Ugh... so today when eye went out, m'eye bottle of crystal light was not completely closed, it leaked over everything - including the phone. So - now it's hanging out in a bag of rice. Since eye can't waste the day reading stuff online with the phone, here eye am.
Eye've been scraping by as of late... sold m'eye books back at a bookstore. Because only one store was open, the one that doesn't pay well, and they'd "changed policies" what should have netted me $80-100 left me with $26. Eye knew eye was being screwed. Eye smiled and took the cash anyway. Eye've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long, using the hell out of them, as long as they think does coming at the end, they'll do it. Eye don't find this inaccurate.
The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams. There are so many things wrong with this. First off - there are two different types of dope. There's the more expensive ones and the regular ones. The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes. So now eye'm stuck doing sub par shit. It's also very hard for me to regulate. Individually packaged balloons, eye'll take one, sometimes two. With a half - eye end up with three shots. So this is typically used post scoring, before bed, and then in the morning. Since eye like to lounge after waking up, by the time eye'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don't want to do anything. Lately, eye've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don't have at least $35? You're screwed. Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money, only ended up with twenty bucks. Lovely. Completely useless. So this morning eye was feeling like crap. Luckily, Angel decided he'd give me one Dilaudid (eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot), which he wouldn't do last night. It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel "cheery" for about an hour. In other words, no nod, but better than just feeling normal. Eye left and ended up making more than expected. Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!
Then eye had to come home, and Angel didn't want to wake up and call, didn't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control. Years ago, he "forbid" the dealer from dealing with me. But one phone call when he wasn't home, and telling the dealer he wouldn't find out, was the end of that, unless Angel is here. Recently, while he was hospitalized, eye admitted eye could call for myself, and had been for some time. But now that he's home - ha. And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn't want to deal with me. Really? Haha. Ok dude. So, after someone else showed up to buy pills, he called, and eye settled down for a long, boring wait. But they were fast. The driver and his buddy arrived, perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was (they've been tweeking lately.) They had no change, but the buddy drove me to the corner store. When eye was inside, eye thought he'd left. Then when eye got in, eye briefly thought he was the other guy. Eye told him about it, and he wanted to know why. Lack of drugs. But why? Eye can't function properly without them, and pretty soon, "It'll be the same for you, except you won't get sick." He told me not to say anything else about it. That, and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior, leads me to believe they're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension. It isn't - it's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures, and just being honest. Oh well.
M'eye veins have been HELL lately. Eye know eye mention it often enough, but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day? Ridiculous. Angel doesn't want to help, but geez, m'eye Parkinson's-unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for. If it took me seconds, up to a couple minutes maybe, most times when shooting myself or other people up, and eye didn't manage to fuck up, eye wouldn't make a big deal about shooting someone up! Seriously!
Well.... eye guess, even though eye don't need to really worry about it just yet, eye should get back on the whole money-making thing, instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush. Or at least uh... enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty.
Showing posts with label withdrawal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label withdrawal. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Forever Reckless
Eye have a cold. It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed. It can, however, be dulled. But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one. It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early. Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs. A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs. And now, eye can breathe. For now. Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore. Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now. It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then. However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same. While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in. Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house. Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.
On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building. Eye talked him back into rational thinking. Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him. It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything. So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky. The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating. He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him. Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account. Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back. Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer. Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself." This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him. And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks. Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row. We fought horribly in those days, almost every day. But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted. Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned. But, back then, eye only needed one every day. Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two. Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point. The day before, eye got just over one, all day long. Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that. That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting. Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.
It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors. The eating disorder shit, gone. Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now. But nope. Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore. Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.
Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin. Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message." As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again. It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others. Nothing eye can do about it, really.
It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era. Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat. Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.
Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend. It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father. He is very nervous. Eye kind of understand. Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother. So, that's one factor that makes it different. However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid. Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.
Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use. Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history. Same old story, people like to confide in me. Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah." But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested. Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing. Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope? We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such. Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score. So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine. Such a sucker. Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out. One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles. Well, that wasn't his phone... He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me. Eye had no money nor dope to spare. This time, he was on foot. Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here. He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment. Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing. If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all. Too much drama. Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.
Veins are being assholes. But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly. However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am. Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that. So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away? And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over? (Yep, he's said that more than once.) So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. He keeps suggesting to muscle it. What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs? No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes. Get more lumps. Hit more arteries. You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.
