The Tango Maureen aka The Adventures of Captain Save a Ho

One afternoon in January, when we were working on "winter cleaning" we heard a knock at the door.  There was a small, thin, nondescript, nice looking girl at the door.  Eye told Angel about it, and he said to let her in.  Her name was Maureen. She told us that Marcel had sent her over, looking for me, telling her that Angel doesn't let him see me.  He laughed and said it wasn't like that, he's more concerned with letting scum in the house than who sees me.  She told us that he had her steal some Pantene from the store, to sell to some lady, but That wasn't working out.  He told her that there was an alternative, come see me, "she always breaks off for me."  This wasn't true, eye'd helped him on a whim a month or so before.  The next time he came looking for me, eye had nothing to spare, and led him away from the house.  Angel proposed that he could help her with a bag, if she would clean the house.  She worked very hard, in between little smoking breaks and making small talk.  She said she was a "dancer" (meaning stripper.)  She seemed nice.  He told her to come back the following day.

The next day, Eric, one of Angel's pill clients, came over to help clean.  She also showed up.  They spent quite a bit of time talking in the back room.  Eric said he didn't trust her, never trust dancers, they're always about the money.  Once again, Angel brought up the whole thing about Marcel and not wanting him to see me.  "We haven't even been together in five years."  News to me, boy.  He felt the need to bring it up again at another point.  She talked to us about wanting to get away from all these people, who were up in her apartment, relying on her every day, her "friends."  She said she didn't want any friends, and was looking for something new.  Her boyfriend was away in jail, possibly to be deported.  He had previously "kept her" from people like this, but now without protection, everyone was out to get her.  Angel proposed the possibility of moving in.  He discussed it with me that night, asked if we can trust her.  Eye said that she seemed fine to me.  Why not .  Maybe she could have a spot on the couch or we could rotate rooms.

She ended up coming over more and more.  He offered her food.  She scarfed it down like she had not eaten in a while.  She probably hadn't.  As her presence became more pronounced, eye noticed that she was getting more and more touchy feely with Angel.  And why not?  Apparently we broke up five years ago.  It irritated me to no end, snuggling, laying on each other, hearing little smooches, her starting to stay nights in his room.  Now, why doesn't she move in to the back room with him?  Excuse me?

She disappeared   He was unable to reach her by phone.  He was mostly worried, and partially suspicious.  She ended up calling him back after being gone for a week, with some bullshit story about this and that, and now she'd just gotten ripped off across town.  Can she come by?  Yeah, but he wants to talk to her.  He told me it sounded like a bunch of crap.  Of course.  But by the time she was here, he had softened to her, was all sweet and nice, told me to grab stuff at the store so he could talk to her.  When eye came back, everything seemed great between them.  He told me that the way she told the story to him, it sounded legitimate.  Whatever dude.  She's using you, enjoy that.  But oh no, he didn't think so.

He told me that no one had cared for him in a long time, and he "needs this."  So, eye've just been putting up with your crap all for fun, apparently.  Eye don't give a shit, that's why eye spend so much time on doing stuff for you.  Nice.  Eye guess he liked the fake attention, the pretending to be interested in things, the overly affectionate bullshit, the "baby, baby, baby" crap.

Eventually, he noticed how upset eye was regarding her.  He asked me why, and he didn't understand.  Eye told him eye'd rather they just fuck then get all googly over each other.

She'd stay a couple days, she'd disappear a week.  He would hate her more as time progressed, then as soon as she was back, he seemed head over heels all over again.

After a few disappearances, he wanted me to go seek her out in her apartments.  Eye pretended to go, on a day eye went and got a haircut, clothes, etc instead.  The next night, he went down to search for himself, the way he should.  How offensive to ask me to go seek out a girl he's enamored with, and who at the same time is using him for drugs?  No fucking way.  He found out that the apartment he'd walked her to but she hadn't allowed him unto - was trashed and she'd actually been evicted from.  She'd been fired for theft.  She was basically bouncing apartment to apartment between guys.  There were a few apartments she wasn't allowed into.

