Christmas break - it had its ups and downs. One of the drivers who had split off from the dealer over being accused of something he didn't do, decided he would start his own business. Because of having a wife and child, he wanted to use our house for storing and packaging. For this, Angel was to get paid, eye was to get 2 per day. The first day he came over, he asked funny things like how to deal with it when it's powder instead of tar, and how much is in a gram. But why would he know? He'd never used, and never been in charge of anything other than delivery. His little business lasted about five days. So after that, for me, it was a cycle of binge and starve, drugs-wise.
Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due. Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests. Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it. But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available. By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed. The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation. Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid. Find a hacker, a new school? But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter. So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income? And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation. It's a relief. And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again. Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well. Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way. It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.
On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day. Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day. Eye decided to try the homeless people. Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day. Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth." He would have done it for a few dollars. M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed. Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card. So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it. No good.
From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview. That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc. He needed someone to do office work for him. Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him. Fucking obnoxious.
Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home. Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive. Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable. So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning. When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep. So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry. So much for getting to stay, after all. However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not. So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis. Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one. He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school. Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here. He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be. He'll change his mind about the temprary thing. He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad. And then change back again. Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here. Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail. And eye will be the one expected to bend and change. HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc. She was most adamant about me leaving. During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet. What a bitch. Oh well.
New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house. At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead. Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID. Stupid. Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about. Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later. Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard. Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down. Angel was here. He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it. New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.
Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair. It's been growing out for a year. Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it. Not so, apparently. But who cares. Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair? Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys. Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone. Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero. Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out? No.
Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back. Basically have to wait around til he feels like it. It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense. Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account. And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine. Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment. The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot. Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with. Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't. And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible. Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks. This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end. Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful. Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.
On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky." Angel and eye laughed at that. It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything... Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Eye've never figured out which one.
Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah. The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible. Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt. If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it? Wishful thinking. Fuck. A week and a half. It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes. Mine or his. Or yours. Not really, it all depends on my "levels." Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...
& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2013
Monday, October 31, 2011
October is for Death
October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine. Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.) He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule. Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him. As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar. As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend. We planned to call each other that weekend.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
EYEing
Over the weekend, discovered through the internet that eye'm not the only person who talks in EYES. These are people eye've never met, so it made me pretty excited.
The test was easy, which is either a good or bad sign. Next will be time to look up articles for classes.
Yesterday, a man on the bus decided to tell me all about the way he looks down upon the "Occupy (City)" movement. The reason strangers love to pick ME to talk to about their views & problems is beyond me. Maybe eye look like eye "care."
Last night, due to leaving the library at a late hour, and a bus just passing right by, not even SEEING me, EYE (emphasized just to be irritating to anyone who thinks such) paid a man $20 to drive me home. Before the bus passed me, an ambulance, blaring its siren, passed by. The sound was offensive at such a disgusting "hour of the day," when stomachs begin to sour, brains start to fizzle, and senses (slightly) begin to assault. (Colors off/more intense in an unpleasant way, loud sounds are startling, and temperature sensitivity.)
Angel... (*rolls Eyes*) decided to be irritating and irritable last night, which was not at all helpful for studying purposes. Attempted sleep about 5 1/2 hours before it was time to get up. He then decided to pull me out of bed to help him fix (apparently for the 5th or so time yesterday) the swamp cooler, about an hour later. This morning, when eye woke him up, he said he wanted to start charging me a bag for every four injections he does for me. This would result in me not having the ability to do extra, at all. Yes, it is annoying to be woken up. However, he is on three opiates, two benzodiazipines, and a muscle relaxer. Eye am on one opiate, pretty much used as "maintenance." Naturally, he rarely has a hard time getting back to sleep. Me? hard to get to sleep, hard to stay asleep, hard to get back to sleep. And it's not like he "does" much of anything. If somehow it was legal for me to go to his doctor appointments for him, he'd probably want me to do that, too. Perhaps eye should come up with a certain amount to charge him for every little task he has me perform.
This weekend was sort of entertaining. To make a long story of thoughts about each little thing condensed a bit...
1. Go to bar, drink.
2. Bartender gives me a free drink at the end of her shift.
3. Angel attempts to pick her up, coaxes me to consider going home with a girl. (eye've only kissed girls before.)
4. She says she's interested but is with friends, would want to mostly be involved with me.
5. He tells me what she said, eye think it's a "nice" way to blow someone off, he said he "picked up on" that she was into it, but scared. (Who's right? Who knows? He's had lots of sexual experience, but isn't a girl who's had to reject men.)
