Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Done for the Day
Ha way too much from me all in one go. Finally about to get "settled" and leave. Will plead that some damn pills be left for me, or go find some otherwise. Because other than that, it's all the whims of others, and eye HATE having to rely on that, in any form. Buh B'eye, perhaps eye'll take some time out from working on stuff at an internet cafe to blurt everything out, just in case.
Change Your Taste In. Men
So... eye stole 50.. sometime around the end of October? He owed me 50, said he couldn't pay me anything, right before getting 400, which he knew about. (Angel) And so, he said he's throwing me out. Leave by January, and he keeps m'eye January money order already made out to the landlord. And wants to keep my washer and dryer. Supposedly eye should owe him for messing up his computer, the free computer he got from his mom, which eye already put money toward fixing. Which he prob recharged me for multiple times. His mom bought him another. And for the deposit on the house, which eye paid by the way. And to clean up the house, which he admitted he's having one of his pill clients do for him (while intoxicated he admitted this.) Some POS who always borrows from him, and now he'll rarely do shit for me, even if eye'm about to get cash. A bottom of the barrel worst choice to move in, but better than eye am eye suppose. (ha can't wait, within two months bet his pills will get stolen.) Poor baby needs to make the house nice to attract a decent tenant, and he's getting thousands of dollars for Christmas? Come on. And he's gotten meaner and meaner. And every deal we do make, he forgets, then accuses me of trying to fuck him over, while eye get screwed. And sometimes he yells at me to leave within x amount of time, nice one, you already said that, how would it be a threat anymore? He's "decided" this and gone back on it so many times during our time together, either eye need to go or he's about to. Fuck eye wish people would say what they mean.
And so, eye've been seeing people, guys. Not a many as one may think, but seeing them nonetheless. Why not? First off, we never agreed to be monogamous. Though HE has not acted on that, as of yet. Secondly, he's trying to say we haven't "really" been together in years (odd bc of some possessive shit he said back in June, and other stuff he's said, ways he's been since.) So funny, he says he wants to stay friends. Eye say, you'll never hear from me again. If he truly considers us just friends, and treats me like this, why on earth would eye want to be around, especially when truly getting nothing out of it, and still likely expected to run errands, etc. Who needs enemies with friends like this, etc.
And these people, these situations, in which one would expect to feel used, objectified - eye feel more cared for, attended to, liked, appreciated, and treated SO much better than someone who's supposed to love me, who supposedly still cares so deeply and more than he should? What the hell?
So much more beneficial. In so many ways.
The other night, there was some BS about him wanting me to buy from him, something he got for free, rather than him calling for me. Eye told him it was unfair, and then said fine, eye'll do it. Then he was on the phone, eye asked who he was calling. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! Told him, if he was calling, not to because eye'd already taken his offer, was making a shot. He called anyway, then asked where the shit went, give it back, etc. Told him eye'd told him twice, guess he tuned me out. He said eye never said shit. Raised his fist back and took a step toward me. "Don't you dare, don't you FUCKING dare!" He sat down and bitched. Another time he was going to hit me, quite eye threatened calling the cops. Every once in a while, he asks how can he trust ME after that shit? Again, what the hell?
He can go ahead and try to convinve my dad to let him keep the washer and dryer, after that they'll hear about every threat and every little incident. See whose side they are on then. See how much they really think he's been "taking care of me" then.
There are various reasons eye'm upset about this, and a big one is it ruins plans, basically eye had a guaranteed existence with him, one that had to be waited for, but still something to fall back on. And for all the years people told me to leave, all the shit he's pulled, why is HE the one to decide things?
Never trust a guy with two names.
He's about to leave to his mom's for the holidays, and for once is trying to do something nice for me, so of course that isn't working out. Whatever. Who knows what he'll return to? Eye am feeling very rash and very, very done. At the very least, eye want to move out without saying a word. After all, after dealing with his mom and not having to deal with me for a while, and thinking about shit, he'll probably change his mind...
So say what the fuck you mean, for once.
