Ok, so a couple of days turned into nearly a couple of weeks. Go figure.
The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks. They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks. Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away. They had not yet been de-feathered. Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me. Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down. Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive. So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering! The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death. Eye was horrified. Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment. It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.
There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills. Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does. He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money. However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day. So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned. Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.
Today eye checked on grades. Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not. There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else. However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly.
Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something. It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing. The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else. Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up." So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people. And they probably think that they're getting "high on life."
Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while. However, it was hotter inside than outside. Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house. it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house. As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot. For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.
Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever. She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times. These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws. However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable. She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to. Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.
Showing posts with label cats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cats. Show all posts
Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Awful
Eye recently learned that an ex-boyfriend of a good friend got arrested for breaking into a warehouse, skinning and eating a cat, and then wearing the tail as a necklace! His excuse was "just getting out of jail and being homeless and hungry." Horrifying, absolutely the worst. Eye thought it was bad when an ex-roommate went and shot his sleeping father and burned down the house, back in the fall of 2008. (Neither of these people are into heroin, by the way.) But this cat occurance, to me, is much, much worse than the guy shooting the father who abused him on a couple of occasions. What can eye say? Eye have more of a soft spot for animals than people. And, of course, the ex-girlfriend is busy defending him to anyone who's heated about this event - whether they are just horrified or if they are making fun of him... Eye seem to remember him treating her not too well, and she's been with someone new for over a year, so why she feels the need to stand up for him, eye haven't a clue and don't understand. Oh, the winners with whom eye am acquainted!
Monday, October 31, 2011
October is for Death
October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine. Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.) He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule. Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him. As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar. As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend. We planned to call each other that weekend.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Love & Addiction, Paired
People say that love is like an addiction. Eye suppose so!
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Ballsack
Last night, eye woke up to use the restroom. When eye came out, eye saw Luabelle following me. Eye went into the kitchen for ice cream. She stood in the doorway. After a few spoonfuls, eye put it back in the freezer. Then, eye couldn't find her! Eye went back to the bedroom, the door was only open about an inch, just like eye'd left it. And the cat was on the bed. She'd never left. Eye haven't had a random hallucination in a long time. The last one was in the spring - after eye woke up, a glittery raver girl came into the bedroom & asked if eye wanted to go out, told me to get ready, then she exited for the living room. Eye got dressed and went out there, only to find a dark room with no one in it. Funny that eye believed it was real and didn't question the whole situation, considering it was a stranger and everything...
SO not doing well on that "not spending money" thing today. Angel packed me an orange. But eye decided to go get a bagel with the "$1 Tuesdays" coupon. After that, decided to get coffee, if the line wasn't long (it usually is.) It wasn't. Then eye decided that they had to take m'eye order within 2 minutes or eye'd leave, and took out the phone stopwatch. No, now they had one minute. The cashier called me at 58 and a half seconds. This needs to stop, considering, though eye have rent, cell phone, and bus passes taken care of through January, and if Angel pays me back - something else through mid-November... eye have $1518.67 to pay for our "Cox Bundle" (home phone, cable, and internet), electricity, and the other issue, until next semester starts.
Whenever Spanish class starts, eye usually feel lost until eye re-review the previous lesson. It's really annoying, in the way that eye feel stupid. We have a test and homework due on Monday. Eye also have to meet with a group from another class on Saturday, for our group project. They want to "go over what articles we've found." And, eye've found nothing so far, considering eye haven't even looked!
Steve has STILL not brought back Baby's body. Eye really hope that he actually did what he said he was going to do - can't bear the thought of her in a landfill. Last night, eye had a dream that she came to visit me as a ghost. Eye got to carry her around & hang out. It was very disappointing to wake up.
SO not doing well on that "not spending money" thing today. Angel packed me an orange. But eye decided to go get a bagel with the "$1 Tuesdays" coupon. After that, decided to get coffee, if the line wasn't long (it usually is.) It wasn't. Then eye decided that they had to take m'eye order within 2 minutes or eye'd leave, and took out the phone stopwatch. No, now they had one minute. The cashier called me at 58 and a half seconds. This needs to stop, considering, though eye have rent, cell phone, and bus passes taken care of through January, and if Angel pays me back - something else through mid-November... eye have $1518.67 to pay for our "Cox Bundle" (home phone, cable, and internet), electricity, and the other issue, until next semester starts.
