $100 worth.  Eye have now decided the next chunk will be $900, instead of $1200.  Since $1500 remains, that's what's affordable. He'd BETTER get his own situation taken care of, this time.

The stuff we got yesterday did NOT want to melt when it was cooked.  It was really annoying watching 90 units of water turn into 20 units of black liquid that looked like goop instead of brown liquid, with a big ball still sitting in the cooker.  So, this stuff takes extra time and water to prepare.

Veins last night were being a nightmare.  Angel attempted to poke me about eight times before he gave up.  He was just going to stick it in m'eye butt (intramuscular, or for me, intra-fat!)  Eye STILL refuse to do it this way, especially if there is blood in the syringe.  Eye went to the bathroom.  Got a small register, and proceeded, even though it looked like the "register" may have stopped.  It didn't hurt, so eye figured it was safe.  WRONG.  The spot began to swell.  Eye moved up, tried again.  This time, the register was a bit stronger, but a brighter red blood instead of dark.  On me, this usually means something isn't quite right.  (Also more oxygenated blood tends to clog the needle more quickly.)  Eye stupidly decided to go ahead with it.  Once again, it didn't hurt.  Eye started to feel something.  Once again, eye started to swell.  Tried lower.  Trickle of bright red blood.  I then moved to m'eye left arm.  Amazingly, on the first attempt, eye got a great register.  Eye went to push it in, and the needle was clogged!  To be further insulting, as all this "nonsense" was occurring, the cigarette eye'd made rolled into the sink and got wet.  Since eye do not have a cigarette machine, eye make cigarettes with a straw, pen innards, and an antennae.  It takes at least a minute to stuff each tube.  Oh well, at least by the end, there was only 20 units of the seventy eye'd started with, and much of it was blood.  Eye went to clean the needle out in the sink, and, of course, eye was able to squirt it out.  Wh'eye wasn't eye able to squirt it into m'eye arm?  This morning, the swelling had luckily enough gone down, but eye was unable to get a vein in m'eye right arm.  In the left, since the spot only likes to work about twice weekly, and eye had poked it yesterday (even though nothing was put in), the little traitor did not work.  Eye went higher again on m'eye right arm.  It registered, but it was too hard to push in, as in about to clog.  Eye walked out to Angel to have him plunge the mixture inside.  Unfortunately, the needle had moved during the trip.  He re-registered.  It started to hurt.  He went to register again.  The needle clogged.  We poured it out into a cooker, and drew it up into a second needle.  Luckily enough, he was able to get his usual spot on his second poke.  last night, we assumed that vein was dead.  Hoping for better times ahead.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Fake Life"

Marty & eye used to tell each other what went on during our day in "fake life."  This is basically one's imagination, and sometimes it's made of the ideals of what a person WANTS to happen, it could be the imagined "worse case scenerio," or it could just be letting one's mind run away with itself, and the result of that.

Being in m'eye late 20s & looking back, ugh!  At 18, eye imagined that by now, eye'd be famous & touring with albums and what not.  Eye seriously imagined that eye'd start off by singing in coffee shops within a year of that with a guitar (which ended up having to be sold to make rent that year when a telemarketing job screwed me out of a paycheck.)  Eye'd been writing songs since eye was a little kid.  However, it's very easy to start songs, harder to complete them.  Eye have a notebook of partial lyrics.  Eye know how the instrumental parts sound, inside, but have actually written out very little of the sheet music.

A few years later, eye got ahold of a keyboard and started practicing piano again.  When eye moved in with Marty, we were going to make music together!  Well, he ended up making a lot.  But eye became much more focused on weight than anything else, anorexia/bulemia (probably at that point would have been considered "purging type anorexia") totally encompassed me.  There was room for little else.  Eye still imagined that "soon," eye would be making progress toward the dream.  Lost a job, went to smuggle illegal immigrants, went to prison, everything in the house disappeared or was thrown out during m'eye abscense (either from being stolen by squatters, or thrown out by maintenance later on.  Marty also lost his job and left the house about a week after the power was shut off.)  We only ever had made ONE song together, toward the beginning of us living together.

After prison, eye had to "keep the house together," mostly paying for it alone, due to a cast of unreliable rotating roommates.  Naturally, there wasn't extra money to go toward an instrument, or lessons.

