I Am Shiva, God of Death

 On Friday the 13th, after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially (highly likely) never-ending fiasco of shooting up, then attending to it, then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television, eye decided to check the phone.  It was blowing up with "Inbox Full, Delete Messages."  (Yes, quite old style of phone.  No hipster shit here, m'eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real.)  After sorting through them and returning phone calls, eye found out that m'eye ex best friend from back "home" (if it can be called such, eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that, and even m'eye connection to where eye spent m'eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving) Marty had died that day.

There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking.  But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday.  Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things.  But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother.  She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying.  He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more.  M'eye aunt does the same thing.  Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story.  But that was all eye expected.

So many conversations.  So many people crying.  No tears from me, asshole as eye may be.  Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.)  We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better.  She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died.  Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.)  It was a little over a month before he'd be 28.  But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously?  On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day.  He didn't.  Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing.  "That's dumb."  It is dumb.  He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple?  He was in his second year of college.  But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen.  The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly.  A bit empty.  A bit offended.  Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away.  Maybe some regret?  He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text.  Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.)  Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become.  The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him.  And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.

Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it.  Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight.  She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance."  Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time.  Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up.  Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing.  It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to?  Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they.  Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..."  Don't think so.  And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever.  If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.

It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon."   (Oh and eye was!  45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60.  Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!"  (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper?  Oh - dinglehopper!"  A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid.  He took a picture too.)

It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common.  But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened.  And hadn't happened in a long time.  But then again, maybe it isn't so weird.  After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence.  Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.

If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything.  If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.

It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot.  Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive.  Like eye'm supposed to die too.  Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence.  Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone.  And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart.  With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why.  There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small."  But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself.  But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.

It doesn't seem fair, but why would it?  With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate.  Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone.  No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible.  Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type.  He wasn't, he was just lucky.  The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.

No need to dwell, though.  People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything?  No.  Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone.  Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time.  So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares?  Create or destroy, do both, do neither.  Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive."  Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.

Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side.  JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways.  Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both.  Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know.  To everyone you know.  You either accept it and move on, or you don't.

Eyes Without A Face

Why no one ever told me about the song, eye do not know.

How can anyone mourn the loss of someone who was never there to begin with?  For all of m'eye changes- eye am always, always the same.  Giving, but very selfish, self-centered, self-oriented, oblivious, etc.

Am eye a bad friend for considering making another friend wait at the Greyhound station so that eye can make more money?  It's not greed when it's survival, and rent isn't even paid.  Eye didn't make her wait, eye came with a ride... But eye did not visit her in the hospital while she was here.  Most of her "vacation" was pure misery, eye had no bus pass, but wouldn't have been impossible to get a ride over there.  Eye did get her a ride back here and back to the bus depot.

This summer has been very hard, hard as hell, "hard as nails."  Eye am not keen on having another one, another anything like it.  Yes eye spent a lot of time online, but wouldn't come back here to say anything. Eye had other priorities and besides - hate to blog when things are going shitty.  There's enough whiners, why be a downer - if someone wanted a downer, well - there are drugs for that.  That isn't the only reason.  Bonus Points to someone who can correctly decipher why.

Eye've encountered the stupidest circle ever.  Eye expected problems with financial aid.  There are none.  It could be sent to me Monday or Tuesday.  But - eye owe the community college $468.50 in order to go to UNLV, or any other school.  This is for supposedly dropped (actually failed) classes from spring semester of 2011.  Eye can appeal, but it will take a month or two.  So, to get it, eye have to pay something eye can't afford.  Eye've been barely able to get by all summer.  At least the other obstacle circle is no longer in the way - needing to pay to get the internet back on, but needing the internet to make money.  Family - completely unsympathetic.  "We live with the results of our choices."  "Why did you wait til the last minute to enroll?"  "Why didn't you get a job?"  "Maybe you should take a semester or two off and get a job."  Ha - if eye was able to get a good enough job and hang onto it - well, with no car to go to work AND school - eye'd be unwilling to quit and go back to living off of jack shit again while working on a degree.  Oh - cell phone is due to be shut off in a couple of days.  Eye need that, too in order to get this all together.

Fucked for Life.  No matter what, your life will always, always be fucked in some way, and if not - it will be soon.  So may as well accept it, and learn to love it.  That's m'eye fake gang with friends from where eye previously lived.

Forever Reckless

Eye have a cold.  It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed.  It can, however, be dulled.  But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one.  It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early.  Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs.  A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs.  And now, eye can breathe.  For now.  Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore.  Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now.  It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then.  However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same.  While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in.  Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house.  Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.

