Why no one ever told me about the song, eye do not know.
How can anyone mourn the loss of someone who was never there to begin with? For all of m'eye changes- eye am always, always the same. Giving, but very selfish, self-centered, self-oriented, oblivious, etc.
Am eye a bad friend for considering making another friend wait at the Greyhound station so that eye can make more money? It's not greed when it's survival, and rent isn't even paid. Eye didn't make her wait, eye came with a ride... But eye did not visit her in the hospital while she was here. Most of her "vacation" was pure misery, eye had no bus pass, but wouldn't have been impossible to get a ride over there. Eye did get her a ride back here and back to the bus depot.
This summer has been very hard, hard as hell, "hard as nails." Eye am not keen on having another one, another anything like it. Yes eye spent a lot of time online, but wouldn't come back here to say anything. Eye had other priorities and besides - hate to blog when things are going shitty. There's enough whiners, why be a downer - if someone wanted a downer, well - there are drugs for that. That isn't the only reason. Bonus Points to someone who can correctly decipher why.
Eye've encountered the stupidest circle ever. Eye expected problems with financial aid. There are none. It could be sent to me Monday or Tuesday. But - eye owe the community college $468.50 in order to go to UNLV, or any other school. This is for supposedly dropped (actually failed) classes from spring semester of 2011. Eye can appeal, but it will take a month or two. So, to get it, eye have to pay something eye can't afford. Eye've been barely able to get by all summer. At least the other obstacle circle is no longer in the way - needing to pay to get the internet back on, but needing the internet to make money. Family - completely unsympathetic. "We live with the results of our choices." "Why did you wait til the last minute to enroll?" "Why didn't you get a job?" "Maybe you should take a semester or two off and get a job." Ha - if eye was able to get a good enough job and hang onto it - well, with no car to go to work AND school - eye'd be unwilling to quit and go back to living off of jack shit again while working on a degree. Oh - cell phone is due to be shut off in a couple of days. Eye need that, too in order to get this all together.
Fucked for Life. No matter what, your life will always, always be fucked in some way, and if not - it will be soon. So may as well accept it, and learn to love it. That's m'eye fake gang with friends from where eye previously lived.
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
What? A Junkie Complaining? NEVER!
Ugh... so today when eye went out, m'eye bottle of crystal light was not completely closed, it leaked over everything - including the phone. So - now it's hanging out in a bag of rice. Since eye can't waste the day reading stuff online with the phone, here eye am.
Eye've been scraping by as of late... sold m'eye books back at a bookstore. Because only one store was open, the one that doesn't pay well, and they'd "changed policies" what should have netted me $80-100 left me with $26. Eye knew eye was being screwed. Eye smiled and took the cash anyway. Eye've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long, using the hell out of them, as long as they think does coming at the end, they'll do it. Eye don't find this inaccurate.
The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams. There are so many things wrong with this. First off - there are two different types of dope. There's the more expensive ones and the regular ones. The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes. So now eye'm stuck doing sub par shit. It's also very hard for me to regulate. Individually packaged balloons, eye'll take one, sometimes two. With a half - eye end up with three shots. So this is typically used post scoring, before bed, and then in the morning. Since eye like to lounge after waking up, by the time eye'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don't want to do anything. Lately, eye've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don't have at least $35? You're screwed. Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money, only ended up with twenty bucks. Lovely. Completely useless. So this morning eye was feeling like crap. Luckily, Angel decided he'd give me one Dilaudid (eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot), which he wouldn't do last night. It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel "cheery" for about an hour. In other words, no nod, but better than just feeling normal. Eye left and ended up making more than expected. Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!
Then eye had to come home, and Angel didn't want to wake up and call, didn't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control. Years ago, he "forbid" the dealer from dealing with me. But one phone call when he wasn't home, and telling the dealer he wouldn't find out, was the end of that, unless Angel is here. Recently, while he was hospitalized, eye admitted eye could call for myself, and had been for some time. But now that he's home - ha. And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn't want to deal with me. Really? Haha. Ok dude. So, after someone else showed up to buy pills, he called, and eye settled down for a long, boring wait. But they were fast. The driver and his buddy arrived, perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was (they've been tweeking lately.) They had no change, but the buddy drove me to the corner store. When eye was inside, eye thought he'd left. Then when eye got in, eye briefly thought he was the other guy. Eye told him about it, and he wanted to know why. Lack of drugs. But why? Eye can't function properly without them, and pretty soon, "It'll be the same for you, except you won't get sick." He told me not to say anything else about it. That, and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior, leads me to believe they're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension. It isn't - it's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures, and just being honest. Oh well.
M'eye veins have been HELL lately. Eye know eye mention it often enough, but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day? Ridiculous. Angel doesn't want to help, but geez, m'eye Parkinson's-unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for. If it took me seconds, up to a couple minutes maybe, most times when shooting myself or other people up, and eye didn't manage to fuck up, eye wouldn't make a big deal about shooting someone up! Seriously!
Well.... eye guess, even though eye don't need to really worry about it just yet, eye should get back on the whole money-making thing, instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush. Or at least uh... enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty.
Eye've been scraping by as of late... sold m'eye books back at a bookstore. Because only one store was open, the one that doesn't pay well, and they'd "changed policies" what should have netted me $80-100 left me with $26. Eye knew eye was being screwed. Eye smiled and took the cash anyway. Eye've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long, using the hell out of them, as long as they think does coming at the end, they'll do it. Eye don't find this inaccurate.
The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams. There are so many things wrong with this. First off - there are two different types of dope. There's the more expensive ones and the regular ones. The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes. So now eye'm stuck doing sub par shit. It's also very hard for me to regulate. Individually packaged balloons, eye'll take one, sometimes two. With a half - eye end up with three shots. So this is typically used post scoring, before bed, and then in the morning. Since eye like to lounge after waking up, by the time eye'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don't want to do anything. Lately, eye've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don't have at least $35? You're screwed. Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money, only ended up with twenty bucks. Lovely. Completely useless. So this morning eye was feeling like crap. Luckily, Angel decided he'd give me one Dilaudid (eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot), which he wouldn't do last night. It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel "cheery" for about an hour. In other words, no nod, but better than just feeling normal. Eye left and ended up making more than expected. Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!
Then eye had to come home, and Angel didn't want to wake up and call, didn't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control. Years ago, he "forbid" the dealer from dealing with me. But one phone call when he wasn't home, and telling the dealer he wouldn't find out, was the end of that, unless Angel is here. Recently, while he was hospitalized, eye admitted eye could call for myself, and had been for some time. But now that he's home - ha. And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn't want to deal with me. Really? Haha. Ok dude. So, after someone else showed up to buy pills, he called, and eye settled down for a long, boring wait. But they were fast. The driver and his buddy arrived, perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was (they've been tweeking lately.) They had no change, but the buddy drove me to the corner store. When eye was inside, eye thought he'd left. Then when eye got in, eye briefly thought he was the other guy. Eye told him about it, and he wanted to know why. Lack of drugs. But why? Eye can't function properly without them, and pretty soon, "It'll be the same for you, except you won't get sick." He told me not to say anything else about it. That, and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior, leads me to believe they're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension. It isn't - it's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures, and just being honest. Oh well.
M'eye veins have been HELL lately. Eye know eye mention it often enough, but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day? Ridiculous. Angel doesn't want to help, but geez, m'eye Parkinson's-unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for. If it took me seconds, up to a couple minutes maybe, most times when shooting myself or other people up, and eye didn't manage to fuck up, eye wouldn't make a big deal about shooting someone up! Seriously!
Well.... eye guess, even though eye don't need to really worry about it just yet, eye should get back on the whole money-making thing, instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush. Or at least uh... enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Forever Reckless
Eye have a cold. It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed. It can, however, be dulled. But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one. It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early. Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs. A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs. And now, eye can breathe. For now. Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore. Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now. It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then. However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same. While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in. Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house. Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.
On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building. Eye talked him back into rational thinking. Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him. It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything. So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky. The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating. He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him. Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account. Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back. Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer. Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself." This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him. And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks. Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row. We fought horribly in those days, almost every day. But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted. Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned. But, back then, eye only needed one every day. Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two. Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point. The day before, eye got just over one, all day long. Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that. That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting. Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.
