Occupational Hazards

So swollen, it looks like these hands belong on a three hundred pound man. 

Not sure if this looks as bad as it does in real life - the discoloration in spots, the extra bumps.

So difficult these days.  Feet could work, but there's no one around to help me with such a thing.  The lower eye go, the more eye suck at it.  Well, eye'm half ok with ankles, but that's it.  Too shaky.  Too clumsy.  Not destined to be a great shooter, but here eye am, anyway.

Forever Reckless

Eye have a cold.  It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed.  It can, however, be dulled.  But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one.  It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early.  Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs.  A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs.  And now, eye can breathe.  For now.  Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore.  Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now.  It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then.  However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same.  While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in.  Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house.  Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.

On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building.  Eye talked him back into rational thinking.  Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him.  It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything.   So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky.  The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating.  He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him.  Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account.  Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back.  Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day.  Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer.  Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself."  This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him.  And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks.  Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row.  We fought horribly in those days, almost every day.  But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted.  Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned.  But, back then, eye only needed one every day.  Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two.  Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point.  The day before, eye got just over one, all day long.  Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that.  That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting.  Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.

It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors.  The eating disorder shit, gone.  Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now.  But nope.  Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore.  Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.

Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin.  Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message."  As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again.  It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others.  Nothing eye can do about it, really.

It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era.  Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat.  Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.

Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend.  It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father.  He is very nervous.  Eye kind of understand.  Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother.  So, that's one factor that makes it different.  However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid.  Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.

Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use.  Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history.  Same old story, people like to confide in me.  Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah."  But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested.  Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing.  Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope?  We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such.  Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score.  So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine.  Such a sucker.  Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out.  One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles.  Well, that wasn't his phone...  He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me.  Eye had no money nor dope to spare.  This time, he was on foot.  Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here.  He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment.  Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing.  If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all.  Too much drama.  Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.

Veins are being assholes.  But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly.  However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am.  Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that.  So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away?  And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over?  (Yep, he's said that more than once.)  So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.  He keeps suggesting to muscle it.  What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs?  No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes.  Get more lumps.  Hit more arteries.  You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.

Ugh, it's getting late.  Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early.  Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning.  Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway.  Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning?  He got over $100 today, but like that matters.  The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got.  Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things?  Eye certainly don't.  However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.

Oh!  He also got some shrooms today.  So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin.  So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon.  When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way.  Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking.  Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him.  Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean.  Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not.  Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.

3:11am - do you know where your junkie is?  Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.

A Post-Whore Kind of Day

The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password?  AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense?  Come on.

The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein.  Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems.  And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?

Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month.  It was not a request for assistance.  It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing.  It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are.  But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%.  So stupid to say, but it happend.

Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards.  So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet?  And then, it turns again.  How fucking confusing.

Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning.  How damn boring.  Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.

Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone.  Minimally, but at least at all.  He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me.  But that all depends on what happens, or what does not.  Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.

Nothing Hurts Like Your Mouth

Last semester, eye ended up with mostly B's.  But eye failed Spanish, which is really to be expected, considering that on test days, eye would be studying before class, then feel "not ready" so eye wouldn't even go.  Eye had to pay for the class over the summer, joy of joys.  But at least was prepared, eye suppose.

This summer was a dance of working and not working and trying to survive, some times were easier than others.  But there were huge issues regardless of whether finances were stable.  For starters, eye was open with Angel regarding something that maybe eye should have never said.  He said he appreciated me being honest.  He said that it was better.  But, it often seemed that it wasn't.  His mouth said it was, his principles say that it was.  But the way that he was on edge, the way that any other issue was magnified, it seems that as much as he wanted to hold onto that belief, he did not feel that knowledge was better.

In addition to that, there were a couple of times eye needed to call m'eye dad for rent, didn't, and claimed that eye did, while eye worked on getting the money myself.  Eye never was able to get quite enough, and he found out.  There were quite a few gems that came out of his mouth over the summer, and the first time he found out that eye lied regarding that, was the first time he spoke words to me that stuck.. which of course he denied even saying later on.  Upon bringing that up, eye also brought up much of what eye've been holding in for years.  His reaction was, "Well this isn't going to work, then."  No offers of changing anything, no apologies, nothing of the sort, when his complaints are expected to be met with me modifying my behavior, or at least some kind of compromise.

