Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Done for the Day
Ha way too much from me all in one go. Finally about to get "settled" and leave. Will plead that some damn pills be left for me, or go find some otherwise. Because other than that, it's all the whims of others, and eye HATE having to rely on that, in any form. Buh B'eye, perhaps eye'll take some time out from working on stuff at an internet cafe to blurt everything out, just in case.
Change Your Taste In. Men
So... eye stole 50.. sometime around the end of October? He owed me 50, said he couldn't pay me anything, right before getting 400, which he knew about. (Angel) And so, he said he's throwing me out. Leave by January, and he keeps m'eye January money order already made out to the landlord. And wants to keep my washer and dryer. Supposedly eye should owe him for messing up his computer, the free computer he got from his mom, which eye already put money toward fixing. Which he prob recharged me for multiple times. His mom bought him another. And for the deposit on the house, which eye paid by the way. And to clean up the house, which he admitted he's having one of his pill clients do for him (while intoxicated he admitted this.) Some POS who always borrows from him, and now he'll rarely do shit for me, even if eye'm about to get cash. A bottom of the barrel worst choice to move in, but better than eye am eye suppose. (ha can't wait, within two months bet his pills will get stolen.) Poor baby needs to make the house nice to attract a decent tenant, and he's getting thousands of dollars for Christmas? Come on. And he's gotten meaner and meaner. And every deal we do make, he forgets, then accuses me of trying to fuck him over, while eye get screwed. And sometimes he yells at me to leave within x amount of time, nice one, you already said that, how would it be a threat anymore? He's "decided" this and gone back on it so many times during our time together, either eye need to go or he's about to. Fuck eye wish people would say what they mean.
And so, eye've been seeing people, guys. Not a many as one may think, but seeing them nonetheless. Why not? First off, we never agreed to be monogamous. Though HE has not acted on that, as of yet. Secondly, he's trying to say we haven't "really" been together in years (odd bc of some possessive shit he said back in June, and other stuff he's said, ways he's been since.) So funny, he says he wants to stay friends. Eye say, you'll never hear from me again. If he truly considers us just friends, and treats me like this, why on earth would eye want to be around, especially when truly getting nothing out of it, and still likely expected to run errands, etc. Who needs enemies with friends like this, etc.
And these people, these situations, in which one would expect to feel used, objectified - eye feel more cared for, attended to, liked, appreciated, and treated SO much better than someone who's supposed to love me, who supposedly still cares so deeply and more than he should? What the hell?
So much more beneficial. In so many ways.
The other night, there was some BS about him wanting me to buy from him, something he got for free, rather than him calling for me. Eye told him it was unfair, and then said fine, eye'll do it. Then he was on the phone, eye asked who he was calling. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! Told him, if he was calling, not to because eye'd already taken his offer, was making a shot. He called anyway, then asked where the shit went, give it back, etc. Told him eye'd told him twice, guess he tuned me out. He said eye never said shit. Raised his fist back and took a step toward me. "Don't you dare, don't you FUCKING dare!" He sat down and bitched. Another time he was going to hit me, quite eye threatened calling the cops. Every once in a while, he asks how can he trust ME after that shit? Again, what the hell?
He can go ahead and try to convinve my dad to let him keep the washer and dryer, after that they'll hear about every threat and every little incident. See whose side they are on then. See how much they really think he's been "taking care of me" then.
There are various reasons eye'm upset about this, and a big one is it ruins plans, basically eye had a guaranteed existence with him, one that had to be waited for, but still something to fall back on. And for all the years people told me to leave, all the shit he's pulled, why is HE the one to decide things?
Never trust a guy with two names.
He's about to leave to his mom's for the holidays, and for once is trying to do something nice for me, so of course that isn't working out. Whatever. Who knows what he'll return to? Eye am feeling very rash and very, very done. At the very least, eye want to move out without saying a word. After all, after dealing with his mom and not having to deal with me for a while, and thinking about shit, he'll probably change his mind...
So say what the fuck you mean, for once.
And so, eye've been seeing people, guys. Not a many as one may think, but seeing them nonetheless. Why not? First off, we never agreed to be monogamous. Though HE has not acted on that, as of yet. Secondly, he's trying to say we haven't "really" been together in years (odd bc of some possessive shit he said back in June, and other stuff he's said, ways he's been since.) So funny, he says he wants to stay friends. Eye say, you'll never hear from me again. If he truly considers us just friends, and treats me like this, why on earth would eye want to be around, especially when truly getting nothing out of it, and still likely expected to run errands, etc. Who needs enemies with friends like this, etc.
And these people, these situations, in which one would expect to feel used, objectified - eye feel more cared for, attended to, liked, appreciated, and treated SO much better than someone who's supposed to love me, who supposedly still cares so deeply and more than he should? What the hell?
So much more beneficial. In so many ways.