It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors. The eating disorder shit, gone. Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now. But nope. Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore. Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.
Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin. Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message." As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again. It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others. Nothing eye can do about it, really.
It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era. Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat. Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.
Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend. It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father. He is very nervous. Eye kind of understand. Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother. So, that's one factor that makes it different. However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid. Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.
Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use. Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history. Same old story, people like to confide in me. Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah." But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested. Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing. Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope? We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such. Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score. So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine. Such a sucker. Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out. One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles. Well, that wasn't his phone... He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me. Eye had no money nor dope to spare. This time, he was on foot. Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here. He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment. Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing. If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all. Too much drama. Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.
Veins are being assholes. But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly. However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am. Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that. So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away? And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over? (Yep, he's said that more than once.) So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. He keeps suggesting to muscle it. What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs? No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes. Get more lumps. Hit more arteries. You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.
Ugh, it's getting late. Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early. Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning. Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway. Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning? He got over $100 today, but like that matters. The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got. Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things? Eye certainly don't. However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.
Oh! He also got some shrooms today. So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin. So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon. When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way. Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking. Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him. Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean. Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not. Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.
3:11am - do you know where your junkie is? Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.
On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building. Eye talked him back into rational thinking. Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him. It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything. So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky. The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating. He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him. Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account. Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back. Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer. Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself." This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him. And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks. Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row. We fought horribly in those days, almost every day. But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted. Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned. But, back then, eye only needed one every day. Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two. Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point. The day before, eye got just over one, all day long. Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that. That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting. Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.
It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors. The eating disorder shit, gone. Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now. But nope. Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore. Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.
Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin. Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message." As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again. It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others. Nothing eye can do about it, really.
It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era. Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat. Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.
Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend. It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father. He is very nervous. Eye kind of understand. Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother. So, that's one factor that makes it different. However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid. Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.
Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use. Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history. Same old story, people like to confide in me. Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah." But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested. Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing. Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope? We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such. Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score. So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine. Such a sucker. Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out. One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles. Well, that wasn't his phone... He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me. Eye had no money nor dope to spare. This time, he was on foot. Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here. He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment. Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing. If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all. Too much drama. Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.
Veins are being assholes. But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly. However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am. Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that. So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away? And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over? (Yep, he's said that more than once.) So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. He keeps suggesting to muscle it. What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs? No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes. Get more lumps. Hit more arteries. You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.
Ugh, it's getting late. Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early. Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning. Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway. Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning? He got over $100 today, but like that matters. The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got. Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things? Eye certainly don't. However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.
Oh! He also got some shrooms today. So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin. So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon. When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way. Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking. Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him. Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean. Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not. Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.
3:11am - do you know where your junkie is? Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.
Monday, January 7, 2013
May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor
Christmas break - it had its ups and downs. One of the drivers who had split off from the dealer over being accused of something he didn't do, decided he would start his own business. Because of having a wife and child, he wanted to use our house for storing and packaging. For this, Angel was to get paid, eye was to get 2 per day. The first day he came over, he asked funny things like how to deal with it when it's powder instead of tar, and how much is in a gram. But why would he know? He'd never used, and never been in charge of anything other than delivery. His little business lasted about five days. So after that, for me, it was a cycle of binge and starve, drugs-wise.
Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due. Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests. Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it. But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available. By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed. The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation. Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid. Find a hacker, a new school? But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter. So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income? And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation. It's a relief. And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again. Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well. Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way. It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.
On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day. Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day. Eye decided to try the homeless people. Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day. Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth." He would have done it for a few dollars. M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed. Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card. So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it. No good.
From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview. That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc. He needed someone to do office work for him. Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him. Fucking obnoxious.
Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home. Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive. Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable. So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning. When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep. So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry. So much for getting to stay, after all. However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not. So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis. Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one. He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school. Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here. He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be. He'll change his mind about the temprary thing. He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad. And then change back again. Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here. Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail. And eye will be the one expected to bend and change. HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc. She was most adamant about me leaving. During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet. What a bitch. Oh well.
New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house. At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead. Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID. Stupid. Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about. Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later. Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard. Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down. Angel was here. He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it. New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.
Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair. It's been growing out for a year. Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it. Not so, apparently. But who cares. Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair? Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys. Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone. Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero. Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out? No.
Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back. Basically have to wait around til he feels like it. It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense. Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account. And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine. Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment. The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot. Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with. Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't. And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible. Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks. This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end. Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful. Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.
On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky." Angel and eye laughed at that. It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything... Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Eye've never figured out which one.
Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah. The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible. Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt. If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it? Wishful thinking. Fuck. A week and a half. It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes. Mine or his. Or yours. Not really, it all depends on my "levels." Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...
& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)
Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due. Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests. Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it. But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available. By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed. The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation. Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid. Find a hacker, a new school? But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter. So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income? And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation. It's a relief. And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again. Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well. Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way. It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.
On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day. Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day. Eye decided to try the homeless people. Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day. Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth." He would have done it for a few dollars. M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed. Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card. So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it. No good.
From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview. That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc. He needed someone to do office work for him. Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him. Fucking obnoxious.
Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home. Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive. Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable. So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning. When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep. So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry. So much for getting to stay, after all. However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not. So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis. Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one. He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school. Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here. He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be. He'll change his mind about the temprary thing. He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad. And then change back again. Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here. Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail. And eye will be the one expected to bend and change. HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc. She was most adamant about me leaving. During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet. What a bitch. Oh well.
New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house. At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead. Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID. Stupid. Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about. Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later. Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard. Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down. Angel was here. He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it. New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.
Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair. It's been growing out for a year. Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it. Not so, apparently. But who cares. Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair? Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys. Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone. Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero. Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out? No.
Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back. Basically have to wait around til he feels like it. It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense. Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account. And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine. Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment. The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot. Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with. Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't. And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible. Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks. This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end. Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful. Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.
On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky." Angel and eye laughed at that. It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything... Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Eye've never figured out which one.
Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah. The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible. Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt. If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it? Wishful thinking. Fuck. A week and a half. It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes. Mine or his. Or yours. Not really, it all depends on my "levels." Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...
& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A Post-Whore Kind of Day
The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password? AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense? Come on.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Squalor
Ugh, the morning. It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out. Read, and look. Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing. Wait. Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road. As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is. Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late. But how long will that be? Put something, somewhere. Put practically nothing, anywhere. And now, eye feel practically the same.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Home Is Where Your Eyes Are!
Ok, so a couple of days turned into nearly a couple of weeks. Go figure.
The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks. They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks. Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away. They had not yet been de-feathered. Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me. Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down. Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive. So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering! The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death. Eye was horrified. Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment. It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.
There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills. Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does. He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money. However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day. So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned. Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.
Today eye checked on grades. Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not. There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else. However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly.
Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something. It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing. The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else. Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up." So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people. And they probably think that they're getting "high on life."
Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while. However, it was hotter inside than outside. Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house. it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house. As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot. For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.
Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever. She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times. These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws. However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable. She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to. Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.
The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks. They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks. Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away. They had not yet been de-feathered. Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me. Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down. Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive. So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering! The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death. Eye was horrified. Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment. It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.
There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills. Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does. He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money. However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day. So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned. Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.
Today eye checked on grades. Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not. There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else. However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly.
Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something. It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing. The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else. Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up." So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people. And they probably think that they're getting "high on life."
Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while. However, it was hotter inside than outside. Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house. it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house. As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot. For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.
Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever. She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times. These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws. However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable. She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to. Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Back to the Swing of Things
Yeah it's been a while. Busy with school, then a lazy week of dope, Dilaudid, and sleeping pills, then school computers were closed as eye curled up sick in bed or ran around attempting to make money. Eye DID on and off keep up with most people's blogs, but cannot comment to them by phone, and if eye log into m'eye own blog on the phone, it shuts the stupid thing off.
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Public Service Announcement
So many mistakes are made when it comes to using heroin or other opiates (this targets injected opiates), so here are some suggestions and warnings for people.
