Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way

This morning - ugh!  Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues.  With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!"  But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place."  Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins."  Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck.  So, yeah.

Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s.  Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words.  That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils,  fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high.  Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves.  Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.

Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants.  She looked... professional.  It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way.  And that's from an addict point-of-view.  So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder."  Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.

Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...

In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs."  (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.)  Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using.  Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me.  A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother...  Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.)  When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test.  Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did.  She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin.  Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.

Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me.  A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now.  Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was.  Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me.  He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom.  Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else.  Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true.  He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?"  Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me.  Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?"  "I don't know you anymore."  "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.)  M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about.  So eye asked when eye could prove myself.  She said she didn't know.  Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now."  At first, eye FREAKED.  But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night.  Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker.  This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up."  Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin.  Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.

The passing of the drug test was imperative.   After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.)  This year, he's done it more than ever.  Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away.  Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away.  (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.)  Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming.  Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there!  Angel said not to say anything.  Eye'm glad eye didn't.  The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister?  Eye said no.  After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him.  Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats.  She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful.  Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful.  Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans.  She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well. 

After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid.  NOT SO.  Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn."  M'eye turn to what?  Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life?  (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows.  Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.)  Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.)  The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are.  Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it.  She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all.  If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan.  (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons:  any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."

Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit.  Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up!  Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time.  During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed.  Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this.  And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway.  What life was left for me?  And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.)  The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting.  (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)

Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened.  It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about.  In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview.  Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with.  (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)

What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming.  In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.)  After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.)  Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it.  And eye lied.  She threatened to drug test me, but never did.  (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.)  And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing?  NO!  It just pissed people off.  Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it.  And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time?  NO!  It.Just.Pissed.People.Off.  And ruined friendships.  Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen.  Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything.  Not so.  And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.

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