Whenever Spanish class starts, eye usually feel lost until eye re-review the previous lesson. It's really annoying, in the way that eye feel stupid. We have a test and homework due on Monday. Eye also have to meet with a group from another class on Saturday, for our group project. They want to "go over what articles we've found." And, eye've found nothing so far, considering eye haven't even looked!
Steve has STILL not brought back Baby's body. Eye really hope that he actually did what he said he was going to do - can't bear the thought of her in a landfill. Last night, eye had a dream that she came to visit me as a ghost. Eye got to carry her around & hang out. It was very disappointing to wake up.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Habits
Eye stupidly decided to "play lazy" and watch stupid television shows all weekend, putting off studying to the last minute. Procrastination is a common theme throughout m'eye life.
Eye am currently working on extinguishing "triggers" - feeling the need to go shoot up when certain circumstances occur. These include - boredom, seeing someone else shoot up in person or in a movie, seeing needles on TV or in movies, something upsetting me, having certain people come over to the house, right after coming home from shopping or school or whatever, right after buying drugs, and "too much talking" about heroin. Eye have been pretty sucessful at this so far, as eye work toward the goal of only doing "extra" every three days. Originally, it was going to be every other day, as that's what was affordable from what eye bought. However, Angel suggested that eye change it to every three, just to make sure the stuff lasts as long as possible. Eye have come up with another reason - if eye continually do extra every other day, eye will eventually build up a tolerance, which will increase the daily need. Eye suppose that getting over the circumstantial compulsive use would be important if eye ever decided to quit. However, right now, it's just to ensure that supply lasts as long as it needs to. (Now, if only eye could make sure Angel bought his own, instead of "running up a tab" with me, this could definitely happen. Eye'm going to have to break into "month 2" over a week early, a little bit because eye did extra on a daily basis for more than the first week, but mostly, because he's also doing at least the same amount that eye am, every day. Thing is - he has money, he's just too lazy to go to the ATM and is being such a weenie about "Why wait for 30 minutes when it's right here?" Maybe to ensure you keep the connect, considering the periodic phone number changes.)
Eye am also working on stopping spending money as if eye have an endless supply of it. Eye'll need to actually start working, first, which may be impossible until the semester is over. Eye'm improving, for sure, but really need to get the spending down to zero, excluding essential items.
What eye have improved upon, ever since eye was able to purchase m'eye own cigarettes, is how much eye smoke, when the amount is completely up to me. Eye used to fill m'eye container with 21 cigarettes, whenever eye left the house. Now, eye take only four. Eye could still improve how much eye smoke at home, but am no longer a smokestack.
Yesterday, our friend Steve came by. Previously, we discussed Baby and cremation. He said that he had a friend who works at the pound, and he could get it done for me for free, and still keep her ashes. He took her and dropped her off last night. Eye truly hope that he really did it, and she's not just in a dumpster somewhere. (Eye checked trash cans and dumpsters in the area last night due to this paranoia, about 20 minutes after he left.) Eye was actually initially more concerned about him "getting distracted" on the way - he is a tweeker with many social ties, after all. But, last night, eye saw him headed in the direction of the pound, which is not in the direction of his house, and is a mile away, then eye saw him about an hour later, and he said that he had dropped her off, and would get the ashes to me tomorrow. Eye'm hoping for the best, the paranoid thought of her body left somewhere is so disrespectful and horrifying, although he doesn't really have a reason to do that to her. But, all Luabelle's meowing yesterday, especially since it occurred with greater frequency after Baby's remains were taken away out of the freezer, and stuff Angel has said, it just has m'eye head spinning.
Eye kept clippings from Baby's tail. Last night, eye took the plastic bag of clippings into the living room. Eye petted the fur. Eye let Luabelle smell them, and then she licked them, then rubbed her face on the bag. Next, she took the bag in her teeth and tried to take it away from me! She's so lonely. She started sleeping next to Angel when eye leave the house, she hasn't slept by him in quite a long time. She also curled under the covers with me a couple of nights ago, like Baby used to when it was cold, and Luabelle rarely does. She's also letting me hold her paw, like Baby did, and Luabelle never has before. Every night, she stands next to m'eye head and makes me pet her. She follows me, hangs out, and lays on me, pretty much constantly, instead of frequently. Eye miss Baby so much, but can't afford to fall apart until the semester ends.
