Slow End of An Era

Quickest update possible -
The relationship - blissful til it wasn't. There are several complications involved, so many misunderstandings when people are on opposite drugs, especially when one of them has never had nor fathomed one truly physically dependent in such a way. And him being such a lonely creature... We bounced around weeklies, he'd befriend other tweekers, end up meeting the wrong ones, and eventually our place would get taken over. Get stalked, can't get away. My ability to ignore the door helped but his inability doomed it. And then, we'd have to leave. And usually were forced to, in not exactly legal circumstances. Move, repeat. Separated for a summer due to his lack of ID situation. Then moved in. And the shit half started up again. Various times of clamping down as this other place was more strict. But legal issues caught up to him. Right about the time we were on the rocks/precarious circumstances with our abode. That allowed me alone time, without the tweekers, got them out of the habit of coming around so much. Then he got out. And he quit tweeking! Mostly. The last times he did it, he was going really nuts. Shit other people saw in him, he was eventually realizing himself. So paranoid. Convinced people were after me, then convinced of me conspiring against him, lying and sneaking around. But he figured it out and stopped. And the people stopped coming around because they couldn't use him for meth anymore. He used coke as some stepping stone down, about a month or two. Then some argument made him realize how that wasn't good either, how he got so volatile. He said he was stopping and he did. Never bought any more. Unfortunately, in the past few weeks of this he'd been using this liquid oral morphine "backup" he bought for me, to come down. Kept going with it til it was out. In came heroin, due to developing a physical dependency. All those times wishing he'd "get it," when it came to me. But never, ever like this! Particularly because he has a horrible sense of self worth around being an addict. So miserable for him. The only benefit at all would be never going sick again really, not even an entire day anyhow. If unable to manage my own side of things, he'd cover for me. Perhaps the withdrawing into himself so it's mostly just us, rarely any scumbags around. But is that worth it? Never ever wanted that for him. His habit grew, and soon exceeded mine. Exacerbated by winter depression. His "taper" attempts never worked, just became months of logs of usually excessive use. Wrong drug perhaps, not "doing" enough for him? Til before going to detox. That did help. But got right back on after. Then had to go away to clean up, because he wasn't going to get clean around me, and certainly not together.

We're going to leave, move together. Because he's long sick of this city, all his realizations about shit people and the environment in general. Plus being from a very rural area, he's not cut out for the cut throat nature and lack of caring. It's gotten old for me as well, and have had dreams of leaving for years. Plus too many associations, ways of living that have been almost exclusively one way for so long. But there's loose ends and saving and setting up to do. So flirting with maintenance (Suboxone) for us even without physical dependency to consider because it's really fucking hard. So many associations and thought processes that are hard to break. He did it over a year, mine was near a decade, but if he sees me do it then he probably will as well. Just making it harder to get out of here.

There's a lot that's happened, so any returns here will likely focus on the years between, for a while.

The Hole That We Call Our Home

Wec, Angel had picked up another chick. He was in love. She was faking a relationship to get by, something that she has a history of doing. Eye paid him back, paid all the extra bullshit he came up with too. So he started borrowing from me to support both of their habits. Hers surpassed his. The house of cards tumbled. Borrowing against rent and bills, he could not keep it up forever. We got evicted. She took off. Eye found a place to go. (Which is in the hood instead of my beloved barrios of nine years.) He tried detox and lasted two days.  Then tried methadone. Then ended up in the hospital for weeks- pneumonia and a blood clot between his heart and brain. He found somewhere else to go and still wants that girl back.

Eye've adjusted to somewhere else. Enjoyed living alone. Haven't been sick any more than before, maybe even less. But now have a new guy... Eye've known him about a year and a half and loved ot when he came around. It wasn't planned or anything. He found himself between places and was going to give me some money to stay for about a week. He went to LA yo take care if an old warrant and got stuck all week. Eye thought about him and wished things were different. He returned and admitted feelings for me. So we're gonna see what happens. It's been great. No demands about changing anything on either side. He's funny and sweet and it's wonderful to live with someone nice for a change! Eye adore him and am so happy. He's a tweeker. (But we get along great.) Can take care of his own shit and if not then well, he just sleeps ha. So no drug fights or whatever, freaking out, getting mean, manipulation... He's really sweet to me and Eye'm loving it.

