October 2001, eye had a friend/customer JB who wanted some ecstasy and some methamphetamine. Eye sold him pills, eye went and obtained the meth for him (but "morals" indicated eye did not profit off of the meth portion, eye was against "profiting off of" what eye considered addictive drugs.) He told me his plans to combine them that weekend, and take the whole bag of meth in one capsule. Eye warned him against it, boy did eye warn him. As he drove me to the errand, we had an amusing discussion, he claimed that you can tell what a guy's penis looks like by looking at his nose, saying that they looked similar. As we parted ways, we said that we'd catch up later, and planned to hang out on another weekend. We planned to call each other that weekend.
Eye did not hear from him that weekend. Calls went unanswered. Wednesday, October 31st, eye heard from a mutual friend, his boyfriend. He told me that he also was unable to reach JB, so he'd gone down to his work, had gone to his apartment. JB's apartment had police tape and bio-hazard stickers, but he had not been able to find someone to tell him what had happened. Deep inside, eye knew, but did not want it to be true. Eye tried to put it out of m'eye mind, and went out tweeking with friends, tried to find a desert rave. We got lost, instead.
November 3rd, eye received an online instant message from the boyfriend. He had confirmed the cause of death, "Meth and lots of E." M'eye heart dropped. It was m'eye fault. In the following week, it was hard not to cry, not to fall apart at work. Eye decided to numb it out, to continue to function, to "keep on keeping on." Eye decided that the way eye could do this was to stay on methamphetamine constantly, and to just focus on losing weight. Plans backfired, eventually not really "functioning" at all, eye ended up losing two jobs, and became suicidally depressed.
Toward the end of "the days" (of methamphetamine) eye had a discussion with a friend about JB. In the conversation, eye told him about another thing JB had told me on the last night eye saw him. He had told me of a previous weekend, one when eye did not go out or sell him anything, that he "Took so much E that he should have died." M'eye friend mentioned that maybe JB did it on purpose. This was no comfort, and made it indeed so much worse to me.
It's not an event eye dwell on often, but somewhere deep inside, it remains. Eye have heard many, many tales from friends when eye get "blackout" drunk, and start going on & on about how the death is all m'eye fault, and that eye should be dead instead of him.
October 2006, pretty gosh-darned close to the anniversary of JB's death, m'eye boy kitty died from a kidney infection. It was devastating. Eye did nothing to "numb" the loss. But did lose m'eye job over the resulting depression, leading to a search for a quick-buck for rent, leading to a two-month stint in prison, and almost losing m'eye house.
October 2, this year, Baby died. She was the most special creature to me on earth, and losing her has been incredibly hard. She was SO attached to me, and eye was closer to no one else. Luabelle laid near her the night that she died, and eye wish that eye could have been there, holding her paw through her last breath. Eye will always regret not having done this. Eye still have clippings from Baby's fur from her orange-cream and white striped tail. When eye unroll them from the bag they're contained in, Luabelle smells them, rubs against them, licks them, and attempts to take the bag away. She acts in a similar manner to Baby's container of ashes. Sometimes eye listen to recordings of Baby's meows and purrs that eye have saved on the phone. Luabelle rubs against the phone when she hears them, then she stares at me. Eye hope that it's not cruel to show her these things. Luabelle has always been quite the attention-craving cat, but now she is even more so insistent on being near me, being petted, being noticed. Eye still cry when eye think of Baby for any extended period of time, and all eye can do is attempt not to think about it, but that still causes guilt, and eye hope that she knows eye mean no disrespect, but eye have to survive.
Showing posts with label overdose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overdose. Show all posts
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Love & Addiction, Paired
People say that love is like an addiction. Eye suppose so!
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Some people say that you can't have love during heroin addiction. This isn't necessarily true. What eye couldn't have was an eating disorder and a fully encompassing relationship, where you live with the person and spend all of your free time together. M'eye relationship with Angel phased out m'eye bulimia. Something else ended up taking over the self-destructive part of me, eventually. Eye think that a relationship that involves this drug - it just can be very intense. You see the worst sides of each other. You experience the desperation and relief, the knock-down-drag-out arguments/fights and the heartfelt apologizes, the lies and manipulation, the deep confessions and the sharing (of drugs) that "saves your life." It brings you together, it rips you down & far apart, and if you can still stay with someone after experiencing the horror that they are capable of, that says a lot.