And so, eye've been seeing people, guys. Not a many as one may think, but seeing them nonetheless. Why not? First off, we never agreed to be monogamous. Though HE has not acted on that, as of yet. Secondly, he's trying to say we haven't "really" been together in years (odd bc of some possessive shit he said back in June, and other stuff he's said, ways he's been since.) So funny, he says he wants to stay friends. Eye say, you'll never hear from me again. If he truly considers us just friends, and treats me like this, why on earth would eye want to be around, especially when truly getting nothing out of it, and still likely expected to run errands, etc. Who needs enemies with friends like this, etc.
And these people, these situations, in which one would expect to feel used, objectified - eye feel more cared for, attended to, liked, appreciated, and treated SO much better than someone who's supposed to love me, who supposedly still cares so deeply and more than he should? What the hell?
So much more beneficial. In so many ways.
The other night, there was some BS about him wanting me to buy from him, something he got for free, rather than him calling for me. Eye told him it was unfair, and then said fine, eye'll do it. Then he was on the phone, eye asked who he was calling. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! Told him, if he was calling, not to because eye'd already taken his offer, was making a shot. He called anyway, then asked where the shit went, give it back, etc. Told him eye'd told him twice, guess he tuned me out. He said eye never said shit. Raised his fist back and took a step toward me. "Don't you dare, don't you FUCKING dare!" He sat down and bitched. Another time he was going to hit me, quite eye threatened calling the cops. Every once in a while, he asks how can he trust ME after that shit? Again, what the hell?
He can go ahead and try to convinve my dad to let him keep the washer and dryer, after that they'll hear about every threat and every little incident. See whose side they are on then. See how much they really think he's been "taking care of me" then.
There are various reasons eye'm upset about this, and a big one is it ruins plans, basically eye had a guaranteed existence with him, one that had to be waited for, but still something to fall back on. And for all the years people told me to leave, all the shit he's pulled, why is HE the one to decide things?
Never trust a guy with two names.
He's about to leave to his mom's for the holidays, and for once is trying to do something nice for me, so of course that isn't working out. Whatever. Who knows what he'll return to? Eye am feeling very rash and very, very done. At the very least, eye want to move out without saying a word. After all, after dealing with his mom and not having to deal with me for a while, and thinking about shit, he'll probably change his mind...
So say what the fuck you mean, for once.
Ok.. Eye Believe You
Some owed money &girl drama - supposedly it all starts tomorrow. Sure, soon as it was around 10am, knew something was up. Bellieve when eye see it, in the meantime, better get something else going. And still have to get to do a final. Blah.
And So It Goes
Morning visitors have not materialized. Guess eye'll finish what eye said eye would, and then arrange my day as usual, or otherwise. Did my morning shot about half an hour after eye woke up (3:30) and would rather do something again. Yesterday/end of day prior - all terrible, and don't want to be on "bare minimum" nor have this minimum not show up anyway, eye expected to have the two already, and eye'd go ahead and... get needles, get money to buy my book back, go study and do my final, write my essay. Blah blah blah. More to come..
A Post-Whore Kind of Day
The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password? AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense? Come on.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
Blasphemy
A few weeks ago (has it been a few weeks?) eye was walking to the bus stop from school and was offered a ride. Eye accepted.
The guy asked if it was ok if he stopped somewhere first. Yeah, go ahead. He had to drop something for a friend. Did eye party? Depends on what. Of course, the dude is a tweeker.
We stopped at this older guy's apartment. He broke out a bowl an put some meth in it. He offered it to me. Eye said eye'm not sure, eye quit tweeking ten years ago. Eye'd think about it. Eye had done it one time in those last ten years, split a bowl with this guy, it was ok.
About the third time he offered, eye accepted. He held it and lit it for me. And then it was passed around the three of us. The guy who'd takn me there started getting a little touchy feely. But there's no harm in a back massage, it doesn't mean eye have to put out. And put out for meth of all things? Bitch, please.
Eye started getting a really bad headache. They said eye should take a shower, and that it wasn't because the meth was bad because they were fine. Yeah, of course not, it's just me. Eye tried running my head under some water. It only helped briefy, so eye showered. And then felt better.