The other night, there was some BS about him wanting me to buy from him, something he got for free, rather than him calling for me. Eye told him it was unfair, and then said fine, eye'll do it. Then he was on the phone, eye asked who he was calling. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! Told him, if he was calling, not to because eye'd already taken his offer, was making a shot. He called anyway, then asked where the shit went, give it back, etc. Told him eye'd told him twice, guess he tuned me out. He said eye never said shit. Raised his fist back and took a step toward me. "Don't you dare, don't you FUCKING dare!" He sat down and bitched. Another time he was going to hit me, quite eye threatened calling the cops. Every once in a while, he asks how can he trust ME after that shit? Again, what the hell?
He can go ahead and try to convinve my dad to let him keep the washer and dryer, after that they'll hear about every threat and every little incident. See whose side they are on then. See how much they really think he's been "taking care of me" then.
There are various reasons eye'm upset about this, and a big one is it ruins plans, basically eye had a guaranteed existence with him, one that had to be waited for, but still something to fall back on. And for all the years people told me to leave, all the shit he's pulled, why is HE the one to decide things?
Never trust a guy with two names.
He's about to leave to his mom's for the holidays, and for once is trying to do something nice for me, so of course that isn't working out. Whatever. Who knows what he'll return to? Eye am feeling very rash and very, very done. At the very least, eye want to move out without saying a word. After all, after dealing with his mom and not having to deal with me for a while, and thinking about shit, he'll probably change his mind...
So say what the fuck you mean, for once.
Ok.. Eye Believe You
Some owed money &girl drama - supposedly it all starts tomorrow. Sure, soon as it was around 10am, knew something was up. Bellieve when eye see it, in the meantime, better get something else going. And still have to get to do a final. Blah.
And So It Goes
Morning visitors have not materialized. Guess eye'll finish what eye said eye would, and then arrange my day as usual, or otherwise. Did my morning shot about half an hour after eye woke up (3:30) and would rather do something again. Yesterday/end of day prior - all terrible, and don't want to be on "bare minimum" nor have this minimum not show up anyway, eye expected to have the two already, and eye'd go ahead and... get needles, get money to buy my book back, go study and do my final, write my essay. Blah blah blah. More to come..
A Post-Whore Kind of Day
The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password? AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense? Come on.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein. Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems. And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?
Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month. It was not a request for assistance. It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing. It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are. But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%. So stupid to say, but it happend.
Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards. So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet? And then, it turns again. How fucking confusing.
Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning. How damn boring. Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.
Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone. Minimally, but at least at all. He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me. But that all depends on what happens, or what does not. Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.
Blasphemy
A few weeks ago (has it been a few weeks?) eye was walking to the bus stop from school and was offered a ride. Eye accepted.
The guy asked if it was ok if he stopped somewhere first. Yeah, go ahead. He had to drop something for a friend. Did eye party? Depends on what. Of course, the dude is a tweeker.
We stopped at this older guy's apartment. He broke out a bowl an put some meth in it. He offered it to me. Eye said eye'm not sure, eye quit tweeking ten years ago. Eye'd think about it. Eye had done it one time in those last ten years, split a bowl with this guy, it was ok.
About the third time he offered, eye accepted. He held it and lit it for me. And then it was passed around the three of us. The guy who'd takn me there started getting a little touchy feely. But there's no harm in a back massage, it doesn't mean eye have to put out. And put out for meth of all things? Bitch, please.
Eye started getting a really bad headache. They said eye should take a shower, and that it wasn't because the meth was bad because they were fine. Yeah, of course not, it's just me. Eye tried running my head under some water. It only helped briefy, so eye showered. And then felt better.
The old guy was a crossdresser, so he said eye should try on some clothes for them. Eye did. That was pretty fun, and he said that eye could keep this tight flower dress. Ok, cool.
We smoked more. Why on earth eye did this after feeling bad the first time, is beyond me. After a bit, eye started feeling like shit again, migraine. Took a shower, felt a bit better, laid down and the first guy gave me a massage. Old guy came in and started messing with my feet. Uh, no, no - no three way for me, so eye got up before anyone got any ideas. Well, "got" is not the right word, acted on would be the correct phrase.
Eye started to feel worse. Eye ended up vomiting a few times, and some girl came over. The guy who drove me said we should go, and old guy started getting an attitude. He wanted his dress back, and tried to take it off of me. Eye slipped into the bathroom and change clothes, gave it back. We left.
The dude said that the guy had no place getting snippy like that just because he wasn't goin to get laid. Eye said whatever, it's cool. He said it isn't. If a girl doesn't want it, she doesn't want it, no reason to get rude. He said he'd get the dress back and to call him sometime. Eye was dropped off.
Eye did some dope, felt mostly better but still not right. Then had to go back down to the computer lab.
Eye spent the night feeling weird. This ended up being the second day in which eye was up for most of three days, due to detoxing, then getting stuff but having to deal with making money, going to class, no time to sleep basically. And for a few days afterward, eye still didn't feel right. Eye tended to get headaches and feel quite vomitous. Perhaps a speed allergy now? Perhaps it's something eye cannot handle anymore.
