Forever Reckless

Eye have a cold.  It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed.  It can, however, be dulled.  But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one.  It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early.  Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs.  A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs.  And now, eye can breathe.  For now.  Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore.  Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now.  It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then.  However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same.  While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in.  Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house.  Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.

On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building.  Eye talked him back into rational thinking.  Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him.  It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything.   So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky.  The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating.  He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him.  Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account.  Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back.  Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day.  Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer.  Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself."  This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him.  And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks.  Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row.  We fought horribly in those days, almost every day.  But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted.  Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned.  But, back then, eye only needed one every day.  Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two.  Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point.  The day before, eye got just over one, all day long.  Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that.  That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting.  Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.

It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors.  The eating disorder shit, gone.  Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now.  But nope.  Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore.  Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.

Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin.  Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message."  As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again.  It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others.  Nothing eye can do about it, really.

It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era.  Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat.  Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.

Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend.  It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father.  He is very nervous.  Eye kind of understand.  Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother.  So, that's one factor that makes it different.  However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid.  Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.

Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use.  Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history.  Same old story, people like to confide in me.  Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah."  But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested.  Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing.  Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope?  We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such.  Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score.  So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine.  Such a sucker.  Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out.  One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles.  Well, that wasn't his phone...  He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me.  Eye had no money nor dope to spare.  This time, he was on foot.  Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here.  He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment.  Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing.  If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all.  Too much drama.  Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.

Veins are being assholes.  But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly.  However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am.  Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that.  So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away?  And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over?  (Yep, he's said that more than once.)  So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.  He keeps suggesting to muscle it.  What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs?  No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes.  Get more lumps.  Hit more arteries.  You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.

Ugh, it's getting late.  Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early.  Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning.  Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway.  Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning?  He got over $100 today, but like that matters.  The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got.  Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things?  Eye certainly don't.  However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.

Oh!  He also got some shrooms today.  So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin.  So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon.  When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way.  Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking.  Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him.  Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean.  Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not.  Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.

3:11am - do you know where your junkie is?  Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.

A Post-Whore Kind of Day

The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password?  AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense?  Come on.

The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein.  Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems.  And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?

Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month.  It was not a request for assistance.  It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing.  It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are.  But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%.  So stupid to say, but it happend.

Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards.  So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet?  And then, it turns again.  How fucking confusing.

Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning.  How damn boring.  Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.

Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone.  Minimally, but at least at all.  He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me.  But that all depends on what happens, or what does not.  Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.

Public Service Announcement

So many mistakes are made when it comes to using heroin or other opiates (this targets injected opiates), so here are some suggestions and warnings for people.

Being addicted is quite unpleasant when it comes to withdrawal.  (See previous post.)  If you're going to use in the first place, do not use more often than 8 hours of a day, and wait at least 72 hours until you use again.  (Sources - heroin helper, other users & addicts.)  That takes care of the physical part.  But watch out for "mental" addiction that makes it easier to forgo the rule.  If your clean days seem less worthwhile than the day you use, a problem is developing.  (Source - Gledwood's old blog.)  Consider cutting down your frequency, or stopping altogether.

Do not share not only needles, but equipment as well (cottons, cookers, etc.)  Be very wary of getting "clean" needles from other people - look for it coming out of a sealed package, with the cap sealed on, ensure it does not have a little spot of blood, and in the United States at least here - a clean needle's plunger is not pressed all the way to the bottom, it has about 5 units or so of space/air in it.  Better to just get your own.  And if other people are injecting in your house, WATCH what they do with their needles, so they are not confused with yours.  Do not underestimate the potential for disease, do not trust that people would not infect you on purpose.  (Source - http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com/2011/10/killing-fields.html)

Abscesses are terrible!  They come from impurities (little pieces of dirt, cut in the dope, pill fragments, etc.) Filter, filter, filter!  Then LOOK at the needle to see if there is a little piece of cotton on it, pull it off, wash the needle in full-blast water. (*Cotton fever can aslo be avoided this way.)  Wash it even if you don't see anything.  Then, keep the cap on until you are about to inject.  Whenever possible, clean off the spot you're going to use for injection, preferably with an alcohol wipe.  Avoid intramuscular injection and skin-popping if possible, and if you get blood in the syringe, avoid putting it back into anywhere but a vein.  If it starts clogging/coagulating, it's best to dump it back into a cooker, add water, re-cook, re-filter.  While injecting into a vein, if it starts to hurt, pull back and check if you're still in the vein, and re-register if necessary.  (Sources - other addicts/users, bluelight, heroin helper.)

Veins, for some people, can be extremely hard to come by.  If a person uses for long enough, even the people who started out with "ropes" very well may have vein issues.  Avoid the whole "track mark" thing - injecting into one spot til it stops working, then following that vein all the way up til the whole thing is dead.  Rotate injection sites as often as you can.  If/when you begin to get to the point your veins are dying out, avoid "pointless" shots.  Don't do cotton/filters/rinses unless there are no other options & you're ill.  Don't shoot up just for the hell of it, and there's no reason to shoot up 8 + times a day - pretty much anything after 5 or 6, you barely even feel it.  Purchase needles frequently, use fresh ones whenever possible, and switch needles if you've made several attempts to do one injection.  Dull & barbed needles do further damage to veins.  (Sources - other addicts & users, bluelight, own dying veins that were small & difficult to begin with!)

Eye don't have the absolute best answer for China White, but at least when it comes to tar - COOK your dope.  Some people say that it shouldn't be cooked because "Heroin is water-soluble and cooking it makes the impurities break down & can also get in your mixture."  Well, bacteria's pretty tiny, too, and can easily get into your needle.  Heat can kill bacteria.  Think some Mexicans haven't rolled an actual piece of FECES into an extremely big block of heroin, in their middle-fingered spiteful salute to Americans?  Ha!  Think again (source - someone who's been there for an instance like this.)  (And before the comments just fly in about "how can you still use it, knowing a story like that - disgusting!  Well...first off, there's that whole heat killing bacteria thing.  And think you've never been served food after someone hasn't washed their hands?  It's more common than you think.  People spitting in food does also happen.  Do you still go out to eat?)  This bacteria can lead to tissue or blood poisoning.  This can be fatal.  (Source - the hooker who used to come over to beg for free cottons off of me, which eye willingly provided, last year eye was 100% disease free which is still true unless someone slipped me something during sleep or switched a needle while eye wasn't looking, and eye DO watch - which is possible but unlikely...  but she also didn't care & was under the mistaken impression that "once AIDS hits air, it dies." You could not tell her differently.  She boiled down cottons, but eye never saw her cook actual dope.  She died of MRSA, an infection she developed from uncooked dope, about six weeks ago.)

Be very wary of letting someone go off to score drugs for you if you do not know them.  Especially when they are an addict, especially to a different drug!  It's especially suspect if they say they'll do it for free or $5 or less.  (Source - own, embarrassing! stupidity.) It tends to be less likely to happen if it's someone like say, your long-term neighborhood homeless person with whom you have shared previous conversations, and you offer to get them a bag.  After all, you see them pretty often, they're unlikely to run off somewhere, and if they're getting something too, there's no real reason to screw you.  Eye hear you can also make similar offers to people at methadone clinics, but have never attempted it, myself.

Um... don't drive or operate heavy machinery while nodding out.  (Source - common sense.)

"Drugs are bad, m'kay?"  (South Park)

And now, back to your regularly scheduled program.