The old guy was a crossdresser, so he said eye should try on some clothes for them. Eye did. That was pretty fun, and he said that eye could keep this tight flower dress. Ok, cool.
We smoked more. Why on earth eye did this after feeling bad the first time, is beyond me. After a bit, eye started feeling like shit again, migraine. Took a shower, felt a bit better, laid down and the first guy gave me a massage. Old guy came in and started messing with my feet. Uh, no, no - no three way for me, so eye got up before anyone got any ideas. Well, "got" is not the right word, acted on would be the correct phrase.
Eye started to feel worse. Eye ended up vomiting a few times, and some girl came over. The guy who drove me said we should go, and old guy started getting an attitude. He wanted his dress back, and tried to take it off of me. Eye slipped into the bathroom and change clothes, gave it back. We left.
The dude said that the guy had no place getting snippy like that just because he wasn't goin to get laid. Eye said whatever, it's cool. He said it isn't. If a girl doesn't want it, she doesn't want it, no reason to get rude. He said he'd get the dress back and to call him sometime. Eye was dropped off.
Eye did some dope, felt mostly better but still not right. Then had to go back down to the computer lab.
Eye spent the night feeling weird. This ended up being the second day in which eye was up for most of three days, due to detoxing, then getting stuff but having to deal with making money, going to class, no time to sleep basically. And for a few days afterward, eye still didn't feel right. Eye tended to get headaches and feel quite vomitous. Perhaps a speed allergy now? Perhaps it's something eye cannot handle anymore.
Meth isn't something that appeals to me, nor something that eye crave or have craved since oh July 2002. It's up, down, and all around me, but not something eye tend to accept when offered. Why do it? M'eye tweek period was quite a low period in life, so depressed, so worn out. Unless binging, eye think eye sleep less now than eye did back then. But eye decided to do it, so blasphemous for a dope girl who "came from" psychedelics to do something so useless (useless for me, eye am no productive nor creative tweeker. What to do on meth? More meth, of course.) So now eye know not only is it a shit drug, it's shittier than ever for me. Eye don't feel like spending days feeling ill, so no thanks. It's been in my face since, and will be again, and there's no reason to piss off the Dope gods.
The guy asked if it was ok if he stopped somewhere first. Yeah, go ahead. He had to drop something for a friend. Did eye party? Depends on what. Of course, the dude is a tweeker.
We stopped at this older guy's apartment. He broke out a bowl an put some meth in it. He offered it to me. Eye said eye'm not sure, eye quit tweeking ten years ago. Eye'd think about it. Eye had done it one time in those last ten years, split a bowl with this guy, it was ok.
About the third time he offered, eye accepted. He held it and lit it for me. And then it was passed around the three of us. The guy who'd takn me there started getting a little touchy feely. But there's no harm in a back massage, it doesn't mean eye have to put out. And put out for meth of all things? Bitch, please.
Eye started getting a really bad headache. They said eye should take a shower, and that it wasn't because the meth was bad because they were fine. Yeah, of course not, it's just me. Eye tried running my head under some water. It only helped briefy, so eye showered. And then felt better.
The old guy was a crossdresser, so he said eye should try on some clothes for them. Eye did. That was pretty fun, and he said that eye could keep this tight flower dress. Ok, cool.
We smoked more. Why on earth eye did this after feeling bad the first time, is beyond me. After a bit, eye started feeling like shit again, migraine. Took a shower, felt a bit better, laid down and the first guy gave me a massage. Old guy came in and started messing with my feet. Uh, no, no - no three way for me, so eye got up before anyone got any ideas. Well, "got" is not the right word, acted on would be the correct phrase.
Eye started to feel worse. Eye ended up vomiting a few times, and some girl came over. The guy who drove me said we should go, and old guy started getting an attitude. He wanted his dress back, and tried to take it off of me. Eye slipped into the bathroom and change clothes, gave it back. We left.
The dude said that the guy had no place getting snippy like that just because he wasn't goin to get laid. Eye said whatever, it's cool. He said it isn't. If a girl doesn't want it, she doesn't want it, no reason to get rude. He said he'd get the dress back and to call him sometime. Eye was dropped off.