So he came back and told me about all of it.  He was furious.  But then she came back.  He's forgive her if she just admitted she'd lied and stopped.  She tried to explain away all the shit.  It seemed to work.  He told me, so many times, that she was a girl in trouble, a girl who could be stable if she was just in the right environment.  Eye told him that she didn't want to change, and it wasn't just the people she was around.  We had another discussion about "jealousy."  He understood better and appreciated it when he knew that her treatment of him was a big factor in m'eye distaste.  The conversation lead to an official breakup.  He'd said well took you long enough to notice.  Oh balls in your face, he's brought up things back and forth for years, but then he changes his mind, things he says, ways he acts, things that people don't do if they are not together.  He would still do and say things he shouldn't after the conversation, but it toned way down.

She kept doing this back and forth shit.  She started getting way obvious.  One night, on of her men came to get her.  He'd called a few hours prior, she told him that she needed some drugs and to take a shower before coming back.  The phone call had woken her up from a nod.  After the call, she smoked more, and then fell into her usual stance - head flat in lap, like she was trying to eat herself out.  Eye started calling this move her "butt exercises."  Angel got a kick out of it.  Anyway, after the few hours had passed, he called again.  She was asleep in the back bedroom.  Then she started screaming at him, because he was already here.  She went out front and yelled and cried and begged him to give her some money for the drugs that she "still hasn't done yet."  When that didn't work, she went in the back and tried the same game with Angel.  He wasn't having it, and she stormed off.

In subsequent visits, he would pull me aside to complain about her.  But that didn't make him act any different TOWARD her.  She still ate more than we could provide.  She'd still tell him that the drugs he gave her "wasn't enough" and sometimes, he'd come ask to borrow off of me for her sake.  Also, he wanted me to "act nice toward her."  Guess she finally figured out eye didn't like her, and eye guess it bothers most people when they are not liked.  She still pitched fits and disappeared.  But oh - HE had the upper hand now!  he'd come up with a debt she owed him, and she was always "about to pay him back."  he was always "about to start getting stuff of of her."  Eye didn't understand his delusion.

One day, when he was away at a doctor's appointment, eye had to stay alone in the house with her.  She told me about how she's so happy we've been so cool to her, she's about to start working again, and then, "I'll be buying drugs for you guys."  Nice to hear, but it doesn't make it true.  Twenty dollars went missing out of m'eye wallet that day.  But, oh, it wasn't her.  "Search me," as she was pulling out her own pockets, etc.  Mmmhmm.

Eye guess he allowed himself to buy into the crap about her going back to work.  She'd talk about going, but when it came time, she was nodded out.  Finally, she'd get up to take a shower.  However, she needed a smoke before going in, a smoke as she got ready for the shower, a smoke right before getting in ,a smoke after, a smoke while she got dressed.  And of course, she'd nod out plenty.  By the time she was done, it was too late to go.

One afternoon, she came into the living room to make a phone call.  She was begging one of her hangers-on for drugs, seeing if he had any.  When that conversation went nowhere, she went back to Angel to complain about the guy.  When he told her his opinion, she said that, "I never asked for your two cents."  She asked for drugs, when could she get some drugs.  He asked when is she giving him money, when is she paying him back.  When is he going to get laid, why should he put out for getting nothing back?  They argued back and forth, she used words like "delusional" etc.  While true, it wasn't the case in reference to what she was saying.  She was referring to them fucking, something about "I never said I wanted to fuck you."  Well, it isn't like it never happened, eye've seen proof of such on video (tasteful, eh?)  Eye listened to their argument, occasionally piping in, and eventually moving to the hallway to watch them argue.  Next, they started fighting over her suitcase, he said that he was keeping it for collateral   They went back and forth, pulling on it, until she lunged at him.  He grabbed her and threw her on the bed, with his hand back.  Eye wanted to hit her, to prevent him from doing so (not that eye hadn't wanted to clock her for a long time.)  He let her up.  Then they started struggling over the suitcase again.  She said that she'd have "all these mother fuckers up here after you if you don't give it back."  He said, "And I have a bullet for every single one of them, with a couple left over for you."  She eventually grabbed it with such a force that she and the suitcase fell to the ground, right at my feet.  He said, "Now!  Do it do it do it!"  Eye punched her in the face three times.

