Wec, Angel had picked up another chick. He was in love. She was faking a relationship to get by, something that she has a history of doing. Eye paid him back, paid all the extra bullshit he came up with too. So he started borrowing from me to support both of their habits. Hers surpassed his. The house of cards tumbled. Borrowing against rent and bills, he could not keep it up forever. We got evicted. She took off. Eye found a place to go. (Which is in the hood instead of my beloved barrios of nine years.) He tried detox and lasted two days. Then tried methadone. Then ended up in the hospital for weeks- pneumonia and a blood clot between his heart and brain. He found somewhere else to go and still wants that girl back.
Eye've adjusted to somewhere else. Enjoyed living alone. Haven't been sick any more than before, maybe even less. But now have a new guy... Eye've known him about a year and a half and loved ot when he came around. It wasn't planned or anything. He found himself between places and was going to give me some money to stay for about a week. He went to LA yo take care if an old warrant and got stuck all week. Eye thought about him and wished things were different. He returned and admitted feelings for me. So we're gonna see what happens. It's been great. No demands about changing anything on either side. He's funny and sweet and it's wonderful to live with someone nice for a change! Eye adore him and am so happy. He's a tweeker. (But we get along great.) Can take care of his own shit and if not then well, he just sleeps ha. So no drug fights or whatever, freaking out, getting mean, manipulation... He's really sweet to me and Eye'm loving it.
Met a new junkie chick so she's coming by for shit... Already has asked me to spot her. Ugh. Didn't and couldn't anyway. Today found out she's smoking it and has only been on it for a couple months. So there goes any potential pity ha ha.
That's about it. Other than finally switching to smartphone for internet purposes. Got it for free but still took over a weelbto finally do it.
Hope things turn out well. Will try to get stable. If not, gonna save up to move to San Diego.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Monday, September 23, 2013
I Am Shiva, God of Death
On Friday the 13th, after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially (highly likely) never-ending fiasco of shooting up, then attending to it, then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television, eye decided to check the phone. It was blowing up with "Inbox Full, Delete Messages." (Yes, quite old style of phone. No hipster shit here, m'eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real.) After sorting through them and returning phone calls, eye found out that m'eye ex best friend from back "home" (if it can be called such, eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that, and even m'eye connection to where eye spent m'eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving) Marty had died that day.
There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking. But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday. Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things. But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother. She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying. He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more. M'eye aunt does the same thing. Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story. But that was all eye expected.
So many conversations. So many people crying. No tears from me, asshole as eye may be. Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.) We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better. She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died. Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.) It was a little over a month before he'd be 28. But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously? On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day. He didn't. Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing. "That's dumb." It is dumb. He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple? He was in his second year of college. But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen. The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly. A bit empty. A bit offended. Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away. Maybe some regret? He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text. Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.) Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become. The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him. And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.
Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it. Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight. She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance." Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time. Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up. Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing. It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to? Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they. Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..." Don't think so. And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever. If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.
It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon." (Oh and eye was! 45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60. Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!" (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper? Oh - dinglehopper!" A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid. He took a picture too.)
It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common. But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened. And hadn't happened in a long time. But then again, maybe it isn't so weird. After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence. Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.
If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything. If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.
It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot. Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive. Like eye'm supposed to die too. Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence. Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone. And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart. With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why. There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small." But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself. But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.
It doesn't seem fair, but why would it? With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate. Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone. No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible. Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type. He wasn't, he was just lucky. The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.
No need to dwell, though. People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything? No. Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone. Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time. So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares? Create or destroy, do both, do neither. Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive." Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.
Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side. JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways. Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both. Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know. To everyone you know. You either accept it and move on, or you don't.
There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking. But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday. Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things. But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother. She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying. He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more. M'eye aunt does the same thing. Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story. But that was all eye expected.
So many conversations. So many people crying. No tears from me, asshole as eye may be. Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.) We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better. She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died. Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.) It was a little over a month before he'd be 28. But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously? On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day. He didn't. Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing. "That's dumb." It is dumb. He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple? He was in his second year of college. But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen. The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly. A bit empty. A bit offended. Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away. Maybe some regret? He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text. Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.) Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become. The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him. And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.
Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it. Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight. She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance." Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time. Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up. Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing. It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to? Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they. Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..." Don't think so. And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever. If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.
It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon." (Oh and eye was! 45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60. Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!" (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper? Oh - dinglehopper!" A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid. He took a picture too.)
It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common. But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened. And hadn't happened in a long time. But then again, maybe it isn't so weird. After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence. Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.
If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything. If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.
It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot. Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive. Like eye'm supposed to die too. Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence. Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone. And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart. With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why. There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small." But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself. But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.