Then, moved here.  Short term jobs, on and off.  Drug addiction.  But, when eye finally take this job that Melody suggested, after the computer gets fixed, eye will have money.  Eye'm getting much too old, don't people start getting noticed in their early twenties, and they have been "out there" exposing themselves since high school for it to happen in the first place.  Time is running out.  But "soon" it's all going to change.  The road has ALWAYS been "about to begin" in the near future.

In fake life, eye am thin again.  In fake life, those songs are complete.  In fake life, eye have a few albums out and am on tour right now.  Eye have seen the world and there is so much more to write about.  In fake life, eye have been able to fix a couple of cosmetic issues that make me uncomfortable.  In fake life, eye own cars and beautiful houses.  In fake life, when the tour's over, eye am going to go to see Marty and bring him some new obscure psychedelic eye have obtained, just like we always imagined it would be.  In fake life, this song's for you...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Over the weekend, discovered through the internet that eye'm not the only person who talks in EYES.  These are people eye've never met, so it made me pretty excited.

The test was easy, which is either a good or bad sign.  Next will be time to look up articles for classes.

Yesterday, a man on the bus decided to tell me all about the way he looks down upon the "Occupy (City)" movement.  The reason strangers love to pick ME to talk to about their views & problems is beyond me.  Maybe eye look like eye "care."

Last night, due to leaving the library at a late hour, and a bus just passing right by, not even SEEING me, EYE (emphasized just to be irritating to anyone who thinks such) paid a man $20 to drive me home.  Before the bus passed me, an ambulance, blaring its siren, passed by.  The sound was offensive at such a disgusting "hour of the day," when stomachs begin to sour, brains start to fizzle, and senses (slightly) begin to assault.  (Colors off/more intense in an unpleasant way, loud sounds are startling, and temperature sensitivity.)

Angel... (*rolls Eyes*) decided to be irritating and irritable last night, which was not at all helpful for studying purposes.  Attempted sleep about 5 1/2 hours before it was time to get up.  He then decided to pull me out of bed to help him fix (apparently for the 5th or so time yesterday) the swamp cooler, about an hour later. This morning, when eye woke him up, he said he wanted to start charging me a bag for every four injections he does for me.  This would result in me not having the ability to do extra, at all. Yes, it is annoying to be woken up.  However, he is on three opiates, two benzodiazipines, and a muscle relaxer.  Eye am on one opiate, pretty much used as "maintenance."  Naturally, he rarely has a hard time getting back to sleep.  Me?  hard to get to sleep, hard to stay asleep, hard to get back to sleep.  And it's not like he "does" much of anything.  If somehow it was legal for me to go to his doctor appointments for him, he'd probably want me to do that, too.  Perhaps eye should come up with a certain amount to charge him for every little task he has me perform.

This weekend was sort of entertaining.  To make a long story of thoughts about each little thing condensed a bit...
1.  Go to bar, drink.
2.  Bartender gives me a free drink at the end of her shift.
3.  Angel attempts to pick her up, coaxes me to consider going home with a girl.  (eye've only kissed girls before.)
4.  She says she's interested but is with friends, would want to mostly be involved with me.
5.  He tells me what she said, eye think it's a "nice" way to blow someone off, he said he "picked up on" that she was into it, but scared.  (Who's right?  Who knows?  He's had lots of sexual experience, but isn't a girl who's had to reject men.)
6.  He gives up, wants to go to other bar.  Funny the way that the one time eye would have actually DONE this, that the situation happened the way that it did.  He wants to stop at home to get money.  Now, this wouldn't be HIS money since he'd spent it all, & previously had told him that eye don't want to go out because eye can't afford to.  To which said he'd pay.
7.  He waits for me on corner.  Eye pretend to pass out in bathroom when his drunken impatience drove him home.  Tell him eye'm "too wobbly" to go back out.  (lie)
8.  He asks for the phone book to call "adult entertainment services."  Insists on getting me laid by a girl.  Eye say eye won't pay.  He says he'll pay me back.  It soon just becomes a series of him prank-calling - talking explicitly about sex, when prostitution isn't legal in this county.  He discovers that most of the phone numbers go to just one place (which eye was going to work for at one time - answering the phone), he's told the girls are only allowed to dance, he's told they don't do couples, he's told our neighborhood is "too bad" to come to, he's told to stop calling or they'd call the cops on him.  (By the way, the range for a "stripper" to come over is $300-500.)
9.  The next day - a girl from one of those places calls him back.  He says he isn't interested anymore.