She sat there for a second, the got up and ran out of the house, with a phone in her hand.  Angel said she had my phone, tried to chase her down, but she got out of the yard.  Eye yelled back at him, "it's YOUR phone!"  She screamed down the street, "HELP ME!"  into the phone at Ramon, one of the hangers-on with whom she had spoken earlier.  She then called the police.  Ramon came and sat with her and waited.  Eye went up to her, "Phone please."  She said, "Suitcase, please."  Eye rolled m'eye eyes and went back inside.

Angel had me throw most of her stuff outside, and hid her suitcase in our neighbor's shed.  The police came, talked to both sides.  Angel came across like he had been victimized by one of the local drug addict girls, the cops said, "You can't let someone you don't know into your house like that."  They asked if anything else of hers was here, eye brought out her purse from the bathroom, which had paraphernalia in it.  Angel asked to look through to see if she'd stolen anything.  He raised his eyebrows after looking in an Altoids container, and set it aside.  They asked if it had Altoids, he said no.  After that, they brought back the purse to her, but didn't give her any shit over the foil etc.  She wouldn't let up about the suitcase, so they kept pushing about it.  Eventually, they brought up that eye had a hitchhiking warrant (really panhandling from a couple of summers ago, but they come up under the same charge.)  After m'eye eyes went big, the looked around outside and questioned the neighbor, who admitted where it was.  The police came back with a lecture, and everyone left.

After she left, he told me that when he had her on the bed, he had whispered some graphically violent shit to her.  He also said that he hadn't had time to tell me and so briefly forgot, that when she ran from the house, she had a ark stain in her jeans.  Eye don't know if it was his threat, rough treatment, or getting punched that did it to her.

Since all that ended, the entire two months or so fiasco, we have gotten along better.  We have not directly heard from Maureen, but we have gotten strange phone calls of background noises, and food deliveries we did not order.  Eye've seen her in passing the corner convenience store a couple of times, and it just makes me smirk.  We have also had one of her friends call looking for drugs.  Her friend, however, is a tweeker.  So Angel won't do it, knowing it's really for Maureen, and he hopes that she is suffering.

For a while, he was going really crazy with it all, wanting to throw bricks through windows of apartments where she stays, wanted to set a car on fire - the car of a homeless crackhead who sometimes drives her places.  He kept talking about it, trying to get some of the drivers to do it with him.  They kept putting it off, which is good, because why get a sentence over the dumb bitch?  It's bad enough she went through all the money he'd gotten for Christmas, and he's been behind ever since - behind enough to sometimes drain on me  even more...  Eye don't like that effects of her have lingered.  Eye went broke as well, all the nights she was here, eye felt the need to be obliterated.  Every mention of her, eye felt compelled to go shoot up.  Once again in this position, but for reasons eye never fathomed.  He got laid a couple of times by some girls, got over it.  Hopefully, this experience sticks in his mind, any time that he feels that some plain looking girl is pretty, that she's worth helping, that sudden affection and sucking up from a random young girl is something real, and instead take it for what it really is.  And if somehow it happens again, hopefully eye will walk out the door.

Forever Reckless

Eye have a cold.  It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed.  It can, however, be dulled.  But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one.  It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early.  Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs.  A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs.  And now, eye can breathe.  For now.  Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore.  Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now.  It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then.  However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same.  While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in.  Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house.  Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.