Well, it's time to end the procrastination and get on to getting m'eye notes and studying. Tomorrow's test is worth a third of m'eye grade.
Eye am currently working on extinguishing "triggers" - feeling the need to go shoot up when certain circumstances occur. These include - boredom, seeing someone else shoot up in person or in a movie, seeing needles on TV or in movies, something upsetting me, having certain people come over to the house, right after coming home from shopping or school or whatever, right after buying drugs, and "too much talking" about heroin. Eye have been pretty sucessful at this so far, as eye work toward the goal of only doing "extra" every three days. Originally, it was going to be every other day, as that's what was affordable from what eye bought. However, Angel suggested that eye change it to every three, just to make sure the stuff lasts as long as possible. Eye have come up with another reason - if eye continually do extra every other day, eye will eventually build up a tolerance, which will increase the daily need. Eye suppose that getting over the circumstantial compulsive use would be important if eye ever decided to quit. However, right now, it's just to ensure that supply lasts as long as it needs to. (Now, if only eye could make sure Angel bought his own, instead of "running up a tab" with me, this could definitely happen. Eye'm going to have to break into "month 2" over a week early, a little bit because eye did extra on a daily basis for more than the first week, but mostly, because he's also doing at least the same amount that eye am, every day. Thing is - he has money, he's just too lazy to go to the ATM and is being such a weenie about "Why wait for 30 minutes when it's right here?" Maybe to ensure you keep the connect, considering the periodic phone number changes.)
Eye am also working on stopping spending money as if eye have an endless supply of it. Eye'll need to actually start working, first, which may be impossible until the semester is over. Eye'm improving, for sure, but really need to get the spending down to zero, excluding essential items.
What eye have improved upon, ever since eye was able to purchase m'eye own cigarettes, is how much eye smoke, when the amount is completely up to me. Eye used to fill m'eye container with 21 cigarettes, whenever eye left the house. Now, eye take only four. Eye could still improve how much eye smoke at home, but am no longer a smokestack.
Yesterday, our friend Steve came by. Previously, we discussed Baby and cremation. He said that he had a friend who works at the pound, and he could get it done for me for free, and still keep her ashes. He took her and dropped her off last night. Eye truly hope that he really did it, and she's not just in a dumpster somewhere. (Eye checked trash cans and dumpsters in the area last night due to this paranoia, about 20 minutes after he left.) Eye was actually initially more concerned about him "getting distracted" on the way - he is a tweeker with many social ties, after all. But, last night, eye saw him headed in the direction of the pound, which is not in the direction of his house, and is a mile away, then eye saw him about an hour later, and he said that he had dropped her off, and would get the ashes to me tomorrow. Eye'm hoping for the best, the paranoid thought of her body left somewhere is so disrespectful and horrifying, although he doesn't really have a reason to do that to her. But, all Luabelle's meowing yesterday, especially since it occurred with greater frequency after Baby's remains were taken away out of the freezer, and stuff Angel has said, it just has m'eye head spinning.
Eye kept clippings from Baby's tail. Last night, eye took the plastic bag of clippings into the living room. Eye petted the fur. Eye let Luabelle smell them, and then she licked them, then rubbed her face on the bag. Next, she took the bag in her teeth and tried to take it away from me! She's so lonely. She started sleeping next to Angel when eye leave the house, she hasn't slept by him in quite a long time. She also curled under the covers with me a couple of nights ago, like Baby used to when it was cold, and Luabelle rarely does. She's also letting me hold her paw, like Baby did, and Luabelle never has before. Every night, she stands next to m'eye head and makes me pet her. She follows me, hangs out, and lays on me, pretty much constantly, instead of frequently. Eye miss Baby so much, but can't afford to fall apart until the semester ends.
