Forever Reckless

Eye have a cold.  It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed.  It can, however, be dulled.  But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one.  It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early.  Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs.  A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs.  And now, eye can breathe.  For now.  Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore.  Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now.  It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then.  However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same.  While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in.  Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house.  Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.

On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building.  Eye talked him back into rational thinking.  Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him.  It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything.   So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky.  The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating.  He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him.  Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account.  Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back.  Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day.  Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer.  Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself."  This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him.  And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks.  Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row.  We fought horribly in those days, almost every day.  But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted.  Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned.  But, back then, eye only needed one every day.  Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two.  Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point.  The day before, eye got just over one, all day long.  Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that.  That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting.  Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.

It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors.  The eating disorder shit, gone.  Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now.  But nope.  Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore.  Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.

Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin.  Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message."  As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again.  It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others.  Nothing eye can do about it, really.

It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era.  Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat.  Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.

Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend.  It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father.  He is very nervous.  Eye kind of understand.  Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother.  So, that's one factor that makes it different.  However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid.  Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.

Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use.  Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history.  Same old story, people like to confide in me.  Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah."  But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested.  Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing.  Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope?  We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such.  Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score.  So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine.  Such a sucker.  Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out.  One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles.  Well, that wasn't his phone...  He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me.  Eye had no money nor dope to spare.  This time, he was on foot.  Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here.  He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment.  Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing.  If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all.  Too much drama.  Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.

Veins are being assholes.  But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly.  However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am.  Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that.  So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away?  And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over?  (Yep, he's said that more than once.)  So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.  He keeps suggesting to muscle it.  What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs?  No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes.  Get more lumps.  Hit more arteries.  You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.

Ugh, it's getting late.  Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early.  Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning.  Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway.  Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning?  He got over $100 today, but like that matters.  The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got.  Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things?  Eye certainly don't.  However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.

Oh!  He also got some shrooms today.  So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin.  So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon.  When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way.  Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking.  Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him.  Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean.  Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not.  Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.

3:11am - do you know where your junkie is?  Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.

Blasphemy

A few weeks ago (has it been a few weeks?) eye was walking to the bus stop from school and was offered a ride.  Eye accepted. 

The guy asked if it was ok if he stopped somewhere first.  Yeah, go ahead.  He had to drop something for a friend.  Did eye party?  Depends on what.  Of course, the dude is a tweeker.

We stopped at this older guy's apartment.  He broke out a bowl an put some meth in it.  He offered it to me.  Eye said eye'm not sure, eye quit tweeking ten years ago.  Eye'd think about it.  Eye had done it one time in those last ten years, split a bowl with this guy, it was ok.

About the third time he offered, eye accepted.  He held it and lit it for me.  And then it was passed around the three of us.  The guy who'd takn me there started getting a little touchy feely.  But there's no harm in a back massage, it doesn't mean eye have to put out.  And put out for meth of all things?  Bitch, please.

Eye started getting a really bad headache.  They said eye should take a shower, and that it wasn't because the meth was bad because they were fine.  Yeah, of course not, it's just me.  Eye tried running my head under some water.  It only helped briefy, so eye showered.  And then felt better.

The old guy was a crossdresser, so he said eye should try on some clothes for them.  Eye did.  That was pretty fun, and he said that eye could keep this tight flower dress.  Ok, cool.

We smoked more.  Why on earth eye did this after feeling bad the first time, is beyond me.  After a bit, eye started feeling like shit again, migraine.  Took a shower, felt a bit better, laid down and the first guy gave me a massage.  Old guy came in and started messing with my feet.  Uh, no, no - no three way for me, so eye got up before anyone got any ideas.  Well, "got" is not the right word, acted on would be the correct phrase.

Eye started to feel worse.  Eye ended up vomiting a few times, and some girl came over.  The guy who drove me said we should go, and old guy started getting an attitude.  He wanted his dress back, and tried to take it off of me.  Eye slipped into the bathroom and change clothes, gave it back.  We left.