Being addicted is quite unpleasant when it comes to withdrawal. (See previous post.) If you're going to use in the first place, do not use more often than 8 hours of a day, and wait at least 72 hours until you use again. (Sources - heroin helper, other users & addicts.) That takes care of the physical part. But watch out for "mental" addiction that makes it easier to forgo the rule. If your clean days seem less worthwhile than the day you use, a problem is developing. (Source - Gledwood's old blog.) Consider cutting down your frequency, or stopping altogether.
Do not share not only needles, but equipment as well (cottons, cookers, etc.) Be very wary of getting "clean" needles from other people - look for it coming out of a sealed package, with the cap sealed on, ensure it does not have a little spot of blood, and in the United States at least here - a clean needle's plunger is not pressed all the way to the bottom, it has about 5 units or so of space/air in it. Better to just get your own. And if other people are injecting in your house, WATCH what they do with their needles, so they are not confused with yours. Do not underestimate the potential for disease, do not trust that people would not infect you on purpose. (Source - http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com/2011/10/killing-fields.html)
Abscesses are terrible! They come from impurities (little pieces of dirt, cut in the dope, pill fragments, etc.) Filter, filter, filter! Then LOOK at the needle to see if there is a little piece of cotton on it, pull it off, wash the needle in full-blast water. (*Cotton fever can aslo be avoided this way.) Wash it even if you don't see anything. Then, keep the cap on until you are about to inject. Whenever possible, clean off the spot you're going to use for injection, preferably with an alcohol wipe. Avoid intramuscular injection and skin-popping if possible, and if you get blood in the syringe, avoid putting it back into anywhere but a vein. If it starts clogging/coagulating, it's best to dump it back into a cooker, add water, re-cook, re-filter. While injecting into a vein, if it starts to hurt, pull back and check if you're still in the vein, and re-register if necessary. (Sources - other addicts/users, bluelight, heroin helper.)
Veins, for some people, can be extremely hard to come by. If a person uses for long enough, even the people who started out with "ropes" very well may have vein issues. Avoid the whole "track mark" thing - injecting into one spot til it stops working, then following that vein all the way up til the whole thing is dead. Rotate injection sites as often as you can. If/when you begin to get to the point your veins are dying out, avoid "pointless" shots. Don't do cotton/filters/rinses unless there are no other options & you're ill. Don't shoot up just for the hell of it, and there's no reason to shoot up 8 + times a day - pretty much anything after 5 or 6, you barely even feel it. Purchase needles frequently, use fresh ones whenever possible, and switch needles if you've made several attempts to do one injection. Dull & barbed needles do further damage to veins. (Sources - other addicts & users, bluelight, own dying veins that were small & difficult to begin with!)
Eye don't have the absolute best answer for China White, but at least when it comes to tar - COOK your dope. Some people say that it shouldn't be cooked because "Heroin is water-soluble and cooking it makes the impurities break down & can also get in your mixture." Well, bacteria's pretty tiny, too, and can easily get into your needle. Heat can kill bacteria. Think some Mexicans haven't rolled an actual piece of FECES into an extremely big block of heroin, in their middle-fingered spiteful salute to Americans? Ha! Think again (source - someone who's been there for an instance like this.) (And before the comments just fly in about "how can you still use it, knowing a story like that - disgusting! Well...first off, there's that whole heat killing bacteria thing. And think you've never been served food after someone hasn't washed their hands? It's more common than you think. People spitting in food does also happen. Do you still go out to eat?) This bacteria can lead to tissue or blood poisoning. This can be fatal. (Source - the hooker who used to come over to beg for free cottons off of me, which eye willingly provided, last year eye was 100% disease free which is still true unless someone slipped me something during sleep or switched a needle while eye wasn't looking, and eye DO watch - which is possible but unlikely... but she also didn't care & was under the mistaken impression that "once AIDS hits air, it dies." You could not tell her differently. She boiled down cottons, but eye never saw her cook actual dope. She died of MRSA, an infection she developed from uncooked dope, about six weeks ago.)
Be very wary of letting someone go off to score drugs for you if you do not know them. Especially when they are an addict, especially to a different drug! It's especially suspect if they say they'll do it for free or $5 or less. (Source - own, embarrassing! stupidity.) It tends to be less likely to happen if it's someone like say, your long-term neighborhood homeless person with whom you have shared previous conversations, and you offer to get them a bag. After all, you see them pretty often, they're unlikely to run off somewhere, and if they're getting something too, there's no real reason to screw you. Eye hear you can also make similar offers to people at methadone clinics, but have never attempted it, myself.
Um... don't drive or operate heavy machinery while nodding out. (Source - common sense.)
"Drugs are bad, m'kay?" (South Park)
And now, back to your regularly scheduled program.
Being addicted is quite unpleasant when it comes to withdrawal. (See previous post.) If you're going to use in the first place, do not use more often than 8 hours of a day, and wait at least 72 hours until you use again. (Sources - heroin helper, other users & addicts.) That takes care of the physical part. But watch out for "mental" addiction that makes it easier to forgo the rule. If your clean days seem less worthwhile than the day you use, a problem is developing. (Source - Gledwood's old blog.) Consider cutting down your frequency, or stopping altogether.
Do not share not only needles, but equipment as well (cottons, cookers, etc.) Be very wary of getting "clean" needles from other people - look for it coming out of a sealed package, with the cap sealed on, ensure it does not have a little spot of blood, and in the United States at least here - a clean needle's plunger is not pressed all the way to the bottom, it has about 5 units or so of space/air in it. Better to just get your own. And if other people are injecting in your house, WATCH what they do with their needles, so they are not confused with yours. Do not underestimate the potential for disease, do not trust that people would not infect you on purpose. (Source - http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com/2011/10/killing-fields.html)
Abscesses are terrible! They come from impurities (little pieces of dirt, cut in the dope, pill fragments, etc.) Filter, filter, filter! Then LOOK at the needle to see if there is a little piece of cotton on it, pull it off, wash the needle in full-blast water. (*Cotton fever can aslo be avoided this way.) Wash it even if you don't see anything. Then, keep the cap on until you are about to inject. Whenever possible, clean off the spot you're going to use for injection, preferably with an alcohol wipe. Avoid intramuscular injection and skin-popping if possible, and if you get blood in the syringe, avoid putting it back into anywhere but a vein. If it starts clogging/coagulating, it's best to dump it back into a cooker, add water, re-cook, re-filter. While injecting into a vein, if it starts to hurt, pull back and check if you're still in the vein, and re-register if necessary. (Sources - other addicts/users, bluelight, heroin helper.)
Veins, for some people, can be extremely hard to come by. If a person uses for long enough, even the people who started out with "ropes" very well may have vein issues. Avoid the whole "track mark" thing - injecting into one spot til it stops working, then following that vein all the way up til the whole thing is dead. Rotate injection sites as often as you can. If/when you begin to get to the point your veins are dying out, avoid "pointless" shots. Don't do cotton/filters/rinses unless there are no other options & you're ill. Don't shoot up just for the hell of it, and there's no reason to shoot up 8 + times a day - pretty much anything after 5 or 6, you barely even feel it. Purchase needles frequently, use fresh ones whenever possible, and switch needles if you've made several attempts to do one injection. Dull & barbed needles do further damage to veins. (Sources - other addicts & users, bluelight, own dying veins that were small & difficult to begin with!)
Eye don't have the absolute best answer for China White, but at least when it comes to tar - COOK your dope. Some people say that it shouldn't be cooked because "Heroin is water-soluble and cooking it makes the impurities break down & can also get in your mixture." Well, bacteria's pretty tiny, too, and can easily get into your needle. Heat can kill bacteria. Think some Mexicans haven't rolled an actual piece of FECES into an extremely big block of heroin, in their middle-fingered spiteful salute to Americans? Ha! Think again (source - someone who's been there for an instance like this.) (And before the comments just fly in about "how can you still use it, knowing a story like that - disgusting! Well...first off, there's that whole heat killing bacteria thing. And think you've never been served food after someone hasn't washed their hands? It's more common than you think. People spitting in food does also happen. Do you still go out to eat?) This bacteria can lead to tissue or blood poisoning. This can be fatal. (Source - the hooker who used to come over to beg for free cottons off of me, which eye willingly provided, last year eye was 100% disease free which is still true unless someone slipped me something during sleep or switched a needle while eye wasn't looking, and eye DO watch - which is possible but unlikely... but she also didn't care & was under the mistaken impression that "once AIDS hits air, it dies." You could not tell her differently. She boiled down cottons, but eye never saw her cook actual dope. She died of MRSA, an infection she developed from uncooked dope, about six weeks ago.)