Ugh, it's getting late. Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early. Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning. Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway. Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning? He got over $100 today, but like that matters. The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got. Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things? Eye certainly don't. However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.
Oh! He also got some shrooms today. So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin. So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon. When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way. Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking. Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him. Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean. Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not. Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.
3:11am - do you know where your junkie is? Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.
On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building. Eye talked him back into rational thinking. Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him. It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything. So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky. The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating. He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him. Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account. Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back. Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer. Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself." This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him. And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks. Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row. We fought horribly in those days, almost every day. But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted. Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned. But, back then, eye only needed one every day. Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two. Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point. The day before, eye got just over one, all day long. Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that. That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting. Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.
It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors. The eating disorder shit, gone. Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now. But nope. Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore. Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.
Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin. Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message." As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again. It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others. Nothing eye can do about it, really.
It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era. Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat. Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.
Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend. It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father. He is very nervous. Eye kind of understand. Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother. So, that's one factor that makes it different. However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid. Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.
Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use. Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history. Same old story, people like to confide in me. Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah." But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested. Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing. Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope? We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such. Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score. So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine. Such a sucker. Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out. One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles. Well, that wasn't his phone... He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me. Eye had no money nor dope to spare. This time, he was on foot. Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here. He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment. Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing. If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all. Too much drama. Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.
Veins are being assholes. But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly. However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am. Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that. So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away? And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over? (Yep, he's said that more than once.) So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. He keeps suggesting to muscle it. What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs? No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes. Get more lumps. Hit more arteries. You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.
Ugh, it's getting late. Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early. Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning. Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway. Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning? He got over $100 today, but like that matters. The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got. Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things? Eye certainly don't. However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.
Oh! He also got some shrooms today. So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin. So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon. When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way. Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking. Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him. Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean. Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not. Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.
3:11am - do you know where your junkie is? Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.
Monday, January 7, 2013
May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor
Christmas break - it had its ups and downs. One of the drivers who had split off from the dealer over being accused of something he didn't do, decided he would start his own business. Because of having a wife and child, he wanted to use our house for storing and packaging. For this, Angel was to get paid, eye was to get 2 per day. The first day he came over, he asked funny things like how to deal with it when it's powder instead of tar, and how much is in a gram. But why would he know? He'd never used, and never been in charge of anything other than delivery. His little business lasted about five days. So after that, for me, it was a cycle of binge and starve, drugs-wise.
Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due. Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests. Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it. But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available. By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed. The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation. Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid. Find a hacker, a new school? But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter. So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income? And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation. It's a relief. And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again. Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well. Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way. It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.
On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day. Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day. Eye decided to try the homeless people. Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day. Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth." He would have done it for a few dollars. M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed. Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card. So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it. No good.
From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview. That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc. He needed someone to do office work for him. Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him. Fucking obnoxious.
Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home. Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive. Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable. So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning. When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep. So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry. So much for getting to stay, after all. However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not. So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis. Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one. He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school. Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here. He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be. He'll change his mind about the temprary thing. He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad. And then change back again. Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here. Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail. And eye will be the one expected to bend and change. HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc. She was most adamant about me leaving. During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet. What a bitch. Oh well.
New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house. At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead. Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID. Stupid. Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about. Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later. Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard. Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down. Angel was here. He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it. New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.
Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair. It's been growing out for a year. Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it. Not so, apparently. But who cares. Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair? Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys. Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone. Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero. Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out? No.
Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back. Basically have to wait around til he feels like it. It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense. Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account. And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine. Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment. The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot. Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with. Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't. And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible. Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks. This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end. Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful. Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.
On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky." Angel and eye laughed at that. It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything... Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Eye've never figured out which one.
Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah. The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible. Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt. If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it? Wishful thinking. Fuck. A week and a half. It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes. Mine or his. Or yours. Not really, it all depends on my "levels." Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...
& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)
Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due. Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests. Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it. But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available. By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed. The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation. Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid. Find a hacker, a new school? But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter. So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income? And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation. It's a relief. And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again. Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well. Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way. It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.
On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day. Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day. Eye decided to try the homeless people. Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day. Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth." He would have done it for a few dollars. M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed. Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card. So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it. No good.
From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview. That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc. He needed someone to do office work for him. Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him. Fucking obnoxious.
Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home. Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive. Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable. So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning. When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep. So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry. So much for getting to stay, after all. However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not. So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis. Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one. He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school. Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here. He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be. He'll change his mind about the temprary thing. He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad. And then change back again. Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here. Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail. And eye will be the one expected to bend and change. HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc. She was most adamant about me leaving. During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet. What a bitch. Oh well.
New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house. At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead. Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID. Stupid. Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about. Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later. Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard. Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down. Angel was here. He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it. New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.
Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair. It's been growing out for a year. Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it. Not so, apparently. But who cares. Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair? Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys. Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone. Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero. Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out? No.
Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back. Basically have to wait around til he feels like it. It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense. Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account. And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine. Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment. The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot. Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with. Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't. And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible. Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks. This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end. Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful. Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.
On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky." Angel and eye laughed at that. It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything... Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Eye've never figured out which one.
Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah. The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible. Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt. If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it? Wishful thinking. Fuck. A week and a half. It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes. Mine or his. Or yours. Not really, it all depends on my "levels." Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...
& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)
Monday, December 3, 2012
Squalor
Ugh, the morning. It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out. Read, and look. Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing. Wait. Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road. As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is. Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late. But how long will that be? Put something, somewhere. Put practically nothing, anywhere. And now, eye feel practically the same.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Back to the Swing of Things
Yeah it's been a while. Busy with school, then a lazy week of dope, Dilaudid, and sleeping pills, then school computers were closed as eye curled up sick in bed or ran around attempting to make money. Eye DID on and off keep up with most people's blogs, but cannot comment to them by phone, and if eye log into m'eye own blog on the phone, it shuts the stupid thing off.
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
To All Those Like JJ Who Have a Lack of Comprehension & Want An Explaination
Tattling to an adult's parents is VERY not cute. Across the country, how do m'eye actions affect him? How does telling on me help m'eye parents? Eye wasn't blowing some trust fund on getting loaded. Eye was employed as often as eye could be, and still looked for work regularly, parents helped when eye couldn't afford bills, which had happened before addiction happened. Their money went to bills, never to drugs. Dad already put me in counseling a year before the incident. The chance to come clean about anything eye wanted help for was back then. If dad would have done anything after finding out, it would have been throwing me into the street. Homelessness, where people get stuck. It is not where they improve their lives. It is not where many get inspired to become sober (at least not ones eye've met.) It is not where someone pays for them to go to rehab. What the hell did he think he was "helping?" Maybe he thought that eye was "about to die." Seeing as eye don't even have to leave the house to get drugs, much less go to a bad neighborhood, eye don't steal from dealers, eye don't share equipment, there's not really a way to put Fentanyl in black tar, eye've been strung out long enough that eye'm no longer even near prone to OD, eye cannot afford massive doses, eye don't really quit and start up again at the last-used dose, and eye'm not suicidal, eye do not get it. If an average addict "uses 14 years before successfully getting help," this doesn't really say to me that they're fizzling out after three years. Now - being kicked out of the house? THAT might have given me inspiration to die, on purpose. Before that, was perfectly content in m'eye "stupid little life."
He will probably never see this, but who cares. Eye feel obligated to say it, anyway. Yes, eye have "heard of an intervention." However, ever heard of people not stopping permanently unless they want to? He said that he didn't understand what eye was doing. He did not understand what eye was afraid of.
