On Friday the 13th, after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially (highly likely) never-ending fiasco of shooting up, then attending to it, then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television, eye decided to check the phone. It was blowing up with "Inbox Full, Delete Messages." (Yes, quite old style of phone. No hipster shit here, m'eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real.) After sorting through them and returning phone calls, eye found out that m'eye ex best friend from back "home" (if it can be called such, eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that, and even m'eye connection to where eye spent m'eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving) Marty had died that day.
There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking. But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday. Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things. But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother. She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying. He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more. M'eye aunt does the same thing. Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story. But that was all eye expected.
So many conversations. So many people crying. No tears from me, asshole as eye may be. Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.) We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better. She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died. Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.) It was a little over a month before he'd be 28. But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously? On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day. He didn't. Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing. "That's dumb." It is dumb. He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple? He was in his second year of college. But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen. The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly. A bit empty. A bit offended. Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away. Maybe some regret? He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text. Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.) Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become. The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him. And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.
Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it. Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight. She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance." Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time. Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up. Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing. It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to? Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they. Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..." Don't think so. And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever. If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.
It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon." (Oh and eye was! 45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60. Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!" (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper? Oh - dinglehopper!" A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid. He took a picture too.)
It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common. But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened. And hadn't happened in a long time. But then again, maybe it isn't so weird. After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence. Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.
If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything. If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.
It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot. Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive. Like eye'm supposed to die too. Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence. Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone. And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart. With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why. There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small." But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself. But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.
It doesn't seem fair, but why would it? With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate. Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone. No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible. Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type. He wasn't, he was just lucky. The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.
No need to dwell, though. People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything? No. Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone. Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time. So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares? Create or destroy, do both, do neither. Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive." Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.
Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side. JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways. Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both. Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know. To everyone you know. You either accept it and move on, or you don't.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Monday, September 23, 2013
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A Post-Whore Kind of Day
The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password? AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense? Come on.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Squalor
Ugh, the morning. It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out. Read, and look. Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing. Wait. Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road. As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is. Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late. But how long will that be? Put something, somewhere. Put practically nothing, anywhere. And now, eye feel practically the same.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Back to the Swing of Things
Yeah it's been a while. Busy with school, then a lazy week of dope, Dilaudid, and sleeping pills, then school computers were closed as eye curled up sick in bed or ran around attempting to make money. Eye DID on and off keep up with most people's blogs, but cannot comment to them by phone, and if eye log into m'eye own blog on the phone, it shuts the stupid thing off.
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Threes
It's said that "bad things happen in threes." A couple of months ago, eye found out that m'eye boy kitty who lived at m'eye mom's had to be put down. Then Angel found out his good friend died previously this year. Eye got a fish on m'eye birthday, and it died. So... that's three, right? No more deaths, no more deaths, please. The love of m'eye life with her diminishing & returning health... slowly downward, it seemed, perhaps - eye'd figured some things out, starting to treat her, get her back on a good track. No fucking memorials to write at next year's Burning Man (eye have one EVERY year eye go.) WRONG.
On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor. Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up. Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway. So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel. Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done? Baby was under the bed. Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle. She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything. Saw blood on her leg. "That's coming from her leg, right? That's not coming from her ass, is it?" Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.
He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel. "It's coming from her ass," he said. FUCK. Not more wrong with her. She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks. She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever. She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior. And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth. And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection. She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well. She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.) She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off. This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior. She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming. But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me. She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox. She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in. Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes. Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her. Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.
Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl. Luabelle was on the bed with her. Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed. Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry. Eye petted her and held her paw. She purred. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.
Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.) About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.
When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner. Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position? Eye went to go move her legs again.
She was hard! Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset. Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back? Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"
"What?"
"She's dead!" He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down. He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it. Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail. He asked if eye wanted the whole tail. No! Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals. Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out. Eye did want to have her cloned. But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US. He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her. Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night. Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying. Certainly not studying. (The next day, the test made NO sense to me. Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her. Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her. But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)
When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating. Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days. Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home. He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out. When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful. Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound. When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on. So, eye want to have her cremated. But eye want the ashes, this time. Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.
Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000. Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him. She was the best present ever! She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes. She was 3-4 months old. Eye like to think that we had the same birthday. When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty. So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much. So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl. When he saw her, he said that it was me.
M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere! When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike. Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her. She purred so much, and licked. She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers. But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play! So kind & gentle. She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold. We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.) She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too. They had a lot of fun chasing each other around. One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating. Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did. She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too. She also tried to eat mushroom dust. She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all. Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her. She greeted me when eye came home. She spent lots of time on m'eye lap. She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person. She slept with me every night.
At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine. JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him. But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility. JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly. Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations. Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.) Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.) But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there! The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me! In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed. One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night. When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop. She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions.
After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month. Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half. Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle. M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left! In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room. Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.
Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too. (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!) Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens. Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time. Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty. We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine. We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe. They all loved each other. Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her. They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was. She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick. Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.) A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens! Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent. Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught. Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's. Marty lost his job while eye was in. Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.
After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates. In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates. As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time. Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time. But eye had been ready to go for so long! Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out. Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her. Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat. Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant. The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.) Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)
So then it was back to just the two babies. In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them. For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her. But then she accepted them pretty quickly. Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.) She was so adaptable. She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me. She was all grace, and elegance, and love.
So many regrets. What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans? (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that? And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.) What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of? (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.) Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin. Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on. Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state. Should have taken her to a vet every year. Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.) Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades. Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her. Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom. If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?
She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything. Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy. But that's not what happened. Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early. School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt. So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on." The semester isn't over until mid-December. So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc. But eye don't want to "function." Eye want to break down. Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.
On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor. Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up. Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway. So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel. Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done? Baby was under the bed. Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle. She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything. Saw blood on her leg. "That's coming from her leg, right? That's not coming from her ass, is it?" Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.
He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel. "It's coming from her ass," he said. FUCK. Not more wrong with her. She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks. She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever. She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior. And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth. And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection. She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well. She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.) She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off. This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior. She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming. But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me. She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox. She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in. Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes. Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her. Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.
Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl. Luabelle was on the bed with her. Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed. Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry. Eye petted her and held her paw. She purred. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.
Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.) About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.
When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner. Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position? Eye went to go move her legs again.
She was hard! Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset. Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back? Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"
"What?"
"She's dead!" He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down. He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it. Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail. He asked if eye wanted the whole tail. No! Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals. Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out. Eye did want to have her cloned. But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US. He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her. Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night. Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying. Certainly not studying. (The next day, the test made NO sense to me. Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her. Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her. But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)
When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating. Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days. Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home. He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out. When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful. Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound. When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on. So, eye want to have her cremated. But eye want the ashes, this time. Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.
Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000. Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him. She was the best present ever! She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes. She was 3-4 months old. Eye like to think that we had the same birthday. When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty. So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much. So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl. When he saw her, he said that it was me.
M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere! When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike. Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her. She purred so much, and licked. She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers. But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play! So kind & gentle. She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold. We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.) She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too. They had a lot of fun chasing each other around. One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating. Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did. She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too. She also tried to eat mushroom dust. She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all. Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her. She greeted me when eye came home. She spent lots of time on m'eye lap. She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person. She slept with me every night.
At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine. JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him. But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility. JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly. Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations. Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.) Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.) But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there! The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me! In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed. One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night. When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop. She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions.
After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month. Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half. Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle. M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left! In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room. Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.
Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too. (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!) Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens. Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time. Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty. We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine. We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe. They all loved each other. Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her. They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was. She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick. Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.) A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens! Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent. Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught. Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's. Marty lost his job while eye was in. Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.
After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates. In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates. As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time. Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time. But eye had been ready to go for so long! Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out. Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her. Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat. Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant. The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.) Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)
So then it was back to just the two babies. In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them. For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her. But then she accepted them pretty quickly. Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.) She was so adaptable. She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me. She was all grace, and elegance, and love.
So many regrets. What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans? (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that? And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.) What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of? (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.) Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin. Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on. Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state. Should have taken her to a vet every year. Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.) Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades. Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her. Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom. If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?
She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything. Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy. But that's not what happened. Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early. School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt. So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on." The semester isn't over until mid-December. So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc. But eye don't want to "function." Eye want to break down. Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way
This morning - ugh! Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues. With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!" But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place." Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins." Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck. So, yeah.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
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