Monday, November 7, 2011

Possible Benefits

Earlier this year, around spring, eye lost the ability to use neck veins, which eye didn't like because eye didn't know where else to go, as other areas had "died" and the neck area had lasted for a couple of years.  At this point, further evaluation had me conclude that eye "couldn't handle" this type of life.  Eye planned to quit.  And thought it would be a permanent quit, or at least one that resulted in very infrequent opiate use.  Prior to this, eye was VERY conflicted about being addicted.  There was a point in time that eye even attempted to quit every six weeks.  But never stayed sober more than 7 days.  Eye didn't want to be stuck, but hated life without it.  And it had become far too tinged with meaning, too ingrained into identity.  But this time, it seemed that eye was truly ready.  Eye asked for some Suboxone from a friend of mine.

Well, it took at least 4 months for her to send the pills to me.  By then, eye had discovered that arm veins had come back, and on this return, they didn't disappear again in six weeks.  By then eye'd become re-accustomed to the whole routine, eye had plans, and the desire to quit had faded away.

Since then, eye have discovered that the whole thought that eye am incapable of functioning with a drug habit was a cop-out and an excuse for bad behavior and laziness.  Getting behind in classes from not attending or doing homework, not keeping up on the house, being late to work and losing jobs (the work thing eye've ALWAYS had a problem with, long before heroin, coming from poor sleeping habits and sleeping through the alarm during senior year of high school - mom let me miss school & mess it up for myself - had to take a summer class to graduate.  So the bad habit had begun, and maybe this is a mistake she made with me.) Eye am in school and class performance ranges from average to good (between As and Cs.)  Eye have upcoming bills pre-paid.  The difference is effort.  Prior to this, pretty much everything was "too easy" for me.  Eye could breeze through classes, rarely attending, rarely reading the textbooks, just reviewing notes that the professor posted online, then acing the tests, doing all papers at the last minute.  So, now eye have to actually try.  It's different and at times hard, but eye suppose this is just what it's like to be a human.  So, maybe in a way it's a good thing and will teach me something.


  1. I bet you don't have any sleeping issues with H unless you are out of it of course. Best drug for insomnia ever! heh. I have to use a bit of self control when it comes to using and work much like with your classes I would think. Just cannot slam a huge shot first thing in the morning and nod out for 4 hrs in front of the TV like my friend J& his gf do most days anymore, drawing unemployment, food stamps, Section 8 housing, and they are even on a Utility Rescue payment plan through a local church meaning they pay most of his electric, gas, and water bills. See we have to try, and it is hard but it is also a good thing. Functional addicts maybe.

  2. That's what's really, really weird! Eye totally DO have problems getting to sleep. Mostly during the summer. Of course, night shot tends to happen HOURS before it's sleepy time, so maybe that has something to do with it. But there's other times it doesn't matter if shot just had, it doesn't PUT me to sleep, although most of the time, it makes it easier. Being a lazy fuckass can be entertaining for a little while, and kind of nice, but to me it gets boring. Last time eye had unemployment, eye spent a couple months just laying around pretty much, it got to the point where eye dreaded EVER having to leave the house, but at the same time was super dissatisfied with life. Once eye was forced to sort of join the world again, was less depressed, imagine that! Eye think that the whole "functional" thing is a mix of circumstance and choices. Like a guy living on the street, well, it's going to be pretty damn hard for him to work and get back to a "regular" life, but if you do all you can to avoid getting into that circumstance in the first place, you should be relatively ok.

  3. What is your heroin like? Is it lumps or powder and what colour? is it proper heroin or tar? Do you ever need to add citric to break it down? Ours is nearly always Afghan brown meaning you absolutely must add either a fruit acid or neat vitamin C or lemon juice or you won't get a hit. Then it stings and the nasty acid erodes veins almost as fast as tar (so I'm told). Very very rarely we get proper H4 which stirs up cold or cooks without any sparkly acidic granules but I've only come across that twice in ten years!