It doesn't seem fair, but why would it? With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate. Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone. No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible. Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type. He wasn't, he was just lucky. The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.
No need to dwell, though. People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything? No. Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone. Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time. So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares? Create or destroy, do both, do neither. Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive." Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.
Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side. JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways. Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both. Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know. To everyone you know. You either accept it and move on, or you don't.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Eyes Without A Face
Why no one ever told me about the song, eye do not know.
How can anyone mourn the loss of someone who was never there to begin with? For all of m'eye changes- eye am always, always the same. Giving, but very selfish, self-centered, self-oriented, oblivious, etc.
Am eye a bad friend for considering making another friend wait at the Greyhound station so that eye can make more money? It's not greed when it's survival, and rent isn't even paid. Eye didn't make her wait, eye came with a ride... But eye did not visit her in the hospital while she was here. Most of her "vacation" was pure misery, eye had no bus pass, but wouldn't have been impossible to get a ride over there. Eye did get her a ride back here and back to the bus depot.
This summer has been very hard, hard as hell, "hard as nails." Eye am not keen on having another one, another anything like it. Yes eye spent a lot of time online, but wouldn't come back here to say anything. Eye had other priorities and besides - hate to blog when things are going shitty. There's enough whiners, why be a downer - if someone wanted a downer, well - there are drugs for that. That isn't the only reason. Bonus Points to someone who can correctly decipher why.
Eye've encountered the stupidest circle ever. Eye expected problems with financial aid. There are none. It could be sent to me Monday or Tuesday. But - eye owe the community college $468.50 in order to go to UNLV, or any other school. This is for supposedly dropped (actually failed) classes from spring semester of 2011. Eye can appeal, but it will take a month or two. So, to get it, eye have to pay something eye can't afford. Eye've been barely able to get by all summer. At least the other obstacle circle is no longer in the way - needing to pay to get the internet back on, but needing the internet to make money. Family - completely unsympathetic. "We live with the results of our choices." "Why did you wait til the last minute to enroll?" "Why didn't you get a job?" "Maybe you should take a semester or two off and get a job." Ha - if eye was able to get a good enough job and hang onto it - well, with no car to go to work AND school - eye'd be unwilling to quit and go back to living off of jack shit again while working on a degree. Oh - cell phone is due to be shut off in a couple of days. Eye need that, too in order to get this all together.
Fucked for Life. No matter what, your life will always, always be fucked in some way, and if not - it will be soon. So may as well accept it, and learn to love it. That's m'eye fake gang with friends from where eye previously lived.
How can anyone mourn the loss of someone who was never there to begin with? For all of m'eye changes- eye am always, always the same. Giving, but very selfish, self-centered, self-oriented, oblivious, etc.
Am eye a bad friend for considering making another friend wait at the Greyhound station so that eye can make more money? It's not greed when it's survival, and rent isn't even paid. Eye didn't make her wait, eye came with a ride... But eye did not visit her in the hospital while she was here. Most of her "vacation" was pure misery, eye had no bus pass, but wouldn't have been impossible to get a ride over there. Eye did get her a ride back here and back to the bus depot.
This summer has been very hard, hard as hell, "hard as nails." Eye am not keen on having another one, another anything like it. Yes eye spent a lot of time online, but wouldn't come back here to say anything. Eye had other priorities and besides - hate to blog when things are going shitty. There's enough whiners, why be a downer - if someone wanted a downer, well - there are drugs for that. That isn't the only reason. Bonus Points to someone who can correctly decipher why.
Eye've encountered the stupidest circle ever. Eye expected problems with financial aid. There are none. It could be sent to me Monday or Tuesday. But - eye owe the community college $468.50 in order to go to UNLV, or any other school. This is for supposedly dropped (actually failed) classes from spring semester of 2011. Eye can appeal, but it will take a month or two. So, to get it, eye have to pay something eye can't afford. Eye've been barely able to get by all summer. At least the other obstacle circle is no longer in the way - needing to pay to get the internet back on, but needing the internet to make money. Family - completely unsympathetic. "We live with the results of our choices." "Why did you wait til the last minute to enroll?" "Why didn't you get a job?" "Maybe you should take a semester or two off and get a job." Ha - if eye was able to get a good enough job and hang onto it - well, with no car to go to work AND school - eye'd be unwilling to quit and go back to living off of jack shit again while working on a degree. Oh - cell phone is due to be shut off in a couple of days. Eye need that, too in order to get this all together.
