Monday, October 31, 2011

October is for Death

October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine.  Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.)  He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule.  Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him.  As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar.  As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend.  We planned to call each other that weekend.

Eye did not hear from him that weekend.  Calls went unanswered.  Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend.  He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment.  JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened.  Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true.  Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave.  We got lost, instead. 

November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend.  He had confirmed the cause of death,  "Meth and lots of E."  M'eye heart dropped.  It was m'eye fault.  In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work.  Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on."  Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight.  Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.

Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB.  In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him.  He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died."  M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose.  This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.

It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains.  Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him. 

October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection.  It was devastating.  Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss.  But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.

October 2, this year, Baby died.  She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard.  She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else.  Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath.  Eye will always regret not having done this.  Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail.  When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away.  She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes.  Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone.  Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me.  Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things.  Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed.  Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.


  1. Heye, Im sure your friends will have told you that you can't possibly take the blame for JB's death. I think its so wrong when the police hunt down the seller of any drug that killed anyone. And I dont just say that . . I have imagined "how I would feel if it was one of my kids" of course I would be devastated for the rest of my life . . but I would not blame the seller. If it wasn't that seller it would be the next man/girl. Way back when E's were strong I used to often take enough with alcohol etc to have caused death . . . I was lucky. But if I had of died it would've no way been the fault/responsibility of the person selling the E's. None of this will change how you feel. I'm just saying . . .
    You obviously love Baby so much. I don't think its cruel to mourn Baby or enjoy your memories of Baby with Luabelle. As you well know cats are clever enough to understand . . . probably more than most humans. Take care.

  2. Sorry for your loss..I have 3 cats,I only intended on having the one but due to a neighbours negligence i ended up with a pregnant puss and we kept her and one of her kitties.Your post made me cry but i 'm feeling sad anyway...And on the nose\penis thing..i swear its true..!Straight long nose,straight long willy,crooked nose,crooked willy and so on.Check it out!(Willy=penis..english slang,this may or may not be obvious to an american..) ;)

  3. That's good to know from a parent perspective. Good friend of mine actually *tracked down* his mom for me in another state, we called her. We didn't tell her details obviously, but she was very happy to know he had friends, and that someone cared enough to reach out to her.

    Eye actually have 2 overdoses related to me, the other's for a different day and a little more "iffy," me being aware of its danger, 2 weeks prior landing in the hospital over the same batch. However, eye was very clear on the amount how much *not* to use. To me eye related one of the deaths to other people that of course they could say that when it's "not their gun" like what if someone used your gun and accidentally (or not) killed themselves? It's a very weird situation to be in. However, even therapist said eye need to forgive myself for the incidents. There has only been ONE girl who had moral outrage over incident #2, because it did not cause me to stop selling, saying eye needed manslaughter charges. She eventually got over it.

    Yes, eye do and they are! Sometimes eye'd much rather also be a house cat. Or jungle cat!

  4. Thank you.

    It gets WAY too easy to "collect" cats. At one point, had own 3, roommate's 1, and then took in a mom & her 6 month old kitten. She started gaining weight. Boy kitty died, then one month later, out popped a rainbow of 7 kittens! Saddest pregnant cat incident was when landlord said to get rid of some cats (we had 4) or he'd throw us out. Roommate's cat went back to him in a different state. Newest cat (from ex boss's kitten litter the previous year) went to a neighbor 2 doors down. Kitty was almost consistently in heat. We told the lady that we'd split getting kitty spayed 3 ways. She never took us up on it, and ended up getting mad at me over something little and didn't let me visit(she has MANY mental disorders) and a couple of months later, 4am she's screaming at the doorstep about giving her a pregnant cat! She dropped off a cage of the cat and her newborns. (We didn't know, but DID find her outside one day, she'd slipped by unnoticed.) If she'd had let me over to visit previously, eye would have noticed the weight gain, felt her and immediately known it was pregnancy, and had done something about it. Boyfriend did NOT let me keep them til they were weaned, then adopt them out, nor let me attempt to find the whole bunch a new home. At 8am, there was a call to Aunt Patty, and then off to the pound. So sad & awful. The next week, found out a different neighbor would have loved to have had them ALL! At least she was a VERY small cat, so still looked kittenish and was more likely to be adopted. She also could fetch! Oh, eye miss her too.

    Eye remember the most Random conversations sometimes! & over here some ppl call it Willy too, although maybe knowledge originally came from dad's half the family, they're British, and he & his siblings were raised in Africa. It's funny to me the way that each younger person, starting from grandma, had the most to the least accent. Dad's is barely noticeable, he just says some words differently. Uncle has a bit of an accent. (So does mom, she's southern! & had to "work hard" to get rid of the accent. Family reunions with Southern & British grandparents, it was VERY difficult for them to understand one another!) Guess aunt is in-between (eldest sibling), bc here in America, people love her "British" accent, and when she visits England, they love her "American" accent!