On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building.  Eye talked him back into rational thinking.  Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him.  It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything.   So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky.  The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating.  He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him.  Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account.  Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back.  Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day.  Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer.  Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself."  This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him.  And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks.  Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row.  We fought horribly in those days, almost every day.  But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted.  Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned.  But, back then, eye only needed one every day.  Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two.  Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point.  The day before, eye got just over one, all day long.  Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that.  That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting.  Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.

It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors.  The eating disorder shit, gone.  Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now.  But nope.  Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore.  Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.

Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin.  Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message."  As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again.  It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others.  Nothing eye can do about it, really.

It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era.  Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat.  Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.

Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend.  It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father.  He is very nervous.  Eye kind of understand.  Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother.  So, that's one factor that makes it different.  However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid.  Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.

Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use.  Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history.  Same old story, people like to confide in me.  Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah."  But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested.  Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing.  Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope?  We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such.  Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score.  So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine.  Such a sucker.  Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out.  One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles.  Well, that wasn't his phone...  He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me.  Eye had no money nor dope to spare.  This time, he was on foot.  Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here.  He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment.  Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing.  If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all.  Too much drama.  Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.

Veins are being assholes.  But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly.  However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am.  Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that.  So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away?  And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over?  (Yep, he's said that more than once.)  So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.  He keeps suggesting to muscle it.  What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs?  No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes.  Get more lumps.  Hit more arteries.  You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.

Ugh, it's getting late.  Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early.  Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning.  Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway.  Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning?  He got over $100 today, but like that matters.  The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got.  Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things?  Eye certainly don't.  However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.

Oh!  He also got some shrooms today.  So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin.  So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon.  When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way.  Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking.  Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him.  Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean.  Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not.  Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.

3:11am - do you know where your junkie is?  Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.

Change Your Taste In. Men

So... eye stole 50.. sometime around the end of October?  He owed me 50, said he couldn't pay me anything, right before getting 400, which he knew about.  (Angel)  And so, he said he's throwing me out.  Leave by January, and he keeps m'eye January money order already made out to the landlord.  And wants to keep my washer and dryer.  Supposedly eye should owe him for messing up his computer, the free computer he got from his mom, which eye already put money toward fixing.  Which he prob recharged me for multiple times.  His mom bought him another.  And for the deposit on the house, which eye paid by the way.  And to clean up the house, which he admitted he's having one of his pill clients do for him (while intoxicated he admitted this.)  Some POS who always borrows from him, and now he'll rarely do shit for me, even if eye'm about to get cash.  A bottom of the barrel worst choice to move in, but better than eye am eye suppose.  (ha can't wait, within two months bet his pills will get stolen.)   Poor baby needs to make the house nice to attract a decent tenant, and he's getting thousands of dollars for Christmas?  Come on.  And he's gotten meaner and meaner.  And every deal we do make, he forgets, then accuses me of trying to fuck him over, while eye get screwed.  And sometimes he yells at me to leave within x amount of time, nice one, you already said that, how would it be a threat anymore?  He's "decided" this and gone back on it so many times during our time together, either eye need to go or he's about to.  Fuck eye wish people would say what they mean. 

And so, eye've been seeing people, guys.  Not a many as one may think, but seeing them nonetheless.  Why not?  First off, we never agreed to be monogamous.  Though HE has not acted on that, as of yet.  Secondly, he's trying to say we haven't "really" been together in years (odd bc of some possessive shit he said back in June, and other stuff he's said, ways he's been since.)  So funny, he says he wants to stay friends.  Eye say, you'll never hear from me again.  If he truly considers us just friends, and treats me like this, why on earth would eye want to be around, especially when truly getting nothing out of it, and still likely expected to run errands, etc.  Who needs enemies with friends like this, etc.

And these people, these situations, in which one would expect to feel used, objectified - eye feel more cared for, attended to, liked, appreciated, and treated SO much better than someone who's supposed to love me, who supposedly still cares so deeply and more than he should?  What the hell?

So much more beneficial.  In so many ways.

The other night, there was some BS about him wanting me to buy from him, something he got for free, rather than him calling for me.  Eye told him it was unfair, and then said fine, eye'll do it.  Then he was on the phone, eye asked who he was calling.  NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!  Told him, if he was calling, not to because eye'd already taken his offer, was making a shot.  He called anyway, then asked where the shit went, give it back, etc.  Told him eye'd told him twice, guess he tuned me out.  He said eye never said shit.  Raised his fist back and took a step toward me.  "Don't you dare, don't you FUCKING dare!"  He sat down and bitched.  Another time he was going to hit me, quite eye threatened calling the cops.  Every once in a while, he asks how can he trust ME after that shit?  Again, what the hell?