Well, it's time to end the procrastination and get on to getting m'eye notes and studying. Tomorrow's test is worth a third of m'eye grade.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Threes
It's said that "bad things happen in threes." A couple of months ago, eye found out that m'eye boy kitty who lived at m'eye mom's had to be put down. Then Angel found out his good friend died previously this year. Eye got a fish on m'eye birthday, and it died. So... that's three, right? No more deaths, no more deaths, please. The love of m'eye life with her diminishing & returning health... slowly downward, it seemed, perhaps - eye'd figured some things out, starting to treat her, get her back on a good track. No fucking memorials to write at next year's Burning Man (eye have one EVERY year eye go.) WRONG.
On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor. Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up. Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway. So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel. Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done? Baby was under the bed. Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle. She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything. Saw blood on her leg. "That's coming from her leg, right? That's not coming from her ass, is it?" Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.
He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel. "It's coming from her ass," he said. FUCK. Not more wrong with her. She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks. She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever. She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior. And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth. And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection. She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well. She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.) She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off. This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior. She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming. But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me. She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox. She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in. Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes. Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her. Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.
Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl. Luabelle was on the bed with her. Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed. Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry. Eye petted her and held her paw. She purred. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.
Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.) About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.
When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner. Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position? Eye went to go move her legs again.
She was hard! Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset. Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back? Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"
"What?"
"She's dead!" He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down. He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it. Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail. He asked if eye wanted the whole tail. No! Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals. Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out. Eye did want to have her cloned. But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US. He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her. Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night. Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying. Certainly not studying. (The next day, the test made NO sense to me. Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her. Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her. But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)
When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating. Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days. Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home. He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out. When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful. Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound. When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on. So, eye want to have her cremated. But eye want the ashes, this time. Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.
Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000. Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him. She was the best present ever! She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes. She was 3-4 months old. Eye like to think that we had the same birthday. When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty. So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much. So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl. When he saw her, he said that it was me.
M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere! When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike. Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her. She purred so much, and licked. She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers. But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play! So kind & gentle. She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold. We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.) She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too. They had a lot of fun chasing each other around. One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating. Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did. She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too. She also tried to eat mushroom dust. She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all. Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her. She greeted me when eye came home. She spent lots of time on m'eye lap. She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person. She slept with me every night.
At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine. JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him. But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility. JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly. Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations. Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.) Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.) But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there! The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me! In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed. One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night. When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop. She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions.
After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month. Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half. Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle. M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left! In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room. Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.
Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too. (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!) Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens. Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time. Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty. We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine. We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe. They all loved each other. Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her. They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was. She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick. Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.) A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens! Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent. Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught. Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's. Marty lost his job while eye was in. Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.
After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates. In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates. As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time. Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time. But eye had been ready to go for so long! Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out. Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her. Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat. Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant. The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.) Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)
So then it was back to just the two babies. In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them. For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her. But then she accepted them pretty quickly. Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.) She was so adaptable. She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me. She was all grace, and elegance, and love.
So many regrets. What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans? (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that? And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.) What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of? (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.) Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin. Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on. Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state. Should have taken her to a vet every year. Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.) Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades. Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her. Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom. If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?
She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything. Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy. But that's not what happened. Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early. School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt. So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on." The semester isn't over until mid-December. So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc. But eye don't want to "function." Eye want to break down. Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.
On Sunday evening, eye saw blood on the kitchen floor. Eye mentioned it to Angel and cleaned it up. Then saw a large drop (about a third or less the size of the original blood spot) headed toward the hallway. So, eye went into m'eye bedroom, to look for Baby, with a paper towel. Had Luabelle scratched her, again - this time much more seriously than she's ever done? Baby was under the bed. Eye picked her up and put her on the bed, and laid her on her right side, tail toward the side of the bed, head on the middle. She purred. Eye looked under her tail, didn't really see anything. Saw blood on her leg. "That's coming from her leg, right? That's not coming from her ass, is it?" Eye headed toward the kitchen as Angel investigated, he now possessed the paper towel.