The dude said that the guy had no place getting snippy like that just because he wasn't goin to get laid.  Eye said whatever, it's cool.  He said it isn't.  If a girl doesn't want it, she doesn't want it, no reason to get rude.  He said he'd get the dress back and to call him sometime.  Eye was dropped off.

Eye did some dope, felt mostly better but still not right.  Then had to go back down to the computer lab.

Eye spent the night feeling weird.  This ended up being the second day in which eye was up for most of three days, due to detoxing, then getting stuff but having to deal with making money, going to class, no time to sleep basically.  And for a few days afterward, eye still didn't feel right.  Eye tended to get headaches and feel quite vomitous.  Perhaps a speed allergy now?  Perhaps it's something eye cannot handle anymore.

Meth isn't something that appeals to me, nor something that eye crave or have craved since oh July 2002.  It's up, down, and all around me, but not something eye tend to accept when offered.  Why do it?  M'eye tweek period was quite a low period in life, so depressed, so worn out.  Unless binging, eye think eye sleep less now than eye did back then.  But eye decided to do it, so blasphemous for a dope girl who "came from" psychedelics to do something so useless (useless for me, eye am no productive nor creative tweeker.  What to do on meth?  More meth, of course.)  So now eye know not only is it a shit drug, it's shittier than ever for me.  Eye don't feel like spending days feeling ill, so no thanks.  It's been in my face since, and will be again, and there's no reason to piss off the Dope gods.

October is for Death

October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine.  Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.)  He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule.  Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him.  As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar.  As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend.  We planned to call each other that weekend.

Eye did not hear from him that weekend.  Calls went unanswered.  Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend.  He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment.  JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened.  Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true.  Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave.  We got lost, instead. 

November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend.  He had confirmed the cause of death,  "Meth and lots of E."  M'eye heart dropped.  It was m'eye fault.  In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work.  Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on."  Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight.  Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.

Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB.  In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him.  He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died."  M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose.  This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.

It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains.  Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him. 

October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection.  It was devastating.  Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss.  But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.

October 2, this year, Baby died.  She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard.  She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else.  Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath.  Eye will always regret not having done this.  Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail.  When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away.  She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes.  Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone.  Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me.  Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things.  Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed.  Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.

What's The Difference Between A Tweeker's House & A Heroin Addict's House?

In a heroin addict's house, the bugs are real.

Threes

  It's said that "bad things happen in threes."  A couple of months ago, eye found out that m'eye boy kitty who lived at m'eye mom's had to be put down.  Then Angel found out his good friend died previously this year.  Eye got a fish on m'eye birthday, and it died.  So... that's three, right?  No more deaths, no more deaths, please.  The love of m'eye life with her diminishing & returning health... slowly downward, it seemed, perhaps - eye'd figured some things out, starting to treat her, get her back on a good track.  No fucking memorials to write at next year's Burning Man (eye have one EVERY year eye go.)  WRONG.

  On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor.  Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up.  Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway.  So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel.  Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done?  Baby was under the bed.  Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle.  She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything.  Saw blood on her leg.  "That's coming from her leg, right?  That's not coming from her ass, is it?"  Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.

  He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel.  "It's coming from her ass," he said.  FUCK.  Not more wrong with her.  She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks.  She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever.  She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior.  And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth.  And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection.  She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well.  She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.)  She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off.  This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior.  She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming.  But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me.  She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox.  She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in.  Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes.  Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her.  Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.

  Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl.  Luabelle was on the bed with her.  Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed.  Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry.  Eye petted her and held her paw.  She purred.  Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.

  Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.)  About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.

  When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner.  Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position?  Eye went to go move her legs again.

  She was hard!  Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset.  Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back?  Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"

  "What?"