Met a new junkie chick so she's coming by for shit... Already has asked me to spot her. Ugh. Didn't and couldn't anyway. Today found out she's smoking it and has only been on it for a couple months. So there goes any potential pity ha ha.

That's about it. Other than finally switching to smartphone for internet purposes. Got it for free but still took over a weelbto finally do it.

Hope things turn out well. Will try to get stable. If not, gonna save up to move to San Diego.

Same Shit Different Year

Last night, a friend was talking to me over text. One drunken night (both of us coincidentally) we chatted on the phone and he told me that he could "only imagine" because eye probably don't even tell him the worst of everything. Perhaps some part of me took that as a challenge, because eye have since been very open when the mood strikes. One of the things he told me last night is that he doesn't like to think of me because it makes him cry. (He was probably drunk, come to think of it now... Eye'll probably be informed of that later today, as he tends to come back and apologize with that statement later.) Eye found that pretty silly, and told him that really, there's nothing to get all crazy about. That in accordance with how eye am, it isn't like much is all that different. (Which is something eye bring up repeatedly.) That perhaps now eye'm just more honest with myself than before, with my narcissistic notions of being "meant for bigger than this" and never wanting a normal life, but a plain lack of follow-through, what am eye to do? Eye could die, eye can distract myself, or eye can find a way to make it acceptable. He said, "BULLSHIT." Eye distracted myself for seven years, and eye've made a plain life acceptable for six. Eye said maybe eye'll figure out something else in a year, or maybe not.

Later on, eye told him that eye'd rather he punch me in the face than cry about me. That it's set up just to make me feel guilty - or a double heaping because eye have to feel guilty about not feeling guilty! But with irritation attached. That eye find it extremely obnoxious that he lets himself be emotional about me, when even my overly invasive mother gave up on all that a while back. And after all the suicide watches, and in another time probably thinking eye'd end up on a feeding tube... at least with this eye'm probably more likely to still be alive at 50 than anything else. And with this history of mine, what did he expect, me to suddenly get "better"? Why be involved in that way, when everyone else has just learned to distance themselves or stand back?

It's been over a year now since m'eye ex best friend died. And only very recently did it "hit" me, as in affect me. Eye was walking down the street, going to the convenience store, when suddenly my memory brought me back to October 2006, going up the Stratosphere with him, standing in the middle of the double elevator, in a K hole, hanging onto his hand so tightly, so afraid we were going to fall out, convinced that the elevator was open on the sides. The ride itself, once we'd gotten to the top, ended up being relaxing. But what isn't in a K afterglow? And eye almost cried. Eye realized that would never happen again, that nothing would ever happen again. Maybe eye wasn't upset initially, because in a way, he died to m'eye life a few years prior, when he suddenly quit speaking to me, among most other people he knew. Or maybe other factors are involved, as the friend eye was speaking to last night said, "It's about time, you drugged out bitch!" Ah my friends can be fun, when they aren't having spastic emotional reactions in regards to me.

Other than that, eye recently found out that a little "insurance plan" of sorts that eye had long given up on, will actually work out for me. The person saw what eye saw long ago, the "earning it" thing. Eye also popped up with a business idea that eye had (not illegal) and will let that sink in. Hopefully that helps as well. Of course, there is no ETA on any of it, but hey, it'll be seven years at the end of next summer, so you never know. :)

Last Year, Version 2.0. A little bit better and a fuckload worse

Fucking prick, fucking cunt.  That's what eye have to say for now.  Sick of taking other people into consideration who shouldn't even fucking BE here in the first place.  That's the last time eye save, or split my last of something with someone who is well aware of my situation and wouldn't and does not do the same for me.  They were both well aware of what situation eye was in tonight.  Assholes.  Eye hope they kill each other.  Thinks it's punishment to get rid of me but really it's the best thing, what will actually happen is she'll skip out when she gets tired of it, or finds something better, or makes up her mind, or what the fuck ever. Leaving him to suffer alone.  Deserves every fucking second, and also deserves every minute of this girl's back & forth.  Eye certainly don't like miscommunication (repeated) and saying different things to different people, don't like that she's fucked up my stability, but the rest of it?  You fucking go girl.  (But go do what? Haha eye *wish*.)  Whatever.