Meth isn't something that appeals to me, nor something that eye crave or have craved since oh July 2002. It's up, down, and all around me, but not something eye tend to accept when offered. Why do it? M'eye tweek period was quite a low period in life, so depressed, so worn out. Unless binging, eye think eye sleep less now than eye did back then. But eye decided to do it, so blasphemous for a dope girl who "came from" psychedelics to do something so useless (useless for me, eye am no productive nor creative tweeker. What to do on meth? More meth, of course.) So now eye know not only is it a shit drug, it's shittier than ever for me. Eye don't feel like spending days feeling ill, so no thanks. It's been in my face since, and will be again, and there's no reason to piss off the Dope gods.
The guy asked if it was ok if he stopped somewhere first. Yeah, go ahead. He had to drop something for a friend. Did eye party? Depends on what. Of course, the dude is a tweeker.
We stopped at this older guy's apartment. He broke out a bowl an put some meth in it. He offered it to me. Eye said eye'm not sure, eye quit tweeking ten years ago. Eye'd think about it. Eye had done it one time in those last ten years, split a bowl with this guy, it was ok.
About the third time he offered, eye accepted. He held it and lit it for me. And then it was passed around the three of us. The guy who'd takn me there started getting a little touchy feely. But there's no harm in a back massage, it doesn't mean eye have to put out. And put out for meth of all things? Bitch, please.
Eye started getting a really bad headache. They said eye should take a shower, and that it wasn't because the meth was bad because they were fine. Yeah, of course not, it's just me. Eye tried running my head under some water. It only helped briefy, so eye showered. And then felt better.
The old guy was a crossdresser, so he said eye should try on some clothes for them. Eye did. That was pretty fun, and he said that eye could keep this tight flower dress. Ok, cool.
We smoked more. Why on earth eye did this after feeling bad the first time, is beyond me. After a bit, eye started feeling like shit again, migraine. Took a shower, felt a bit better, laid down and the first guy gave me a massage. Old guy came in and started messing with my feet. Uh, no, no - no three way for me, so eye got up before anyone got any ideas. Well, "got" is not the right word, acted on would be the correct phrase.
Eye started to feel worse. Eye ended up vomiting a few times, and some girl came over. The guy who drove me said we should go, and old guy started getting an attitude. He wanted his dress back, and tried to take it off of me. Eye slipped into the bathroom and change clothes, gave it back. We left.
The dude said that the guy had no place getting snippy like that just because he wasn't goin to get laid. Eye said whatever, it's cool. He said it isn't. If a girl doesn't want it, she doesn't want it, no reason to get rude. He said he'd get the dress back and to call him sometime. Eye was dropped off.
Eye did some dope, felt mostly better but still not right. Then had to go back down to the computer lab.
Eye spent the night feeling weird. This ended up being the second day in which eye was up for most of three days, due to detoxing, then getting stuff but having to deal with making money, going to class, no time to sleep basically. And for a few days afterward, eye still didn't feel right. Eye tended to get headaches and feel quite vomitous. Perhaps a speed allergy now? Perhaps it's something eye cannot handle anymore.
Meth isn't something that appeals to me, nor something that eye crave or have craved since oh July 2002. It's up, down, and all around me, but not something eye tend to accept when offered. Why do it? M'eye tweek period was quite a low period in life, so depressed, so worn out. Unless binging, eye think eye sleep less now than eye did back then. But eye decided to do it, so blasphemous for a dope girl who "came from" psychedelics to do something so useless (useless for me, eye am no productive nor creative tweeker. What to do on meth? More meth, of course.) So now eye know not only is it a shit drug, it's shittier than ever for me. Eye don't feel like spending days feeling ill, so no thanks. It's been in my face since, and will be again, and there's no reason to piss off the Dope gods.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Squalor
Ugh, the morning. It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out. Read, and look. Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing. Wait. Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road. As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is. Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late. But how long will that be? Put something, somewhere. Put practically nothing, anywhere. And now, eye feel practically the same.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
Last night was useless. Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled. Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean. It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters. Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.
And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others. The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience. Potentially vomiting on other people. Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...
The house, it looks like shit. Eye can't bring myself to care. Eye can't bring myself to care about much. What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable? They become either nothing, or even more attractive. Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January. It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons. But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about. An entire life and plan just sucked away. So screw all that.
So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend? Yeah fucking right.
And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result. Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other. But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of? But how to get to it in the first place? It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not. Plan B goes to shit? Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.
It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing. The whole effects of any of it thing. Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it. quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same. "Just drugs," oh -so sure. me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this. And many times, worse. Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up. This is me, having given up. He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas? That's his biggest concern? Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.
Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing. To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.
Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight. And it's the only concept that keeps me going. Short or long road - all so very circumstancial. Although short is so very glamourous to me right now. Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?
No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody. Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done. Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable. And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way.
Etc, so on, and so forth. Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.
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