Black Tar Soul

A couple of weeks ago, eye had a strange dream.  Eye was incarcerated with a sizable group of women.  We were in a place that seemed like a combination of a prison and a boarding school.  It was some form of prison, unless it was a fusion of law enforcement and mental institution professionals, because we were taken in under the guise of arrest.  We had been rounded up and placed here, it seems for the purpose of reprogramming.

During the day, we attended lectures, films, groups, and also did reading.  All of the material was in regards to how heroin is evil.  The main focus was not evil in the sense of what people typically say, with the whole destroying lives and families, etc. (not that it wasn't mentioned) - but evil as in the sense of religious evil, from the devil.  It was astounding that there was so much material on the subject, to fill our days with this information.  At night, we went back to our dorms and were to write on what we learned and our feelings before we went to sleep.  So, at our most vulnerable state, during and post-withdrawal, we were fed these theories, truly genius on the part of whomever designed this system if we were going to be swayed to believe this nonsense.  Eye was not favored by those in charge, because eye wasn't buying it.

One night, eye was taking to the girl in the bunk beside me as she was attending to her writing, and eye was horrified to discover that she believed this propoganda.  Eye talked to a lot of other inmates, networking so that eye could still manage to get drugs.  But it was sad, because the other females there were believing this crap, so the ones who still used thought things like the devil had a hold over them, they had demons inside of them, or that they themselves were evil people.  Eye was surrounded by the misguided, and eye could not convince them that they were being lied to.  Eye never got the satisfaction of leaving this place, because there was no resolution before eye woke up.

This semester has been one of overindulgence, most of the time using twice what eye should have been in a day.  It's truly silly because eye did not do this in the way of doing bigger shots, just more shots.  At night while bored on the couch, eye would go back to the bedroom every couple of hours, sometimes less often.  It's funny that eye could not figure out the reason eye needed so much sleep every night.  And so, now the consequences have to be contended with.  Last weekend and this week were difficult, having to go through most of a day without, barely scraping by.  Then eye would do the "wake up" shot in the late afternoon or evening, and the night shot a few hours later.  At least some days of such discomfort resulted in a pretty quick fix of m'eye tolerance, and for a few days eye wouldn't wake up sick, and could even go deal with a class on a pathetic rinse.  Eye'm now back to needing one when eye wake up, and it's back to about six or seven hours of sleep at night most of the time, which is pretty normal for me while on dope.  It's too bad that if you actually learn a lesson, the consequences still last, instead of just being able to move on with what you know.  Well, maybe the idea will just be even more severely ingrained, that overindulgence has to be made up for quickly.  Eye've had times of doing things like that previously, but then after about a week, eye balance it by cutting down so that what eye have will last.  This semester had a couple of half-assed attempts at it, but it didn't last, and eye didn't cut down until eye was almost out.  This weekend was blessedly sponsored by a friend, and now eye have to set myself for beyond this weekend, a few odd jobs to do over the next week, and it's time to get on the phones, a year after eye planned to start.  Well, no one said that eye'm timely about the things eye set out to do.

To the days of wine and roses and endless poses.  Time to attend to homework and various nonsense, well, sometime tonight anyway. :)

Home Is Where Your Eyes Are!

Ok, so a couple of days turned into nearly a couple of weeks.  Go figure.

The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks.  They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks.  Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away.  They had not yet been de-feathered.  Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me.  Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down.  Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive.  So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering!  The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death.  Eye was horrified.  Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment.  It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.

There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills.  Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does.  He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money.  However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day.  So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned.  Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.

Today eye checked on grades.  Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not.  There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else.  However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly. 

Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something.  It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing.  The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else.  Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up."  So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people.  And they probably think that they're getting "high on life." 

Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while.  However, it was hotter inside than outside.  Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house.  it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house.  As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot.  For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.

Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever.  She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times.  These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws.  However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable.  She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to.  Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.