On Friday the 13th, after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially (highly likely) never-ending fiasco of shooting up, then attending to it, then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television, eye decided to check the phone. It was blowing up with "Inbox Full, Delete Messages." (Yes, quite old style of phone. No hipster shit here, m'eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real.) After sorting through them and returning phone calls, eye found out that m'eye ex best friend from back "home" (if it can be called such, eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that, and even m'eye connection to where eye spent m'eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving) Marty had died that day.
There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking. But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday. Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things. But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother. She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying. He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more. M'eye aunt does the same thing. Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story. But that was all eye expected.
So many conversations. So many people crying. No tears from me, asshole as eye may be. Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.) We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better. She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died. Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.) It was a little over a month before he'd be 28. But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously? On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day. He didn't. Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing. "That's dumb." It is dumb. He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple? He was in his second year of college. But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen. The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly. A bit empty. A bit offended. Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away. Maybe some regret? He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text. Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.) Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become. The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him. And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.
Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it. Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight. She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance." Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time. Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up. Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing. It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to? Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they. Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..." Don't think so. And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever. If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.
It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon." (Oh and eye was! 45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60. Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!" (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper? Oh - dinglehopper!" A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid. He took a picture too.)
It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common. But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened. And hadn't happened in a long time. But then again, maybe it isn't so weird. After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence. Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.
If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything. If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.
It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot. Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive. Like eye'm supposed to die too. Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence. Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone. And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart. With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why. There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small." But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself. But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.
It doesn't seem fair, but why would it? With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate. Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone. No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible. Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type. He wasn't, he was just lucky. The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.
No need to dwell, though. People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything? No. Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone. Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time. So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares? Create or destroy, do both, do neither. Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive." Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.
Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side. JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways. Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both. Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know. To everyone you know. You either accept it and move on, or you don't.
Showing posts with label ketamine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ketamine. Show all posts
Monday, September 23, 2013
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Love & Addiction, Paired
People say that love is like an addiction. Eye suppose so!
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Threes
It's said that "bad things happen in threes." A couple of months ago, eye found out that m'eye boy kitty who lived at m'eye mom's had to be put down. Then Angel found out his good friend died previously this year. Eye got a fish on m'eye birthday, and it died. So... that's three, right? No more deaths, no more deaths, please. The love of m'eye life with her diminishing & returning health... slowly downward, it seemed, perhaps - eye'd figured some things out, starting to treat her, get her back on a good track. No fucking memorials to write at next year's Burning Man (eye have one EVERY year eye go.) WRONG.
On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor. Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up. Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway. So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel. Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done? Baby was under the bed. Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle. She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything. Saw blood on her leg. "That's coming from her leg, right? That's not coming from her ass, is it?" Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.
He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel. "It's coming from her ass," he said. FUCK. Not more wrong with her. She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks. She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever. She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior. And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth. And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection. She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well. She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.) She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off. This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior. She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming. But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me. She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox. She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in. Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes. Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her. Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.
Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl. Luabelle was on the bed with her. Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed. Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry. Eye petted her and held her paw. She purred. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.
Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.) About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.
When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner. Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position? Eye went to go move her legs again.
She was hard! Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset. Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back? Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"
"What?"
"She's dead!" He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down. He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it. Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail. He asked if eye wanted the whole tail. No! Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals. Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out. Eye did want to have her cloned. But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US. He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her. Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night. Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying. Certainly not studying. (The next day, the test made NO sense to me. Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her. Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her. But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)
When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating. Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days. Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home. He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out. When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful. Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound. When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on. So, eye want to have her cremated. But eye want the ashes, this time. Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.
Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000. Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him. She was the best present ever! She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes. She was 3-4 months old. Eye like to think that we had the same birthday. When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty. So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much. So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl. When he saw her, he said that it was me.