Fucked for Life. No matter what, your life will always, always be fucked in some way, and if not - it will be soon. So may as well accept it, and learn to love it. That's m'eye fake gang with friends from where eye previously lived.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Awful
Eye recently learned that an ex-boyfriend of a good friend got arrested for breaking into a warehouse, skinning and eating a cat, and then wearing the tail as a necklace! His excuse was "just getting out of jail and being homeless and hungry." Horrifying, absolutely the worst. Eye thought it was bad when an ex-roommate went and shot his sleeping father and burned down the house, back in the fall of 2008. (Neither of these people are into heroin, by the way.) But this cat occurance, to me, is much, much worse than the guy shooting the father who abused him on a couple of occasions. What can eye say? Eye have more of a soft spot for animals than people. And, of course, the ex-girlfriend is busy defending him to anyone who's heated about this event - whether they are just horrified or if they are making fun of him... Eye seem to remember him treating her not too well, and she's been with someone new for over a year, so why she feels the need to stand up for him, eye haven't a clue and don't understand. Oh, the winners with whom eye am acquainted!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Smuggling
October 2006, eye lost a job from the resulting depression of losing m'eye cat. In November, eye still hadn't found work, and needed to come up with money for upcoming bills and rent. Eye decided to take an opportunity from our native neighbors. After all, Marty had done it before, successfully. Well, the first time. His second time, he was caught, but released, he received no charges, and our trip to Las Vegas for his birthday was merely postponed.
The opportunity was to pick up "workers." It involves what can be a bit of a drive, but it works. The neighbors basically needed a car and a driver. That meant me. Eye was to drive any one of the neighbors (in our case, it was the main female of the house who took care of everyone) and they told me where to go. Eye ended up at a house very close to the border, where eye was to pick up any number of illegal immigrants, depending on how many are available, how many could fit, and how many were wanted. They are told to get in the car, and one may or may not hide them. (Eye did.) One of the people at the house gives the driver a phone number and a city. Upon arriving in the city, the phone number is called, the person who answers says where to meet them. The meet up involves an exchange, the people go from one car to the other. The person who picks them up pays $600-$1200 per person, which is to be split with the neighbor.
Marty went twice because he got greedy. He partied a lot with his money and wanted more money to play with for his birthday. Eye went a second time because the first time didn't result in enough money for bills, and as the end of the month grew near, eye still had no job. It was right after Thanksgiving. We drove down. This time at the house, there were not people there who were listening to the police scanner to tell us when to leave, like there was the time before. Also, upon leaving, eye saw LOTS of Border Patrol cars. Sure enough, they pulled us over. Eye stuck to the story of thinking they were hitchhiking, but hid them because eye knew where we were, that even picking them up could get us in trouble. However, m'eye neighbor decided to break and even start leading them back to the house, but for some reason we didn't end up there (eye was in the back of the vehicle, she was in the front, so not quite sure what happened, but that's what it seems like.)
At the Border Patrol Station, they tried to trip us up and turn us against each other. She was locked in a room, eye was out in the open answering questions. Apparently, the car had been seen before, and eye fit the profile of someone smuggling, it was a pretty big car (boyfriend's at the time, not own car - which he'd also taken down with one of the neighbor's, but there was no one to pick up at the time,) etc. They informed me that one of the people eye'd been transporting was a convicted felon, so eye could get a felony charge. They also asked if eye had any prior arrests. Yes, a DUI and a driving on a suspended license. They looked it up. The officer said, "DUI Drug Metabolite? How much Metabolite did you take?" Idiot. They also wanted to know about drug history, they seemed particularly convinced that eye was on methamphetamine. Ridiculous. At the time, the only drugs eye used were hallucinogens and dissociatives, and eye hadn't done any of those since two months prior. Eye consented to a drug test. They didn't give me one. They asked a bunch of nosy "personal history" questions. After that, eye was taken from holding facility to holding facility all night, and then to court, where she was sentenced to four months, and eye was sentenced to two, but allowed to be released (to m'eye mother's house!) until the semester was over. It was a "petty charge," they said. And who was sent to pick me up? Mom, incredibly pissed, eye am sure, as she is VERY against illegal immigrants.
Eye had to do weekly drug tests. Once, eye went there pretty damn high on DXM and shaking, but that doesn't come out as anything. Another time, eye'd taken a diet pill the week before and ALMOST got in trouble for amphetamines (which the pills are not), but eye showed her the prescription, and then the test cleared. She said she thought eye needed help if eye was already thin but trying to lose weight, especially if eye was not going to be seeing people for a couple of months.
Eye went to "self-surrender" the day after Christmas, after a night of DXM and alcohol, and even "pre-dosed" with DXM before going in there. So, the intake process was pretty amusing. They asked if eye were on drugs. "Nope!" (after all, it couldn't be proven.) But eye was extremely wobbly, and the other girls watching me close m'eye eyes, and the way m'eye eyes were likely wiggling when they were open, they thought eye was coming down off methamphetamine. Eye was then taken to a "corporate prison" where the people go while they are either still in court proceedings, or waiting to be transferred to their final facility. Eye was given a tuberculosis test and a psychological test, and all these stupid tests. Their picture of me looks ridiculous because of just how intoxicated eye was at the time. They also attempted to transfer me to m'eye final facility the second day eye was there. Eye was taken way out to an airport by bus, and then taken back and re-booked because the TB test hadn't cleared yet.