Words pale in comparison to experience. And that is a big understatement. How words can express this eye do not know. But eye will make an attempt. Without "having been there," you cannot understand motivation. Without being in the midst of things, you cannot begin to comprehend fear. FUCK your "flu-like symptoms." An overview: Senses become "off." Anxiety, panic, not thinking straight. Sense systems, brain function, emotion, digestive system, and more deteriorate. Eye'll attempt to explain each one's descent separately, so it's not a succession of the entire process at once. Runny nose, watery eyes. Next, eyes water uncontrollably, snot leaks out of your nose. You may even drool, how fucking gross. (But, you don't know gross, yet!) Your stomach cramps, time for "#2'.) Frequent bowel movements make way to diarrhea which becomes unbelievably frequent "Hot brown rice water." You pee so often, you stop even having anything to drink. It doesn't really help. Stomach sourness becomes stomach acid which turns into constant nausea. Tickles in the back of your throat turn to gagging. Maybe you won't constantly throw up, perhaps you'll even projectile vomit all over yourself, even at the same time that you're on the toilet. It all depends on the person. Senses are uncomfortable and overwhelming. Colors don't look correct, the sun just coming in through the blinds may make you need to put on sunglasses inside. Sounds can be startling. You probably have a better sense of smell than a dog, and many of the scents are vomit-inducing. Touch is intensified, and some people even get turned on really easily because of it. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot and cold. You get "chicken skin," then maybe your skin begins to crawl. Your muscles twitch, which may eventually become full spasms. Headache and little pains eventually become "muscle and bone pain." And let's not forget all your "poke holes" hurting, reminding you of that which you cannot have, that which you cannot do. Anxiety goes to panic, goes to desperation, goes to maybe a semi-manic state, maybe horribly depressed, or some twisted mixture of a tornado of thoughts as you want to die. You cannot comprehend simple things, eventually maybe can barely think (except for of your misery.) The thoughts that spin around may be a little different for everyone, and there's too many of them to even list. You may hallucinate. You cannot sleep. Any tiny bits of sleep you may be blessed enough to receive are short-lived and filled with nightmares. Have you ever had a FLU from which you cannot escape through sleep? A flu where your senses go into overdrive? A fucking flu that makes you seriously contemplate ending your life, or thinking, "What can eye do to get myself killed before this gets worse?" And have you heard very frequently about a flu possibly shutting down (or indeed shutting down) someone's kidneys because of all their fluid lost from urine, sweat, mucus, tears, spit, vomit, and dysentery-style diarrhea after a couple of days? Eye didn't think so.
Eye think it's better to walk away than to attempt to force someone to quit.
And with all this, eye am not anti-heroin, but not really pro-addiction, either. it is what it is, and as Melody and eye were saying, the only drug problem you have is running out of drugs :) Yes, eye WAS warned by a couple of addicts/ex-addicts at the beginning of m'eye use and binge periods. However, the commonly-touted "flu-like symptom" shit, plus the mild withdrawal eye felt after long-binges, made me think that withdrawal isn't a big deal, people were just weak and whiny. Eye too had that stupid "it's all self-control" belief. It's so much more. But, as words are too flimsy to convey something to someone who's never lived it, so the misconceptions will remain. And into eternity, the non-user tells the addict they don't understand the reason they use, and what the fuck are they so scared of?
He will probably never see this, but who cares. Eye feel obligated to say it, anyway. Yes, eye have "heard of an intervention." However, ever heard of people not stopping permanently unless they want to? He said that he didn't understand what eye was doing. He did not understand what eye was afraid of.
Words pale in comparison to experience. And that is a big understatement. How words can express this eye do not know. But eye will make an attempt. Without "having been there," you cannot understand motivation. Without being in the midst of things, you cannot begin to comprehend fear. FUCK your "flu-like symptoms." An overview: Senses become "off." Anxiety, panic, not thinking straight. Sense systems, brain function, emotion, digestive system, and more deteriorate. Eye'll attempt to explain each one's descent separately, so it's not a succession of the entire process at once. Runny nose, watery eyes. Next, eyes water uncontrollably, snot leaks out of your nose. You may even drool, how fucking gross. (But, you don't know gross, yet!) Your stomach cramps, time for "#2'.) Frequent bowel movements make way to diarrhea which becomes unbelievably frequent "Hot brown rice water." You pee so often, you stop even having anything to drink. It doesn't really help. Stomach sourness becomes stomach acid which turns into constant nausea. Tickles in the back of your throat turn to gagging. Maybe you won't constantly throw up, perhaps you'll even projectile vomit all over yourself, even at the same time that you're on the toilet. It all depends on the person. Senses are uncomfortable and overwhelming. Colors don't look correct, the sun just coming in through the blinds may make you need to put on sunglasses inside. Sounds can be startling. You probably have a better sense of smell than a dog, and many of the scents are vomit-inducing. Touch is intensified, and some people even get turned on really easily because of it. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot and cold. You get "chicken skin," then maybe your skin begins to crawl. Your muscles twitch, which may eventually become full spasms. Headache and little pains eventually become "muscle and bone pain." And let's not forget all your "poke holes" hurting, reminding you of that which you cannot have, that which you cannot do. Anxiety goes to panic, goes to desperation, goes to maybe a semi-manic state, maybe horribly depressed, or some twisted mixture of a tornado of thoughts as you want to die. You cannot comprehend simple things, eventually maybe can barely think (except for of your misery.) The thoughts that spin around may be a little different for everyone, and there's too many of them to even list. You may hallucinate. You cannot sleep. Any tiny bits of sleep you may be blessed enough to receive are short-lived and filled with nightmares. Have you ever had a FLU from which you cannot escape through sleep? A flu where your senses go into overdrive? A fucking flu that makes you seriously contemplate ending your life, or thinking, "What can eye do to get myself killed before this gets worse?" And have you heard very frequently about a flu possibly shutting down (or indeed shutting down) someone's kidneys because of all their fluid lost from urine, sweat, mucus, tears, spit, vomit, and dysentery-style diarrhea after a couple of days? Eye didn't think so.