Another thing that happened was he went on this "clean" kick.  He has medication, so it's not like he's going to go sick because of it.  This caused unbelievable strain on everything.  It didn't matter to him that eye don't buy all that often, or if eye'm doing it in the other room, if eye don't bring up the subject, or that eye don't sit there nodding out in front of him.  Eye didn't encourage him to use.  None of that mattered.  He was staying off of it just fine, but just knowing eye do it stressed him out.

Also, any time eye don't have income, every little thing becomes a huge deal.  To use a cliche, all of this was "a recipe for disaster."  So many times, he told me eye needed to leave, eye needed to find somewhere else to live.  He's said things like that before, although usually he says that he's the one leaving, and it's a reaction to something, and he's done feeling that way within a few days.  Typically when that happens, eye act as sweet as can be, and do all these little things for him, keep the house clean even though eye'm not typically the one making messes and am busy, all to get on his good side and it fixes everything.  This time, it pretty much didn't work.  Every once in a while, he'd talk about how he sees us together for a long time, or we can figure it out.  But later he'd deny saying anything like that.  One time he said that he never said he changed his mind and that eye could stay - even though eye never said that he had mentioned it at all!  It's silly to deny things that you aren't being accused of.

It gets exhausting to be the only one who changes anything, to have to bend and bend even in times of not being "in the wrong."  One night, eye brought up all these things regarding what he does wrong, all the ways that he's being unfair.  And out pops another gold nugget from his mouth.  "If you say one more word to me, you WILL be hurting."  Lovely.

That was in mid- August, which was around the time he found out eye hadn't called my dad, which also happened toward the beginning of June.  A couple of days later, when eye verified eye'd be getting my school money, eye printed it out for him.  And at this point, eye wasn't going to bother being nice of trying to get on his good side.  Eye didn't even care about... future plans regarding him.  Eye threw the paper on his coffee table and said how this took care of bills and rent through June.  "But if you want me to leave, so be it."  And this was when he finally changed his tune, when eye didn't give a shit anymore.  Funny how that happens.

So now it's back to the school routine, and there have been way too many lazy days, which eye'm fixing now.  There have been too many days of overindulgence as well, deciding to go have a shot 4-6 times in a day instead of 2-3.  Now that eye've stopped that - of course eye'm having difficulties with it not even kicking in, and so at least once a day, eye'll have a "do-over."  That seems to defeat the whole purpose of cutting down the number of times eye do it.  Also what seems to be requisite in my shooting experience lately is hitting an artery at least every couple of days.  Tons of fun!

Getting older it seems, instead of making me despise myself, it just gives me even more younger people with whom to get very irritated for acting like "stupid kids."

Home Is Where Your Eyes Are!

Ok, so a couple of days turned into nearly a couple of weeks.  Go figure.

The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks.  They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks.  Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away.  They had not yet been de-feathered.  Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me.  Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down.  Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive.  So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering!  The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death.  Eye was horrified.  Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment.  It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.

There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills.  Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does.  He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money.  However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day.  So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned.  Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.

Today eye checked on grades.  Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not.  There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else.  However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly. 

Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something.  It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing.  The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else.  Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up."  So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people.  And they probably think that they're getting "high on life." 

Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while.  However, it was hotter inside than outside.  Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house.  it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house.  As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot.  For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.

Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever.  She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times.  These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws.  However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable.  She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to.  Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.

Back to the Swing of Things

Yeah it's been a while.  Busy with school, then a lazy week of dope, Dilaudid, and sleeping pills, then school computers were closed as eye curled up sick in bed or ran around attempting to make money.  Eye DID on and off keep up with most people's blogs, but cannot comment to them by phone, and if eye log into m'eye own blog on the phone, it shuts the stupid thing off.

School started today, appeal went through, obviously.  Eye did... decently.  Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think.  The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30.  Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00.  Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.

Angel found his biological father.  He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him.  He finally did, right around the end of the semester.  It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for.  His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home.  Fun stuff.  Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give.  What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.

Winter break wasn't too pleasant.  School library - closed.  Angel - gone to his mom's out of state.  Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save!  He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year.  Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever.  So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day.  Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked.  Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy.  Ended up with another gift card to sell.  New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas.  Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state.  Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible.  Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in.  Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation.  "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end."  During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade.  Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc.  So - nothing from him.  Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there.  Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight.  The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am.   Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home.  Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded.  Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.