Be very wary of letting someone go off to score drugs for you if you do not know them. Especially when they are an addict, especially to a different drug! It's especially suspect if they say they'll do it for free or $5 or less. (Source - own, embarrassing! stupidity.) It tends to be less likely to happen if it's someone like say, your long-term neighborhood homeless person with whom you have shared previous conversations, and you offer to get them a bag. After all, you see them pretty often, they're unlikely to run off somewhere, and if they're getting something too, there's no real reason to screw you. Eye hear you can also make similar offers to people at methadone clinics, but have never attempted it, myself.
Um... don't drive or operate heavy machinery while nodding out. (Source - common sense.)
"Drugs are bad, m'kay?" (South Park)
And now, back to your regularly scheduled program.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Bugs & Drugs
Today, wasn't even craving a coffee, but bought one anyway. Eye have $12 for "spending money" that really should be saved for tobacco.
A few days ago, there was a moth in our kitchen by the ceiling. Last week, eye found two adult roaches and two baby ones in the same night. A couple of days before that, two roaches greeted me upon opening the medicine cabinet. Other than that, we've been blessedly free of roaches, for the most part, lately. Back in Jul'eye, we were having a week of frequent rain. Heat, humidity - these attract roaches. We live in a "raised" house - meaning instead of a house that's built on a concrete foundation, we have floorboards and about four feet of nothingness (a "crawl space" above just dirt. There used to be an opening on the side of the house, by the bathroom, that led to this. Small animals would crawl under there, get bitten by a brown recluse or black widow (Eye have found one of each in the house before) and die. And so, the roaches come to feed on the rotting bodies, breed, and there you go! - roach colony is created. When it's humid, the little pests decide to pop in for a visit. We used to have boxes of dishes in the corner, excess dishes from a previous roommate who never took them from me, that were never unpacked, sold, or claimed. Well, in this corner, roaches decided to come up and make a little home in the boxes, apparently. One night, upon opening the refrigerator in the dark, the fridge light illuminated the floor, and on the floor eye saw tons of baby roaches crawling around, looking for crumbs. It was like a small anthill had exploded, except they were baby roaches. Eye was horrified and disgusted. We spent the next few days sanitizing the house, spraying, and stomping. Mind you, our house was not absolutely FILTHY, but a little unclean at the time (like crumbs on the floor, sometimes dishes would stack up for about a week.) Some of the roaches had a tolerance for spray, and instead of dying, would start acting oddly, like walking around in circles for hours, or coming out during the day. It took a couple of weeks before we mostly got rid of the problem. Some still appear, every so often. About a month ago, for about a week, Angel found one or two roaches daily, right as they were about to lay eggs! He squished them. The kitchen is now kept absolutely wiped down, and dishes are washed within an hour, put away the following day. However, eye am still absolutely cluttered in the bedroom - boxes of papers in the corners, piles of paper on the dresser, and a hamper FULL of clean clothes (there is not enough room for all of m'eye clothes, as eye don't get rid of them once they don't fit anymore. This would be a mistake that eye refuse to make again, as every few years, eye tend to have dramatic weight changes.) Eye'm terrified at what eye may discover if eye decide to clear the desk or boxes. Roaches also like to come inside when it's cold. Also, as our yard is full of grass and trees, that the landlord waters once to twice daily (though the law here is twice weekly, and Aunt Patty keeps her yard JUST fine that way), bugs live in the yard and like to say hello every once in a while. Occasionally there will be a rolly-polly in the entrance way, flies like to come inside during the summer, eye refuse to go in the yard if eye see a bee. Eye DO like the occasional salamander that comes into the house, however.
Eye went through a 2 month's supply in one month. This is half m'eye fault, for having an extra shot on more days than eye was supposed to. The other half is Angel's. He cannot pay me back except once per month, when his disability check comes in. Even then, he will only be able to pay back about half. Eye'm hoping he gets his pain management issues taken care of within a couple of weeks, so that he won't start racking it up, again. That simply is not affordable for me. As yesterday eye was undecided upon how much money eye was going to spend for the next chunk, eye got $100 worth. Eye have now decided the next chunk will be $900, instead of $1200. Since $1500 remains, that's what's affordable. He'd BETTER get his own situation taken care of, this time.
The stuff we got yesterday did NOT want to melt when it was cooked. It was really annoying watching 90 units of water turn into 20 units of black liquid that looked like goop instead of brown liquid, with a big ball still sitting in the cooker. So, this stuff takes extra time and water to prepare.
Veins last night were being a nightmare. Angel attempted to poke me about eight times before he gave up. He was just going to stick it in m'eye butt (intramuscular, or for me, intra-fat!) Eye STILL refuse to do it this way, especially if there is blood in the syringe. Eye went to the bathroom. Got a small register, and proceeded, even though it looked like the "register" may have stopped. It didn't hurt, so eye figured it was safe. WRONG. The spot began to swell. Eye moved up, tried again. This time, the register was a bit stronger, but a brighter red blood instead of dark. On me, this usually means something isn't quite right. (Also more oxygenated blood tends to clog the needle more quickly.) Eye stupidly decided to go ahead with it. Once again, it didn't hurt. Eye started to feel something. Once again, eye started to swell. Tried lower. Trickle of bright red blood. I then moved to m'eye left arm. Amazingly, on the first attempt, eye got a great register. Eye went to push it in, and the needle was clogged! To be further insulting, as all this "nonsense" was occurring, the cigarette eye'd made rolled into the sink and got wet. Since eye do not have a cigarette machine, eye make cigarettes with a straw, pen innards, and an antennae. It takes at least a minute to stuff each tube. Oh well, at least by the end, there was only 20 units of the seventy eye'd started with, and much of it was blood. Eye went to clean the needle out in the sink, and, of course, eye was able to squirt it out. Wh'eye wasn't eye able to squirt it into m'eye arm? This morning, the swelling had luckily enough gone down, but eye was unable to get a vein in m'eye right arm. In the left, since the spot only likes to work about twice weekly, and eye had poked it yesterday (even though nothing was put in), the little traitor did not work. Eye went higher again on m'eye right arm. It registered, but it was too hard to push in, as in about to clog. Eye walked out to Angel to have him plunge the mixture inside. Unfortunately, the needle had moved during the trip. He re-registered. It started to hurt. He went to register again. The needle clogged. We poured it out into a cooker, and drew it up into a second needle. Luckily enough, he was able to get his usual spot on his second poke. last night, we assumed that vein was dead. Hoping for better times ahead.