Eye think it's better to walk away than to attempt to force someone to quit.
And with all this, eye am not anti-heroin, but not really pro-addiction, either. it is what it is, and as Melody and eye were saying, the only drug problem you have is running out of drugs :) Yes, eye WAS warned by a couple of addicts/ex-addicts at the beginning of m'eye use and binge periods. However, the commonly-touted "flu-like symptom" shit, plus the mild withdrawal eye felt after long-binges, made me think that withdrawal isn't a big deal, people were just weak and whiny. Eye too had that stupid "it's all self-control" belief. It's so much more. But, as words are too flimsy to convey something to someone who's never lived it, so the misconceptions will remain. And into eternity, the non-user tells the addict they don't understand the reason they use, and what the fuck are they so scared of?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
EYEing
Over the weekend, discovered through the internet that eye'm not the only person who talks in EYES. These are people eye've never met, so it made me pretty excited.
The test was easy, which is either a good or bad sign. Next will be time to look up articles for classes.
Yesterday, a man on the bus decided to tell me all about the way he looks down upon the "Occupy (City)" movement. The reason strangers love to pick ME to talk to about their views & problems is beyond me. Maybe eye look like eye "care."
Last night, due to leaving the library at a late hour, and a bus just passing right by, not even SEEING me, EYE (emphasized just to be irritating to anyone who thinks such) paid a man $20 to drive me home. Before the bus passed me, an ambulance, blaring its siren, passed by. The sound was offensive at such a disgusting "hour of the day," when stomachs begin to sour, brains start to fizzle, and senses (slightly) begin to assault. (Colors off/more intense in an unpleasant way, loud sounds are startling, and temperature sensitivity.)
Angel... (*rolls Eyes*) decided to be irritating and irritable last night, which was not at all helpful for studying purposes. Attempted sleep about 5 1/2 hours before it was time to get up. He then decided to pull me out of bed to help him fix (apparently for the 5th or so time yesterday) the swamp cooler, about an hour later. This morning, when eye woke him up, he said he wanted to start charging me a bag for every four injections he does for me. This would result in me not having the ability to do extra, at all. Yes, it is annoying to be woken up. However, he is on three opiates, two benzodiazipines, and a muscle relaxer. Eye am on one opiate, pretty much used as "maintenance." Naturally, he rarely has a hard time getting back to sleep. Me? hard to get to sleep, hard to stay asleep, hard to get back to sleep. And it's not like he "does" much of anything. If somehow it was legal for me to go to his doctor appointments for him, he'd probably want me to do that, too. Perhaps eye should come up with a certain amount to charge him for every little task he has me perform.
This weekend was sort of entertaining. To make a long story of thoughts about each little thing condensed a bit...
1. Go to bar, drink.
2. Bartender gives me a free drink at the end of her shift.
3. Angel attempts to pick her up, coaxes me to consider going home with a girl. (eye've only kissed girls before.)
4. She says she's interested but is with friends, would want to mostly be involved with me.
5. He tells me what she said, eye think it's a "nice" way to blow someone off, he said he "picked up on" that she was into it, but scared. (Who's right? Who knows? He's had lots of sexual experience, but isn't a girl who's had to reject men.)
6. He gives up, wants to go to other bar. Funny the way that the one time eye would have actually DONE this, that the situation happened the way that it did. He wants to stop at home to get money. Now, this wouldn't be HIS money since he'd spent it all, & previously had told him that eye don't want to go out because eye can't afford to. To which said he'd pay.