We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something.  Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday.  He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.

Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc.  Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms.  What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.

Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books.  Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."

Backfire!

Last night, oh around 3am, still not asleep and needing to be, eye decided that it would be fine to have an extra shot, after all, hadn't done extra in a couple days & can every once in a while, plus it would be easier to go relax, right?

HAHA!  Yeah, right!  Instead, it turned into a 2-hour vein hunt, during which Angel woke up and pretty much just made some snide comments and then ignored me.  Half of shot went to an area that APPEARED to be sort of working, but was not.  So now there's a bloody-shot miss right under an abscess (yeah he's right it was a dumb move to even attempt there but ah well.) The rest went nowhere because soon as it was settled, clog!  If eye'd left the ol' arms alone for another day, something probably would have worked fine, but NO eye have to poke around even when eye know nothing's going to happen (like this morning for example, what the hell?)  Also a stupid result of last night, poor Melody got about 5 messages from me about the entire event.  Just what everyone wants to wake up to, a whole lot of complaining, right?

This morning, after obligatory attempts, just flat out asked him to help me instead of dropping hints.  Eye totally forget sometimes how men think, like either they won't get the hint, or they get mad at you because you just didn't come out and say it.  Saying "would" instead of "could" you help with something is important, too.  So yeah, now wrist and the "little" one's bruised area hurt terribly.  Probably should go, get home, because who knows how long it'll take to map out a different area, retire the arms a while for sure.

So, had eye chosen to just go to bed without any "help," eye probably would have gotten to sleep a lot earlier.  That's cute.

Having a HELL of a time getting up in the morning this week.  This is the reason eye don't like winter.  And with daylight savings time, how it gets dark so early?  Goodness, it still messes with me.

Possible Benefits

Earlier this year, around spring, eye lost the ability to use neck veins, which eye didn't like because eye didn't know where else to go, as other areas had "died" and the neck area had lasted for a couple of years.  At this point, further evaluation had me conclude that eye "couldn't handle" this type of life.  Eye planned to quit.  And thought it would be a permanent quit, or at least one that resulted in very infrequent opiate use.  Prior to this, eye was VERY conflicted about being addicted.  There was a point in time that eye even attempted to quit every six weeks.  But never stayed sober more than 7 days.  Eye didn't want to be stuck, but hated life without it.  And it had become far too tinged with meaning, too ingrained into identity.  But this time, it seemed that eye was truly ready.  Eye asked for some Suboxone from a friend of mine.

Well, it took at least 4 months for her to send the pills to me.  By then, eye had discovered that arm veins had come back, and on this return, they didn't disappear again in six weeks.  By then eye'd become re-accustomed to the whole routine, eye had plans, and the desire to quit had faded away.

Since then, eye have discovered that the whole thought that eye am incapable of functioning with a drug habit was a cop-out and an excuse for bad behavior and laziness.  Getting behind in classes from not attending or doing homework, not keeping up on the house, being late to work and losing jobs (the work thing eye've ALWAYS had a problem with, long before heroin, coming from poor sleeping habits and sleeping through the alarm during senior year of high school - mom let me miss school & mess it up for myself - had to take a summer class to graduate.  So the bad habit had begun, and maybe this is a mistake she made with me.) Eye am in school and class performance ranges from average to good (between As and Cs.)  Eye have upcoming bills pre-paid.  The difference is effort.  Prior to this, pretty much everything was "too easy" for me.  Eye could breeze through classes, rarely attending, rarely reading the textbooks, just reviewing notes that the professor posted online, then acing the tests, doing all papers at the last minute.  So, now eye have to actually try.  It's different and at times hard, but eye suppose this is just what it's like to be a human.  So, maybe in a way it's a good thing and will teach me something.

Public Service Announcement

So many mistakes are made when it comes to using heroin or other opiates (this targets injected opiates), so here are some suggestions and warnings for people.

