October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine. Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.) He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule. Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him. As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar. As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend. We planned to call each other that weekend.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.