On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building.  Eye talked him back into rational thinking.  Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him.  It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything.   So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky.  The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating.  He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him.  Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account.  Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back.  Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day.  Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer.  Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself."  This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him.  And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks.  Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row.  We fought horribly in those days, almost every day.  But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted.  Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned.  But, back then, eye only needed one every day.  Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two.  Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point.  The day before, eye got just over one, all day long.  Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that.  That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting.  Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.

It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors.  The eating disorder shit, gone.  Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now.  But nope.  Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore.  Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.

Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin.  Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message."  As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again.  It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others.  Nothing eye can do about it, really.

It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era.  Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat.  Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.

Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend.  It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father.  He is very nervous.  Eye kind of understand.  Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother.  So, that's one factor that makes it different.  However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid.  Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.

Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use.  Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history.  Same old story, people like to confide in me.  Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah."  But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested.  Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing.  Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope?  We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such.  Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score.  So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine.  Such a sucker.  Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out.  One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles.  Well, that wasn't his phone...  He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me.  Eye had no money nor dope to spare.  This time, he was on foot.  Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here.  He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment.  Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing.  If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all.  Too much drama.  Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.

Veins are being assholes.  But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly.  However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am.  Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that.  So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away?  And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over?  (Yep, he's said that more than once.)  So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.  He keeps suggesting to muscle it.  What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs?  No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes.  Get more lumps.  Hit more arteries.  You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.

Ugh, it's getting late.  Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early.  Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning.  Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway.  Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning?  He got over $100 today, but like that matters.  The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got.  Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things?  Eye certainly don't.  However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.

Oh!  He also got some shrooms today.  So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin.  So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon.  When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way.  Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking.  Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him.  Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean.  Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not.  Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.

3:11am - do you know where your junkie is?  Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.

May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Christmas break - it had its ups and downs.  One of the drivers who had split off from the dealer over being accused of something he didn't do, decided he would start his own business.  Because of having a wife and child, he wanted to use our house for storing and packaging.  For this, Angel was to get paid, eye was to get 2 per day.  The first day he came over, he asked funny things like how to deal with it when it's powder instead of tar, and how much is in a gram.  But why would he know?  He'd never used, and never been in charge of anything other than delivery.  His little business lasted about five days.  So after that, for me, it was a cycle of binge and starve, drugs-wise.

Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due.  Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests.  Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it.  But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available.  By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed.  The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation.  Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid.  Find a hacker, a new school?  But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter.  So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income?  And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation.  It's a relief.  And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again.  Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well.  Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way.  It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.

On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day.  Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day.  Eye decided to try the homeless people.  Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day.  Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth."  He would have done it for a few dollars.  M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed.  Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card.  So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it.  No good.

From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview.  That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc.  He needed someone to do office work for him.  Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him.  Fucking obnoxious.

Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home.  Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive.  Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable.  So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning.  When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep.  So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry.  So much for getting to stay, after all.  However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not.  So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis.  Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one.  He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school.  Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here.  He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be.  He'll change his mind about the temprary thing.  He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad.  And then change back again.  Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here.  Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail.  And eye will be the one expected to bend and change.  HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc.  She was most adamant about me leaving.  During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet.  What a bitch.  Oh well.

New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house.  At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead.  Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID.  Stupid.  Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about.  Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later.  Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard.  Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down.  Angel was here.  He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it.  New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.

Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair.  It's been growing out for a year.  Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it.  Not so, apparently.  But who cares.  Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair?  Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys.  Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone.  Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero.  Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out?  No.

Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back.  Basically have to wait around til he feels like it.  It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense.  Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account.  And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine.  Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment.  The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot.  Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with.  Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't.  And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible.  Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks.  This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end.  Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful.  Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.

On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky."  Angel and eye laughed at that.  It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything...  Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world.  Eye've never figured out which one. 

Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah.  The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible.  Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt.  If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it?  Wishful thinking.  Fuck.  A week and a half.  It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes.  Mine or his.  Or yours.  Not really, it all depends on my "levels."  Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...

& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

Change Your Taste In. Men

So... eye stole 50.. sometime around the end of October?  He owed me 50, said he couldn't pay me anything, right before getting 400, which he knew about.  (Angel)  And so, he said he's throwing me out.  Leave by January, and he keeps m'eye January money order already made out to the landlord.  And wants to keep my washer and dryer.  Supposedly eye should owe him for messing up his computer, the free computer he got from his mom, which eye already put money toward fixing.  Which he prob recharged me for multiple times.  His mom bought him another.  And for the deposit on the house, which eye paid by the way.  And to clean up the house, which he admitted he's having one of his pill clients do for him (while intoxicated he admitted this.)  Some POS who always borrows from him, and now he'll rarely do shit for me, even if eye'm about to get cash.  A bottom of the barrel worst choice to move in, but better than eye am eye suppose.  (ha can't wait, within two months bet his pills will get stolen.)   Poor baby needs to make the house nice to attract a decent tenant, and he's getting thousands of dollars for Christmas?  Come on.  And he's gotten meaner and meaner.  And every deal we do make, he forgets, then accuses me of trying to fuck him over, while eye get screwed.  And sometimes he yells at me to leave within x amount of time, nice one, you already said that, how would it be a threat anymore?  He's "decided" this and gone back on it so many times during our time together, either eye need to go or he's about to.  Fuck eye wish people would say what they mean. 

And so, eye've been seeing people, guys.  Not a many as one may think, but seeing them nonetheless.  Why not?  First off, we never agreed to be monogamous.  Though HE has not acted on that, as of yet.  Secondly, he's trying to say we haven't "really" been together in years (odd bc of some possessive shit he said back in June, and other stuff he's said, ways he's been since.)  So funny, he says he wants to stay friends.  Eye say, you'll never hear from me again.  If he truly considers us just friends, and treats me like this, why on earth would eye want to be around, especially when truly getting nothing out of it, and still likely expected to run errands, etc.  Who needs enemies with friends like this, etc.

And these people, these situations, in which one would expect to feel used, objectified - eye feel more cared for, attended to, liked, appreciated, and treated SO much better than someone who's supposed to love me, who supposedly still cares so deeply and more than he should?  What the hell?

So much more beneficial.  In so many ways.

The other night, there was some BS about him wanting me to buy from him, something he got for free, rather than him calling for me.  Eye told him it was unfair, and then said fine, eye'll do it.  Then he was on the phone, eye asked who he was calling.  NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!  Told him, if he was calling, not to because eye'd already taken his offer, was making a shot.  He called anyway, then asked where the shit went, give it back, etc.  Told him eye'd told him twice, guess he tuned me out.  He said eye never said shit.  Raised his fist back and took a step toward me.  "Don't you dare, don't you FUCKING dare!"  He sat down and bitched.  Another time he was going to hit me, quite eye threatened calling the cops.  Every once in a while, he asks how can he trust ME after that shit?  Again, what the hell?

He can go ahead and try to convinve my dad to let him keep the washer and dryer, after that they'll hear about every threat and every little incident.  See whose side they are on then.  See how much they really think he's been "taking care of me" then.

There are various reasons eye'm upset about this, and a big one is it ruins plans, basically eye had a guaranteed existence with him, one that had to be waited for, but still something to fall back on.  And for all the years people told me to leave, all the shit he's pulled, why is HE the one to decide things?

Never trust a guy with two names.

He's about to leave to his mom's for the holidays, and for once is trying to do something nice for me, so of course that isn't working out.  Whatever.  Who knows what he'll return to?  Eye am feeling very rash and very, very done.  At the very least, eye want to move out without saying a word.  After all, after dealing with his mom and not having to deal with me for a while, and thinking about shit, he'll probably change his mind...

So say what the fuck you mean, for once.