He can go ahead and try to convinve my dad to let him keep the washer and dryer, after that they'll hear about every threat and every little incident.  See whose side they are on then.  See how much they really think he's been "taking care of me" then.

There are various reasons eye'm upset about this, and a big one is it ruins plans, basically eye had a guaranteed existence with him, one that had to be waited for, but still something to fall back on.  And for all the years people told me to leave, all the shit he's pulled, why is HE the one to decide things?

Never trust a guy with two names.

He's about to leave to his mom's for the holidays, and for once is trying to do something nice for me, so of course that isn't working out.  Whatever.  Who knows what he'll return to?  Eye am feeling very rash and very, very done.  At the very least, eye want to move out without saying a word.  After all, after dealing with his mom and not having to deal with me for a while, and thinking about shit, he'll probably change his mind...

So say what the fuck you mean, for once.

To All Those Like JJ Who Have a Lack of Comprehension & Want An Explaination

Tattling to an adult's parents is VERY not cute.  Across the country, how do m'eye actions affect him?  How does telling on me help m'eye parents?  Eye wasn't blowing some trust fund on getting loaded.  Eye was employed as often as eye could be, and still looked for work regularly, parents helped when eye couldn't afford bills, which had happened before addiction happened.  Their money went to bills, never to drugs.  Dad already put me in counseling a year before the incident.  The chance to come clean about anything eye wanted help for was back then.  If dad would have done anything after finding out, it would have been throwing me into the street.  Homelessness, where people get stuck.  It is not where they improve their lives.  It is not where many get inspired to become sober (at least not ones eye've met.)  It is not where someone pays for them to go to rehab.  What the hell did he think he was "helping?"  Maybe he thought that eye was "about to die."  Seeing as eye don't even have to leave the house to get drugs, much less go to a bad neighborhood, eye don't steal from dealers, eye don't share equipment, there's not really a way to put Fentanyl in black tar, eye've been strung out long enough that eye'm no longer even near prone to OD, eye cannot afford massive doses, eye don't really quit and start up again at the last-used dose, and eye'm not suicidal, eye do not get it.  If an average addict "uses 14 years before successfully getting help," this doesn't really say to me that they're fizzling out after three years.  Now - being kicked out of the house?  THAT might have given me inspiration to die, on purpose.  Before that, was perfectly content in m'eye "stupid little life." 

He will probably never see this, but who cares.  Eye feel obligated to say it, anyway.  Yes, eye have "heard of an intervention."  However, ever heard of people not stopping permanently unless they want to?  He said that he didn't understand what eye was doing.  He did not understand what eye was afraid of.

Words pale in comparison to experience.  And that is a big understatement.  How words can express this eye do not know.  But eye will make an attempt.  Without "having been there," you cannot understand motivation.  Without being in the midst of things, you cannot begin to comprehend fear.  FUCK  your "flu-like symptoms." An overview:  Senses become "off."  Anxiety, panic, not thinking straight.  Sense systems, brain function, emotion, digestive system, and more deteriorate.  Eye'll attempt to explain each one's descent separately, so it's not a succession of the entire process at once.   Runny nose, watery eyes.   Next, eyes water uncontrollably, snot leaks out of your nose.  You may even drool, how fucking gross.  (But, you don't know gross, yet!)  Your stomach cramps, time for "#2'.)  Frequent bowel movements make way to diarrhea which becomes unbelievably frequent "Hot brown rice water."  You pee so often, you stop even having anything to drink.  It doesn't really help.  Stomach sourness becomes stomach acid which turns into constant nausea.  Tickles in the back of your throat turn to gagging.  Maybe you won't constantly throw up, perhaps you'll even projectile vomit all over yourself, even at the same time that you're on the toilet.  It all depends on the person.  Senses are uncomfortable and overwhelming.  Colors don't look correct, the sun just coming in through the blinds may make you need to put on sunglasses inside.  Sounds can be startling.  You probably have a better sense of smell than a dog, and many of the scents are vomit-inducing.  Touch is intensified, and some people even get turned on really easily because of it.  You're hot, you're cold, you're hot and cold.  You get "chicken skin," then maybe your skin begins to crawl.  Your muscles twitch, which may eventually become full spasms.  Headache and little pains eventually become "muscle and bone pain."  And let's not forget all your "poke holes" hurting, reminding you of that which you cannot have, that which you cannot do.  Anxiety goes to panic, goes to desperation, goes to maybe a semi-manic state, maybe horribly depressed, or some twisted mixture of a tornado of thoughts as you want to die.  You cannot comprehend simple things, eventually maybe can barely think (except for of your misery.)  The thoughts that spin around may be a little different for everyone, and there's too many of them to even list.  You may hallucinate.  You cannot sleep.  Any tiny bits of sleep you may be blessed enough to receive are short-lived and filled with nightmares.  Have you ever had a FLU from which you cannot escape through sleep?  A flu where your senses go into overdrive?  A fucking flu that makes you seriously contemplate ending your life, or thinking, "What can eye do to get myself killed before this gets worse?"  And have you heard very frequently about a flu possibly shutting down (or indeed shutting down) someone's kidneys because of all their fluid lost from urine, sweat, mucus, tears, spit, vomit, and dysentery-style diarrhea after a couple of days?  Eye didn't think so.