Being addicted is quite unpleasant when it comes to withdrawal.  (See previous post.)  If you're going to use in the first place, do not use more often than 8 hours of a day, and wait at least 72 hours until you use again.  (Sources - heroin helper, other users & addicts.)  That takes care of the physical part.  But watch out for "mental" addiction that makes it easier to forgo the rule.  If your clean days seem less worthwhile than the day you use, a problem is developing.  (Source - Gledwood's old blog.)  Consider cutting down your frequency, or stopping altogether.

Do not share not only needles, but equipment as well (cottons, cookers, etc.)  Be very wary of getting "clean" needles from other people - look for it coming out of a sealed package, with the cap sealed on, ensure it does not have a little spot of blood, and in the United States at least here - a clean needle's plunger is not pressed all the way to the bottom, it has about 5 units or so of space/air in it.  Better to just get your own.  And if other people are injecting in your house, WATCH what they do with their needles, so they are not confused with yours.  Do not underestimate the potential for disease, do not trust that people would not infect you on purpose.  (Source - http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com/2011/10/killing-fields.html)

Abscesses are terrible!  They come from impurities (little pieces of dirt, cut in the dope, pill fragments, etc.) Filter, filter, filter!  Then LOOK at the needle to see if there is a little piece of cotton on it, pull it off, wash the needle in full-blast water. (*Cotton fever can aslo be avoided this way.)  Wash it even if you don't see anything.  Then, keep the cap on until you are about to inject.  Whenever possible, clean off the spot you're going to use for injection, preferably with an alcohol wipe.  Avoid intramuscular injection and skin-popping if possible, and if you get blood in the syringe, avoid putting it back into anywhere but a vein.  If it starts clogging/coagulating, it's best to dump it back into a cooker, add water, re-cook, re-filter.  While injecting into a vein, if it starts to hurt, pull back and check if you're still in the vein, and re-register if necessary.  (Sources - other addicts/users, bluelight, heroin helper.)

Veins, for some people, can be extremely hard to come by.  If a person uses for long enough, even the people who started out with "ropes" very well may have vein issues.  Avoid the whole "track mark" thing - injecting into one spot til it stops working, then following that vein all the way up til the whole thing is dead.  Rotate injection sites as often as you can.  If/when you begin to get to the point your veins are dying out, avoid "pointless" shots.  Don't do cotton/filters/rinses unless there are no other options & you're ill.  Don't shoot up just for the hell of it, and there's no reason to shoot up 8 + times a day - pretty much anything after 5 or 6, you barely even feel it.  Purchase needles frequently, use fresh ones whenever possible, and switch needles if you've made several attempts to do one injection.  Dull & barbed needles do further damage to veins.  (Sources - other addicts & users, bluelight, own dying veins that were small & difficult to begin with!)

Eye don't have the absolute best answer for China White, but at least when it comes to tar - COOK your dope.  Some people say that it shouldn't be cooked because "Heroin is water-soluble and cooking it makes the impurities break down & can also get in your mixture."  Well, bacteria's pretty tiny, too, and can easily get into your needle.  Heat can kill bacteria.  Think some Mexicans haven't rolled an actual piece of FECES into an extremely big block of heroin, in their middle-fingered spiteful salute to Americans?  Ha!  Think again (source - someone who's been there for an instance like this.)  (And before the comments just fly in about "how can you still use it, knowing a story like that - disgusting!  Well...first off, there's that whole heat killing bacteria thing.  And think you've never been served food after someone hasn't washed their hands?  It's more common than you think.  People spitting in food does also happen.  Do you still go out to eat?)  This bacteria can lead to tissue or blood poisoning.  This can be fatal.  (Source - the hooker who used to come over to beg for free cottons off of me, which eye willingly provided, last year eye was 100% disease free which is still true unless someone slipped me something during sleep or switched a needle while eye wasn't looking, and eye DO watch - which is possible but unlikely...  but she also didn't care & was under the mistaken impression that "once AIDS hits air, it dies." You could not tell her differently.  She boiled down cottons, but eye never saw her cook actual dope.  She died of MRSA, an infection she developed from uncooked dope, about six weeks ago.)

Be very wary of letting someone go off to score drugs for you if you do not know them.  Especially when they are an addict, especially to a different drug!  It's especially suspect if they say they'll do it for free or $5 or less.  (Source - own, embarrassing! stupidity.) It tends to be less likely to happen if it's someone like say, your long-term neighborhood homeless person with whom you have shared previous conversations, and you offer to get them a bag.  After all, you see them pretty often, they're unlikely to run off somewhere, and if they're getting something too, there's no real reason to screw you.  Eye hear you can also make similar offers to people at methadone clinics, but have never attempted it, myself.