Eye did some dope, felt mostly better but still not right. Then had to go back down to the computer lab.
Eye spent the night feeling weird. This ended up being the second day in which eye was up for most of three days, due to detoxing, then getting stuff but having to deal with making money, going to class, no time to sleep basically. And for a few days afterward, eye still didn't feel right. Eye tended to get headaches and feel quite vomitous. Perhaps a speed allergy now? Perhaps it's something eye cannot handle anymore.
Meth isn't something that appeals to me, nor something that eye crave or have craved since oh July 2002. It's up, down, and all around me, but not something eye tend to accept when offered. Why do it? M'eye tweek period was quite a low period in life, so depressed, so worn out. Unless binging, eye think eye sleep less now than eye did back then. But eye decided to do it, so blasphemous for a dope girl who "came from" psychedelics to do something so useless (useless for me, eye am no productive nor creative tweeker. What to do on meth? More meth, of course.) So now eye know not only is it a shit drug, it's shittier than ever for me. Eye don't feel like spending days feeling ill, so no thanks. It's been in my face since, and will be again, and there's no reason to piss off the Dope gods.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Squalor
Ugh, the morning. It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out. Read, and look. Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing. Wait. Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road. As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is. Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late. But how long will that be? Put something, somewhere. Put practically nothing, anywhere. And now, eye feel practically the same.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Black Tar Soul
A couple of weeks ago, eye had a strange dream. Eye was incarcerated with a sizable group of women. We were in a place that seemed like a combination of a prison and a boarding school. It was some form of prison, unless it was a fusion of law enforcement and mental institution professionals, because we were taken in under the guise of arrest. We had been rounded up and placed here, it seems for the purpose of reprogramming.
During the day, we attended lectures, films, groups, and also did reading. All of the material was in regards to how heroin is evil. The main focus was not evil in the sense of what people typically say, with the whole destroying lives and families, etc. (not that it wasn't mentioned) - but evil as in the sense of religious evil, from the devil. It was astounding that there was so much material on the subject, to fill our days with this information. At night, we went back to our dorms and were to write on what we learned and our feelings before we went to sleep. So, at our most vulnerable state, during and post-withdrawal, we were fed these theories, truly genius on the part of whomever designed this system if we were going to be swayed to believe this nonsense. Eye was not favored by those in charge, because eye wasn't buying it.
One night, eye was taking to the girl in the bunk beside me as she was attending to her writing, and eye was horrified to discover that she believed this propoganda. Eye talked to a lot of other inmates, networking so that eye could still manage to get drugs. But it was sad, because the other females there were believing this crap, so the ones who still used thought things like the devil had a hold over them, they had demons inside of them, or that they themselves were evil people. Eye was surrounded by the misguided, and eye could not convince them that they were being lied to. Eye never got the satisfaction of leaving this place, because there was no resolution before eye woke up.
This semester has been one of overindulgence, most of the time using twice what eye should have been in a day. It's truly silly because eye did not do this in the way of doing bigger shots, just more shots. At night while bored on the couch, eye would go back to the bedroom every couple of hours, sometimes less often. It's funny that eye could not figure out the reason eye needed so much sleep every night. And so, now the consequences have to be contended with. Last weekend and this week were difficult, having to go through most of a day without, barely scraping by. Then eye would do the "wake up" shot in the late afternoon or evening, and the night shot a few hours later. At least some days of such discomfort resulted in a pretty quick fix of m'eye tolerance, and for a few days eye wouldn't wake up sick, and could even go deal with a class on a pathetic rinse. Eye'm now back to needing one when eye wake up, and it's back to about six or seven hours of sleep at night most of the time, which is pretty normal for me while on dope. It's too bad that if you actually learn a lesson, the consequences still last, instead of just being able to move on with what you know. Well, maybe the idea will just be even more severely ingrained, that overindulgence has to be made up for quickly. Eye've had times of doing things like that previously, but then after about a week, eye balance it by cutting down so that what eye have will last. This semester had a couple of half-assed attempts at it, but it didn't last, and eye didn't cut down until eye was almost out. This weekend was blessedly sponsored by a friend, and now eye have to set myself for beyond this weekend, a few odd jobs to do over the next week, and it's time to get on the phones, a year after eye planned to start. Well, no one said that eye'm timely about the things eye set out to do.