7. He waits for me on corner. Eye pretend to pass out in bathroom when his drunken impatience drove him home. Tell him eye'm "too wobbly" to go back out. (lie)
8. He asks for the phone book to call "adult entertainment services." Insists on getting me laid by a girl. Eye say eye won't pay. He says he'll pay me back. It soon just becomes a series of him prank-calling - talking explicitly about sex, when prostitution isn't legal in this county. He discovers that most of the phone numbers go to just one place (which eye was going to work for at one time - answering the phone), he's told the girls are only allowed to dance, he's told they don't do couples, he's told our neighborhood is "too bad" to come to, he's told to stop calling or they'd call the cops on him. (By the way, the range for a "stripper" to come over is $300-500.)
9. The next day - a girl from one of those places calls him back. He says he isn't interested anymore.
The test was easy, which is either a good or bad sign. Next will be time to look up articles for classes.
Yesterday, a man on the bus decided to tell me all about the way he looks down upon the "Occupy (City)" movement. The reason strangers love to pick ME to talk to about their views & problems is beyond me. Maybe eye look like eye "care."
Last night, due to leaving the library at a late hour, and a bus just passing right by, not even SEEING me, EYE (emphasized just to be irritating to anyone who thinks such) paid a man $20 to drive me home. Before the bus passed me, an ambulance, blaring its siren, passed by. The sound was offensive at such a disgusting "hour of the day," when stomachs begin to sour, brains start to fizzle, and senses (slightly) begin to assault. (Colors off/more intense in an unpleasant way, loud sounds are startling, and temperature sensitivity.)
Angel... (*rolls Eyes*) decided to be irritating and irritable last night, which was not at all helpful for studying purposes. Attempted sleep about 5 1/2 hours before it was time to get up. He then decided to pull me out of bed to help him fix (apparently for the 5th or so time yesterday) the swamp cooler, about an hour later. This morning, when eye woke him up, he said he wanted to start charging me a bag for every four injections he does for me. This would result in me not having the ability to do extra, at all. Yes, it is annoying to be woken up. However, he is on three opiates, two benzodiazipines, and a muscle relaxer. Eye am on one opiate, pretty much used as "maintenance." Naturally, he rarely has a hard time getting back to sleep. Me? hard to get to sleep, hard to stay asleep, hard to get back to sleep. And it's not like he "does" much of anything. If somehow it was legal for me to go to his doctor appointments for him, he'd probably want me to do that, too. Perhaps eye should come up with a certain amount to charge him for every little task he has me perform.
This weekend was sort of entertaining. To make a long story of thoughts about each little thing condensed a bit...
1. Go to bar, drink.
2. Bartender gives me a free drink at the end of her shift.
3. Angel attempts to pick her up, coaxes me to consider going home with a girl. (eye've only kissed girls before.)
4. She says she's interested but is with friends, would want to mostly be involved with me.
5. He tells me what she said, eye think it's a "nice" way to blow someone off, he said he "picked up on" that she was into it, but scared. (Who's right? Who knows? He's had lots of sexual experience, but isn't a girl who's had to reject men.)
6. He gives up, wants to go to other bar. Funny the way that the one time eye would have actually DONE this, that the situation happened the way that it did. He wants to stop at home to get money. Now, this wouldn't be HIS money since he'd spent it all, & previously had told him that eye don't want to go out because eye can't afford to. To which said he'd pay.
7. He waits for me on corner. Eye pretend to pass out in bathroom when his drunken impatience drove him home. Tell him eye'm "too wobbly" to go back out. (lie)
8. He asks for the phone book to call "adult entertainment services." Insists on getting me laid by a girl. Eye say eye won't pay. He says he'll pay me back. It soon just becomes a series of him prank-calling - talking explicitly about sex, when prostitution isn't legal in this county. He discovers that most of the phone numbers go to just one place (which eye was going to work for at one time - answering the phone), he's told the girls are only allowed to dance, he's told they don't do couples, he's told our neighborhood is "too bad" to come to, he's told to stop calling or they'd call the cops on him. (By the way, the range for a "stripper" to come over is $300-500.)
9. The next day - a girl from one of those places calls him back. He says he isn't interested anymore.
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