The Mess That Eye'm In Is The One That Eye Made

A couple months back, went down to sell something eye shouldn't, found out that the stores were closed, but one was opening in an hour.  Wasted some time walking around, then went in the store, after that got some coffee.  Used the restroom, in the mirror - looked so fucking polished.  It made me laugh, the state eye was in, no visible clues.  Not so much the case the next time.

Too much "life contemplation" lately, maybe it's an age thing.  Maybe it's from being aware of what was coming.  Is what eye want even possible anymore, hold out for it?  Even Plan B looks very well fucked now, so give up or compromise - and what are the steps toward that?  In what situation can eye be somewhat content?

That on which eye used to be able to rely, and to fall back on, is not working out lately.  And by most indications, it's likely that m'eye one recurrent stability source is gone.

Walking down the Strip going to a bus stop, dropping dollars for every beggar on the way, one girl comments, "You must be from here, huh?  No one else does that."

Watching Cloud Atlas, a particular scene hitting me heavily.  Desires.

Ugh, our schizophrenic back neighbor, too often mistaken for a speed freak, has all sorts of fucking people going over to his house lately.  In & out, in and out.  Storing their carts of junk in the back yard.  A friend who was just over here caught someone, who came from back there, breaking into his car.  "What are you doing?"  The guy says "fuck you" and runs off.  No good for him, me, us, anyone.  Angel goes back there to raise hell, they deny everything.  Like things weren't shitty enough already.

Disjointed thoughts, hanging by a thread on a Sunday evening.  Usually alone for the holidays.  Not so far this time, it's just barely better than it usually is.

I Am Shiva, God of Death

 On Friday the 13th, after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially (highly likely) never-ending fiasco of shooting up, then attending to it, then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television, eye decided to check the phone.  It was blowing up with "Inbox Full, Delete Messages."  (Yes, quite old style of phone.  No hipster shit here, m'eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real.)  After sorting through them and returning phone calls, eye found out that m'eye ex best friend from back "home" (if it can be called such, eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that, and even m'eye connection to where eye spent m'eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving) Marty had died that day.

There was quite a bit of speculation - he'd been extremely ill for over a month, and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking.  But, he'd been getting better, then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday, died on Friday.  Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things.  But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class, eye interviewed his mother.  She told me about the lung issues he'd had as a child, the endless nights worrying.  He'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke, he had a nebulizer and inhaler... He used his inhaler in order to smoke, or smoke more.  M'eye aunt does the same thing.  Having a similar lung history to Angel, eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30, basically same story.  But that was all eye expected.

So many conversations.  So many people crying.  No tears from me, asshole as eye may be.  Only found one friend whose reaction was the same, which was quite comforting to me (and nope she isn't currently "cushioned", she's one of those who seem to prefer the on/off method, which eye'll never understand.)  We talked about how it was Friday the 13th, but he'd probably have liked the 11th better.  She said he'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live, he died.  Tanner talked about how they'd had a conversation in which he'd mentioned he thought he'd be in the "27 club" - dying at that age (although definitely not famous by then.... but don't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect, and probably wouldn't have been the way either, had he lived longer.)  It was a little over a month before he'd be 28.  But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously?  On a long alcohol binge, Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10,000th day.  He didn't.  Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing.  "That's dumb."  It is dumb.  He'd been clean a couple of years, except some weed here and there, eye don't even think he'd gotten drunk in the past couple?  He was in his second year of college.  But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know, the more "right" they do things, the worse shit seems to happen.  The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly.  A bit empty.  A bit offended.  Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away.  Maybe some regret?  He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m'eye contact info - eye did not oblige, eye ignored that text.  Hadn't decided if eye wanted contact, or at least this soon (almost three years.)  Through the grapevine, eye wasn't sure if eye liked who he'd become.  The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs (except he seemed to apply it everywhere, not just work) and elitism - qualities we both shared, but eye didn't like the way that they had combined, and changed in him.  And certainly didn't want him to just randomly ditch me liked last time and disappear without a word of explanation, even if the bullshit "reasons" would have been valid this time. Eye just thought eye had all the time in the world.