To the days of wine and roses and endless poses. Time to attend to homework and various nonsense, well, sometime tonight anyway. :)
During the day, we attended lectures, films, groups, and also did reading. All of the material was in regards to how heroin is evil. The main focus was not evil in the sense of what people typically say, with the whole destroying lives and families, etc. (not that it wasn't mentioned) - but evil as in the sense of religious evil, from the devil. It was astounding that there was so much material on the subject, to fill our days with this information. At night, we went back to our dorms and were to write on what we learned and our feelings before we went to sleep. So, at our most vulnerable state, during and post-withdrawal, we were fed these theories, truly genius on the part of whomever designed this system if we were going to be swayed to believe this nonsense. Eye was not favored by those in charge, because eye wasn't buying it.
One night, eye was taking to the girl in the bunk beside me as she was attending to her writing, and eye was horrified to discover that she believed this propoganda. Eye talked to a lot of other inmates, networking so that eye could still manage to get drugs. But it was sad, because the other females there were believing this crap, so the ones who still used thought things like the devil had a hold over them, they had demons inside of them, or that they themselves were evil people. Eye was surrounded by the misguided, and eye could not convince them that they were being lied to. Eye never got the satisfaction of leaving this place, because there was no resolution before eye woke up.
This semester has been one of overindulgence, most of the time using twice what eye should have been in a day. It's truly silly because eye did not do this in the way of doing bigger shots, just more shots. At night while bored on the couch, eye would go back to the bedroom every couple of hours, sometimes less often. It's funny that eye could not figure out the reason eye needed so much sleep every night. And so, now the consequences have to be contended with. Last weekend and this week were difficult, having to go through most of a day without, barely scraping by. Then eye would do the "wake up" shot in the late afternoon or evening, and the night shot a few hours later. At least some days of such discomfort resulted in a pretty quick fix of m'eye tolerance, and for a few days eye wouldn't wake up sick, and could even go deal with a class on a pathetic rinse. Eye'm now back to needing one when eye wake up, and it's back to about six or seven hours of sleep at night most of the time, which is pretty normal for me while on dope. It's too bad that if you actually learn a lesson, the consequences still last, instead of just being able to move on with what you know. Well, maybe the idea will just be even more severely ingrained, that overindulgence has to be made up for quickly. Eye've had times of doing things like that previously, but then after about a week, eye balance it by cutting down so that what eye have will last. This semester had a couple of half-assed attempts at it, but it didn't last, and eye didn't cut down until eye was almost out. This weekend was blessedly sponsored by a friend, and now eye have to set myself for beyond this weekend, a few odd jobs to do over the next week, and it's time to get on the phones, a year after eye planned to start. Well, no one said that eye'm timely about the things eye set out to do.
To the days of wine and roses and endless poses. Time to attend to homework and various nonsense, well, sometime tonight anyway. :)
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Nothing Hurts Like Your Mouth
Last semester, eye ended up with mostly B's. But eye failed Spanish, which is really to be expected, considering that on test days, eye would be studying before class, then feel "not ready" so eye wouldn't even go. Eye had to pay for the class over the summer, joy of joys. But at least was prepared, eye suppose.
This summer was a dance of working and not working and trying to survive, some times were easier than others. But there were huge issues regardless of whether finances were stable. For starters, eye was open with Angel regarding something that maybe eye should have never said. He said he appreciated me being honest. He said that it was better. But, it often seemed that it wasn't. His mouth said it was, his principles say that it was. But the way that he was on edge, the way that any other issue was magnified, it seems that as much as he wanted to hold onto that belief, he did not feel that knowledge was better.