Monday, October 17, 2011


It just took FIVE hours to do m'eye Spanish homework.  F.I.V.E. hours.  Haven't even gotten to the plain studying part, yet.  Feel like crap, hour 13.  Not since being awake, decided to go BACK to bed, which was stupid and took a long time to sleep, anyway.  Wouldn't have had to miss class to study if eye'd done this right.  It will take at least an hour to get home, and who knows when eye'll get to sleep.  Oh well, lovely punishment for being lazy over the weekend.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

What's The Difference Between A Tweeker's House & A Heroin Addict's House?

In a heroin addict's house, the bugs are real.


Coffee... so.... tempting.  Line - SO LONG.  Eye keep looking through the window of the library over to the attached Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.  Eye so badly want to go in there.  Eye shouldn't. 

Eye SHOULD be diligently searching for the required articles for two classes - one on PTSD & the military for a group project, one for an article review in another class.  The group for the group project is meeting Saturday.  They'll expect me to have found information by then.  We have to show the professor which article we're doing on Wednesday.  Spanish class has a test Tuesday. So, it would be good to start now, instead of putting it off...

Eye told Aunt Patty that eye am doing an appeal for state-assistance for rent.  Eye told her that eye was participating in a research project for money to keep the phone on.  And she bought me a phone card!  Ugh - that's just MORE money eye'm going to owe her.  And eye wonder how long eye can hold her off on the whole "not having student loans yet" lie.  She expects it to be deposited in her account.  Eye took her off direct deposit and had it sent to me as a check a month ago, because she wanted to control it all.  And it's not like eye have time to be a full-time student and what was turning into 4-6 hour sessions of begging, just to end up with $10-20!  And it's not like eye can say, "By the way, eye need $600 per month," nor do eye have enough creative excuses in me to end up getting that much every month, little bits at a time, quite frequently.

M'eye eye itches.  Indulgence, impatience.  Part of me just wants to go home.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Love & Addiction, Paired

People say that love is like an addiction.  Eye suppose so!

Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction.  This isn't necessarily true.   What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together.  M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia.  Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually.  Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense.  You see the worst sides of each other.  You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life."  It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.

It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners.  However, this time eye've come the closest.  Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it."  Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love."  It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions"  To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less.  Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.)  Nothing in the middle.  A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on. 

Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch.  (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.)  However, we started seeing each other.  Eye invited him to live in m'eye room.  Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.)  It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off.  Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved.  He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.)  Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.

When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not.  After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever.  (It lasted 3 months.)  At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger.  Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together...  Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship."  The excitement of finding a new obsession.  It seemed like we had so much in common.  Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend.  This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him.  However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away.  But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior.  Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me.  But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.)  Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some.  (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.)  Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move.  He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him.  (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")

We moved to Las Vegas.  Eye became pretty lonely.  And far as being similar?  Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface."  Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty.  Eye felt that would have been better.  Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to. 

Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money.  At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone.  But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter.  But who cared?  It gave me something to latch on to.  It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job.  It was a new identity.

If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me.  At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day.  Oh!  the manipulation eye had to go through to get that.  With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that.  Eye couldn't just ask  or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call...  So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.

Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money.  But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me.  When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it.  But, eye played both sides, too.  And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun.  Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.)  Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months.  A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances.  So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.

Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with.  He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.)  He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled.  He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs.   He's locked me out of the bedroom.  He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.)  He's left state to leave me to detox.  He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.

However, eye'm not so fun, either.  Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things.  He has to remember the lies eye've told the family.  When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone.  Eye manipulate.  Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own.  Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month.  If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.

During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often.  Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming.  Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel.  We still have so much fun laughing together.  He's told me so much that he can't tell other people.  We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding.  We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.)  We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation.  He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.   

And now, he's "running up a tab" with me.  But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.

And, does any of this demonstrate love?  Maybe so, maybe not.  Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have.  But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy.  All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between.  Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.

Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other.  This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.)  But, our relationship didn't begin this way.  He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills.  And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.


Last night, eye woke up to use the restroom.  When eye came out, eye saw Luabelle following me.  Eye went into the kitchen for ice cream.  She stood in the doorway.  After a few spoonfuls, eye put it back in the freezer.  Then, eye couldn't find her!  Eye went back to the bedroom, the door was only open about an inch, just like eye'd left it.  And the cat was on the bed.  She'd never left.  Eye haven't had a random hallucination in a long time.  The last one was in the spring - after eye woke up, a glittery raver girl came into the bedroom & asked if eye wanted to go out, told me to get ready, then she exited for the living room.  Eye got dressed and went out there, only to find a dark room with no one in it.  Funny that eye believed it was real and didn't question the whole situation, considering it was a stranger and everything...