A few days ago, there was a moth in our kitchen by the ceiling. Last week, eye found two adult roaches and two baby ones in the same night. A couple of days before that, two roaches greeted me upon opening the medicine cabinet. Other than that, we've been blessedly free of roaches, for the most part, lately. Back in Jul'eye, we were having a week of frequent rain. Heat, humidity - these attract roaches. We live in a "raised" house - meaning instead of a house that's built on a concrete foundation, we have floorboards and about four feet of nothingness (a "crawl space" above just dirt. There used to be an opening on the side of the house, by the bathroom, that led to this. Small animals would crawl under there, get bitten by a brown recluse or black widow (Eye have found one of each in the house before) and die. And so, the roaches come to feed on the rotting bodies, breed, and there you go! - roach colony is created. When it's humid, the little pests decide to pop in for a visit. We used to have boxes of dishes in the corner, excess dishes from a previous roommate who never took them from me, that were never unpacked, sold, or claimed. Well, in this corner, roaches decided to come up and make a little home in the boxes, apparently. One night, upon opening the refrigerator in the dark, the fridge light illuminated the floor, and on the floor eye saw tons of baby roaches crawling around, looking for crumbs. It was like a small anthill had exploded, except they were baby roaches. Eye was horrified and disgusted. We spent the next few days sanitizing the house, spraying, and stomping. Mind you, our house was not absolutely FILTHY, but a little unclean at the time (like crumbs on the floor, sometimes dishes would stack up for about a week.) Some of the roaches had a tolerance for spray, and instead of dying, would start acting oddly, like walking around in circles for hours, or coming out during the day. It took a couple of weeks before we mostly got rid of the problem. Some still appear, every so often. About a month ago, for about a week, Angel found one or two roaches daily, right as they were about to lay eggs! He squished them. The kitchen is now kept absolutely wiped down, and dishes are washed within an hour, put away the following day. However, eye am still absolutely cluttered in the bedroom - boxes of papers in the corners, piles of paper on the dresser, and a hamper FULL of clean clothes (there is not enough room for all of m'eye clothes, as eye don't get rid of them once they don't fit anymore. This would be a mistake that eye refuse to make again, as every few years, eye tend to have dramatic weight changes.) Eye'm terrified at what eye may discover if eye decide to clear the desk or boxes. Roaches also like to come inside when it's cold. Also, as our yard is full of grass and trees, that the landlord waters once to twice daily (though the law here is twice weekly, and Aunt Patty keeps her yard JUST fine that way), bugs live in the yard and like to say hello every once in a while. Occasionally there will be a rolly-polly in the entrance way, flies like to come inside during the summer, eye refuse to go in the yard if eye see a bee. Eye DO like the occasional salamander that comes into the house, however.
Eye went through a 2 month's supply in one month. This is half m'eye fault, for having an extra shot on more days than eye was supposed to. The other half is Angel's. He cannot pay me back except once per month, when his disability check comes in. Even then, he will only be able to pay back about half. Eye'm hoping he gets his pain management issues taken care of within a couple of weeks, so that he won't start racking it up, again. That simply is not affordable for me. As yesterday eye was undecided upon how much money eye was going to spend for the next chunk, eye got $100 worth. Eye have now decided the next chunk will be $900, instead of $1200. Since $1500 remains, that's what's affordable. He'd BETTER get his own situation taken care of, this time.
The stuff we got yesterday did NOT want to melt when it was cooked. It was really annoying watching 90 units of water turn into 20 units of black liquid that looked like goop instead of brown liquid, with a big ball still sitting in the cooker. So, this stuff takes extra time and water to prepare.
Veins last night were being a nightmare. Angel attempted to poke me about eight times before he gave up. He was just going to stick it in m'eye butt (intramuscular, or for me, intra-fat!) Eye STILL refuse to do it this way, especially if there is blood in the syringe. Eye went to the bathroom. Got a small register, and proceeded, even though it looked like the "register" may have stopped. It didn't hurt, so eye figured it was safe. WRONG. The spot began to swell. Eye moved up, tried again. This time, the register was a bit stronger, but a brighter red blood instead of dark. On me, this usually means something isn't quite right. (Also more oxygenated blood tends to clog the needle more quickly.) Eye stupidly decided to go ahead with it. Once again, it didn't hurt. Eye started to feel something. Once again, eye started to swell. Tried lower. Trickle of bright red blood. I then moved to m'eye left arm. Amazingly, on the first attempt, eye got a great register. Eye went to push it in, and the needle was clogged! To be further insulting, as all this "nonsense" was occurring, the cigarette eye'd made rolled into the sink and got wet. Since eye do not have a cigarette machine, eye make cigarettes with a straw, pen innards, and an antennae. It takes at least a minute to stuff each tube. Oh well, at least by the end, there was only 20 units of the seventy eye'd started with, and much of it was blood. Eye went to clean the needle out in the sink, and, of course, eye was able to squirt it out. Wh'eye wasn't eye able to squirt it into m'eye arm? This morning, the swelling had luckily enough gone down, but eye was unable to get a vein in m'eye right arm. In the left, since the spot only likes to work about twice weekly, and eye had poked it yesterday (even though nothing was put in), the little traitor did not work. Eye went higher again on m'eye right arm. It registered, but it was too hard to push in, as in about to clog. Eye walked out to Angel to have him plunge the mixture inside. Unfortunately, the needle had moved during the trip. He re-registered. It started to hurt. He went to register again. The needle clogged. We poured it out into a cooker, and drew it up into a second needle. Luckily enough, he was able to get his usual spot on his second poke. last night, we assumed that vein was dead. Hoping for better times ahead.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
EYEing
Over the weekend, discovered through the internet that eye'm not the only person who talks in EYES. These are people eye've never met, so it made me pretty excited.
The test was easy, which is either a good or bad sign. Next will be time to look up articles for classes.
Yesterday, a man on the bus decided to tell me all about the way he looks down upon the "Occupy (City)" movement. The reason strangers love to pick ME to talk to about their views & problems is beyond me. Maybe eye look like eye "care."
Last night, due to leaving the library at a late hour, and a bus just passing right by, not even SEEING me, EYE (emphasized just to be irritating to anyone who thinks such) paid a man $20 to drive me home. Before the bus passed me, an ambulance, blaring its siren, passed by. The sound was offensive at such a disgusting "hour of the day," when stomachs begin to sour, brains start to fizzle, and senses (slightly) begin to assault. (Colors off/more intense in an unpleasant way, loud sounds are startling, and temperature sensitivity.)
Angel... (*rolls Eyes*) decided to be irritating and irritable last night, which was not at all helpful for studying purposes. Attempted sleep about 5 1/2 hours before it was time to get up. He then decided to pull me out of bed to help him fix (apparently for the 5th or so time yesterday) the swamp cooler, about an hour later. This morning, when eye woke him up, he said he wanted to start charging me a bag for every four injections he does for me. This would result in me not having the ability to do extra, at all. Yes, it is annoying to be woken up. However, he is on three opiates, two benzodiazipines, and a muscle relaxer. Eye am on one opiate, pretty much used as "maintenance." Naturally, he rarely has a hard time getting back to sleep. Me? hard to get to sleep, hard to stay asleep, hard to get back to sleep. And it's not like he "does" much of anything. If somehow it was legal for me to go to his doctor appointments for him, he'd probably want me to do that, too. Perhaps eye should come up with a certain amount to charge him for every little task he has me perform.
This weekend was sort of entertaining. To make a long story of thoughts about each little thing condensed a bit...
1. Go to bar, drink.
2. Bartender gives me a free drink at the end of her shift.
3. Angel attempts to pick her up, coaxes me to consider going home with a girl. (eye've only kissed girls before.)
4. She says she's interested but is with friends, would want to mostly be involved with me.
5. He tells me what she said, eye think it's a "nice" way to blow someone off, he said he "picked up on" that she was into it, but scared. (Who's right? Who knows? He's had lots of sexual experience, but isn't a girl who's had to reject men.)
6. He gives up, wants to go to other bar. Funny the way that the one time eye would have actually DONE this, that the situation happened the way that it did. He wants to stop at home to get money. Now, this wouldn't be HIS money since he'd spent it all, & previously had told him that eye don't want to go out because eye can't afford to. To which said he'd pay.
7. He waits for me on corner. Eye pretend to pass out in bathroom when his drunken impatience drove him home. Tell him eye'm "too wobbly" to go back out. (lie)
8. He asks for the phone book to call "adult entertainment services." Insists on getting me laid by a girl. Eye say eye won't pay. He says he'll pay me back. It soon just becomes a series of him prank-calling - talking explicitly about sex, when prostitution isn't legal in this county. He discovers that most of the phone numbers go to just one place (which eye was going to work for at one time - answering the phone), he's told the girls are only allowed to dance, he's told they don't do couples, he's told our neighborhood is "too bad" to come to, he's told to stop calling or they'd call the cops on him. (By the way, the range for a "stripper" to come over is $300-500.)
9. The next day - a girl from one of those places calls him back. He says he isn't interested anymore.
The test was easy, which is either a good or bad sign. Next will be time to look up articles for classes.
Yesterday, a man on the bus decided to tell me all about the way he looks down upon the "Occupy (City)" movement. The reason strangers love to pick ME to talk to about their views & problems is beyond me. Maybe eye look like eye "care."