In this place, there are federal inmates, and people who are in the process of being deported. Eye was at first placed in the housing unit where lots of illegal people were, and made friends with a lot of them. The second area eye went in was solely for federal inmates. M'eye co defendant was in there. She'd converted to Christianity. Eye made friends with her native friends, and an old lady who was in there because she'd allowed some people to use her farmhouse to store smuggled drugs for a couple of days.
Prison itself, it wasn't too bad. It certainly wasn't as bad as *one particularly infamous jail eye have been in. Eye spent time reading books, and making written suggestions about how to improve the prison, which eye'm sure annoyed the hell out of the people who read them, but it entertained me. Eye worked out when eye could. What WAS bad is that eye had no control over what was occurring at the house. A different girl moved in, eye requested m'eye brother cover m'eye part of bills til eye got out (but eye didn't find out he couldn't til eye was there a couple of weeks.) Well, the girl and Marty both lost their jobs and got this "fuck all" attitude, and then the electricity went off. They both thought it would be cool to play gutter-punk, and so became homeless on purpose, rather than going back to their parents. So, eye didn't know if while eye was locked up, the house would be lost, and eye'd be stuck coming out and living at m'eye mother's, which to me was a horrible fate, especially because m'eye car broke down about a week before eye went to prison. She is very intrusive, and we don't live together very well.
A few weeks before eye was to be released, eye was transferred to the actual federal facility. It was a women's Federal Correction Institute, minumum security. That place was nice! They had a better selection of books, a laundry facility where you could drop off your stuff any day, real soap and toiletries, good phone access, REAL fresh vegetables, you had a job 6 days a week, and got to be outside anywhere between 5:30am and 9:30pm. They also offered online school courses to people who had to be in there a while. The older lady eye'd made friends with also ended up going there with me, but was housed in a different area. The things that weren't as pleasant about it were that eye was on a cot in the hallway by the stairs (although it was fun to climb up the railing, then slip through the rails into bed) and that eye couldn't order commissary (an issue from the previous prison that was supposed to be fixed but had still been neglected - since eye had THREE booking numbers at that place, from initial arrest, being booked, then being booked again - m'eye $68 was on the second booking number, still. That place still has m'eye money.) But eye got to work out all of the time, and got to lose a few pounds eye'd gained from having to convert from vegetables to starches at the first facility, plus not being able to be that active.
After being released, eye went back to mom's house, and that night taken to m'eye house, from which eye had NOT been evicted, by Anthony, whom eye wasn't sure was going to be m'eye boyfriend or not after release, and Marty. However, eye discovered a few things. First, squatters had been inhabiting the house. It was trashed, and the washer and dryer had been stolen. Secondly, Marty had LEFT his cat there. (M'eye cats were at mom's ever since having to live with her before m'eye sentence began.) Eye picked about five outfits out, and vowed to return to clean the house and get more belongings later. Eye also picked up Marty's cat and put her in a cage, eye was going to get her somewhere better until eye could get work and get the house back. On the way back to Anthony's house, something happened to him (drugs?seizure?) He suddenly veered across the road and proceeded to crash through about seven fences, some steel bar, some other types. Finally, his car stopped on a chain link fence, about 15 feet from crashing into someone's house. They were illegal, so they didn't call the police. (excellent, because he'd given me a "return" present of LSD, which eye was going to be keeping tucked away for the next month and a half, which eye did.) He told us that what had happened is that suddenly he couldn't see. After getting back to his house, he went to lay down, and Marty told me all about how he'd basically gone to shit after eye'd been away - he lost his job, he let a bunch of raver kids stay at his house to the point it was packed - including underage kids - when he was almost 40 (quite a bit older than eye was, but certainly nothing compared to lots of the people he was surrounding himself with), contracted an STD, got the cops called on him, his house was being watched, his kids were taken away, and though had done or people had been doing stuff like heroin/meth/crack (crack used to be his "problem drug" many years back), what he'd actually gone overboard on with was basically just constant ketamine. And apparently was very whiny/obsessive about me when eye was gone. Basically, he was attracting cops. And eye'd just gotten out of prison. So eye decided to distance myself from him. And that's probably good, because a little down the line, he was busted in an ecstasy sting. And not long after serving his sentence and getting out on parole or probation, he was arrested driving down the wrong wide of the road with an underage girl, high on K with drugs in his car. And so back he went!
