Monday, December 3, 2012


Ugh, the morning.  It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out.  Read, and look.  Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing.  Wait.  Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road.  As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is.  Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late.  But how long will that be?  Put something, somewhere.  Put practically nothing, anywhere.  And now, eye feel practically the same.

Last night was useless.  Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled.  Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean.  It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters.  Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.

And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others.  The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience.  Potentially vomiting on other people.  Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...

The house, it looks like shit.  Eye can't bring myself to care.  Eye can't bring myself to care about much.  What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable?  They become either nothing, or even more attractive.  Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January.  It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons.  But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about.  An entire life and plan just sucked away.  So screw all that.

So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend?  Yeah fucking right.

And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result.  Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other.  But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of?  But how to get to it in the first place?  It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not.  Plan B goes to shit?  Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.

It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing.  The whole effects of any of it thing.  Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it.  quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same.  "Just drugs," oh -so sure.  me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this.  And many times, worse.  Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up.  This is me, having given up.  He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas?  That's his biggest concern?  Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.

Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing.  To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.

Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight.  And it's the only concept that keeps me going.  Short or long road - all so very circumstancial.  Although short is so very glamourous to me right now.  Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?

No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody.  Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done.  Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable.  And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way. 

Etc, so on, and so forth.  Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.


  1. Hi I hope it lets me "publish" this as I've had bad troubles with Internet Explorer not letting any comments through to blogs that use your specific template for commenting...

    Ukh: it didn't work. I signed in through mozarella firefox just 4u ;-)

    You sound like you would be really depressed without the pills. My house is in bad squalor too I try to do cleaning 1/2 an hr per day but it seems to make no difference. I don't mind cleaning sinks, surfaces, toilet, shower etc. What I hate is clearing and cleaning the floor. My excuse is I say I'm too tall & so the floor is too far away from me.

    I also sleep far too long, nearly every day. I read a really good book by Emil Kraepelin about "manic-depressive insanity" and he points out that all symptoms cycle independently, so that they're slightly out of sync with one another... which explains a lot. I've turned to quite a few books and websites on bipolar and find they all make the same mistake of writing around the DSM diagnostic criteria rather than describing what the illness is actually like in real life... in fact I'm so pissed off with the sweeping generalizations that get perpetuated book to book and website to website that I'm thinking of writing a book of my own.

    B4 I go: here's wishing you a v merry xmas and may 2013 be way better than 2012 was! ;-)

  2. Slow down Sweety and thinking a lot can cause tension and depression.
    Kisses for you.I know pity very well and am trying my best to avoid it but life does not always allow.LoveXoXo