In addition to that, there were a couple of times eye needed to call m'eye dad for rent, didn't, and claimed that eye did, while eye worked on getting the money myself. Eye never was able to get quite enough, and he found out. There were quite a few gems that came out of his mouth over the summer, and the first time he found out that eye lied regarding that, was the first time he spoke words to me that stuck.. which of course he denied even saying later on. Upon bringing that up, eye also brought up much of what eye've been holding in for years. His reaction was, "Well this isn't going to work, then." No offers of changing anything, no apologies, nothing of the sort, when his complaints are expected to be met with me modifying my behavior, or at least some kind of compromise.
Another thing that happened was he went on this "clean" kick. He has medication, so it's not like he's going to go sick because of it. This caused unbelievable strain on everything. It didn't matter to him that eye don't buy all that often, or if eye'm doing it in the other room, if eye don't bring up the subject, or that eye don't sit there nodding out in front of him. Eye didn't encourage him to use. None of that mattered. He was staying off of it just fine, but just knowing eye do it stressed him out.
Also, any time eye don't have income, every little thing becomes a huge deal. To use a cliche, all of this was "a recipe for disaster." So many times, he told me eye needed to leave, eye needed to find somewhere else to live. He's said things like that before, although usually he says that he's the one leaving, and it's a reaction to something, and he's done feeling that way within a few days. Typically when that happens, eye act as sweet as can be, and do all these little things for him, keep the house clean even though eye'm not typically the one making messes and am busy, all to get on his good side and it fixes everything. This time, it pretty much didn't work. Every once in a while, he'd talk about how he sees us together for a long time, or we can figure it out. But later he'd deny saying anything like that. One time he said that he never said he changed his mind and that eye could stay - even though eye never said that he had mentioned it at all! It's silly to deny things that you aren't being accused of.
It gets exhausting to be the only one who changes anything, to have to bend and bend even in times of not being "in the wrong." One night, eye brought up all these things regarding what he does wrong, all the ways that he's being unfair. And out pops another gold nugget from his mouth. "If you say one more word to me, you WILL be hurting." Lovely.
That was in mid- August, which was around the time he found out eye hadn't called my dad, which also happened toward the beginning of June. A couple of days later, when eye verified eye'd be getting my school money, eye printed it out for him. And at this point, eye wasn't going to bother being nice of trying to get on his good side. Eye didn't even care about... future plans regarding him. Eye threw the paper on his coffee table and said how this took care of bills and rent through June. "But if you want me to leave, so be it." And this was when he finally changed his tune, when eye didn't give a shit anymore. Funny how that happens.
So now it's back to the school routine, and there have been way too many lazy days, which eye'm fixing now. There have been too many days of overindulgence as well, deciding to go have a shot 4-6 times in a day instead of 2-3. Now that eye've stopped that - of course eye'm having difficulties with it not even kicking in, and so at least once a day, eye'll have a "do-over." That seems to defeat the whole purpose of cutting down the number of times eye do it. Also what seems to be requisite in my shooting experience lately is hitting an artery at least every couple of days. Tons of fun!
Getting older it seems, instead of making me despise myself, it just gives me even more younger people with whom to get very irritated for acting like "stupid kids."
This summer was a dance of working and not working and trying to survive, some times were easier than others. But there were huge issues regardless of whether finances were stable. For starters, eye was open with Angel regarding something that maybe eye should have never said. He said he appreciated me being honest. He said that it was better. But, it often seemed that it wasn't. His mouth said it was, his principles say that it was. But the way that he was on edge, the way that any other issue was magnified, it seems that as much as he wanted to hold onto that belief, he did not feel that knowledge was better.
In addition to that, there were a couple of times eye needed to call m'eye dad for rent, didn't, and claimed that eye did, while eye worked on getting the money myself. Eye never was able to get quite enough, and he found out. There were quite a few gems that came out of his mouth over the summer, and the first time he found out that eye lied regarding that, was the first time he spoke words to me that stuck.. which of course he denied even saying later on. Upon bringing that up, eye also brought up much of what eye've been holding in for years. His reaction was, "Well this isn't going to work, then." No offers of changing anything, no apologies, nothing of the sort, when his complaints are expected to be met with me modifying my behavior, or at least some kind of compromise.