  "She's dead!"  He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down.  He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it.  Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail.  He asked if eye wanted the whole tail.  No!  Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals.  Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out.  Eye did want to have her cloned.  But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US.  He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her.  Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night.  Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying.  Certainly not studying.  (The next day, the test made NO sense to me.  Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her.  Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her.  But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)

  When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating.  Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days.  Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home.  He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out.  When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful.  Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound.  When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on.  So, eye want to have her cremated.  But eye want the ashes, this time.  Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.

   Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000.  Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him.  She was the best present ever!  She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes.  She was 3-4 months old.  Eye like to think that we had the same birthday.  When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty.  So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much.  So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl.  When he saw her, he said that it was me.

  M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere!  When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike.  Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her.  She purred so much, and licked.  She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers.  But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play!  So kind & gentle.  She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold.  We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.)   She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too.  They had a lot of fun chasing each other around.  One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating.  Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did.  She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too.  She also tried to eat mushroom dust.  She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all.  Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her.  She greeted me when eye came home.  She spent lots of time on m'eye lap.  She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person.  She slept with me every night.

  At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine.  JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him.  But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility.  JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly.  Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations.  Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.)  Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.)  But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there!  The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me!  In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed.  One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night.  When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop.  She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions. 

  After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month.  Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half.  Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle.  M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left!  In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room.  Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.

  Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too.  (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!)  Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens.  Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time.  Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty.  We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine.  We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe.  They all loved each other.  Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her.  They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was.  She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick.  Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.)  A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens!  Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent.  Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught.  Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's.  Marty lost his job while eye was in.  Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.

  After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates.  In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates.  As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time.  Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time.  But eye had been ready to go for so long!  Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out.  Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her.  Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat.  Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant.  The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.)  Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)

  So then it was back to just the two babies.  In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them.  For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her.  But then she accepted them pretty quickly.  Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.)  She was so adaptable.  She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me.  She was all grace, and elegance, and love.

So many regrets.  What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans?  (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that?  And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.)  What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of?  (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.)  Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin.  Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on.  Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state.  Should have taken her to a vet every year.  Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.)  Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades.  Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her.  Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom.  If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?

 She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything.  Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy.  But that's not what happened.  Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early.  School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt.  So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on."  The semester isn't over until mid-December.  So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc.  But eye don't want to "function."  Eye want to break down.  Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.

The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way

This morning - ugh!  Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues.  With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!"  But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place."  Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins."  Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck.  So, yeah.

Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s.  Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words.  That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils,  fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high.  Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves.  Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.

Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants.  She looked... professional.  It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way.  And that's from an addict point-of-view.  So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder."  Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.

Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...

In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs."  (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.)  Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using.  Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me.  A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother...  Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.)  When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test.  Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did.  She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin.  Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.

Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me.  A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now.  Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was.  Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me.  He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom.  Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else.  Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true.  He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?"  Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me.  Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?"  "I don't know you anymore."  "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.)  M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about.  So eye asked when eye could prove myself.  She said she didn't know.  Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now."  At first, eye FREAKED.  But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night.  Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker.  This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up."  Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin.  Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.

The passing of the drug test was imperative.   After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.)  This year, he's done it more than ever.  Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away.  Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away.  (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.)  Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming.  Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there!  Angel said not to say anything.  Eye'm glad eye didn't.  The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister?  Eye said no.  After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him.  Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats.  She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful.  Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful.  Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans.  She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well. 

After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid.  NOT SO.  Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn."  M'eye turn to what?  Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life?  (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows.  Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.)  Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.)  The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are.  Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it.  She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all.  If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan.  (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons:  any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."

Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit.  Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up!  Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time.  During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed.  Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this.  And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway.  What life was left for me?  And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.)  The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting.  (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)

Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened.  It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about.  In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview.  Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with.  (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)

What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming.  In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.)  After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.)  Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it.  And eye lied.  She threatened to drug test me, but never did.  (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.)  And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing?  NO!  It just pissed people off.  Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it.  And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time?  NO!  It.Just.Pissed.People.Off.  And ruined friendships.  Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen.  Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything.  Not so.  And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.