On Friday the 13th, after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially (highly likely) never-ending fiasco of shooting up, then attending to it, then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television, eye decided to check the phone. It was blowing up with "Inbox Full, Delete Messages." (Yes, quite old style of phone. No hipster shit here, m'eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real.) After sorting through them and returning phone calls, eye found out that m'eye ex best friend from back "home" (if it can be called such, eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that, and even m'eye connection to where eye spent m'eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving) Marty had died that day.
There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking. But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday. Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things. But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother. She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying. He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more. M'eye aunt does the same thing. Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story. But that was all eye expected.
So many conversations. So many people crying. No tears from me, asshole as eye may be. Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.) We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better. She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died. Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.) It was a little over a month before he'd be 28. But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously? On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day. He didn't. Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing. "That's dumb." It is dumb. He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple? He was in his second year of college. But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen. The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly. A bit empty. A bit offended. Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away. Maybe some regret? He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text. Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.) Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become. The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him. And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.
Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it. Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight. She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance." Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time. Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up. Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing. It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to? Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they. Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..." Don't think so. And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever. If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.
It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon." (Oh and eye was! 45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60. Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!" (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper? Oh - dinglehopper!" A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid. He took a picture too.)
It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common. But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened. And hadn't happened in a long time. But then again, maybe it isn't so weird. After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence. Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.
If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything. If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.
It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot. Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive. Like eye'm supposed to die too. Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence. Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone. And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart. With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why. There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small." But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself. But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.
It doesn't seem fair, but why would it? With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate. Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone. No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible. Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type. He wasn't, he was just lucky. The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.
No need to dwell, though. People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything? No. Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone. Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time. So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares? Create or destroy, do both, do neither. Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive." Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.
Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side. JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways. Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both. Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know. To everyone you know. You either accept it and move on, or you don't.
Showing posts with label eating disorders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorders. Show all posts
Monday, September 23, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Forever Reckless
Eye have a cold. It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed. It can, however, be dulled. But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one. It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early. Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs. A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs. And now, eye can breathe. For now. Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore. Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now. It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then. However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same. While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in. Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house. Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.
On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building. Eye talked him back into rational thinking. Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him. It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything. So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky. The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating. He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him. Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account. Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back. Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer. Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself." This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him. And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks. Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row. We fought horribly in those days, almost every day. But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted. Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned. But, back then, eye only needed one every day. Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two. Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point. The day before, eye got just over one, all day long. Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that. That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting. Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.
It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors. The eating disorder shit, gone. Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now. But nope. Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore. Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.
Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin. Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message." As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again. It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others. Nothing eye can do about it, really.
It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era. Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat. Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.
Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend. It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father. He is very nervous. Eye kind of understand. Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother. So, that's one factor that makes it different. However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid. Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.
Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use. Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history. Same old story, people like to confide in me. Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah." But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested. Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing. Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope? We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such. Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score. So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine. Such a sucker. Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out. One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles. Well, that wasn't his phone... He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me. Eye had no money nor dope to spare. This time, he was on foot. Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here. He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment. Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing. If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all. Too much drama. Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.
Veins are being assholes. But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly. However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am. Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that. So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away? And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over? (Yep, he's said that more than once.) So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. He keeps suggesting to muscle it. What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs? No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes. Get more lumps. Hit more arteries. You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.
Ugh, it's getting late. Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early. Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning. Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway. Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning? He got over $100 today, but like that matters. The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got. Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things? Eye certainly don't. However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.
Oh! He also got some shrooms today. So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin. So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon. When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way. Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking. Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him. Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean. Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not. Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.
3:11am - do you know where your junkie is? Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.
On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building. Eye talked him back into rational thinking. Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him. It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything. So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky. The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating. He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him. Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account. Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back. Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer. Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself." This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him. And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks. Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row. We fought horribly in those days, almost every day. But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted. Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned. But, back then, eye only needed one every day. Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two. Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point. The day before, eye got just over one, all day long. Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that. That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting. Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.
It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors. The eating disorder shit, gone. Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now. But nope. Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore. Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.
Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin. Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message." As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again. It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others. Nothing eye can do about it, really.
It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era. Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat. Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.
Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend. It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father. He is very nervous. Eye kind of understand. Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother. So, that's one factor that makes it different. However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid. Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.
Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use. Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history. Same old story, people like to confide in me. Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah." But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested. Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing. Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope? We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such. Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score. So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine. Such a sucker. Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out. One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles. Well, that wasn't his phone... He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me. Eye had no money nor dope to spare. This time, he was on foot. Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here. He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment. Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing. If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all. Too much drama. Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.
Veins are being assholes. But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly. However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am. Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that. So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away? And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over? (Yep, he's said that more than once.) So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. He keeps suggesting to muscle it. What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs? No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes. Get more lumps. Hit more arteries. You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.
Ugh, it's getting late. Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early. Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning. Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway. Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning? He got over $100 today, but like that matters. The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got. Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things? Eye certainly don't. However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.