Um... don't drive or operate heavy machinery while nodding out.  (Source - common sense.)

"Drugs are bad, m'kay?"  (South Park)

And now, back to your regularly scheduled program.

Bugs & Drugs

Today, wasn't even craving a coffee, but bought one anyway.  Eye have $12 for "spending money" that really should be saved for tobacco.

A few days ago, there was a moth in our kitchen by the ceiling.  Last week, eye found two adult roaches and two baby ones in the same night.  A couple of days before that, two roaches greeted me upon opening the medicine cabinet.  Other than that, we've been blessedly free of roaches, for the most part, lately.  Back in Jul'eye, we were having a week of frequent rain.  Heat, humidity - these attract roaches.  We live in a "raised" house - meaning instead of a house that's built on a concrete foundation, we have floorboards and about four feet of nothingness (a "crawl space" above just dirt.  There used to be an opening on the side of the house, by the bathroom, that led to this.  Small animals would crawl under there, get bitten by a brown recluse or black widow (Eye have found one of each in the house before) and die.  And so, the roaches come to feed on the rotting bodies, breed, and there you go! - roach colony is created.  When it's humid, the little pests decide to pop in for a visit.  We used to have boxes of dishes in the corner, excess dishes from a previous roommate who never took them from me, that were never unpacked, sold, or claimed.  Well, in this corner, roaches decided to come up and make a little home in the boxes, apparently.  One night, upon opening the refrigerator in the dark, the fridge light illuminated the floor, and on the floor eye saw tons of baby roaches crawling around, looking for crumbs.  It was like a small anthill had exploded, except they were baby roaches.  Eye was horrified and disgusted.  We spent the next few days sanitizing the house, spraying, and stomping.  Mind you, our house was not absolutely FILTHY, but a little unclean at the time (like crumbs on the floor, sometimes dishes would stack up for about a week.) Some of the roaches had a tolerance for spray, and instead of dying, would start acting oddly, like walking around in circles for hours, or coming out during the day.  It took a couple of weeks before we mostly got rid of the problem.  Some still appear, every so often.  About a month ago, for about a week, Angel found one or two roaches daily, right as they were about to lay eggs!  He squished them.  The kitchen is now kept absolutely wiped down, and dishes are washed within an hour, put away the following day.  However, eye am still absolutely cluttered in the bedroom - boxes of papers in the corners, piles of paper on the dresser, and a hamper FULL of clean clothes (there is not enough room for all of m'eye clothes, as eye don't get rid of them once they don't fit anymore.  This would be a mistake that eye refuse to make again, as every few years, eye tend to have dramatic weight changes.)  Eye'm terrified at what eye may discover if eye decide to clear the desk or boxes.  Roaches also like to come inside when it's cold.  Also, as our yard is full of grass and trees, that the landlord waters once to twice daily (though the law here is twice weekly, and Aunt Patty keeps her yard JUST fine that way), bugs live in the yard and like to say hello every once in a while.  Occasionally there will be a rolly-polly in the entrance way, flies like to come inside during the summer, eye refuse to go in the yard if eye see a bee.  Eye DO like the occasional salamander that comes into the house, however.

Eye went through a 2 month's supply in one month.  This is half m'eye fault, for having an extra shot on more days than eye was supposed to.  The other half is Angel's.  He cannot pay me back except once per month, when his disability check comes in.    Even then, he will only be able to pay back about half.  Eye'm hoping he gets his pain management issues taken care of within a couple of weeks, so that he won't start racking it up, again.  That simply is not affordable for me.  As yesterday eye was undecided upon how much money eye was going to spend for the next chunk, eye got $100 worth.  Eye have now decided the next chunk will be $900, instead of $1200.  Since $1500 remains, that's what's affordable. He'd BETTER get his own situation taken care of, this time.

The stuff we got yesterday did NOT want to melt when it was cooked.  It was really annoying watching 90 units of water turn into 20 units of black liquid that looked like goop instead of brown liquid, with a big ball still sitting in the cooker.  So, this stuff takes extra time and water to prepare.