It's been said, by more than just me, that eye am incapable of feeling normal human attachment (love), for family or romantic partners. However, this time eye've come the closest. Eye suppose eye "act like it" and sometimes even "think like it," but don't "feel it." Perhaps it's a situation of "loving but not being in love." It shouldn't be all that surprising to anyone, considering eye don't really "feel" a whole lot, in the way of "Emotions" To me, it's more like eye have "moods" of excited, irritated, (these two often coincide), depressed, and nothing... more or less. Far as "emotions" go, they're either - not there, barely there, or too much to handle (this one rarely occurs.) Nothing in the middle. A friend called me a "dilettante," meaning in total persona rather than art - eye typically get superficially interested in people or things for a short amount of time, then move on.
Angel was originally a "temporary roommate" on our couch. (And eye introduced him to Ketamine.) However, we started seeing each other. Eye invited him to live in m'eye room. Eye'd never lived with a boyfriend before. He was a long-term addict, and whether he wants to or not, is permanently stuck on at least heavy pain medication, due to a shattered spine from an accident (he has rods&pins holding it together.) It seemed exciting to me, and at first, eye was partially with him to piss people off. Eye intended to stay with him until eye moved. He was also a direct opposite of m'eye previous boyfriend, who used NO drugs & broke up with me because eye wouldn't quit psychedelics after a heroin overdose (and eye wasn't doing heroin after that, at that point.) Eye thought the breakup was ridiculous, and good riddance, and eye had someone MUCH more interesting now, whom eye'd been interested in before the previous relationship even ended.
When eye was first with Angel, he was using, eye was not. After eye overdosed with m'eye very first injection, eye decided that after the hospital, eye could smoke it for a few days, then eye was taking a break, perhaps for a couple of months, perhaps forever. (It lasted 3 months.) At first, eye felt what eye feel toward the beginning of many relationships, except it seemed stronger. Some "symptoms" of what some people say when they're "in love" - thinking about the person all of the time, doing little things for them, so excited to be with them, so blissful to be together... Blah, blah, blah - for me, eye just call that "being in a new relationship." The excitement of finding a new obsession. It seemed like we had so much in common. Eye felt closer to him than eye had to any boyfriend. This must have been real, considering eye actually wanted to spend all m'eye free time with him, rather than needing a life outside of him. However, during half to much of a brief pregnancy, eye wanted nothing to do with him, eye wanted to run away. But as eye waited in Planned Parenthood for the abortion, as their pills kicked in, eye felt all these strong feelings toward him again, and wrote him a note apologizing for m'eye behavior. Once the little alien had been sucked out (eye felt NO maternal instinct toward it, couldn't wait to get the abomination OUT of me. But, eye did feel "motherly" toward Baby Girl, m'eye kitty.) Once it was done, eye went to get dope, seeing as eye could actually do some. (When eye used it once during the pregnancy, it made me violently ill the next day.) Eye used on and off for the remainder of the time before the move. He was always the one to inject me, which of course made me feel all the more close to him. (A previous observation to Marty about a boyfriend from 2 relationships prior, in regards to introducing Ketamine to him, "There's something amazingly sexual about injecting your partner.")
We moved to Las Vegas. Eye became pretty lonely. And far as being similar? Eye felt, "reflective only on the surface." Eye had previously planned to move here with m'eye best friend Marty. Eye felt that would have been better. Eye planned on splitting up soon as eye was financially able to.
Eye did heroin whenever eye could afford it, he did whenever he could afford it, and we tended to share, depending on who had the money. At first, eye couldn't that often, as eye could only donate plasma twice per week, and toward the end of the month, had to pay for his methadone. But, binges got longer, and the time between got shorter and shorter. But who cared? It gave me something to latch on to. It was something to numb how miserable eye was with "no life" in a new city, rarely even a job. It was a new identity.
If eye didn't have a job, or a recent "medical study," plasma money, or school money, eye had to rely on him to buy for me. At first, it wasn't too bad, eye could live off of 2/3 of a dime/bag ($10) per day. Oh! the manipulation eye had to go through to get that. With him, he is temperamental, and everything depends on his mood, so eye had to learn to adjust to that, and had to play the game according to that. Eye couldn't just ask or say what was going on, it had to be HIM deciding to call... So sometimes it was arguments, sometimes it was causing pity parties, sometimes it was bargaining, or just making drugs sound appealing - the final one - it was all HIS decision, right, not doing me a favor, when it was still a favor in all other circumstances.