6. He gives up, wants to go to other bar. Funny the way that the one time eye would have actually DONE this, that the situation happened the way that it did. He wants to stop at home to get money. Now, this wouldn't be HIS money since he'd spent it all, & previously had told him that eye don't want to go out because eye can't afford to. To which said he'd pay.
7. He waits for me on corner. Eye pretend to pass out in bathroom when his drunken impatience drove him home. Tell him eye'm "too wobbly" to go back out. (lie)
8. He asks for the phone book to call "adult entertainment services." Insists on getting me laid by a girl. Eye say eye won't pay. He says he'll pay me back. It soon just becomes a series of him prank-calling - talking explicitly about sex, when prostitution isn't legal in this county. He discovers that most of the phone numbers go to just one place (which eye was going to work for at one time - answering the phone), he's told the girls are only allowed to dance, he's told they don't do couples, he's told our neighborhood is "too bad" to come to, he's told to stop calling or they'd call the cops on him. (By the way, the range for a "stripper" to come over is $300-500.)
9. The next day - a girl from one of those places calls him back. He says he isn't interested anymore.
The test was easy, which is either a good or bad sign. Next will be time to look up articles for classes.
Yesterday, a man on the bus decided to tell me all about the way he looks down upon the "Occupy (City)" movement. The reason strangers love to pick ME to talk to about their views & problems is beyond me. Maybe eye look like eye "care."
Last night, due to leaving the library at a late hour, and a bus just passing right by, not even SEEING me, EYE (emphasized just to be irritating to anyone who thinks such) paid a man $20 to drive me home. Before the bus passed me, an ambulance, blaring its siren, passed by. The sound was offensive at such a disgusting "hour of the day," when stomachs begin to sour, brains start to fizzle, and senses (slightly) begin to assault. (Colors off/more intense in an unpleasant way, loud sounds are startling, and temperature sensitivity.)
Angel... (*rolls Eyes*) decided to be irritating and irritable last night, which was not at all helpful for studying purposes. Attempted sleep about 5 1/2 hours before it was time to get up. He then decided to pull me out of bed to help him fix (apparently for the 5th or so time yesterday) the swamp cooler, about an hour later. This morning, when eye woke him up, he said he wanted to start charging me a bag for every four injections he does for me. This would result in me not having the ability to do extra, at all. Yes, it is annoying to be woken up. However, he is on three opiates, two benzodiazipines, and a muscle relaxer. Eye am on one opiate, pretty much used as "maintenance." Naturally, he rarely has a hard time getting back to sleep. Me? hard to get to sleep, hard to stay asleep, hard to get back to sleep. And it's not like he "does" much of anything. If somehow it was legal for me to go to his doctor appointments for him, he'd probably want me to do that, too. Perhaps eye should come up with a certain amount to charge him for every little task he has me perform.
This weekend was sort of entertaining. To make a long story of thoughts about each little thing condensed a bit...
1. Go to bar, drink.
2. Bartender gives me a free drink at the end of her shift.
3. Angel attempts to pick her up, coaxes me to consider going home with a girl. (eye've only kissed girls before.)
4. She says she's interested but is with friends, would want to mostly be involved with me.
5. He tells me what she said, eye think it's a "nice" way to blow someone off, he said he "picked up on" that she was into it, but scared. (Who's right? Who knows? He's had lots of sexual experience, but isn't a girl who's had to reject men.)
6. He gives up, wants to go to other bar. Funny the way that the one time eye would have actually DONE this, that the situation happened the way that it did. He wants to stop at home to get money. Now, this wouldn't be HIS money since he'd spent it all, & previously had told him that eye don't want to go out because eye can't afford to. To which said he'd pay.
7. He waits for me on corner. Eye pretend to pass out in bathroom when his drunken impatience drove him home. Tell him eye'm "too wobbly" to go back out. (lie)
8. He asks for the phone book to call "adult entertainment services." Insists on getting me laid by a girl. Eye say eye won't pay. He says he'll pay me back. It soon just becomes a series of him prank-calling - talking explicitly about sex, when prostitution isn't legal in this county. He discovers that most of the phone numbers go to just one place (which eye was going to work for at one time - answering the phone), he's told the girls are only allowed to dance, he's told they don't do couples, he's told our neighborhood is "too bad" to come to, he's told to stop calling or they'd call the cops on him. (By the way, the range for a "stripper" to come over is $300-500.)
9. The next day - a girl from one of those places calls him back. He says he isn't interested anymore.
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