Sunday, October 9, 2011


Eye stupidly decided to "play lazy" and watch stupid television shows all weekend, putting off studying to the last minute.  Procrastination is a common theme throughout m'eye life.

Eye am currently working on extinguishing "triggers" - feeling the need to go shoot up when certain circumstances occur.  These include - boredom, seeing someone else shoot up in person or in a movie, seeing needles on TV or in movies, something upsetting me, having certain people come over to the house, right after coming home from shopping or school or whatever, right after buying drugs, and "too much talking" about heroin.  Eye have been pretty sucessful at this so far, as eye work toward the goal of only doing "extra" every three days.  Originally, it was going to be every other day, as that's what was affordable from what eye bought.  However, Angel suggested that eye change it to every three, just to make sure the stuff lasts as long as possible.  Eye have come up with another reason - if eye continually do extra every other day, eye will eventually build up a tolerance, which will increase the daily need.  Eye suppose that getting over the circumstantial compulsive use would be important if eye ever decided to quit.  However, right now, it's just to ensure that supply lasts as long as it needs to.  (Now, if only eye could make sure Angel bought his own, instead of "running up a tab" with me, this could definitely happen.  Eye'm going to have to break into "month 2" over a week early, a little bit because eye did extra on a daily basis for more than the first week, but mostly, because he's also doing at least the same amount that eye am, every day.  Thing is - he has money, he's just too lazy to go to the ATM and is being such a weenie about "Why wait for 30 minutes when it's right here?"  Maybe to ensure you keep the connect, considering the periodic phone number changes.)

Eye am also working on stopping spending money as if eye have an endless supply of it.  Eye'll need to actually start working, first, which may be impossible until the semester is over.  Eye'm improving, for sure, but really need to get the spending down to zero, excluding essential items.

What eye have improved upon, ever since eye was able to purchase m'eye own cigarettes, is how much eye smoke, when the amount is completely up to me.  Eye used to fill m'eye container with 21 cigarettes, whenever eye left the house.  Now, eye take only four.  Eye could still improve how much eye smoke at home, but am no longer a smokestack. 

Yesterday, our friend Steve came by.  Previously, we discussed Baby and cremation.  He said that he had a friend who works at the pound, and he could get it done for me for free, and still keep her ashes.  He took her and dropped her off last night.  Eye truly hope that he really did it, and she's not just in a dumpster somewhere.  (Eye checked trash cans and dumpsters in the area last night due to this paranoia, about 20 minutes after he left.)  Eye was actually initially more concerned about him "getting distracted" on the way - he is a tweeker with many social ties, after all.  But, last night, eye saw him headed in the direction of the pound, which is not in the direction of his house, and is a mile away, then eye saw him about an hour later, and he said that he had dropped her off, and would get the ashes to me tomorrow.  Eye'm hoping for the best, the paranoid thought of her body left somewhere is so disrespectful and horrifying, although he doesn't really have a reason to do that to her.  But, all Luabelle's meowing yesterday, especially since it occurred with greater frequency after Baby's remains were taken away out of the freezer, and stuff Angel has said, it just has m'eye head spinning.

Eye kept clippings from Baby's tail.  Last night, eye took the plastic bag of clippings into the living room.  Eye petted the fur.  Eye let Luabelle smell them, and then she licked them, then rubbed her face on the bag.  Next, she took the bag in her teeth and tried to take it away from me!  She's so lonely.  She started sleeping next to Angel when eye leave the house, she hasn't slept by him in quite a long time.  She also curled under the covers with me a couple of nights ago, like Baby used to when it was cold, and Luabelle rarely does.  She's also letting me hold her paw, like Baby did, and Luabelle never has before.  Every night, she stands next to m'eye head and makes me pet her.  She follows me, hangs out, and lays on me, pretty much constantly, instead of frequently.  Eye miss Baby so much, but can't afford to fall apart until the semester ends.

Well, it's time to end the procrastination and get on to getting m'eye notes and studying.  Tomorrow's test is worth a third of m'eye grade.

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