Eventually, it became that eye "ran up tabs" with him, to be paid upon getting a paycheck or school money. But eye still played games to get him to "loan" to me. When Tanner moved in with us for a while, it was nice because Angel's anger got directed at HIM, for the most part, and Tanner's the one fucking up, using him, etc.
But it was also a bit harder to play at getting drugs, because since he was getting it from both sides, he was very sensitive to it. But, eye played both sides, too. And whenever m'eye "partner" and eye got the drugs without the other person knowing, it was our little secret, or when we'd get drugs out of the other person - that made it so much more fun. Then Angel "changed the rules" and eye no longer really got extra for buying quantity, now Angel wanted them (which didn't change after Tanner was gone.) Tanner moved back to his parent's house after about six months. A couple of months down the road, Angel pretty much REFUSED to help me except in dire circumstances. So, whenever eye didn't have money from work or school, eye turned to begging on the side of the highway.
Throughout all this, he can just be hell to live with. He's easily angered, holds long-term grudges, has a tendency to think people are "screwing him over" and becomes resentful, his mood determines how everything goes, he blacks out (can't remember what he did later) on pills & either becomes anything from a mumbling idiot who can't put on his pants & tries to drink soap or cook mustard (which is funny later, but not at the time) to a screaming prick who mistakes me for one of his ex girlfriends who cheated on him or something & is intent on putting me down (which he only actually has done once since eye threatened to leave him for it - bc now he doesn't take a whole bunch on purpose.) He resents things he's done for me as me "using" him, but when it comes for me doing stuff for him, it's either not enough or just what eye "should" be doing because of him being disabled. He "forbade" the dealer to speak to me, so, he has control (unless Angel's gone & doesn't know about it.) He lies to me about having money, and at times tries to hide that he has drugs. He's locked me out of the bedroom. He's talked shit about me to his mom (and she just makes it worse.) He's left state to leave me to detox. He's threatened to beat me, and has come close to hitting me twice.
However, eye'm not so fun, either. Eye'm neglectful of the house and many, many things. He has to remember the lies eye've told the family. When eye want drugs (and have no way to pay for them) eye don't back down unless there's Absolutely Nothing that can be done - like it's too late to call (no cash won't do it, eye will beg and beg to ask for a credit) AND he doesn't have any methadone. Eye manipulate. Eye have stolen pills and small quantities of money from him. When eye don't have money, eye'll smoke his tobacco, and it's at the rate of 2-3 times as fast as he'd go through it on his own. Eye EXPECT him to "figure it out," despite him only getting $600-1000 per month. If eye'm having problems injecting, he has to do it for me, even if he has no drugs & has to watch drugs go into someone else with his hand.
During our time together, there have been times where one or both of us do not consider ourselves "together," but that's not very often. Eye have been completely miserable & wanting to leave, and he's threatened to at other times, but for the most part, eye can't see me leaving at all, and he's never left, except a few couple-week excursions to his mother's in another state, that eye always know are upcoming. Eye can't really see me with someone else, and actually, the first blogspot blog eye got "into" was because he shares a similar past to Angel. We still have so much fun laughing together. He's told me so much that he can't tell other people. We have this common thread that at times may irritate & inconvenience each other, but we understand and come back to this understanding. We can't bear to watch the other one go without & suffer (and on him, it happens dramatically and FAST, like he's gagging & throwing up on himself within about 18 hours.) We do little things, and sometimes big things with each other. Eye cook & clean (sometimes, eye'm not very "girly" like that), do the shopping, go drop off things for him, look things up, put his "money pack" on his card or minutes on his phone, etc. Even though he's allergic to cats, he went under the crawl space of a neighbor's house to get Baby, and has pushed out her impacted constipation. He says that though he's not much into marriage (and neither am eye), if it ever happens, it would probably be with me.
And now, he's "running up a tab" with me. But hell, it's m'eye turn, anyway.