M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere! When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike. Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her. She purred so much, and licked. She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers. But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play! So kind & gentle. She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold. We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.) She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too. They had a lot of fun chasing each other around. One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating. Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did. She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too. She also tried to eat mushroom dust. She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all. Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her. She greeted me when eye came home. She spent lots of time on m'eye lap. She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person. She slept with me every night.
At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine. JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him. But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility. JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly. Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations. Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.) Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.) But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there! The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me! In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed. One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night. When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop. She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions.
After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month. Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half. Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle. M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left! In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room. Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.
Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too. (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!) Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens. Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time. Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty. We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine. We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe. They all loved each other. Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her. They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was. She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick. Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.) A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens! Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent. Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught. Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's. Marty lost his job while eye was in. Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.
After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates. In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates. As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time. Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time. But eye had been ready to go for so long! Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out. Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her. Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat. Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant. The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.) Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)
So then it was back to just the two babies. In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them. For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her. But then she accepted them pretty quickly. Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.) She was so adaptable. She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me. She was all grace, and elegance, and love.
So many regrets. What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans? (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that? And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.) What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of? (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.) Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin. Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on. Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state. Should have taken her to a vet every year. Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.) Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades. Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her. Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom. If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?
She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything. Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy. But that's not what happened. Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early. School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt. So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on." The semester isn't over until mid-December. So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc. But eye don't want to "function." Eye want to break down. Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.
On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor. Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up. Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway. So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel. Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done? Baby was under the bed. Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle. She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything. Saw blood on her leg. "That's coming from her leg, right? That's not coming from her ass, is it?" Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.
He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel. "It's coming from her ass," he said. FUCK. Not more wrong with her. She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks. She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever. She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior. And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth. And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection. She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well. She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.) She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off. This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior. She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming. But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me. She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox. She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in. Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes. Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her. Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.
Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl. Luabelle was on the bed with her. Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed. Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry. Eye petted her and held her paw. She purred. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.
Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.) About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.
When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner. Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position? Eye went to go move her legs again.
She was hard! Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset. Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back? Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"
"What?"
"She's dead!" He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down. He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it. Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail. He asked if eye wanted the whole tail. No! Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals. Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out. Eye did want to have her cloned. But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US. He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her. Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night. Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying. Certainly not studying. (The next day, the test made NO sense to me. Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her. Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her. But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)
When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating. Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days. Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home. He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out. When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful. Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound. When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on. So, eye want to have her cremated. But eye want the ashes, this time. Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.
Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000. Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him. She was the best present ever! She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes. She was 3-4 months old. Eye like to think that we had the same birthday. When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty. So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much. So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl. When he saw her, he said that it was me.
M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere! When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike. Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her. She purred so much, and licked. She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers. But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play! So kind & gentle. She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold. We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.) She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too. They had a lot of fun chasing each other around. One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating. Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did. She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too. She also tried to eat mushroom dust. She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all. Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her. She greeted me when eye came home. She spent lots of time on m'eye lap. She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person. She slept with me every night.
At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine. JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him. But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility. JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly. Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations. Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.) Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.) But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there! The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me! In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed. One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night. When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop. She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions.
After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month. Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half. Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle. M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left! In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room. Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.
Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too. (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!) Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens. Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time. Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty. We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine. We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe. They all loved each other. Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her. They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was. She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick. Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.) A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens! Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent. Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught. Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's. Marty lost his job while eye was in. Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.
After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates. In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates. As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time. Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time. But eye had been ready to go for so long! Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out. Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her. Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat. Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant. The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.) Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)
So then it was back to just the two babies. In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them. For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her. But then she accepted them pretty quickly. Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.) She was so adaptable. She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me. She was all grace, and elegance, and love.
So many regrets. What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans? (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that? And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.) What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of? (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.) Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin. Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on. Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state. Should have taken her to a vet every year. Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.) Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades. Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her. Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom. If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?
She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything. Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy. But that's not what happened. Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early. School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt. So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on." The semester isn't over until mid-December. So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc. But eye don't want to "function." Eye want to break down. Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.
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