Last night, due to leaving the library at a late hour, and a bus just passing right by, not even SEEING me, EYE (emphasized just to be irritating to anyone who thinks such) paid a man $20 to drive me home. Before the bus passed me, an ambulance, blaring its siren, passed by. The sound was offensive at such a disgusting "hour of the day," when stomachs begin to sour, brains start to fizzle, and senses (slightly) begin to assault. (Colors off/more intense in an unpleasant way, loud sounds are startling, and temperature sensitivity.)
Angel... (*rolls Eyes*) decided to be irritating and irritable last night, which was not at all helpful for studying purposes. Attempted sleep about 5 1/2 hours before it was time to get up. He then decided to pull me out of bed to help him fix (apparently for the 5th or so time yesterday) the swamp cooler, about an hour later. This morning, when eye woke him up, he said he wanted to start charging me a bag for every four injections he does for me. This would result in me not having the ability to do extra, at all. Yes, it is annoying to be woken up. However, he is on three opiates, two benzodiazipines, and a muscle relaxer. Eye am on one opiate, pretty much used as "maintenance." Naturally, he rarely has a hard time getting back to sleep. Me? hard to get to sleep, hard to stay asleep, hard to get back to sleep. And it's not like he "does" much of anything. If somehow it was legal for me to go to his doctor appointments for him, he'd probably want me to do that, too. Perhaps eye should come up with a certain amount to charge him for every little task he has me perform.
This weekend was sort of entertaining. To make a long story of thoughts about each little thing condensed a bit...
1. Go to bar, drink.
2. Bartender gives me a free drink at the end of her shift.
3. Angel attempts to pick her up, coaxes me to consider going home with a girl. (eye've only kissed girls before.)
4. She says she's interested but is with friends, would want to mostly be involved with me.
5. He tells me what she said, eye think it's a "nice" way to blow someone off, he said he "picked up on" that she was into it, but scared. (Who's right? Who knows? He's had lots of sexual experience, but isn't a girl who's had to reject men.)
6. He gives up, wants to go to other bar. Funny the way that the one time eye would have actually DONE this, that the situation happened the way that it did. He wants to stop at home to get money. Now, this wouldn't be HIS money since he'd spent it all, & previously had told him that eye don't want to go out because eye can't afford to. To which said he'd pay.
7. He waits for me on corner. Eye pretend to pass out in bathroom when his drunken impatience drove him home. Tell him eye'm "too wobbly" to go back out. (lie)
8. He asks for the phone book to call "adult entertainment services." Insists on getting me laid by a girl. Eye say eye won't pay. He says he'll pay me back. It soon just becomes a series of him prank-calling - talking explicitly about sex, when prostitution isn't legal in this county. He discovers that most of the phone numbers go to just one place (which eye was going to work for at one time - answering the phone), he's told the girls are only allowed to dance, he's told they don't do couples, he's told our neighborhood is "too bad" to come to, he's told to stop calling or they'd call the cops on him. (By the way, the range for a "stripper" to come over is $300-500.)
9. The next day - a girl from one of those places calls him back. He says he isn't interested anymore.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Blarg!
Coffee... so.... tempting. Line - SO LONG. Eye keep looking through the window of the library over to the attached Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Eye so badly want to go in there. Eye shouldn't.
Eye SHOULD be diligently searching for the required articles for two classes - one on PTSD & the military for a group project, one for an article review in another class. The group for the group project is meeting Saturday. They'll expect me to have found information by then. We have to show the professor which article we're doing on Wednesday. Spanish class has a test Tuesday. So, it would be good to start now, instead of putting it off...
Eye told Aunt Patty that eye am doing an appeal for state-assistance for rent. Eye told her that eye was participating in a research project for money to keep the phone on. And she bought me a phone card! Ugh - that's just MORE money eye'm going to owe her. And eye wonder how long eye can hold her off on the whole "not having student loans yet" lie. She expects it to be deposited in her account. Eye took her off direct deposit and had it sent to me as a check a month ago, because she wanted to control it all. And it's not like eye have time to be a full-time student and what was turning into 4-6 hour sessions of begging, just to end up with $10-20! And it's not like eye can say, "By the way, eye need $600 per month," nor do eye have enough creative excuses in me to end up getting that much every month, little bits at a time, quite frequently.
M'eye eye itches. Indulgence, impatience. Part of me just wants to go home.
Eye SHOULD be diligently searching for the required articles for two classes - one on PTSD & the military for a group project, one for an article review in another class. The group for the group project is meeting Saturday. They'll expect me to have found information by then. We have to show the professor which article we're doing on Wednesday. Spanish class has a test Tuesday. So, it would be good to start now, instead of putting it off...
Eye told Aunt Patty that eye am doing an appeal for state-assistance for rent. Eye told her that eye was participating in a research project for money to keep the phone on. And she bought me a phone card! Ugh - that's just MORE money eye'm going to owe her. And eye wonder how long eye can hold her off on the whole "not having student loans yet" lie. She expects it to be deposited in her account. Eye took her off direct deposit and had it sent to me as a check a month ago, because she wanted to control it all. And it's not like eye have time to be a full-time student and what was turning into 4-6 hour sessions of begging, just to end up with $10-20! And it's not like eye can say, "By the way, eye need $600 per month," nor do eye have enough creative excuses in me to end up getting that much every month, little bits at a time, quite frequently.
M'eye eye itches. Indulgence, impatience. Part of me just wants to go home.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Love & Addiction, Paired
People say that love is like an addiction. Eye suppose so!
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Ballsack
Last night, eye woke up to use the restroom. When eye came out, eye saw Luabelle following me. Eye went into the kitchen for ice cream. She stood in the doorway. After a few spoonfuls, eye put it back in the freezer. Then, eye couldn't find her! Eye went back to the bedroom, the door was only open about an inch, just like eye'd left it. And the cat was on the bed. She'd never left. Eye haven't had a random hallucination in a long time. The last one was in the spring - after eye woke up, a glittery raver girl came into the bedroom & asked if eye wanted to go out, told me to get ready, then she exited for the living room. Eye got dressed and went out there, only to find a dark room with no one in it. Funny that eye believed it was real and didn't question the whole situation, considering it was a stranger and everything...
SO not doing well on that "not spending money" thing today. Angel packed me an orange. But eye decided to go get a bagel with the "$1 Tuesdays" coupon. After that, decided to get coffee, if the line wasn't long (it usually is.) It wasn't. Then eye decided that they had to take m'eye order within 2 minutes or eye'd leave, and took out the phone stopwatch. No, now they had one minute. The cashier called me at 58 and a half seconds. This needs to stop, considering, though eye have rent, cell phone, and bus passes taken care of through January, and if Angel pays me back - something else through mid-November... eye have $1518.67 to pay for our "Cox Bundle" (home phone, cable, and internet), electricity, and the other issue, until next semester starts.
Whenever Spanish class starts, eye usually feel lost until eye re-review the previous lesson. It's really annoying, in the way that eye feel stupid. We have a test and homework due on Monday. Eye also have to meet with a group from another class on Saturday, for our group project. They want to "go over what articles we've found." And, eye've found nothing so far, considering eye haven't even looked!
Steve has STILL not brought back Baby's body. Eye really hope that he actually did what he said he was going to do - can't bear the thought of her in a landfill. Last night, eye had a dream that she came to visit me as a ghost. Eye got to carry her around & hang out. It was very disappointing to wake up.
SO not doing well on that "not spending money" thing today. Angel packed me an orange. But eye decided to go get a bagel with the "$1 Tuesdays" coupon. After that, decided to get coffee, if the line wasn't long (it usually is.) It wasn't. Then eye decided that they had to take m'eye order within 2 minutes or eye'd leave, and took out the phone stopwatch. No, now they had one minute. The cashier called me at 58 and a half seconds. This needs to stop, considering, though eye have rent, cell phone, and bus passes taken care of through January, and if Angel pays me back - something else through mid-November... eye have $1518.67 to pay for our "Cox Bundle" (home phone, cable, and internet), electricity, and the other issue, until next semester starts.