And, does any of this demonstrate love? Maybe so, maybe not. Being such a dispassionate personality, maybe it's the closest approximation eye'll ever have. But eye do know, that in any other relationship, either soon as something's wrong, or soon as a certain amount of time goes by, eye'm DONE with the guy. All previous relationships ranged from six weeks to four months, with lots of time being single in-between. Angel's important enough to bother with, and for me, that says a lot - especially considering all the things that are "wrong with him" when previously, eye wouldn't tolerate it, once the illusion of "perfect" in a guy was shattered.
Some people say that there's no way we could ever "get clean" while with each other. This might be true, considering that for so long our relationship has been "made of three threads" (the two of us and the drug.) But, our relationship didn't begin this way. He's going to be moved to a pain pump instead of pills. And, right now, quitting isn't on the agenda.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Soothing Light at the End of Your Tunnel Is Just A Freight Train Coming Your Way
This morning - ugh! Like yesterday morning, horrible vein issues. With just 3 years of true addiction, preceded by a year of what alternated between a couple days a week or weeks-long binges, part of me cries, "Unfair!" But, then again, when eye first gave plasma, many years prior to IV drug use, they had issues finding my shit - they'd call the "most advanced" phlebotomist - who would poke&prod&play violin with me, eye had problems keeping the machines on, and at the end of the first month - eye was told, "They should have never let you in, in the first place." Eye've also been told eye have "small, rolling veins." Also, m'eye first heroin injection included an overdose, prior to that had done K intravenously ONCE, and the hospital stuck the damn IV in m'eye neck. So, yeah.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
Last night on the bus, there were three people sitting together, a couple in their 40s and a lady in her 50s. Anyway, she kept nodding out & slurring her words. That may appear as drunk, but she had tiny pupils, fucked-up (abscess scar pockmarked-looking) arms with no visible veins - despite her being "bone thin," dirty-looking... anyway, eye was quite jealous and wish eye was THAT high. Eye wanted to comment about it to someone, but everyone was keeping to themselves. Her company also had small pupils and were a bit trashy-looking, as well.
Yesterday, eye saw a lady at school who dresses similar to me - thin short-sleeved turtleneck with 3/4 sleeve button-down over it, except she was wearing a skirt instead of pants. She looked... professional. It was VERY far from m'eye first thought, that maybe she also has "reasons" for dressing this way. And that's from an addict point-of-view. So maybe, after all, there aren't too many people who look at me and "wonder." Eye do get the occasional "Aren't you hot?", but it's very occasional, and eye always have some good reason or another.
Anyway - on to the assholes who almost made me homeless...
In June, JJ texted me and asked if eye was "still having problems with drugs." (During a short period of "clean time" in December on Suboxone, eye emailed him about it.) Eye told him that eye was waiting on some Suboxone and still using. Well, a few days later, he emailed me and said that he'd tracked down any mutual friends of ours through facebook, and told them about it, he said that way, eye had no one left who may "enable" me. A couple of days later, he said that he had "gathered enough info" to go to m'eye dad, sister, mother... Eye said eye wasn't really using, and that eye didn't recall speaking to him, that eye'd been drinking quite a bit that week, and it must have been for attention (eye've had many drunken suicidal fits, and some attempts.) When eye talked to m'eye sister about an upcoming job possibility, she said that she hoped they didn't drug test. Eye said it wouldn't matter if they did. She said that's not what she heard, and that a "good source" had called m'eye mom and said that Angel & eye were on heroin. Eye denied it, said eye'd been "getting shit" lately from "worried people" over something eye didn't even remember saying in the first place, and that it was all not true, and that everyone was getting on m'eye nerves.
