The Hole That We Call Our Home

Wec, Angel had picked up another chick. He was in love. She was faking a relationship to get by, something that she has a history of doing. Eye paid him back, paid all the extra bullshit he came up with too. So he started borrowing from me to support both of their habits. Hers surpassed his. The house of cards tumbled. Borrowing against rent and bills, he could not keep it up forever. We got evicted. She took off. Eye found a place to go. (Which is in the hood instead of my beloved barrios of nine years.) He tried detox and lasted two days.  Then tried methadone. Then ended up in the hospital for weeks- pneumonia and a blood clot between his heart and brain. He found somewhere else to go and still wants that girl back.

Eye've adjusted to somewhere else. Enjoyed living alone. Haven't been sick any more than before, maybe even less. But now have a new guy... Eye've known him about a year and a half and loved ot when he came around. It wasn't planned or anything. He found himself between places and was going to give me some money to stay for about a week. He went to LA yo take care if an old warrant and got stuck all week. Eye thought about him and wished things were different. He returned and admitted feelings for me. So we're gonna see what happens. It's been great. No demands about changing anything on either side. He's funny and sweet and it's wonderful to live with someone nice for a change! Eye adore him and am so happy. He's a tweeker. (But we get along great.) Can take care of his own shit and if not then well, he just sleeps ha. So no drug fights or whatever, freaking out, getting mean, manipulation... He's really sweet to me and Eye'm loving it.

Met a new junkie chick so she's coming by for shit... Already has asked me to spot her. Ugh. Didn't and couldn't anyway. Today found out she's smoking it and has only been on it for a couple months. So there goes any potential pity ha ha.

That's about it. Other than finally switching to smartphone for internet purposes. Got it for free but still took over a weelbto finally do it.

Hope things turn out well. Will try to get stable. If not, gonna save up to move to San Diego.

What? A Junkie Complaining? NEVER!

Ugh... so today when eye went out, m'eye bottle of crystal light was not completely closed, it leaked over everything - including the phone.  So - now it's hanging out in a bag of rice.  Since eye can't waste the day reading stuff online with the phone, here eye am.

Eye've been scraping by as of late...  sold m'eye books back at a bookstore.  Because only one store was open, the one that doesn't pay well, and they'd "changed policies" what should have netted me $80-100 left me with $26.  Eye knew eye was being screwed.  Eye smiled and took the cash anyway.  Eye've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long, using the hell out of them, as long as they think does coming at the end, they'll do it.  Eye don't find this inaccurate.

The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams.  There are so many things wrong with this. First off - there are two different types of dope.  There's the more expensive ones and the regular ones.  The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes.  So now eye'm stuck doing sub par shit.  It's also very hard for me to regulate.  Individually packaged balloons, eye'll take one, sometimes two.  With a half - eye end up with three shots.  So this is typically used post scoring, before bed, and then in the morning.  Since eye like to lounge after waking up, by the time eye'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don't want to do anything.  Lately, eye've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don't have at least $35? You're screwed.  Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money, only ended up with twenty bucks.  Lovely.  Completely useless.  So this morning eye was feeling like crap.  Luckily,  Angel decided he'd give me one Dilaudid (eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot), which he wouldn't do last night.  It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel "cheery" for about an hour.  In other words, no nod, but better than just feeling normal.  Eye left and ended up making more than expected.  Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!

Then eye had to come home, and Angel didn't want to wake up and call, didn't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control.  Years ago, he "forbid" the dealer from dealing with me.  But one phone call when he wasn't home, and telling the dealer he wouldn't find out, was the end of that, unless Angel is here.  Recently, while he was hospitalized, eye admitted eye could call for myself, and had been for some time.  But now that he's home - ha.  And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn't want to deal with me.  Really?  Haha.  Ok dude.  So, after someone else showed up to buy pills, he called, and eye settled down for a long, boring wait.  But they were fast.  The driver and his buddy arrived, perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was (they've been tweeking lately.)  They had no change, but the buddy drove me to the corner store.  When eye was inside, eye thought he'd left.  Then when eye got in, eye briefly thought he was the other guy.  Eye told him about it, and he wanted to know why.  Lack of drugs.  But why?  Eye can't function properly without them, and pretty soon, "It'll be the same for you, except you won't get sick."  He told me not to say anything else about it.  That, and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior, leads me to believe they're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension. It isn't - it's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures, and just being honest.  Oh well.

M'eye veins have been HELL lately.  Eye know eye mention it often enough, but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day?  Ridiculous.  Angel doesn't want to help, but geez, m'eye Parkinson's-unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for.  If it took me seconds, up to a couple minutes maybe, most times when shooting myself or other people up, and eye didn't manage to fuck up, eye wouldn't make a big deal about shooting someone up!  Seriously!

