Forever Reckless

Eye have a cold.  It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed.  It can, however, be dulled.  But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one.  It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early.  Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs.  A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs.  And now, eye can breathe.  For now.  Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore.  Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now.  It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then.  However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same.  While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in.  Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house.  Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.

On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building.  Eye talked him back into rational thinking.  Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him.  It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything.   So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky.  The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating.  He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him.  Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account.  Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back.  Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day.  Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer.  Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself."  This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him.  And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks.  Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row.  We fought horribly in those days, almost every day.  But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted.  Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned.  But, back then, eye only needed one every day.  Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two.  Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point.  The day before, eye got just over one, all day long.  Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that.  That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting.  Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.

It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors.  The eating disorder shit, gone.  Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now.  But nope.  Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore.  Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.

Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin.  Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message."  As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again.  It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others.  Nothing eye can do about it, really.

It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era.  Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat.  Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.

Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend.  It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father.  He is very nervous.  Eye kind of understand.  Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother.  So, that's one factor that makes it different.  However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid.  Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.

Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use.  Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history.  Same old story, people like to confide in me.  Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah."  But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested.  Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing.  Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope?  We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such.  Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score.  So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine.  Such a sucker.  Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out.  One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles.  Well, that wasn't his phone...  He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me.  Eye had no money nor dope to spare.  This time, he was on foot.  Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here.  He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment.  Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing.  If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all.  Too much drama.  Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.

Veins are being assholes.  But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly.  However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am.  Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that.  So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away?  And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over?  (Yep, he's said that more than once.)  So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.  He keeps suggesting to muscle it.  What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs?  No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes.  Get more lumps.  Hit more arteries.  You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.

Ugh, it's getting late.  Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early.  Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning.  Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway.  Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning?  He got over $100 today, but like that matters.  The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got.  Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things?  Eye certainly don't.  However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.

Oh!  He also got some shrooms today.  So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin.  So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon.  When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way.  Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking.  Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him.  Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean.  Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not.  Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.

3:11am - do you know where your junkie is?  Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.

Habits

Eye stupidly decided to "play lazy" and watch stupid television shows all weekend, putting off studying to the last minute.  Procrastination is a common theme throughout m'eye life.

Eye am currently working on extinguishing "triggers" - feeling the need to go shoot up when certain circumstances occur.  These include - boredom, seeing someone else shoot up in person or in a movie, seeing needles on TV or in movies, something upsetting me, having certain people come over to the house, right after coming home from shopping or school or whatever, right after buying drugs, and "too much talking" about heroin.  Eye have been pretty sucessful at this so far, as eye work toward the goal of only doing "extra" every three days.  Originally, it was going to be every other day, as that's what was affordable from what eye bought.  However, Angel suggested that eye change it to every three, just to make sure the stuff lasts as long as possible.  Eye have come up with another reason - if eye continually do extra every other day, eye will eventually build up a tolerance, which will increase the daily need.  Eye suppose that getting over the circumstantial compulsive use would be important if eye ever decided to quit.  However, right now, it's just to ensure that supply lasts as long as it needs to.  (Now, if only eye could make sure Angel bought his own, instead of "running up a tab" with me, this could definitely happen.  Eye'm going to have to break into "month 2" over a week early, a little bit because eye did extra on a daily basis for more than the first week, but mostly, because he's also doing at least the same amount that eye am, every day.  Thing is - he has money, he's just too lazy to go to the ATM and is being such a weenie about "Why wait for 30 minutes when it's right here?"  Maybe to ensure you keep the connect, considering the periodic phone number changes.)

Eye am also working on stopping spending money as if eye have an endless supply of it.  Eye'll need to actually start working, first, which may be impossible until the semester is over.  Eye'm improving, for sure, but really need to get the spending down to zero, excluding essential items.

What eye have improved upon, ever since eye was able to purchase m'eye own cigarettes, is how much eye smoke, when the amount is completely up to me.  Eye used to fill m'eye container with 21 cigarettes, whenever eye left the house.  Now, eye take only four.  Eye could still improve how much eye smoke at home, but am no longer a smokestack. 

Yesterday, our friend Steve came by.  Previously, we discussed Baby and cremation.  He said that he had a friend who works at the pound, and he could get it done for me for free, and still keep her ashes.  He took her and dropped her off last night.  Eye truly hope that he really did it, and she's not just in a dumpster somewhere.  (Eye checked trash cans and dumpsters in the area last night due to this paranoia, about 20 minutes after he left.)  Eye was actually initially more concerned about him "getting distracted" on the way - he is a tweeker with many social ties, after all.  But, last night, eye saw him headed in the direction of the pound, which is not in the direction of his house, and is a mile away, then eye saw him about an hour later, and he said that he had dropped her off, and would get the ashes to me tomorrow.  Eye'm hoping for the best, the paranoid thought of her body left somewhere is so disrespectful and horrifying, although he doesn't really have a reason to do that to her.  But, all Luabelle's meowing yesterday, especially since it occurred with greater frequency after Baby's remains were taken away out of the freezer, and stuff Angel has said, it just has m'eye head spinning.

Eye kept clippings from Baby's tail.  Last night, eye took the plastic bag of clippings into the living room.  Eye petted the fur.  Eye let Luabelle smell them, and then she licked them, then rubbed her face on the bag.  Next, she took the bag in her teeth and tried to take it away from me!  She's so lonely.  She started sleeping next to Angel when eye leave the house, she hasn't slept by him in quite a long time.  She also curled under the covers with me a couple of nights ago, like Baby used to when it was cold, and Luabelle rarely does.  She's also letting me hold her paw, like Baby did, and Luabelle never has before.  Every night, she stands next to m'eye head and makes me pet her.  She follows me, hangs out, and lays on me, pretty much constantly, instead of frequently.  Eye miss Baby so much, but can't afford to fall apart until the semester ends.

Well, it's time to end the procrastination and get on to getting m'eye notes and studying.  Tomorrow's test is worth a third of m'eye grade.