Monday, September 23, 2013

I Am Shiva, God of Death

 On Friday the 13th, after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially (highly likely) never-ending fiasco of shooting up, then attending to it, then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television, eye decided to check the phone.  It was blowing up with "Inbox Full, Delete Messages."  (Yes, quite old style of phone.  No hipster shit here, m'eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real.)  After sorting through them and returning phone calls, eye found out that m'eye ex best friend from back "home" (if it can be called such, eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that, and even m'eye connection to where eye spent m'eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving) Marty had died that day.

There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking.  But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday.  Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things.  But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother.  She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying.  He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more.  M'eye aunt does the same thing.  Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story.  But that was all eye expected.

So many conversations.  So many people crying.  No tears from me, asshole as eye may be.  Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.)  We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better.  She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died.  Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.)  It was a little over a month before he'd be 28.  But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously?  On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day.  He didn't.  Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing.  "That's dumb."  It is dumb.  He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple?  He was in his second year of college.  But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen.  The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly.  A bit empty.  A bit offended.  Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away.  Maybe some regret?  He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text.  Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.)  Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become.  The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him.  And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.

Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it.  Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight.  She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance."  Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time.  Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up.  Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing.  It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to?  Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they.  Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..."  Don't think so.  And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever.  If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.

It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon."   (Oh and eye was!  45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60.  Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!"  (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper?  Oh - dinglehopper!"  A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid.  He took a picture too.)

It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common.  But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened.  And hadn't happened in a long time.  But then again, maybe it isn't so weird.  After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence.  Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.

If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything.  If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.

It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot.  Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive.  Like eye'm supposed to die too.  Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence.  Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone.  And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart.  With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why.  There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small."  But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself.  But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.

It doesn't seem fair, but why would it?  With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate.  Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone.  No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible.  Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type.  He wasn't, he was just lucky.  The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.

No need to dwell, though.  People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything?  No.  Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone.  Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time.  So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares?  Create or destroy, do both, do neither.  Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive."  Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.

Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side.  JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways.  Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both.  Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know.  To everyone you know.  You either accept it and move on, or you don't.


  1. Love your writing, I should be so talented! I've been doing some serious thinking myself. I've been told that I was destructive &I guess maybe I am. Tired of apologizing for living. Keep writing; I'll keep reading. Blessings, Maureen

  2. Just getting caught up on shit...been "away" for a while and just checking on some old haunts of mine. I'm glad to see you are still doing the daily grind and thangs. How is everyone been doin? Shoot me an email if you have time!