A Post-Whore Kind of Day

The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password?  AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense?  Come on.

The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein.  Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems.  And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?

Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month.  It was not a request for assistance.  It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing.  It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are.  But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%.  So stupid to say, but it happend.

Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards.  So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet?  And then, it turns again.  How fucking confusing.

Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning.  How damn boring.  Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.

Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone.  Minimally, but at least at all.  He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me.  But that all depends on what happens, or what does not.  Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.

Squalor

Ugh, the morning.  It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out.  Read, and look.  Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing.  Wait.  Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road.  As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is.  Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late.  But how long will that be?  Put something, somewhere.  Put practically nothing, anywhere.  And now, eye feel practically the same.

Last night was useless.  Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled.  Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean.  It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters.  Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.

And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others.  The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience.  Potentially vomiting on other people.  Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...

The house, it looks like shit.  Eye can't bring myself to care.  Eye can't bring myself to care about much.  What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable?  They become either nothing, or even more attractive.  Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January.  It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons.  But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about.  An entire life and plan just sucked away.  So screw all that.

So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend?  Yeah fucking right.

And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result.  Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other.  But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of?  But how to get to it in the first place?  It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not.  Plan B goes to shit?  Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.

It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing.  The whole effects of any of it thing.  Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it.  quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same.  "Just drugs," oh -so sure.  me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this.  And many times, worse.  Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up.  This is me, having given up.  He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas?  That's his biggest concern?  Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.

Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing.  To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.

Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight.  And it's the only concept that keeps me going.  Short or long road - all so very circumstancial.  Although short is so very glamourous to me right now.  Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?

No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody.  Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done.  Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable.  And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way. 

Etc, so on, and so forth.  Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.

Nothing Hurts Like Your Mouth

Last semester, eye ended up with mostly B's.  But eye failed Spanish, which is really to be expected, considering that on test days, eye would be studying before class, then feel "not ready" so eye wouldn't even go.  Eye had to pay for the class over the summer, joy of joys.  But at least was prepared, eye suppose.

This summer was a dance of working and not working and trying to survive, some times were easier than others.  But there were huge issues regardless of whether finances were stable.  For starters, eye was open with Angel regarding something that maybe eye should have never said.  He said he appreciated me being honest.  He said that it was better.  But, it often seemed that it wasn't.  His mouth said it was, his principles say that it was.  But the way that he was on edge, the way that any other issue was magnified, it seems that as much as he wanted to hold onto that belief, he did not feel that knowledge was better.

In addition to that, there were a couple of times eye needed to call m'eye dad for rent, didn't, and claimed that eye did, while eye worked on getting the money myself.  Eye never was able to get quite enough, and he found out.  There were quite a few gems that came out of his mouth over the summer, and the first time he found out that eye lied regarding that, was the first time he spoke words to me that stuck.. which of course he denied even saying later on.  Upon bringing that up, eye also brought up much of what eye've been holding in for years.  His reaction was, "Well this isn't going to work, then."  No offers of changing anything, no apologies, nothing of the sort, when his complaints are expected to be met with me modifying my behavior, or at least some kind of compromise.

Another thing that happened was he went on this "clean" kick.  He has medication, so it's not like he's going to go sick because of it.  This caused unbelievable strain on everything.  It didn't matter to him that eye don't buy all that often, or if eye'm doing it in the other room, if eye don't bring up the subject, or that eye don't sit there nodding out in front of him.  Eye didn't encourage him to use.  None of that mattered.  He was staying off of it just fine, but just knowing eye do it stressed him out.