Well, back to the house story, and all that. About a week after getting back, eye still hadn't called the landlord because eye didn't have the money together and wasn't sure how eye was going to get it. It would START with a tax refund, but eye didn't know where to go from there. So, he called someone to clean out the house. Every single one of m'eye belongings, other than some pictures, a few odds and ends, and five outfits, were now gone. Eye had to start from scratch. Eye was working again two weeks after getting out, and stayed with a couple of friends who were closer to work than m'eye mom's house. After the tax refund and some loans, eye got the house back. It started as an empty house with three cats, me sleeping on the ground, and slowly became a regular house, but with a revolving cast of mostly irresponsible roommates.
Prison didn't make me any different at all. But eye learned that out of criminal activities, obviously smuggling people is not the path for me, if eye got caught so fast like that.
The opportunity was to pick up "workers." It involves what can be a bit of a drive, but it works. The neighbors basically needed a car and a driver. That meant me. Eye was to drive any one of the neighbors (in our case, it was the main female of the house who took care of everyone) and they told me where to go. Eye ended up at a house very close to the border, where eye was to pick up any number of illegal immigrants, depending on how many are available, how many could fit, and how many were wanted. They are told to get in the car, and one may or may not hide them. (Eye did.) One of the people at the house gives the driver a phone number and a city. Upon arriving in the city, the phone number is called, the person who answers says where to meet them. The meet up involves an exchange, the people go from one car to the other. The person who picks them up pays $600-$1200 per person, which is to be split with the neighbor.
Marty went twice because he got greedy. He partied a lot with his money and wanted more money to play with for his birthday. Eye went a second time because the first time didn't result in enough money for bills, and as the end of the month grew near, eye still had no job. It was right after Thanksgiving. We drove down. This time at the house, there were not people there who were listening to the police scanner to tell us when to leave, like there was the time before. Also, upon leaving, eye saw LOTS of Border Patrol cars. Sure enough, they pulled us over. Eye stuck to the story of thinking they were hitchhiking, but hid them because eye knew where we were, that even picking them up could get us in trouble. However, m'eye neighbor decided to break and even start leading them back to the house, but for some reason we didn't end up there (eye was in the back of the vehicle, she was in the front, so not quite sure what happened, but that's what it seems like.)
At the Border Patrol Station, they tried to trip us up and turn us against each other. She was locked in a room, eye was out in the open answering questions. Apparently, the car had been seen before, and eye fit the profile of someone smuggling, it was a pretty big car (boyfriend's at the time, not own car - which he'd also taken down with one of the neighbor's, but there was no one to pick up at the time,) etc. They informed me that one of the people eye'd been transporting was a convicted felon, so eye could get a felony charge. They also asked if eye had any prior arrests. Yes, a DUI and a driving on a suspended license. They looked it up. The officer said, "DUI Drug Metabolite? How much Metabolite did you take?" Idiot. They also wanted to know about drug history, they seemed particularly convinced that eye was on methamphetamine. Ridiculous. At the time, the only drugs eye used were hallucinogens and dissociatives, and eye hadn't done any of those since two months prior. Eye consented to a drug test. They didn't give me one. They asked a bunch of nosy "personal history" questions. After that, eye was taken from holding facility to holding facility all night, and then to court, where she was sentenced to four months, and eye was sentenced to two, but allowed to be released (to m'eye mother's house!) until the semester was over. It was a "petty charge," they said. And who was sent to pick me up? Mom, incredibly pissed, eye am sure, as she is VERY against illegal immigrants.
Eye had to do weekly drug tests. Once, eye went there pretty damn high on DXM and shaking, but that doesn't come out as anything. Another time, eye'd taken a diet pill the week before and ALMOST got in trouble for amphetamines (which the pills are not), but eye showed her the prescription, and then the test cleared. She said she thought eye needed help if eye was already thin but trying to lose weight, especially if eye was not going to be seeing people for a couple of months.
Eye went to "self-surrender" the day after Christmas, after a night of DXM and alcohol, and even "pre-dosed" with DXM before going in there. So, the intake process was pretty amusing. They asked if eye were on drugs. "Nope!" (after all, it couldn't be proven.) But eye was extremely wobbly, and the other girls watching me close m'eye eyes, and the way m'eye eyes were likely wiggling when they were open, they thought eye was coming down off methamphetamine. Eye was then taken to a "corporate prison" where the people go while they are either still in court proceedings, or waiting to be transferred to their final facility. Eye was given a tuberculosis test and a psychological test, and all these stupid tests. Their picture of me looks ridiculous because of just how intoxicated eye was at the time. They also attempted to transfer me to m'eye final facility the second day eye was there. Eye was taken way out to an airport by bus, and then taken back and re-booked because the TB test hadn't cleared yet.
