Earlier this year, around spring, eye lost the ability to use neck veins, which eye didn't like because eye didn't know where else to go, as other areas had "died" and the neck area had lasted for a couple of years. At this point, further evaluation had me conclude that eye "couldn't handle" this type of life. Eye planned to quit. And thought it would be a permanent quit, or at least one that resulted in very infrequent opiate use. Prior to this, eye was VERY conflicted about being addicted. There was a point in time that eye even attempted to quit every six weeks. But never stayed sober more than 7 days. Eye didn't want to be stuck, but hated life without it. And it had become far too tinged with meaning, too ingrained into identity. But this time, it seemed that eye was truly ready. Eye asked for some Suboxone from a friend of mine.
Well, it took at least 4 months for her to send the pills to me. By then, eye had discovered that arm veins had come back, and on this return, they didn't disappear again in six weeks. By then eye'd become re-accustomed to the whole routine, eye had plans, and the desire to quit had faded away.
Since then, eye have discovered that the whole thought that eye am incapable of functioning with a drug habit was a cop-out and an excuse for bad behavior and laziness. Getting behind in classes from not attending or doing homework, not keeping up on the house, being late to work and losing jobs (the work thing eye've ALWAYS had a problem with, long before heroin, coming from poor sleeping habits and sleeping through the alarm during senior year of high school - mom let me miss school & mess it up for myself - had to take a summer class to graduate. So the bad habit had begun, and maybe this is a mistake she made with me.) Eye am in school and class performance ranges from average to good (between As and Cs.) Eye have upcoming bills pre-paid. The difference is effort. Prior to this, pretty much everything was "too easy" for me. Eye could breeze through classes, rarely attending, rarely reading the textbooks, just reviewing notes that the professor posted online, then acing the tests, doing all papers at the last minute. So, now eye have to actually try. It's different and at times hard, but eye suppose this is just what it's like to be a human. So, maybe in a way it's a good thing and will teach me something.