Eye think it's better to walk away than to attempt to force someone to quit.

And with all this, eye am not anti-heroin, but not really pro-addiction, either.  it is what it is, and as Melody and eye were saying, the only drug problem you have is running out of drugs :)  Yes, eye WAS warned by a couple of addicts/ex-addicts at the beginning of m'eye use and binge periods.  However, the commonly-touted "flu-like symptom" shit, plus the mild withdrawal eye felt after long-binges, made me think that withdrawal isn't a big deal, people were just weak and whiny.  Eye too had that stupid "it's all self-control"  belief.  It's so much more.  But, as words are too flimsy to convey something to someone who's never lived it, so the misconceptions will remain.  And into eternity, the non-user tells the addict they don't understand the reason they use, and what the fuck are they so scared of?

Blarg!

Coffee... so.... tempting.  Line - SO LONG.  Eye keep looking through the window of the library over to the attached Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.  Eye so badly want to go in there.  Eye shouldn't. 

Eye SHOULD be diligently searching for the required articles for two classes - one on PTSD & the military for a group project, one for an article review in another class.  The group for the group project is meeting Saturday.  They'll expect me to have found information by then.  We have to show the professor which article we're doing on Wednesday.  Spanish class has a test Tuesday. So, it would be good to start now, instead of putting it off...

Eye told Aunt Patty that eye am doing an appeal for state-assistance for rent.  Eye told her that eye was participating in a research project for money to keep the phone on.  And she bought me a phone card!  Ugh - that's just MORE money eye'm going to owe her.  And eye wonder how long eye can hold her off on the whole "not having student loans yet" lie.  She expects it to be deposited in her account.  Eye took her off direct deposit and had it sent to me as a check a month ago, because she wanted to control it all.  And it's not like eye have time to be a full-time student and what was turning into 4-6 hour sessions of begging, just to end up with $10-20!  And it's not like eye can say, "By the way, eye need $600 per month," nor do eye have enough creative excuses in me to end up getting that much every month, little bits at a time, quite frequently.

M'eye eye itches.  Indulgence, impatience.  Part of me just wants to go home.

The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way

This morning - ugh!  Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues.  With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!"  But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place."  Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins."  Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck.  So, yeah.

Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s.  Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words.  That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils,  fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high.  Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves.  Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.

Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants.  She looked... professional.  It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way.  And that's from an addict point-of-view.  So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder."  Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.

Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...

In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs."  (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.)  Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using.  Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me.  A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother...  Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.)  When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test.  Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did.  She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin.  Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.

Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me.  A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now.  Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was.  Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me.  He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom.  Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else.  Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true.  He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?"  Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me.  Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?"  "I don't know you anymore."  "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.)  M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about.  So eye asked when eye could prove myself.  She said she didn't know.  Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now."  At first, eye FREAKED.  But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night.  Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker.  This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up."  Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin.  Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.

The passing of the drug test was imperative.   After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.)  This year, he's done it more than ever.  Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away.  Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away.  (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.)  Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming.  Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there!  Angel said not to say anything.  Eye'm glad eye didn't.  The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister?  Eye said no.  After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him.  Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats.  She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful.  Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful.  Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans.  She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well. 

After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid.  NOT SO.  Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn."  M'eye turn to what?  Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life?  (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows.  Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.)  Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.)  The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are.  Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it.  She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all.  If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan.  (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons:  any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."

Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit.  Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up!  Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time.  During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed.  Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this.  And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway.  What life was left for me?  And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.)  The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting.  (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)

Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened.  It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about.  In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview.  Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with.  (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)

What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming.  In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.)  After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.)  Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it.  And eye lied.  She threatened to drug test me, but never did.  (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.)  And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing?  NO!  It just pissed people off.  Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it.  And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time?  NO!  It.Just.Pissed.People.Off.  And ruined friendships.  Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen.  Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything.  Not so.  And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.