Whenever Spanish class starts, eye usually feel lost until eye re-review the previous lesson. It's really annoying, in the way that eye feel stupid. We have a test and homework due on Monday. Eye also have to meet with a group from another class on Saturday, for our group project. They want to "go over what articles we've found." And, eye've found nothing so far, considering eye haven't even looked!
Steve has STILL not brought back Baby's body. Eye really hope that he actually did what he said he was going to do - can't bear the thought of her in a landfill. Last night, eye had a dream that she came to visit me as a ghost. Eye got to carry her around & hang out. It was very disappointing to wake up.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Habits
Eye stupidly decided to "play lazy" and watch stupid television shows all weekend, putting off studying to the last minute. Procrastination is a common theme throughout m'eye life.
Eye am currently working on extinguishing "triggers" - feeling the need to go shoot up when certain circumstances occur. These include - boredom, seeing someone else shoot up in person or in a movie, seeing needles on TV or in movies, something upsetting me, having certain people come over to the house, right after coming home from shopping or school or whatever, right after buying drugs, and "too much talking" about heroin. Eye have been pretty sucessful at this so far, as eye work toward the goal of only doing "extra" every three days. Originally, it was going to be every other day, as that's what was affordable from what eye bought. However, Angel suggested that eye change it to every three, just to make sure the stuff lasts as long as possible. Eye have come up with another reason - if eye continually do extra every other day, eye will eventually build up a tolerance, which will increase the daily need. Eye suppose that getting over the circumstantial compulsive use would be important if eye ever decided to quit. However, right now, it's just to ensure that supply lasts as long as it needs to. (Now, if only eye could make sure Angel bought his own, instead of "running up a tab" with me, this could definitely happen. Eye'm going to have to break into "month 2" over a week early, a little bit because eye did extra on a daily basis for more than the first week, but mostly, because he's also doing at least the same amount that eye am, every day. Thing is - he has money, he's just too lazy to go to the ATM and is being such a weenie about "Why wait for 30 minutes when it's right here?" Maybe to ensure you keep the connect, considering the periodic phone number changes.)
Eye am also working on stopping spending money as if eye have an endless supply of it. Eye'll need to actually start working, first, which may be impossible until the semester is over. Eye'm improving, for sure, but really need to get the spending down to zero, excluding essential items.
What eye have improved upon, ever since eye was able to purchase m'eye own cigarettes, is how much eye smoke, when the amount is completely up to me. Eye used to fill m'eye container with 21 cigarettes, whenever eye left the house. Now, eye take only four. Eye could still improve how much eye smoke at home, but am no longer a smokestack.
Yesterday, our friend Steve came by. Previously, we discussed Baby and cremation. He said that he had a friend who works at the pound, and he could get it done for me for free, and still keep her ashes. He took her and dropped her off last night. Eye truly hope that he really did it, and she's not just in a dumpster somewhere. (Eye checked trash cans and dumpsters in the area last night due to this paranoia, about 20 minutes after he left.) Eye was actually initially more concerned about him "getting distracted" on the way - he is a tweeker with many social ties, after all. But, last night, eye saw him headed in the direction of the pound, which is not in the direction of his house, and is a mile away, then eye saw him about an hour later, and he said that he had dropped her off, and would get the ashes to me tomorrow. Eye'm hoping for the best, the paranoid thought of her body left somewhere is so disrespectful and horrifying, although he doesn't really have a reason to do that to her. But, all Luabelle's meowing yesterday, especially since it occurred with greater frequency after Baby's remains were taken away out of the freezer, and stuff Angel has said, it just has m'eye head spinning.
Eye kept clippings from Baby's tail. Last night, eye took the plastic bag of clippings into the living room. Eye petted the fur. Eye let Luabelle smell them, and then she licked them, then rubbed her face on the bag. Next, she took the bag in her teeth and tried to take it away from me! She's so lonely. She started sleeping next to Angel when eye leave the house, she hasn't slept by him in quite a long time. She also curled under the covers with me a couple of nights ago, like Baby used to when it was cold, and Luabelle rarely does. She's also letting me hold her paw, like Baby did, and Luabelle never has before. Every night, she stands next to m'eye head and makes me pet her. She follows me, hangs out, and lays on me, pretty much constantly, instead of frequently. Eye miss Baby so much, but can't afford to fall apart until the semester ends.
Well, it's time to end the procrastination and get on to getting m'eye notes and studying. Tomorrow's test is worth a third of m'eye grade.
Eye am currently working on extinguishing "triggers" - feeling the need to go shoot up when certain circumstances occur. These include - boredom, seeing someone else shoot up in person or in a movie, seeing needles on TV or in movies, something upsetting me, having certain people come over to the house, right after coming home from shopping or school or whatever, right after buying drugs, and "too much talking" about heroin. Eye have been pretty sucessful at this so far, as eye work toward the goal of only doing "extra" every three days. Originally, it was going to be every other day, as that's what was affordable from what eye bought. However, Angel suggested that eye change it to every three, just to make sure the stuff lasts as long as possible. Eye have come up with another reason - if eye continually do extra every other day, eye will eventually build up a tolerance, which will increase the daily need. Eye suppose that getting over the circumstantial compulsive use would be important if eye ever decided to quit. However, right now, it's just to ensure that supply lasts as long as it needs to. (Now, if only eye could make sure Angel bought his own, instead of "running up a tab" with me, this could definitely happen. Eye'm going to have to break into "month 2" over a week early, a little bit because eye did extra on a daily basis for more than the first week, but mostly, because he's also doing at least the same amount that eye am, every day. Thing is - he has money, he's just too lazy to go to the ATM and is being such a weenie about "Why wait for 30 minutes when it's right here?" Maybe to ensure you keep the connect, considering the periodic phone number changes.)
Eye am also working on stopping spending money as if eye have an endless supply of it. Eye'll need to actually start working, first, which may be impossible until the semester is over. Eye'm improving, for sure, but really need to get the spending down to zero, excluding essential items.
What eye have improved upon, ever since eye was able to purchase m'eye own cigarettes, is how much eye smoke, when the amount is completely up to me. Eye used to fill m'eye container with 21 cigarettes, whenever eye left the house. Now, eye take only four. Eye could still improve how much eye smoke at home, but am no longer a smokestack.
Yesterday, our friend Steve came by. Previously, we discussed Baby and cremation. He said that he had a friend who works at the pound, and he could get it done for me for free, and still keep her ashes. He took her and dropped her off last night. Eye truly hope that he really did it, and she's not just in a dumpster somewhere. (Eye checked trash cans and dumpsters in the area last night due to this paranoia, about 20 minutes after he left.) Eye was actually initially more concerned about him "getting distracted" on the way - he is a tweeker with many social ties, after all. But, last night, eye saw him headed in the direction of the pound, which is not in the direction of his house, and is a mile away, then eye saw him about an hour later, and he said that he had dropped her off, and would get the ashes to me tomorrow. Eye'm hoping for the best, the paranoid thought of her body left somewhere is so disrespectful and horrifying, although he doesn't really have a reason to do that to her. But, all Luabelle's meowing yesterday, especially since it occurred with greater frequency after Baby's remains were taken away out of the freezer, and stuff Angel has said, it just has m'eye head spinning.
Eye kept clippings from Baby's tail. Last night, eye took the plastic bag of clippings into the living room. Eye petted the fur. Eye let Luabelle smell them, and then she licked them, then rubbed her face on the bag. Next, she took the bag in her teeth and tried to take it away from me! She's so lonely. She started sleeping next to Angel when eye leave the house, she hasn't slept by him in quite a long time. She also curled under the covers with me a couple of nights ago, like Baby used to when it was cold, and Luabelle rarely does. She's also letting me hold her paw, like Baby did, and Luabelle never has before. Every night, she stands next to m'eye head and makes me pet her. She follows me, hangs out, and lays on me, pretty much constantly, instead of frequently. Eye miss Baby so much, but can't afford to fall apart until the semester ends.
Well, it's time to end the procrastination and get on to getting m'eye notes and studying. Tomorrow's test is worth a third of m'eye grade.