Another thing that happened was he went on this "clean" kick. He has medication, so it's not like he's going to go sick because of it. This caused unbelievable strain on everything. It didn't matter to him that eye don't buy all that often, or if eye'm doing it in the other room, if eye don't bring up the subject, or that eye don't sit there nodding out in front of him. Eye didn't encourage him to use. None of that mattered. He was staying off of it just fine, but just knowing eye do it stressed him out.
Also, any time eye don't have income, every little thing becomes a huge deal. To use a cliche, all of this was "a recipe for disaster." So many times, he told me eye needed to leave, eye needed to find somewhere else to live. He's said things like that before, although usually he says that he's the one leaving, and it's a reaction to something, and he's done feeling that way within a few days. Typically when that happens, eye act as sweet as can be, and do all these little things for him, keep the house clean even though eye'm not typically the one making messes and am busy, all to get on his good side and it fixes everything. This time, it pretty much didn't work. Every once in a while, he'd talk about how he sees us together for a long time, or we can figure it out. But later he'd deny saying anything like that. One time he said that he never said he changed his mind and that eye could stay - even though eye never said that he had mentioned it at all! It's silly to deny things that you aren't being accused of.
It gets exhausting to be the only one who changes anything, to have to bend and bend even in times of not being "in the wrong." One night, eye brought up all these things regarding what he does wrong, all the ways that he's being unfair. And out pops another gold nugget from his mouth. "If you say one more word to me, you WILL be hurting." Lovely.
That was in mid- August, which was around the time he found out eye hadn't called my dad, which also happened toward the beginning of June. A couple of days later, when eye verified eye'd be getting my school money, eye printed it out for him. And at this point, eye wasn't going to bother being nice of trying to get on his good side. Eye didn't even care about... future plans regarding him. Eye threw the paper on his coffee table and said how this took care of bills and rent through June. "But if you want me to leave, so be it." And this was when he finally changed his tune, when eye didn't give a shit anymore. Funny how that happens.
So now it's back to the school routine, and there have been way too many lazy days, which eye'm fixing now. There have been too many days of overindulgence as well, deciding to go have a shot 4-6 times in a day instead of 2-3. Now that eye've stopped that - of course eye'm having difficulties with it not even kicking in, and so at least once a day, eye'll have a "do-over." That seems to defeat the whole purpose of cutting down the number of times eye do it. Also what seems to be requisite in my shooting experience lately is hitting an artery at least every couple of days. Tons of fun!
Getting older it seems, instead of making me despise myself, it just gives me even more younger people with whom to get very irritated for acting like "stupid kids."
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
>( ~ *) >( ~ *) >( ~ *)
You would cry too if it happened to you.
What? A post of substance right after such a long absence? Don't think so!
What? A post of substance right after such a long absence? Don't think so!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Home Is Where Your Eyes Are!
Ok, so a couple of days turned into nearly a couple of weeks. Go figure.
The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks. They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks. Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away. They had not yet been de-feathered. Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me. Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down. Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive. So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering! The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death. Eye was horrified. Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment. It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.
There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills. Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does. He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money. However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day. So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned. Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.
Today eye checked on grades. Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not. There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else. However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly.
Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something. It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing. The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else. Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up." So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people. And they probably think that they're getting "high on life."
Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while. However, it was hotter inside than outside. Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house. it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house. As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot. For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.
Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever. She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times. These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws. However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable. She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to. Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.
The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks. They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks. Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away. They had not yet been de-feathered. Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me. Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down. Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive. So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering! The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death. Eye was horrified. Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment. It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.
There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills. Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does. He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money. However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day. So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned. Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.
Today eye checked on grades. Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not. There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else. However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly.
Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something. It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing. The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else. Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up." So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people. And they probably think that they're getting "high on life."
Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while. However, it was hotter inside than outside. Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house. it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house. As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot. For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.
Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever. She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times. These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws. However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable. She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to. Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
iZigg
A post of more substance to follow within the next couple of days.