Well....  eye guess, even though eye don't need to really worry about it just yet, eye should get back on the whole money-making thing, instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush.  Or at least uh... enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty.

Blasphemy

A few weeks ago (has it been a few weeks?) eye was walking to the bus stop from school and was offered a ride.  Eye accepted. 

The guy asked if it was ok if he stopped somewhere first.  Yeah, go ahead.  He had to drop something for a friend.  Did eye party?  Depends on what.  Of course, the dude is a tweeker.

We stopped at this older guy's apartment.  He broke out a bowl an put some meth in it.  He offered it to me.  Eye said eye'm not sure, eye quit tweeking ten years ago.  Eye'd think about it.  Eye had done it one time in those last ten years, split a bowl with this guy, it was ok.

About the third time he offered, eye accepted.  He held it and lit it for me.  And then it was passed around the three of us.  The guy who'd takn me there started getting a little touchy feely.  But there's no harm in a back massage, it doesn't mean eye have to put out.  And put out for meth of all things?  Bitch, please.

Eye started getting a really bad headache.  They said eye should take a shower, and that it wasn't because the meth was bad because they were fine.  Yeah, of course not, it's just me.  Eye tried running my head under some water.  It only helped briefy, so eye showered.  And then felt better.

The old guy was a crossdresser, so he said eye should try on some clothes for them.  Eye did.  That was pretty fun, and he said that eye could keep this tight flower dress.  Ok, cool.

We smoked more.  Why on earth eye did this after feeling bad the first time, is beyond me.  After a bit, eye started feeling like shit again, migraine.  Took a shower, felt a bit better, laid down and the first guy gave me a massage.  Old guy came in and started messing with my feet.  Uh, no, no - no three way for me, so eye got up before anyone got any ideas.  Well, "got" is not the right word, acted on would be the correct phrase.

Eye started to feel worse.  Eye ended up vomiting a few times, and some girl came over.  The guy who drove me said we should go, and old guy started getting an attitude.  He wanted his dress back, and tried to take it off of me.  Eye slipped into the bathroom and change clothes, gave it back.  We left.

The dude said that the guy had no place getting snippy like that just because he wasn't goin to get laid.  Eye said whatever, it's cool.  He said it isn't.  If a girl doesn't want it, she doesn't want it, no reason to get rude.  He said he'd get the dress back and to call him sometime.  Eye was dropped off.

Eye did some dope, felt mostly better but still not right.  Then had to go back down to the computer lab.

Eye spent the night feeling weird.  This ended up being the second day in which eye was up for most of three days, due to detoxing, then getting stuff but having to deal with making money, going to class, no time to sleep basically.  And for a few days afterward, eye still didn't feel right.  Eye tended to get headaches and feel quite vomitous.  Perhaps a speed allergy now?  Perhaps it's something eye cannot handle anymore.

Meth isn't something that appeals to me, nor something that eye crave or have craved since oh July 2002.  It's up, down, and all around me, but not something eye tend to accept when offered.  Why do it?  M'eye tweek period was quite a low period in life, so depressed, so worn out.  Unless binging, eye think eye sleep less now than eye did back then.  But eye decided to do it, so blasphemous for a dope girl who "came from" psychedelics to do something so useless (useless for me, eye am no productive nor creative tweeker.  What to do on meth?  More meth, of course.)  So now eye know not only is it a shit drug, it's shittier than ever for me.  Eye don't feel like spending days feeling ill, so no thanks.  It's been in my face since, and will be again, and there's no reason to piss off the Dope gods.

Back to the Swing of Things

Yeah it's been a while.  Busy with school, then a lazy week of dope, Dilaudid, and sleeping pills, then school computers were closed as eye curled up sick in bed or ran around attempting to make money.  Eye DID on and off keep up with most people's blogs, but cannot comment to them by phone, and if eye log into m'eye own blog on the phone, it shuts the stupid thing off.

School started today, appeal went through, obviously.  Eye did... decently.  Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think.  The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30.  Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00.  Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.

Angel found his biological father.  He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him.  He finally did, right around the end of the semester.  It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for.  His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home.  Fun stuff.  Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give.  What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.

Winter break wasn't too pleasant.  School library - closed.  Angel - gone to his mom's out of state.  Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save!  He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year.  Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever.  So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day.  Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked.  Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy.  Ended up with another gift card to sell.  New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas.  Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state.  Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible.  Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in.  Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation.  "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end."  During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade.  Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc.  So - nothing from him.  Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there.  Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight.  The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am.   Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home.  Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded.  Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.

We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something.  Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday.  He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.

Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc.  Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms.  What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.

Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books.  Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."