SO not doing well on that "not spending money" thing today.  Angel packed me an orange.  But eye decided to go get a bagel with the "$1 Tuesdays" coupon.  After that, decided to get coffee, if the line wasn't long (it usually is.)  It wasn't.  Then eye decided that they had to take m'eye order within 2 minutes or eye'd leave, and took out the phone stopwatch.  No, now they had one minute.  The cashier called me at 58 and a half seconds.  This needs to stop, considering, though eye have rent, cell phone, and bus passes taken care of through January, and if Angel pays me back - something else through mid-November... eye have $1518.67 to pay for our "Cox Bundle" (home phone, cable, and internet), electricity, and the other issue, until next semester starts.

Whenever Spanish class starts, eye usually feel lost until eye re-review the previous lesson.  It's really annoying, in the way that eye feel stupid.  We have a test and homework due on Monday.  Eye also have to meet with a group from another class on Saturday, for our group project.  They want to "go over what articles we've found."  And, eye've found nothing so far, considering eye haven't even looked!

Steve has STILL not brought back Baby's body.  Eye really hope that he actually did what he said he was going to do - can't bear the thought of her in a landfill.  Last night, eye had a dream that she came to visit me as a ghost.  Eye got to carry her around & hang out.  It was very disappointing to wake up.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Eye stupidly decided to "play lazy" and watch stupid television shows all weekend, putting off studying to the last minute.  Procrastination is a common theme throughout m'eye life.

Eye am currently working on extinguishing "triggers" - feeling the need to go shoot up when certain circumstances occur.  These include - boredom, seeing someone else shoot up in person or in a movie, seeing needles on TV or in movies, something upsetting me, having certain people come over to the house, right after coming home from shopping or school or whatever, right after buying drugs, and "too much talking" about heroin.  Eye have been pretty sucessful at this so far, as eye work toward the goal of only doing "extra" every three days.  Originally, it was going to be every other day, as that's what was affordable from what eye bought.  However, Angel suggested that eye change it to every three, just to make sure the stuff lasts as long as possible.  Eye have come up with another reason - if eye continually do extra every other day, eye will eventually build up a tolerance, which will increase the daily need.  Eye suppose that getting over the circumstantial compulsive use would be important if eye ever decided to quit.  However, right now, it's just to ensure that supply lasts as long as it needs to.  (Now, if only eye could make sure Angel bought his own, instead of "running up a tab" with me, this could definitely happen.  Eye'm going to have to break into "month 2" over a week early, a little bit because eye did extra on a daily basis for more than the first week, but mostly, because he's also doing at least the same amount that eye am, every day.  Thing is - he has money, he's just too lazy to go to the ATM and is being such a weenie about "Why wait for 30 minutes when it's right here?"  Maybe to ensure you keep the connect, considering the periodic phone number changes.)

Eye am also working on stopping spending money as if eye have an endless supply of it.  Eye'll need to actually start working, first, which may be impossible until the semester is over.  Eye'm improving, for sure, but really need to get the spending down to zero, excluding essential items.

What eye have improved upon, ever since eye was able to purchase m'eye own cigarettes, is how much eye smoke, when the amount is completely up to me.  Eye used to fill m'eye container with 21 cigarettes, whenever eye left the house.  Now, eye take only four.  Eye could still improve how much eye smoke at home, but am no longer a smokestack. 

Yesterday, our friend Steve came by.  Previously, we discussed Baby and cremation.  He said that he had a friend who works at the pound, and he could get it done for me for free, and still keep her ashes.  He took her and dropped her off last night.  Eye truly hope that he really did it, and she's not just in a dumpster somewhere.  (Eye checked trash cans and dumpsters in the area last night due to this paranoia, about 20 minutes after he left.)  Eye was actually initially more concerned about him "getting distracted" on the way - he is a tweeker with many social ties, after all.  But, last night, eye saw him headed in the direction of the pound, which is not in the direction of his house, and is a mile away, then eye saw him about an hour later, and he said that he had dropped her off, and would get the ashes to me tomorrow.  Eye'm hoping for the best, the paranoid thought of her body left somewhere is so disrespectful and horrifying, although he doesn't really have a reason to do that to her.  But, all Luabelle's meowing yesterday, especially since it occurred with greater frequency after Baby's remains were taken away out of the freezer, and stuff Angel has said, it just has m'eye head spinning.