In this place, there are federal inmates, and people who are in the process of being deported. Eye was at first placed in the housing unit where lots of illegal people were, and made friends with a lot of them. The second area eye went in was solely for federal inmates. M'eye co defendant was in there. She'd converted to Christianity. Eye made friends with her native friends, and an old lady who was in there because she'd allowed some people to use her farmhouse to store smuggled drugs for a couple of days.
Prison itself, it wasn't too bad. It certainly wasn't as bad as *one particularly infamous jail eye have been in. Eye spent time reading books, and making written suggestions about how to improve the prison, which eye'm sure annoyed the hell out of the people who read them, but it entertained me. Eye worked out when eye could. What WAS bad is that eye had no control over what was occurring at the house. A different girl moved in, eye requested m'eye brother cover m'eye part of bills til eye got out (but eye didn't find out he couldn't til eye was there a couple of weeks.) Well, the girl and Marty both lost their jobs and got this "fuck all" attitude, and then the electricity went off. They both thought it would be cool to play gutter-punk, and so became homeless on purpose, rather than going back to their parents. So, eye didn't know if while eye was locked up, the house would be lost, and eye'd be stuck coming out and living at m'eye mother's, which to me was a horrible fate, especially because m'eye car broke down about a week before eye went to prison. She is very intrusive, and we don't live together very well.
A few weeks before eye was to be released, eye was transferred to the actual federal facility. It was a women's Federal Correction Institute, minumum security. That place was nice! They had a better selection of books, a laundry facility where you could drop off your stuff any day, real soap and toiletries, good phone access, REAL fresh vegetables, you had a job 6 days a week, and got to be outside anywhere between 5:30am and 9:30pm. They also offered online school courses to people who had to be in there a while. The older lady eye'd made friends with also ended up going there with me, but was housed in a different area. The things that weren't as pleasant about it were that eye was on a cot in the hallway by the stairs (although it was fun to climb up the railing, then slip through the rails into bed) and that eye couldn't order commissary (an issue from the previous prison that was supposed to be fixed but had still been neglected - since eye had THREE booking numbers at that place, from initial arrest, being booked, then being booked again - m'eye $68 was on the second booking number, still. That place still has m'eye money.) But eye got to work out all of the time, and got to lose a few pounds eye'd gained from having to convert from vegetables to starches at the first facility, plus not being able to be that active.
After being released, eye went back to mom's house, and that night taken to m'eye house, from which eye had NOT been evicted, by Anthony, whom eye wasn't sure was going to be m'eye boyfriend or not after release, and Marty. However, eye discovered a few things. First, squatters had been inhabiting the house. It was trashed, and the washer and dryer had been stolen. Secondly, Marty had LEFT his cat there. (M'eye cats were at mom's ever since having to live with her before m'eye sentence began.) Eye picked about five outfits out, and vowed to return to clean the house and get more belongings later. Eye also picked up Marty's cat and put her in a cage, eye was going to get her somewhere better until eye could get work and get the house back. On the way back to Anthony's house, something happened to him (drugs?seizure?) He suddenly veered across the road and proceeded to crash through about seven fences, some steel bar, some other types. Finally, his car stopped on a chain link fence, about 15 feet from crashing into someone's house. They were illegal, so they didn't call the police. (excellent, because he'd given me a "return" present of LSD, which eye was going to be keeping tucked away for the next month and a half, which eye did.) He told us that what had happened is that suddenly he couldn't see. After getting back to his house, he went to lay down, and Marty told me all about how he'd basically gone to shit after eye'd been away - he lost his job, he let a bunch of raver kids stay at his house to the point it was packed - including underage kids - when he was almost 40 (quite a bit older than eye was, but certainly nothing compared to lots of the people he was surrounding himself with), contracted an STD, got the cops called on him, his house was being watched, his kids were taken away, and though had done or people had been doing stuff like heroin/meth/crack (crack used to be his "problem drug" many years back), what he'd actually gone overboard on with was basically just constant ketamine. And apparently was very whiny/obsessive about me when eye was gone. Basically, he was attracting cops. And eye'd just gotten out of prison. So eye decided to distance myself from him. And that's probably good, because a little down the line, he was busted in an ecstasy sting. And not long after serving his sentence and getting out on parole or probation, he was arrested driving down the wrong wide of the road with an underage girl, high on K with drugs in his car. And so back he went!