Oh! He also got some shrooms today. So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin. So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon. When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way. Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking. Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him. Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean. Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not. Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.
3:11am - do you know where your junkie is? Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
"Fake Life"
Marty & eye used to tell each other what went on during our day in "fake life." This is basically one's imagination, and sometimes it's made of the ideals of what a person WANTS to happen, it could be the imagined "worse case scenerio," or it could just be letting one's mind run away with itself, and the result of that.
Being in m'eye late 20s & looking back, ugh! At 18, eye imagined that by now, eye'd be famous & touring with albums and what not. Eye seriously imagined that eye'd start off by singing in coffee shops within a year of that with a guitar (which ended up having to be sold to make rent that year when a telemarketing job screwed me out of a paycheck.) Eye'd been writing songs since eye was a little kid. However, it's very easy to start songs, harder to complete them. Eye have a notebook of partial lyrics. Eye know how the instrumental parts sound, inside, but have actually written out very little of the sheet music.
A few years later, eye got ahold of a keyboard and started practicing piano again. When eye moved in with Marty, we were going to make music together! Well, he ended up making a lot. But eye became much more focused on weight than anything else, anorexia/bulemia (probably at that point would have been considered "purging type anorexia") totally encompassed me. There was room for little else. Eye still imagined that "soon," eye would be making progress toward the dream. Lost a job, went to smuggle illegal immigrants, went to prison, everything in the house disappeared or was thrown out during m'eye abscense (either from being stolen by squatters, or thrown out by maintenance later on. Marty also lost his job and left the house about a week after the power was shut off.) We only ever had made ONE song together, toward the beginning of us living together.
After prison, eye had to "keep the house together," mostly paying for it alone, due to a cast of unreliable rotating roommates. Naturally, there wasn't extra money to go toward an instrument, or lessons.
Then, moved here. Short term jobs, on and off. Drug addiction. But, when eye finally take this job that Melody suggested, after the computer gets fixed, eye will have money. Eye'm getting much too old, don't people start getting noticed in their early twenties, and they have been "out there" exposing themselves since high school for it to happen in the first place. Time is running out. But "soon" it's all going to change. The road has ALWAYS been "about to begin" in the near future.
In fake life, eye am thin again. In fake life, those songs are complete. In fake life, eye have a few albums out and am on tour right now. Eye have seen the world and there is so much more to write about. In fake life, eye have been able to fix a couple of cosmetic issues that make me uncomfortable. In fake life, eye own cars and beautiful houses. In fake life, when the tour's over, eye am going to go to see Marty and bring him some new obscure psychedelic eye have obtained, just like we always imagined it would be. In fake life, this song's for you...
Being in m'eye late 20s & looking back, ugh! At 18, eye imagined that by now, eye'd be famous & touring with albums and what not. Eye seriously imagined that eye'd start off by singing in coffee shops within a year of that with a guitar (which ended up having to be sold to make rent that year when a telemarketing job screwed me out of a paycheck.) Eye'd been writing songs since eye was a little kid. However, it's very easy to start songs, harder to complete them. Eye have a notebook of partial lyrics. Eye know how the instrumental parts sound, inside, but have actually written out very little of the sheet music.
A few years later, eye got ahold of a keyboard and started practicing piano again. When eye moved in with Marty, we were going to make music together! Well, he ended up making a lot. But eye became much more focused on weight than anything else, anorexia/bulemia (probably at that point would have been considered "purging type anorexia") totally encompassed me. There was room for little else. Eye still imagined that "soon," eye would be making progress toward the dream. Lost a job, went to smuggle illegal immigrants, went to prison, everything in the house disappeared or was thrown out during m'eye abscense (either from being stolen by squatters, or thrown out by maintenance later on. Marty also lost his job and left the house about a week after the power was shut off.) We only ever had made ONE song together, toward the beginning of us living together.
After prison, eye had to "keep the house together," mostly paying for it alone, due to a cast of unreliable rotating roommates. Naturally, there wasn't extra money to go toward an instrument, or lessons.
Then, moved here. Short term jobs, on and off. Drug addiction. But, when eye finally take this job that Melody suggested, after the computer gets fixed, eye will have money. Eye'm getting much too old, don't people start getting noticed in their early twenties, and they have been "out there" exposing themselves since high school for it to happen in the first place. Time is running out. But "soon" it's all going to change. The road has ALWAYS been "about to begin" in the near future.
In fake life, eye am thin again. In fake life, those songs are complete. In fake life, eye have a few albums out and am on tour right now. Eye have seen the world and there is so much more to write about. In fake life, eye have been able to fix a couple of cosmetic issues that make me uncomfortable. In fake life, eye own cars and beautiful houses. In fake life, when the tour's over, eye am going to go to see Marty and bring him some new obscure psychedelic eye have obtained, just like we always imagined it would be. In fake life, this song's for you...
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Love & Addiction, Paired
People say that love is like an addiction. Eye suppose so!
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
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