Eye started texting people, furious, telling them what had happened to me. A bit later that night, m'eye sister asked if eye was SURE it wasn't true, and that the info was coming from more than one source, now. Eye texted people again, attempting to figure out who the other traitor was. Eventually, Tanner admitted it to me. He said that he'd been recently talking to JJ on facebook about it, and that the original plan was that Tanner was going to give me a couple of months, since eye was about to get Suboxone, and if it was still the same then, HE would be the one to call m'eye mom. Now, JJ said he called EVERYONE in the family, but Tanner said it was just m'eye mom, and she, the lovely gossip she is when it comes to me, was telling everyone else. Tanner said that when eye told him what JJ did, he figured he may as well jump on the bandwagon, and make sure to call m'eye mom so that she wouldn't believe m'eye "bullshit" about it not being true. He also gave me some crap about "what if you OD?" Well, shit, yes, eye used to be a little prone to getting into semi-OD status (passed out, blue in the face, unresponsive for a while - Angel's pulled me out of all of them) when eye did extra, but it had been at least a year since that last happened to me. Throughout this afternoon and evening, JJ kept giving me the most WONDERFUL texts like "What the fuck are you so scared of?" "I don't know you anymore." "Call me when you want help." and also left the cutest voicemail about how eye'm "So fucked up" and "using everyone" and how "everyone but Angel" wanted the best for me, or for me to quit (forget which.) M'eye sister said that m'eye dad was going to drug test me, and if eye was really clean, then eye had nothing to worry about. So eye asked when eye could prove myself. She said she didn't know. Finally, eye got a text from JJ saying that "People are on their way to you right now." At first, eye FREAKED. But then eye just simply got the urine ready, the stuff eye'd previously acquired for possible pre-employment drug tests, or if Aunt Patty got it in her head again that she wanted to do that to me. Eye waited up, paranoid as hell, all night. Every car that drove by, every sound eye heard, had me peeking out the window like a strung out crackhead or tweeker. This continued for DAYS, eye was always convinced that they were "about to show up." Oh, and JJ and Tanner both left comments on m'eye facebook (that mind you, m'eye family is on, and m,'eye aunt LOVES to pick apart ANYTHING eye post on there, in regards to "suspect" updates, or complaining - which she passes right along to Angel) about me being on heroin. Unfortunately, a few hours had passed since m'eye last log-on and the comments, so maybe they were seen, but eye promptly deleted their blatant remarks, and then blocked them from m'eye account.
The passing of the drug test was imperative. After all, in the past few years, during periods of unemployment or not being in school, m'eye dad has paid m'eye rent (and electric, cell phone, bus pass, and therapy - as required for him to continue supporting me - which is another story.) This year, he's done it more than ever. Aunt Patty is the only one who lives near me, dad's about five hours away. Mother, sister, and brother are even longer away. (They live in the state eye lived in before eye moved to Vegas.) Anyway, when Aunt Patty picked me up for therapy a couple of days after this horror, eye expected to get a reaming. Eye considered telling her right away that all this is fake, to admit that Tanner lived with me the year before and that eye'd ACTUALLY used back then for a few months (he was never "supposed to" live with me in the first place, something eye would have been "cut off for" back then - which is kind of weird bc it was M'EYE school money supporting me, just she was in charge of paying everything and giving me money - oh the creative excuses eye invented to get it!), and to drug test me right then and there! Angel said not to say anything. Eye'm glad eye didn't. The only thing she asked me was if eye'd talked to anyone lately, dad for Father's Day, m'eye sister? Eye said no. After therapy, to corroborate anything she may have heard, eye "admitted" to letting myself drink to the point of blacking out twice the previous week, once was on Father's Day, which was the reason eye hadn't called him. Eye said that eye'd run out of texts on m'eye phone bc of the two days, but since eye don't keep the outgoing texts, eye had no eyedea what had been said, and that eye hoped it wasn't anything too awful, after all - eye'm queen of drunken suicide threats. She said she hoped nothing had happened either, and to be careful. Eye said that eye wasn't planning on going over a certain number of drinks again, since not knowing what happened was awful. Eye also talked about job possibilities, school plans, and future plans. She said it sounded like eye was getting everything together really well.
After a few days, eye thought to myself that perhaps eye should do something about m'eye blog, get to a computer, but figured eye was being paranoid. NOT SO. Later that day, JJ texted me and said that he'd "Had no choice" and directed m'eye family to it, and now it was "my turn." M'eye turn to what? Go "out" him to the world, screw up his life? (And eye did consider researching a bit to see how open he is about being gay, he usually keeps it really private when it comes to his professional life, and see how eye could just make sure EVERYONE knows. Not that it would "screw up" his life, but it MIGHT give him the tiniest inkling of what type of situation he'd thrown me in.) Eye rushed off to the computer lab at school, and deleted every sentence eye'd written, and every comment that pointed toward drug use, well, heroin, in the last 3 years (family knows eye did lots of psychedelics sometimes, prior to that.) The posts, themselves, weren't that obvious in and of themselves, but the comments, and occasionally m'eye responses to them, are. Eye hoped that somehow, m'eye mom hadn't already read it. She does have work and/or classes most of the time, after all. If she hadn't read it, then so much for JJ's plan. (Eye'm not going to link the old blog for a few reasons: any recent "interesting" info was removed, the previous info is written in such an encrypted way that few will be able to comprehend - but it mostly refers to selling drugs/cutting/eating disorders/psychedelic experiences,) and most of all - the possibility that in doing so, some bored, mean, or high-handed individual will track down JJ through it and give him THIS blog (in which eye am not writing "in code") all in the name of "helping me."