Well, back to the house story, and all that. About a week after getting back, eye still hadn't called the landlord because eye didn't have the money together and wasn't sure how eye was going to get it. It would START with a tax refund, but eye didn't know where to go from there. So, he called someone to clean out the house. Every single one of m'eye belongings, other than some pictures, a few odds and ends, and five outfits, were now gone. Eye had to start from scratch. Eye was working again two weeks after getting out, and stayed with a couple of friends who were closer to work than m'eye mom's house. After the tax refund and some loans, eye got the house back. It started as an empty house with three cats, me sleeping on the ground, and slowly became a regular house, but with a revolving cast of mostly irresponsible roommates.
Prison didn't make me any different at all. But eye learned that out of criminal activities, obviously smuggling people is not the path for me, if eye got caught so fast like that.
Monday, October 31, 2011
October is for Death
October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine. Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.) He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule. Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him. As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar. As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend. We planned to call each other that weekend.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
To All Those Like JJ Who Have a Lack of Comprehension & Want An Explaination
Tattling to an adult's parents is VERY not cute. Across the country, how do m'eye actions affect him? How does telling on me help m'eye parents? Eye wasn't blowing some trust fund on getting loaded. Eye was employed as often as eye could be, and still looked for work regularly, parents helped when eye couldn't afford bills, which had happened before addiction happened. Their money went to bills, never to drugs. Dad already put me in counseling a year before the incident. The chance to come clean about anything eye wanted help for was back then. If dad would have done anything after finding out, it would have been throwing me into the street. Homelessness, where people get stuck. It is not where they improve their lives. It is not where many get inspired to become sober (at least not ones eye've met.) It is not where someone pays for them to go to rehab. What the hell did he think he was "helping?" Maybe he thought that eye was "about to die." Seeing as eye don't even have to leave the house to get drugs, much less go to a bad neighborhood, eye don't steal from dealers, eye don't share equipment, there's not really a way to put Fentanyl in black tar, eye've been strung out long enough that eye'm no longer even near prone to OD, eye cannot afford massive doses, eye don't really quit and start up again at the last-used dose, and eye'm not suicidal, eye do not get it. If an average addict "uses 14 years before successfully getting help," this doesn't really say to me that they're fizzling out after three years. Now - being kicked out of the house? THAT might have given me inspiration to die, on purpose. Before that, was perfectly content in m'eye "stupid little life."
He will probably never see this, but who cares. Eye feel obligated to say it, anyway. Yes, eye have "heard of an intervention." However, ever heard of people not stopping permanently unless they want to? He said that he didn't understand what eye was doing. He did not understand what eye was afraid of.
Words pale in comparison to experience. And that is a big understatement. How words can express this eye do not know. But eye will make an attempt. Without "having been there," you cannot understand motivation. Without being in the midst of things, you cannot begin to comprehend fear. FUCK your "flu-like symptoms." An overview: Senses become "off." Anxiety, panic, not thinking straight. Sense systems, brain function, emotion, digestive system, and more deteriorate. Eye'll attempt to explain each one's descent separately, so it's not a succession of the entire process at once. Runny nose, watery eyes. Next, eyes water uncontrollably, snot leaks out of your nose. You may even drool, how fucking gross. (But, you don't know gross, yet!) Your stomach cramps, time for "#2'.) Frequent bowel movements make way to diarrhea which becomes unbelievably frequent "Hot brown rice water." You pee so often, you stop even having anything to drink. It doesn't really help. Stomach sourness becomes stomach acid which turns into constant nausea. Tickles in the back of your throat turn to gagging. Maybe you won't constantly throw up, perhaps you'll even projectile vomit all over yourself, even at the same time that you're on the toilet. It all depends on the person. Senses are uncomfortable and overwhelming. Colors don't look correct, the sun just coming in through the blinds may make you need to put on sunglasses inside. Sounds can be startling. You probably have a better sense of smell than a dog, and many of the scents are vomit-inducing. Touch is intensified, and some people even get turned on really easily because of it. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot and cold. You get "chicken skin," then maybe your skin begins to crawl. Your muscles twitch, which may eventually become full spasms. Headache and little pains eventually become "muscle and bone pain." And let's not forget all your "poke holes" hurting, reminding you of that which you cannot have, that which you cannot do. Anxiety goes to panic, goes to desperation, goes to maybe a semi-manic state, maybe horribly depressed, or some twisted mixture of a tornado of thoughts as you want to die. You cannot comprehend simple things, eventually maybe can barely think (except for of your misery.) The thoughts that spin around may be a little different for everyone, and there's too many of them to even list. You may hallucinate. You cannot sleep. Any tiny bits of sleep you may be blessed enough to receive are short-lived and filled with nightmares. Have you ever had a FLU from which you cannot escape through sleep? A flu where your senses go into overdrive? A fucking flu that makes you seriously contemplate ending your life, or thinking, "What can eye do to get myself killed before this gets worse?" And have you heard very frequently about a flu possibly shutting down (or indeed shutting down) someone's kidneys because of all their fluid lost from urine, sweat, mucus, tears, spit, vomit, and dysentery-style diarrhea after a couple of days? Eye didn't think so.