Monday, September 26, 2011
New Blog
It's about time, this damn thing won't work on the phone. Eye have been following a few blogs on here, mostly dope-related, so if anyone has any blogs to suggest to me, it's much appreciated. Far as ex-users go, most frankly tend to BORE ME. Especially when they whine about wanting to use, it's like - well, go for it... That may be rude, but it's just the mood as of late. (And, likewise, am sure that they would find me boring as well.) However, if the ex-user has mental disorders, or isn't "quite done", or engages in interesting activities or other self-destructive habits, well, that's not boring. Or hell, even if eye like their writing, eye suppose.
Recently, eye FINALLY got to give up panhandling for a while, because of school. Student loans and grants are the best, and am determined to "not fuck it up." Eye allowed a certain amount of "play money," everything else is pre-paid bills and dope. The dope, well, eye have been overindulging SLIGHTLY since the day the money was received (Tuesday), but it hasn't been enough to fuck me over - it's been 3 shots a day instead of 2 (or 1 big shot and one regular), when it's supposed to be extra every OTHER day. Now, Angel (boyfriend) feels he was "fucked over" on not getting "enough" FREE SHIT off the fuckload of money eye spent to take care of ME for the next two months. He's gotten around this by "let me buy this much from you and get one free" instead of calling the dealer... He's now out of money so eye get to cover him til he gets his check. Eye'm not bitter about that, just bitter that he devised a way (not sure if it's intentional) to get the extra stuff he'd originally wanted. So, that's ending right now. And so, now to make up for it, either the next month eye'll have to do extra every 4 days, or every 3 for the next month and a half. Another beautiful way he benefits from buying from me, he expects that he gets something every time eye buy bc since last year, when Tanner lived with us, Angel decided that the "deals" (extras) were now HIS. At least some of them. And since he's not buying the lot off me, the next purchase to replace what he's done, will result in getting less... He doesn't know eye've found a way around this. He once "forbade" the connect to deal with me. And Angle blindly believes this is the case, but since when is a dealer going to say no to money? Eye will replace said missing stuff when he is out at a doctor's appointment. It's only fair, not like eye get his freebies, plus right before the money came in, Angel was writing down $15 for every $10 he covered me, which had to be paid back.
Panhandling... when the homeless on the highway exit near the house started getting territorial, one bitch said "You have a bike, you can ride it somewhere else." This led me to another exit, on a road where hookers are known to be. This led to some interesting proposals. Toward the close of the last panhandling cycle, eye went from calling myself "beggar" to "opportunist beggar," but at least half of the time, eye just liked to fuck with the people who asked me, telling them it wasn't enough money, laughing at them, playing mentally handicapped... To one black guy eye made a small circle with my hand, to represent a vagina, and opened my mouth into the tiny circle it can be, and then told him, "Sorry, think eye'm to small for you." Panhandling also led to two tickets within three days, am hoping eye can go on a payment plan, rather than soon have a warrant. In addition, the highway patrol started threatening arrest, so had to move to a regular street corner, where after a little while, it got worse every day, every day the money was worse than the day before, every day of the week was worse than that day during the previous week. Usually eye was able to see cops before they saw me, and pretend eye was just walking... But if any did know what was up, they left me alone. Anyhow, glad to be done of it, for however long. Christmas isn't that bad, except more police patrol on the exits. Best signs eye have seen: "Will smoke your weed for food." And a girl who smiled and waved at every car, whose sign just said, "Share Kindness." Maybe one can't get in trouble for that one... But maybe eye won't have to ever beg again. Lovely Melody Lee has suggested doing phone sex.
Eye LOVE Mondays, classes all day long. In one class, which is classified a psychology class but is more like neurology - we talk about drugs, quite a bit. Every class, he mentions heroin. That class deserves a post-class shot. However, eye am NOT going to carry the shit around, and with the way black tar has near completely destroyed any usable veins, it's just not feasible. The second and third classes are an hour and forty five minutes away from each other, but still. Today, went to get Mediterranean food after class, instead. It's pretty empty in there, no clue how the guy affords the bills. Also, mentally drooled over paintings and hookahs that were displayed. Me, pre-dope, would have definitely bought them. But this has "evened me out" to the point where only tiny symptoms of mania/hypomania ever really appear.
This is a bit ho-hum but who cares? Next time will go into the whole reason eye have a new blog anyway, thanks to some assholes who decided to go to the family with the dope issue, resulting in getting a close call with homelessness myself.
Recently, eye FINALLY got to give up panhandling for a while, because of school. Student loans and grants are the best, and am determined to "not fuck it up." Eye allowed a certain amount of "play money," everything else is pre-paid bills and dope. The dope, well, eye have been overindulging SLIGHTLY since the day the money was received (Tuesday), but it hasn't been enough to fuck me over - it's been 3 shots a day instead of 2 (or 1 big shot and one regular), when it's supposed to be extra every OTHER day. Now, Angel (boyfriend) feels he was "fucked over" on not getting "enough" FREE SHIT off the fuckload of money eye spent to take care of ME for the next two months. He's gotten around this by "let me buy this much from you and get one free" instead of calling the dealer... He's now out of money so eye get to cover him til he gets his check. Eye'm not bitter about that, just bitter that he devised a way (not sure if it's intentional) to get the extra stuff he'd originally wanted. So, that's ending right now. And so, now to make up for it, either the next month eye'll have to do extra every 4 days, or every 3 for the next month and a half. Another beautiful way he benefits from buying from me, he expects that he gets something every time eye buy bc since last year, when Tanner lived with us, Angel decided that the "deals" (extras) were now HIS. At least some of them. And since he's not buying the lot off me, the next purchase to replace what he's done, will result in getting less... He doesn't know eye've found a way around this. He once "forbade" the connect to deal with me. And Angle blindly believes this is the case, but since when is a dealer going to say no to money? Eye will replace said missing stuff when he is out at a doctor's appointment. It's only fair, not like eye get his freebies, plus right before the money came in, Angel was writing down $15 for every $10 he covered me, which had to be paid back.
Panhandling... when the homeless on the highway exit near the house started getting territorial, one bitch said "You have a bike, you can ride it somewhere else." This led me to another exit, on a road where hookers are known to be. This led to some interesting proposals. Toward the close of the last panhandling cycle, eye went from calling myself "beggar" to "opportunist beggar," but at least half of the time, eye just liked to fuck with the people who asked me, telling them it wasn't enough money, laughing at them, playing mentally handicapped... To one black guy eye made a small circle with my hand, to represent a vagina, and opened my mouth into the tiny circle it can be, and then told him, "Sorry, think eye'm to small for you." Panhandling also led to two tickets within three days, am hoping eye can go on a payment plan, rather than soon have a warrant. In addition, the highway patrol started threatening arrest, so had to move to a regular street corner, where after a little while, it got worse every day, every day the money was worse than the day before, every day of the week was worse than that day during the previous week. Usually eye was able to see cops before they saw me, and pretend eye was just walking... But if any did know what was up, they left me alone. Anyhow, glad to be done of it, for however long. Christmas isn't that bad, except more police patrol on the exits. Best signs eye have seen: "Will smoke your weed for food." And a girl who smiled and waved at every car, whose sign just said, "Share Kindness." Maybe one can't get in trouble for that one... But maybe eye won't have to ever beg again. Lovely Melody Lee has suggested doing phone sex.
Eye LOVE Mondays, classes all day long. In one class, which is classified a psychology class but is more like neurology - we talk about drugs, quite a bit. Every class, he mentions heroin. That class deserves a post-class shot. However, eye am NOT going to carry the shit around, and with the way black tar has near completely destroyed any usable veins, it's just not feasible. The second and third classes are an hour and forty five minutes away from each other, but still. Today, went to get Mediterranean food after class, instead. It's pretty empty in there, no clue how the guy affords the bills. Also, mentally drooled over paintings and hookahs that were displayed. Me, pre-dope, would have definitely bought them. But this has "evened me out" to the point where only tiny symptoms of mania/hypomania ever really appear.
This is a bit ho-hum but who cares? Next time will go into the whole reason eye have a new blog anyway, thanks to some assholes who decided to go to the family with the dope issue, resulting in getting a close call with homelessness myself.
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