Also, any time eye don't have income, every little thing becomes a huge deal.  To use a cliche, all of this was "a recipe for disaster."  So many times, he told me eye needed to leave, eye needed to find somewhere else to live.  He's said things like that before, although usually he says that he's the one leaving, and it's a reaction to something, and he's done feeling that way within a few days.  Typically when that happens, eye act as sweet as can be, and do all these little things for him, keep the house clean even though eye'm not typically the one making messes and am busy, all to get on his good side and it fixes everything.  This time, it pretty much didn't work.  Every once in a while, he'd talk about how he sees us together for a long time, or we can figure it out.  But later he'd deny saying anything like that.  One time he said that he never said he changed his mind and that eye could stay - even though eye never said that he had mentioned it at all!  It's silly to deny things that you aren't being accused of.

It gets exhausting to be the only one who changes anything, to have to bend and bend even in times of not being "in the wrong."  One night, eye brought up all these things regarding what he does wrong, all the ways that he's being unfair.  And out pops another gold nugget from his mouth.  "If you say one more word to me, you WILL be hurting."  Lovely.

That was in mid- August, which was around the time he found out eye hadn't called my dad, which also happened toward the beginning of June.  A couple of days later, when eye verified eye'd be getting my school money, eye printed it out for him.  And at this point, eye wasn't going to bother being nice of trying to get on his good side.  Eye didn't even care about... future plans regarding him.  Eye threw the paper on his coffee table and said how this took care of bills and rent through June.  "But if you want me to leave, so be it."  And this was when he finally changed his tune, when eye didn't give a shit anymore.  Funny how that happens.

So now it's back to the school routine, and there have been way too many lazy days, which eye'm fixing now.  There have been too many days of overindulgence as well, deciding to go have a shot 4-6 times in a day instead of 2-3.  Now that eye've stopped that - of course eye'm having difficulties with it not even kicking in, and so at least once a day, eye'll have a "do-over."  That seems to defeat the whole purpose of cutting down the number of times eye do it.  Also what seems to be requisite in my shooting experience lately is hitting an artery at least every couple of days.  Tons of fun!

Getting older it seems, instead of making me despise myself, it just gives me even more younger people with whom to get very irritated for acting like "stupid kids."

Love & Addiction, Paired

People say that love is like an addiction.  Eye suppose so!

Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction.  This isn't necessarily true.   What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together.  M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia.  Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually.  Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense.  You see the worst sides of each other.  You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life."  It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.

It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners.  However, this time eye've come the closest.  Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it."  Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love."  It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions"  To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less.  Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.)  Nothing in the middle.  A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on. 

Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch.  (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.)  However, we started seeing each other.  Eye invited him to live in m'eye room.  Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.)  It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off.  Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved.  He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.)  Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.

When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not.  After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever.  (It lasted 3 months.)  At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger.  Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together...  Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship."  The excitement of finding a new obsession.  It seemed like we had so much in common.  Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend.  This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him.  However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away.  But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior.  Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me.  But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.)  Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some.  (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.)  Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move.  He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him.  (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")

We moved to Las Vegas.  Eye became pretty lonely.  And far as being similar?  Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface."  Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty.  Eye felt that would have been better.  Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to. 

Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money.  At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone.  But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter.  But who cared?  It gave me something to latch on to.  It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job.  It was a new identity.

If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me.  At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day.  Oh!  the manipulation eye had to go through to get that.  With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that.  Eye couldn't just ask  or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call...  So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.

Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money.  But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me.  When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it.  But, eye played both sides, too.  And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun.  Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.)  Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months.  A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances.  So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.

Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with.  He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.)  He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled.  He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs.   He's locked me out of the bedroom.  He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.)  He's left state to leave me to detox.  He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.

However, eye'm not so fun, either.  Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things.  He has to remember the lies eye've told the family.  When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone.  Eye manipulate.  Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own.  Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month.  If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.

During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often.  Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming.  Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel.  We still have so much fun laughing together.  He's told me so much that he can't tell other people.  We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding.  We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.)  We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation.  He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.   

And now, he's "running up a tab" with me.  But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.

And, does any of this demonstrate love?  Maybe so, maybe not.  Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have.  But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy.  All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between.  Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.

Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other.  This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.)  But, our relationship didn't begin this way.  He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills.  And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.