He came into the kitchen holding what looked like a clump of blood in the paper towel. "It's coming from her ass," he said. FUCK. Not more wrong with her. She had been losing weight over the course of the last six to eight weeks. She seemed to be eating less (but Angel said he saw her eating just as much as ever. She also begged like she was absolutlely starving whenever she knew we were eating "human food" - and would even eat things like broccoli in chinese food sauce-stuck her head right in m'eye bowl and ate it!) Her constipation issues had become worse throughout the last year, getting more frequent, getting more sensitive to foods, the bouts being worse - eye'd just treated her from her last bout around a month prior. And in the last couple of days, this gravel-sound in her mouth after she ate - which meant broken teeth. And near the broken teeth, eye think, she was developing a mouth infection. She'd been having sneezing fits for a couple of days, as well. She had two seizures in the last year (had never had any others that eye saw in her lifetime.) She sometimes had problems jumping onto the kitchen chairs, and would slip back off. This is what eye suspect caused a sprained arm a few weeks prior. She had periods of days or weeks this year where she would just hide and stick to herself, at times ignoring grooming. But then she'd bounce back to acting normal, being active, following me. She also became incredibly finicky with the litterbox. She'd been finicky for quite a while, but now, for the most part, only seemed to use it right after it had been SCRUBBED OUT with new litter put in. Eye suspected arthritis, eye suspected diabetes. Eye'd started feeding her canned food in attempt to put weight on her. Eye planned to start "vet-shopping" the next day, had started looking at prices online.
Eye entered m'eye room back to m'eye girl. Luabelle was on the bed with her. Oh baby! Her back legs were kind of hanging off the bed. Eye pushed them up under her a little better. Eye told her that eye was sorry. Eye petted her and held her paw. She purred. Eye whispered in her ear that eye knew she wasn't doing ok & hadn't been feeling well, and that she could "go" if she needed to.
Eye returned to studying for m'eye "physiology of behavior" class, started reading the book, going over the notes of the classes eye've been to, taking notes as eye went, considering eye missed the first two weeks of school, thinking that eye wasn't even enrolled (eye was told eye couldn't, and the internet showed no financial aid the friday morning before school started.) About three hours in, eye decided to check on Baby.
When eye walked through the doorway, eye saw her legs were hanging off the bed in what looked to be an uncomfortable manner. Wh'eye had she gotten herself back in that position? Eye went to go move her legs again.
She was hard! Eye was shocked, horrified, traumatized, upset. Right now coming to life, the horrible head-image that's haunted me for a while, made me afraid to leave the house because what if she wasn't alive when eye came back? Went toward the hallway and called to Angel, "She's dead!"
"What?"
"She's dead!" He came into the room, eye told him what had happened, eye broke down. He told me to leave the room so that he could take care of it. Eye asked him to cut off some fur from her tail. He asked if eye wanted the whole tail. No! Eye'm not one to keep "Stuffed" dead animals. Much as eye want her around forever, that creeps me out. Eye did want to have her cloned. But don't know how eye'd go about "keeping" her blood, plus that's no longer legal in the US. He wrapped her in a bag, and put her in the freezer, said we'd keep her there til we could bury her. Eye couldn't even go in the freezer for food the rest of the night. Eye spent the rest of the night texting people, on the phone, or telling people online what had happened, crying. Certainly not studying. (The next day, the test made NO sense to me. Afterward, eye spent half an hour crying in the bathroom over pictures of her. Then went outside to quickly falling, fat raindrops. It was for her. But there weren't enough tears in the sky for how eye feel.)
When m'eye cat Eyeball died, eye was going to bury him. It was a similar situation, except he'd only recently developed problems - with urinating. Eye took him to the vet, they flushed his kidneys/urinary tract (it was blocked) and they suggested keeping him there 5 days. Eye could NOT afford the $1200, so took him home. He laid on m'eye floor & eye went downstairs to hang out. When eye returned later that night, it was to a hard body with eyes glazed over... so awful. Anyhow, when eye could not penetrate the rock-hard desert ground more than a few inches on the side of the house, eye took him to the pound. When eye later told m'eye Hopi neighbor about it, she said it was good that eye didn't bury him, or the animal's spirit would remain trapped near where his body rested, unable to move on. So, eye want to have her cremated. But eye want the ashes, this time. Eye'm still in the process of figuring out which company's services eye'm going to use.
Baby - eye got her as a Christmas present from JJ, m'eye best friend and roommate at the time, in 2000. Eye'd returned home from Christmas with m'eye family to a present from him. She was the best present ever! She was a flame point siamese/color point shorthair with beautiful big deep blue eyes. She was 3-4 months old. Eye like to think that we had the same birthday. When eye moved out of m'eye mom's house, she wouldn't let me take m'eye boy kitty. So eye used to put pictures of him around m'eye bed, and would cry because eye missed him so much. So, JJ decided to look at the animal shelter, where he snatched up one of a litter of what had originally been 4, now there were 2 - an identical boy and girl. When he saw her, he said that it was me.