Veins last night were being a nightmare.  Angel attempted to poke me about eight times before he gave up.  He was just going to stick it in m'eye butt (intramuscular, or for me, intra-fat!)  Eye STILL refuse to do it this way, especially if there is blood in the syringe.  Eye went to the bathroom.  Got a small register, and proceeded, even though it looked like the "register" may have stopped.  It didn't hurt, so eye figured it was safe.  WRONG.  The spot began to swell.  Eye moved up, tried again.  This time, the register was a bit stronger, but a brighter red blood instead of dark.  On me, this usually means something isn't quite right.  (Also more oxygenated blood tends to clog the needle more quickly.)  Eye stupidly decided to go ahead with it.  Once again, it didn't hurt.  Eye started to feel something.  Once again, eye started to swell.  Tried lower.  Trickle of bright red blood.  I then moved to m'eye left arm.  Amazingly, on the first attempt, eye got a great register.  Eye went to push it in, and the needle was clogged!  To be further insulting, as all this "nonsense" was occurring, the cigarette eye'd made rolled into the sink and got wet.  Since eye do not have a cigarette machine, eye make cigarettes with a straw, pen innards, and an antennae.  It takes at least a minute to stuff each tube.  Oh well, at least by the end, there was only 20 units of the seventy eye'd started with, and much of it was blood.  Eye went to clean the needle out in the sink, and, of course, eye was able to squirt it out.  Wh'eye wasn't eye able to squirt it into m'eye arm?  This morning, the swelling had luckily enough gone down, but eye was unable to get a vein in m'eye right arm.  In the left, since the spot only likes to work about twice weekly, and eye had poked it yesterday (even though nothing was put in), the little traitor did not work.  Eye went higher again on m'eye right arm.  It registered, but it was too hard to push in, as in about to clog.  Eye walked out to Angel to have him plunge the mixture inside.  Unfortunately, the needle had moved during the trip.  He re-registered.  It started to hurt.  He went to register again.  The needle clogged.  We poured it out into a cooker, and drew it up into a second needle.  Luckily enough, he was able to get his usual spot on his second poke.  last night, we assumed that vein was dead.  Hoping for better times ahead.

The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way

This morning - ugh!  Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues.  With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!"  But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place."  Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins."  Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck.  So, yeah.

Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s.  Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words.  That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils,  fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high.  Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves.  Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.

Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants.  She looked... professional.  It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way.  And that's from an addict point-of-view.  So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder."  Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.

Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...

In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs."  (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.)  Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using.  Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me.  A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother...  Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.)  When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test.  Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did.  She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin.  Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.

Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me.  A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now.  Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was.  Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me.  He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom.  Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else.  Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true.  He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?"  Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me.  Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?"  "I don't know you anymore."  "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.)  M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about.  So eye asked when eye could prove myself.  She said she didn't know.  Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now."  At first, eye FREAKED.  But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night.  Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker.  This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up."  Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin.  Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.

The passing of the drug test was imperative.   After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.)  This year, he's done it more than ever.  Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away.  Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away.  (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.)  Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming.  Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there!  Angel said not to say anything.  Eye'm glad eye didn't.  The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister?  Eye said no.  After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him.  Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats.  She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful.  Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful.  Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans.  She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well. 

After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid.  NOT SO.  Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn."  M'eye turn to what?  Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life?  (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows.  Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.)  Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.)  The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are.  Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it.  She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all.  If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan.  (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons:  any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."

Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit.  Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up!  Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time.  During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed.  Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this.  And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway.  What life was left for me?  And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.)  The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting.  (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)

Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened.  It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about.  In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview.  Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with.  (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)

What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming.  In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.)  After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.)  Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it.  And eye lied.  She threatened to drug test me, but never did.  (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.)  And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing?  NO!  It just pissed people off.  Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it.  And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time?  NO!  It.Just.Pissed.People.Off.  And ruined friendships.  Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen.  Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything.  Not so.  And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.

New Blog

It's about time, this damn thing won't work on the phone.  Eye have been following a few blogs on here, mostly dope-related, so if anyone has any blogs to suggest to me, it's much appreciated.  Far as ex-users go, most frankly tend to BORE ME.  Especially when they whine about wanting to use, it's like - well, go for it...  That may be rude, but it's just the mood as of late.  (And, likewise, am sure that they would find me boring as well.)  However, if the ex-user has mental disorders, or isn't "quite done", or engages in interesting activities or other self-destructive habits, well, that's not boring.  Or hell, even if eye like their writing, eye suppose.