Eye kept clippings from Baby's tail.  Last night, eye took the plastic bag of clippings into the living room.  Eye petted the fur.  Eye let Luabelle smell them, and then she licked them, then rubbed her face on the bag.  Next, she took the bag in her teeth and tried to take it away from me!  She's so lonely.  She started sleeping next to Angel when eye leave the house, she hasn't slept by him in quite a long time.  She also curled under the covers with me a couple of nights ago, like Baby used to when it was cold, and Luabelle rarely does.  She's also letting me hold her paw, like Baby did, and Luabelle never has before.  Every night, she stands next to m'eye head and makes me pet her.  She follows me, hangs out, and lays on me, pretty much constantly, instead of frequently.  Eye miss Baby so much, but can't afford to fall apart until the semester ends.

Well, it's time to end the procrastination and get on to getting m'eye notes and studying.  Tomorrow's test is worth a third of m'eye grade.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


  It's said that "bad things happen in threes."  A couple of months ago, eye found out that m'eye boy kitty who lived at m'eye mom's had to be put down.  Then Angel found out his good friend died previously this year.  Eye got a fish on m'eye birthday, and it died.  So... that's three, right?  No more deaths, no more deaths, please.  The love of m'eye life with her diminishing & returning health... slowly downward, it seemed, perhaps - eye'd figured some things out, starting to treat her, get her back on a good track.  No fucking memorials to write at next year's Burning Man (eye have one EVERY year eye go.)  WRONG.

  On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor.  Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up.  Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway.  So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel.  Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done?  Baby was under the bed.  Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle.  She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything.  Saw blood on her leg.  "That's coming from her leg, right?  That's not coming from her ass, is it?"  Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.

  He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel.  "It's coming from her ass," he said.  FUCK.  Not more wrong with her.  She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks.  She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever.  She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior.  And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth.  And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection.  She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well.  She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.)  She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off.  This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior.  She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming.  But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me.  She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox.  She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in.  Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes.  Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her.  Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.

  Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl.  Luabelle was on the bed with her.  Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed.  Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry.  Eye petted her and held her paw.  She purred.  Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.

  Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.)  About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.

  When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner.  Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position?  Eye went to go move her legs again.

  She was hard!  Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset.  Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back?  Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"


  "She's dead!"  He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down.  He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it.  Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail.  He asked if eye wanted the whole tail.  No!  Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals.  Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out.  Eye did want to have her cloned.  But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US.  He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her.  Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night.  Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying.  Certainly not studying.  (The next day, the test made NO sense to me.  Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her.  Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her.  But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)

  When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating.  Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days.  Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home.  He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out.  When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful.  Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound.  When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on.  So, eye want to have her cremated.  But eye want the ashes, this time.  Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.

   Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000.  Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him.  She was the best present ever!  She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes.  She was 3-4 months old.  Eye like to think that we had the same birthday.  When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty.  So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much.  So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl.  When he saw her, he said that it was me.

  M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere!  When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike.  Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her.  She purred so much, and licked.  She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers.  But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play!  So kind & gentle.  She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold.  We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.)   She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too.  They had a lot of fun chasing each other around.  One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating.  Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did.  She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too.  She also tried to eat mushroom dust.  She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all.  Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her.  She greeted me when eye came home.  She spent lots of time on m'eye lap.  She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person.  She slept with me every night.

  At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine.  JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him.  But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility.  JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly.  Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations.  Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.)  Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.)  But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there!  The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me!  In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed.  One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night.  When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop.  She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions. 

  After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month.  Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half.  Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle.  M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left!  In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room.  Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.

  Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too.  (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!)  Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens.  Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time.  Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty.  We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine.  We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe.  They all loved each other.  Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her.  They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was.  She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick.  Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.)  A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens!  Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent.  Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught.  Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's.  Marty lost his job while eye was in.  Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.

  After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates.  In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates.  As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time.  Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time.  But eye had been ready to go for so long!  Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out.  Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her.  Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat.  Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant.  The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.)  Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)

  So then it was back to just the two babies.  In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them.  For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her.  But then she accepted them pretty quickly.  Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.)  She was so adaptable.  She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me.  She was all grace, and elegance, and love.

So many regrets.  What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans?  (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that?  And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.)  What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of?  (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.)  Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin.  Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on.  Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state.  Should have taken her to a vet every year.  Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.)  Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades.  Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her.  Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom.  If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?

 She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything.  Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy.  But that's not what happened.  Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early.  School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt.  So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on."  The semester isn't over until mid-December.  So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc.  But eye don't want to "function."  Eye want to break down.  Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.