    Also how much does it cost for what weight and how much would you put in a hit? And how much would you use on a typical day?

    Just being nosey as per usual!

    PS I saw a survey on one of the drugs forums and everybody's maximum (as in maximum ever, not what they use every week, I got the impression) seemed to be between a sixteenth of an ounce and about 2.5g per day which makes sense as I heard the research they did in Switzerland shows your receptors are totally saturated at these doses, you've literally got to the stage where you do not need any more. What luxury!!

  4. "Proper" ha ha.

    It's the good ol tar, staple of the southwest, big money-maker for La M (the Mexican Mafia.) Occasionally, it's powder, which is pretty much still tar, because if you blow on it a while, guess what it turns into! No citric, just water & heat. Once, left it boiling on the stove burner too long while doing something in another room, and it actually turned back into a lump of melted tar.

    East Coast Heroin, used it the first time eye ever did it, which was years before ever doing it again. Eye snorted it. Oh, silly me!

    It's $10 for .1-.2g bags (in balloons actually, it's like a little present. Puncture the balloon, unwrap a foil ball inside, and unwrap the plastic inside of that, and there is your lil ball of joy!), depending on who you buy from. $70/gram up here, and ours does different deals for buying quantity, like buy $100 get 2 free, $200 and 5 free, $1200 and get 42 free, not a clue what it is after that!

    Typical day is 2-3 bags. One bag each hit, sometimes two in one. But lately, it seems on the days eye do more, eye'd rather have an extra shot to do than a better hit, damn needle fixation and wanting "something to do." Quite foolish at this stage in vein (lack of) availability.

    Most eye ever did in a day was 10 bags, many of them in separate hits, and after a point, sure enough, having another shot didn't really "do anything" to me, so that's pretty true. had a roommate who would literally do everything he bought in one day, sometimes two, and so on days he got $200, he would just lay around shooting up all day, and often also did "rinses" past the point of them just being clear. So useless. He said he didn't understand how eye could keep tolerance so low, so silly. He didn't NEED to be doing that much, he wondered the reason he couldn't really feel it anymore. He was doing all this after being on it about 3 years, (although was doing about half to a gram a day after about a year) when eye know addicts with 15-year habits on 5 a day. His tolerance wasn't something he just naturally needed, it was a problem he created himself, and never seemed to realize that.

  5. you got 2 years out of your neck? wow

    i've never gone there. i'd do my femoral before my neck. too scared of the drs having nowhere to go when they really need to put a line in!

  6. i just read your answer re the gear; yeah the more you use the more you need and if you use a lot it just feels like you're doing filters/washouts/rinses and not proper hits
    i've been doing gear this week but still can't properly feel it I blame low quality gear + methadone

  7. yeah, the neck thing is funny because most people don't get long out of it, and eye have shitty little veins, yet it just lasted & lasted. Eye thought it was pretty cool, and eye miss it. Maybe it's psychological, but it seemed to hit the fastest there. Right now, able to use hand (hey! full circle, right back where eye started!) and it seems to take longer to hit me than using arms, and so on.

  8. Ugh, yeah eye would be pretty mad if quality got cut in half a few times over the course of a "using career." It would make me be confused over moving out of the country, just quitting, or switching to the stronger opiate pills (Dilaudid.) & very glad eye've never officially "gotten" on methadone, just used to tide me over for up to five days, one five day period was a "quit attempt." Eye was completely off methadone on day 6, and by day 7, was using again! Oh, goodness, eye'm glad not to be on a "blocker." And very happy eye no longer am in the "conflicted" stage that used to make me try to quit pretty often, and eye was miserable on or off it! (Well, not while ON during the rush or if nodding out, but the rest of the day quite was disappointed in self and about life in general.) Blah, at least eye can enjoy myself and be a semblance of a person now rather than a miserable pile of goo.