Recently, eye FINALLY got to give up panhandling for a while, because of school.  Student loans and grants are the best, and am determined to "not fuck it up."  Eye allowed a certain amount of "play money," everything else is pre-paid bills and dope.  The dope, well, eye have been overindulging SLIGHTLY since the day the money was received (Tuesday), but it hasn't been enough to fuck me over - it's been 3 shots a day instead of 2 (or 1 big shot and one regular), when it's supposed to be extra every OTHER day.  Now, Angel (boyfriend) feels he was "fucked over" on not getting "enough" FREE SHIT off the fuckload of money eye spent to take care of ME for the next two months.  He's gotten around this by "let me buy this much from you and get one free" instead of calling the dealer...  He's now out of money so eye get to cover him til he gets his check.  Eye'm not bitter about that, just bitter that he devised a way (not sure if it's intentional) to get the extra stuff he'd originally wanted.  So, that's ending right now.  And so, now to make up for it, either the next month eye'll have to do extra every 4 days, or every 3 for the next month and a half.  Another beautiful way he benefits from buying from me, he expects that he gets something every time eye buy bc since last year, when Tanner lived with us, Angel decided that the "deals" (extras) were now HIS.  At least some of them.  And since he's not buying the lot off me, the next purchase to replace what he's done, will result in getting less...  He doesn't know eye've found a way around this.  He once "forbade" the connect to deal with me.  And Angle blindly believes this is the case, but since when is a dealer going to say no to money?  Eye will replace said missing stuff when he is out at a doctor's appointment.  It's only fair, not like eye get his freebies, plus right before the money came in, Angel was writing down $15 for every $10 he covered me, which had to be paid back.


Panhandling... when the homeless on the highway exit near the house started getting territorial, one bitch said "You have a bike, you can ride it somewhere else."  This led me to another exit, on a road where hookers are known to be.  This led to some interesting proposals.  Toward the close of the last panhandling cycle, eye went from calling myself "beggar" to "opportunist beggar," but at least half of the time, eye just liked to fuck with the people who asked me, telling them it wasn't enough money, laughing at them, playing mentally handicapped...  To one black guy eye made a small circle with my hand, to represent a vagina, and opened my mouth into the tiny circle it can be, and then told him, "Sorry, think eye'm to small for you."  Panhandling also led to two tickets within three days, am hoping eye can go on a payment plan, rather than soon have a warrant.  In addition, the highway patrol started threatening arrest, so had to move to a regular street corner, where after a little while, it got worse every day, every day the money was worse than the day before, every day of the week was worse than that day during the previous week.  Usually eye was able to see cops before they saw me, and pretend eye was just walking... But if any did know what was up, they left me alone.  Anyhow, glad to be done of it, for however long.  Christmas isn't that bad, except more police patrol on the exits.  Best signs eye have seen:  "Will smoke your weed for food."  And a girl who smiled and waved at every car, whose sign just said, "Share Kindness."  Maybe one can't get in trouble for that one...  But maybe eye won't have to ever beg again.  Lovely Melody Lee has suggested doing phone sex.

Eye LOVE Mondays, classes all day long.  In one class, which is classified a psychology class but is more like neurology - we talk about drugs, quite a bit.  Every class, he mentions heroin.  That class deserves a post-class shot.  However, eye am NOT going to carry the shit around, and with the way black tar has near completely destroyed any usable veins, it's just not feasible.  The second and third classes are an hour and forty five minutes away from each other, but still.  Today, went to get Mediterranean food after class, instead.  It's pretty empty in there, no clue how the guy affords the bills.  Also, mentally drooled over paintings and hookahs that were displayed.  Me, pre-dope, would have definitely bought them.  But this has "evened me out" to the point where only tiny symptoms of mania/hypomania ever really appear.

This is a bit ho-hum but who cares?  Next time will go into the whole reason eye have a new blog anyway, thanks to some assholes who decided to go to the family with the dope issue, resulting in getting a close call with homelessness myself.