M'eye baby followed me everywhere, everywhere! When m'eye mom came to give her shots, she said that we were alike. Eye used to stay home from partying to be with her. She purred so much, and licked. She had the most beautiful high-pitched meow and the cutest silent meow. She would play with m'eye feet under the covers. But when not covered by a blanket, she NEVER bit or scratched me, not even to play! So kind & gentle. She used to lay under the blanket with me when it was cold. We moved playing with each other when eye was on acid, after all - the cat toys were fun for me too, with the tracers & colors following after its movement.) She got a buddy when JJ decided to get a cat, too. They had a lot of fun chasing each other around. One night, eye was cutting up a sheet of acid & eye was sweating. Eye hadn't intended on tripping, but eye sure did. She ended up walking across the damn sheet & may have gotten some in her, too. She also tried to eat mushroom dust. She was just interested in whatever eye was doing, wanted a part of it all. Eye used to get chicken breasts and cook them up just for her. She greeted me when eye came home. She spent lots of time on m'eye lap. She'd also crawl into the laps of some other people on their first meeting, which eye always took as a good sign about that person. She slept with me every night.
At some point, eye ended up getting into methamphetamine. JJ was Extremely against tweekers, so eye spent more & more time away from home, to avoid him. But in doing this, eye abandoned her to become JJ and his boyfriend's responsibility. JJ once told me that whenever eye left the house, she would cry & look for me endlessly. Eye felt so guilty, but eye couldn't be around him & his accusations. Whenever eye came home and went to bed, she'd lay right on top of me, trying to hold me down, to keep me there (eye don't like to move when kitty's on me, and rarely will eye move kitty from a spot, even if eye want to sit there.) Eventually, he moved out (& the fucker tattled to my mom that eye was on meth.) But, now eye got to be home with my baby, and boy was eye glad to be there! The only bad thing, is that meant she was around meth smoke - not like she was going to avoid it - she wanted to lay on me! In the period of time eye was tweeking, eye became suicidally depressed. One night, when eye planned to slit m'eye wrist, Baby slept on m'eye hand all night. When eye was cutting myself, she'd open the bathroom door (she knew how to push the handles to get through doors!) and cry at me to stop. She was so incredibly in tune with m'eye emotions.
After that place didn't work out with roommates and the lease was up, eye lived in two different places for the next month. Eye then moved back into m'eye mom's for a year and a half. Eye got her a new buddy - Luabelle. M'eye mom had to change the door handle to a door knob because Baby would let them both out of m'eye room to explore the house whenever eye left! In this time, she met m'eye boy kitty, bc when Baby would open the door, he would want to go in, since it was m'eye room. Well, they seemed to like each other, which was wonderful.
Eye moved back out, and had periods of time living alone, and periods of time people lived with me, and they had their cats, too. (Oh, & once when eye was making DXM capsules, she stuck her nose in the powder! Eye cleaned it off, but damage done - she started tripping, it seems!) Around the time the last roommate moved out, eye got Eyeball from JJ's litter of kittens. Then eye moved into a house with Marty, m'eye best friend at the time. Eye ended up getting him his very own baby kitty. We had many heavy psychedelic experiences there, acid, dxm, DIPT, ketamine. We decided that Baby was a goddess from the mountaintops of Asia, Luabelle was a jungle goddess from the Amazon, and that his kitty was from Europe. They all loved each other. Baby met lots of our friends, and they loved her. They agreed that she was a goddess from Asia, said how pretty she was. She liked to lay with people, stare deep into their eyes, purr, lick. Eyeball died (which was HORRIBLE to Marty's baby - they were best friends), a mom & kitten moved into the house (the mom was Mamba "from Africa," we decided.) A month after the passing of Eyeball, she gave birth to a rainbow litter of 7 kittens! Around the same time, since eye'd lost m'eye job due to Eyeball's death, eye had to do some illegal-immigrant smuggling to come up with rent. Unfortunately, on the second run, eye was caught. Prison sentence, m'eye cats back to mom's. Marty lost his job while eye was in. Eye almost lost the house, but managed to arrange enough money to keep it.