Eye think it's better to walk away than to attempt to force someone to quit.
And with all this, eye am not anti-heroin, but not really pro-addiction, either. it is what it is, and as Melody and eye were saying, the only drug problem you have is running out of drugs :) Yes, eye WAS warned by a couple of addicts/ex-addicts at the beginning of m'eye use and binge periods. However, the commonly-touted "flu-like symptom" shit, plus the mild withdrawal eye felt after long-binges, made me think that withdrawal isn't a big deal, people were just weak and whiny. Eye too had that stupid "it's all self-control" belief. It's so much more. But, as words are too flimsy to convey something to someone who's never lived it, so the misconceptions will remain. And into eternity, the non-user tells the addict they don't understand the reason they use, and what the fuck are they so scared of?
He will probably never see this, but who cares. Eye feel obligated to say it, anyway. Yes, eye have "heard of an intervention." However, ever heard of people not stopping permanently unless they want to? He said that he didn't understand what eye was doing. He did not understand what eye was afraid of.
Words pale in comparison to experience. And that is a big understatement. How words can express this eye do not know. But eye will make an attempt. Without "having been there," you cannot understand motivation. Without being in the midst of things, you cannot begin to comprehend fear. FUCK your "flu-like symptoms." An overview: Senses become "off." Anxiety, panic, not thinking straight. Sense systems, brain function, emotion, digestive system, and more deteriorate. Eye'll attempt to explain each one's descent separately, so it's not a succession of the entire process at once. Runny nose, watery eyes. Next, eyes water uncontrollably, snot leaks out of your nose. You may even drool, how fucking gross. (But, you don't know gross, yet!) Your stomach cramps, time for "#2'.) Frequent bowel movements make way to diarrhea which becomes unbelievably frequent "Hot brown rice water." You pee so often, you stop even having anything to drink. It doesn't really help. Stomach sourness becomes stomach acid which turns into constant nausea. Tickles in the back of your throat turn to gagging. Maybe you won't constantly throw up, perhaps you'll even projectile vomit all over yourself, even at the same time that you're on the toilet. It all depends on the person. Senses are uncomfortable and overwhelming. Colors don't look correct, the sun just coming in through the blinds may make you need to put on sunglasses inside. Sounds can be startling. You probably have a better sense of smell than a dog, and many of the scents are vomit-inducing. Touch is intensified, and some people even get turned on really easily because of it. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot and cold. You get "chicken skin," then maybe your skin begins to crawl. Your muscles twitch, which may eventually become full spasms. Headache and little pains eventually become "muscle and bone pain." And let's not forget all your "poke holes" hurting, reminding you of that which you cannot have, that which you cannot do. Anxiety goes to panic, goes to desperation, goes to maybe a semi-manic state, maybe horribly depressed, or some twisted mixture of a tornado of thoughts as you want to die. You cannot comprehend simple things, eventually maybe can barely think (except for of your misery.) The thoughts that spin around may be a little different for everyone, and there's too many of them to even list. You may hallucinate. You cannot sleep. Any tiny bits of sleep you may be blessed enough to receive are short-lived and filled with nightmares. Have you ever had a FLU from which you cannot escape through sleep? A flu where your senses go into overdrive? A fucking flu that makes you seriously contemplate ending your life, or thinking, "What can eye do to get myself killed before this gets worse?" And have you heard very frequently about a flu possibly shutting down (or indeed shutting down) someone's kidneys because of all their fluid lost from urine, sweat, mucus, tears, spit, vomit, and dysentery-style diarrhea after a couple of days? Eye didn't think so.
Eye think it's better to walk away than to attempt to force someone to quit.
And with all this, eye am not anti-heroin, but not really pro-addiction, either. it is what it is, and as Melody and eye were saying, the only drug problem you have is running out of drugs :) Yes, eye WAS warned by a couple of addicts/ex-addicts at the beginning of m'eye use and binge periods. However, the commonly-touted "flu-like symptom" shit, plus the mild withdrawal eye felt after long-binges, made me think that withdrawal isn't a big deal, people were just weak and whiny. Eye too had that stupid "it's all self-control" belief. It's so much more. But, as words are too flimsy to convey something to someone who's never lived it, so the misconceptions will remain. And into eternity, the non-user tells the addict they don't understand the reason they use, and what the fuck are they so scared of?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way
This morning - ugh! Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues. With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!" But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place." Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins." Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck. So, yeah.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
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