<3
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
- from Repo Men, 2010. Song - Moloko - Sing It Back
Gotta love it... Over break, eye was the recipient of a LOVELY abscess on m'eye thigh. It started out as pain, then to hardness, then to discoloration (pink, purple, yellow, green) over about 1/3 the front of m'eye thigh. Then the discoloration faded away and it just turned into a big, regular abscess. It actually came up quite quickly, up to the point where the layer of skin covering it was very thin. It was obnoxious throughout the whole process, from before eye was sure what it would become, through the stage of it "becoming," as an abscess, cutting it open, packing and cleaning it every day, all the way up to stitching - every day walking, getting up, being in certain positions - all painful. Angel had to cut a three-inch long opening. It ended up being an inch deep (he didn't cut THAT far down, eye think half an inch or so, but the infection itself made it that deep) and half an inch wide. Night after night, squeezing m'eye nails into the side of m'eye thigh as a distraction, harder depending on what he was doing - packing in gauze is the worst, by the way. After the infection was cleared out, which took about a week or so, he stitched me up. These are the first stitches eye've ever had. Eye watched this scene of Repo Men on the last night of cleaning and then stitching, eye wish eye'd thought of it earlier. And it would be lovely to have some kind of material that automatically seals wounds, like they have in this scene.
The same night he started the thigh abscess process, he said he wanted to "just check" the one on m'eye hand, to see how far down it went, he was going to make "just a tiny cut." Trickery! He made the cut, then said, "Oh, it's farther down than eye thought." Cut more, then started squeezing. Squeezing an abscess on a bony area feels completely different than a fatty area. Then he cleaned it up and bandaged it. We haven't done anything else with it, but it appears to need one more cut and squeeze session. There was a tiny one on m'eye arm that had opened on its own and occasionally leaked out in two spots, and he squeezed out that one, too. One of m'eye friends decided to start calling me Spongebob because of all of the holes in me.
This morning while running across the street to catch the bus, eye slipped and fell on the ground. M'eye water and juice bottle spilled out of their side pockets of m'eye backpack and rolled away. There was a car in a different lane, and they stopped for me, even though eye wasn't in front of them. Eye'm lucky that the road was pretty clear of cars, but it was terrifying, imagining some car not seeing me and just running over me. Eye have a scraped knee, elbows, and palms, but the stitches are intact.
Eye'm liking school, eye seem to have remembered more of Spanish from last semester than eye would have expected. Our last in-class assignment that involved formulating and answering questions in Spanish, involving the material we had just learned, plus how to formulate sentences and vocabulary from last semester - we had to do it with a partner, then the professor went around the class asking us each for an example. We both thought that we didn't do well, but we did it just as we were supposed to do. We have an upcoming Anthropology assignment that amuses me - we have to ride a hotel elevator for about half an hour and observe "the customs of riding an elevator in Vegas."
Well, eye have about half an hour before eye have to head toward class, so eye'm going to attempt to catch up on blogs.
*P.S. - Sorry if comments aren't showing up... something's up with this site on this computer.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Awful
Eye recently learned that an ex-boyfriend of a good friend got arrested for breaking into a warehouse, skinning and eating a cat, and then wearing the tail as a necklace! His excuse was "just getting out of jail and being homeless and hungry." Horrifying, absolutely the worst. Eye thought it was bad when an ex-roommate went and shot his sleeping father and burned down the house, back in the fall of 2008. (Neither of these people are into heroin, by the way.) But this cat occurance, to me, is much, much worse than the guy shooting the father who abused him on a couple of occasions. What can eye say? Eye have more of a soft spot for animals than people. And, of course, the ex-girlfriend is busy defending him to anyone who's heated about this event - whether they are just horrified or if they are making fun of him... Eye seem to remember him treating her not too well, and she's been with someone new for over a year, so why she feels the need to stand up for him, eye haven't a clue and don't understand. Oh, the winners with whom eye am acquainted!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Back to the Swing of Things
Yeah it's been a while. Busy with school, then a lazy week of dope, Dilaudid, and sleeping pills, then school computers were closed as eye curled up sick in bed or ran around attempting to make money. Eye DID on and off keep up with most people's blogs, but cannot comment to them by phone, and if eye log into m'eye own blog on the phone, it shuts the stupid thing off.
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
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