After coming back, after a couple of months, eye had a full house of people, and had some rotating roommates. In addition to Marty & m'eye cats, were other cats that belonged to various roommates. As soon as eye could, as eye'd been planning a while, eye moved to Vegas, with a boyfriend who was relatively new to me at the time. Eye was a little pissed that Tanner & Marty had given up the dream of coming with me, at least at the time. But eye had been ready to go for so long! Marty's cat stayed with us until eye got a semi-rescue kitten (boss would have taken to pound otherwise) and the landlord raised hell about *too many cats* & told me if he saw all those cats again, we'd be thrown out. Eye wanted to hide the new baby Mel, but found a neighbor a few doors down who'd take her. Angel & eye told her that we'd go 3 ways in on getting her spayed, since she was a horny little thing too frequently cycling into heat. Well, unfortunately, she never took us up on it - and Mel had gotten pregnant. The lady dumped them on our doorstep in a cage at 4 in the morning one day, screaming about giving her a pregnant cat (and if the bitch had let me SEE Mel like eye'd wanted in the prior 6 weeks, eye could have told her that & we could have taken care of it.) Angel called Aunt Patty to have her take them all to the pound, didn't give me time to find them a new place (& found out a week later that another neighbor would have taken them all!)
So then it was back to just the two babies. In all this coming and going of cats, Baby never got territorial or lashed out at them. For a couple of days, she would just growl at the little intruder IF they got too close to her. But then she accepted them pretty quickly. Luabelle, on the other hand, is a raging cunt to other cats, liked to sometimes swat at Baby, chase her, and even has left long scratches on Baby's neck (which strangely sort of corresponded to the track-mark scars on m'eye own neck.) She was so adaptable. She trusted me completely, she'd stay to let me clip her claws even though she hated it, stayed put on the couple of occasions she had to be given a bath, hated to take medicine when she had to, but wouldn't hold it against me. She was all grace, and elegance, and love.
So many regrets. What if eye'd taken her to the vet RIGHT when eye got m'eye student loans? (But the mouth infection was VERY recently acquired, & what if it was blood poisoning from that? And what the HELL causes a cat's teeth to randomly break, anyway? - looks like it was 2 front teeth.) What if long ago eye'd gotten online and found out about where you can appl'eye for financial help to get a pet's medical needs taken care of? (Eye found sites for this about a week before she died.) Eye should have started giving her canned food as soon as Angel said she was getting thin. Eye shouldn't have given her anything with ANY dairy in it, much as she cried for it, because it could lead to constipation, depending on the "lightness" of the dairy - a tiny bit of cheese would do it EVERY time, a bit of light ice cream may not - though she was becoming more&more sensitive as time went on. Eye should have kept m'eye pet insurance, even after leaving that job&that state. Should have taken her to a vet every year. Should have never handled drugs around her (though that would have taken locking her out of the room, as she wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING eye did.) Never left her alone & gone on m'eye tweek escapades. Never smoked meth or cigarettes around her. Maybe should have put her down when her health went on this decline/improve/decline thing, where it slowly was getting worse, and Angel kept saying she was going to die soon? And that Sunday night, eye should have studied in the bedroom. If some part of me knew enough to give her permission to go, why, why, why didn't eye stay there, holding her paw through her last breath?
She was all the good in me, and much of the time the only one who meant anything to me, and she meant everything. Eye always wanted us to die on the same day, her first - so she'd never had to have been without her mommy. But that's not what happened. Eye cannot financially afford a drug-suicide attempt, because, as it will probably not work, eye'll run out of drugs too early. School-wise, eye cannot afford to miss classes from some other botched type of attempt. So, here eye have to "keep on keeping on." The semester isn't over until mid-December. So eye must function, treat school as m'eye job, be careful with spending, etc. But eye don't want to "function." Eye want to break down. Eye want to be the mess of emotions eye try so hard to suppress, eye want to crumble into the pieces of m'eye broken heart, eye want to be the nothing that eye am without her.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way
This morning - ugh! Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues. With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!" But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place." Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins." Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck. So, yeah.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
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