Right before the month ended, a couple of friends came to visit. Eye figured that the family would DEFINITELY show up with them there, especially considering they were on a "heroin vacation" - dad would probably pull up with Aunt Patty right when the connect showed up! Or when they were smoking pot, some classically inopportune time. During their visit, eye got to smoke 5MEO-DMT (cute wavy visuals and spinning colors), followed by weed. Eye had a bad trip about how miserable eye was (situation at the time very bad with Angel, quite dissatisfied/bored/lonely, and then how m'eye dad was sure to cut me off,) and then the weed - as it likes to make me slow and eye "get stuck" on things - reinforced this. And, as if! eye needed any more obsessive head-images of taking Baby (m'eye cat, the only "one" in the world who means anything to me, really, when it comes down to it) and LuaBelle (other cat) to the pound, and going off to live with the homeless by the highway. What life was left for me? And eye may as well save up the last of m'eye unemployment to overdose. (Eye spent the following weeks EXTREMELY depressed, disappointing bc prior to the whole ordeal, eye'd semi-recently stopped taking Abilify, and after that wore out of me, eye was starting to get some signs of oncoming mania/hypomania.) The girl left me with some Suboxone, so there it was! it could travel "through the grapevine" in m'eye circle of friends, back to Tanner, back to JJ, that eye was quitting. (But eye no longer had any plan to quit, earlier this year eye did, but by the time, in the months it took the girl to get me the Suboxone, the desire had faded away - which eye hid from her in order to get the pills.)
Though eye spent the whole month terrified that eye was about to be drug tested, possibly at a time eye "wasn't ready," or about to be hauled off to rehab, or dad was about to call with the news that he was "done," nothing happened. It wasn't even MENTIONED to me, except by m'eye brother, saying that he'd heard through a concerned friend that eye was on heroin, and asked if it was true... Eye was like, "Oh that..." and told him about having a couple of drunken nights, and in the successive weeks eye'd pieced together, through conversations/emails/texts with people, that it seemed while drunk, eye'd made up some shit for attention, and that he had nothing to worry about. In the next week, eye talked to various people in m'eye family about an "upcoming job possibility" which included multiple interviews prior to being hired, and that eye'd had to take a drug test after the first interview, and that a few days after that, eye was called to come back for another interview. Eye said taking the job would depend on what kind of school schedule eye ended up with. (And, guess what - school schedule's all over the place, during business hours... no room for a regular job.)
What's really stupid about the whole situation is that eye didn't see it coming. In 2002, when JJ lived with me, he decided to move out because eye was tweeking (he hates tweekers, it was uncomfortable, eye spent almost all m'eye time away from home - neglecting Baby.) After he was gone, he decided to email m'eye mom about how eye was tweeking, and how he thought eye was determined to die bc of a friend of mine that had OD'd, that eye was attempting to go the same way (another story.) Anyhow, when m'eye mom saw me, she questioned me about it. And eye lied. She threatened to drug test me, but never did. (that would have been WAY invasive considering eye supported myself, but she IS a pretty invasive person.) And did his betrayal "For my own good" accomplish a damn thing? NO! It just pissed people off. Eye ended up quitting meth on m'eye own later that year, for reasons all m'eye own, when eye was done with it. And did the traitor(s) accomplish a damn thing this time? NO! It.Just.Pissed.People.Off. And ruined friendships. Eye suppose eye thought JJ had "grown up enough" that getting all junior-high with it and tattling wasn't going to happen. Eye figured that since he now lives across the country, m'eye life REALLY has nothing to do with his, doesn't affect him, and he wouldn't say anything. Not so. And so now, to prevent that stupid "grapevine" effect, eye have to "don the mask of sobriety" to people eye previously considered good friends.
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