Eye texted with m'eye mom and sister about it.  Told m'eye sister that this does not make a great case for going back on medication, keeping one's life straight.  She replied back something like, "But getting clean would give you a better chance."  Eye gave her something like a, "regardless of circumstance at the time" eye have certain tendencies to fuck things up, one example being most job losses eye've had - eye was not on drugs (nor even occasionally using them) at the time.  Eye guess with m'eye family, because of how things are (them being aware that either eye have been or am currently on drugs - due to certain events in the past), eye couldn't ask for a better set-up.  Except the occasionally reference m'eye sister will make, and eye gloss past without a confirmation, nor ridiculous outcry of, "Eye am NOT on drugs!!!" it's kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing.  It would be stupid though, why ask questions you already know the answers to?  Eye don't want to hear it, and frankly neither do they.  Can you imagine, mom asks what have eye been up to, eye say, "Oh, going to classes, shooting up, lounging about watching movies..."  Don't think so.  And why make ultimatums when there's really nothing to be taken away, dad even cut me off from the occasional rent check to the landlord because, "I won't be around forever," as he's retiring in March and has had more than one heart scare in the last year, and lack of contact isn't really a threat, eye am just about as bad as m'eye father with "keeping in contact" or whatever.  If some guy came into a church in full punk rock or metal attire, and someone pointed out to him that he was wearing such attire... Moving on.

It's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him, m'eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - ""Eye'm not thin now, but eye will be soon."   (Oh and eye was!  45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first, 7 the second, 13 in the last two weeks. Being short, that's like a normal person losing oh 55-60.  Dissociatives, working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha.) Also, using a fork to comb m'eye hair when eye couldn't find a comb recently - use a "dinglehopper!"  (Day after DXM July 2005 in my car, couldn't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said, "Use a dinglehopper!" "Dinglehopper?  Oh - dinglehopper!"  A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid.  He took a picture too.)

It's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles, especially "certain" drug circles, young death is common.  But, except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren't close to me, it hadn't happened.  And hadn't happened in a long time.  But then again, maybe it isn't so weird.  After all, pretty much everyone had quit, or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m'eye absence.  Far as everything else goes, there's not really much, or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is.

If m'eye DXM-inspired death theory is right, then he has it made right now, he gets to be everything.  If his was, then he's real fuckin annoyed being a hospital bed right now.

It's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently, feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye'm expected to do, but just cannot.  Despite all these little things that are "pushing" me, several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much, much more difficult to survive.  Like eye'm supposed to die too.  Eye had wanted/planned to with m'eye kitty - to die the same day, but after her because eye didn't want her to have to hurt for m'eye absence.  Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her. There were a couple of years between the two deaths, but now they're both gone.  And in being so close to him in the past, plus the on/off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that's what eye'd do as well. With Baby - eye couldn't risk an "attempt" that didn't work, couldn't risk losing m'eye livelihood from falling apart.  With him- the desire just isn't there, and eye don't know why.  There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m'eye throat - and it's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something "small."  But it's always been the little things, well outside of being drunk and emotional. A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself.  But the bigger things just kind of move over me. This event hasn't even caused me to increase m'eye usage, eye've continued on the slow taper down - to better, more manageable levels.

It doesn't seem fair, but why would it?  With death - the timing, the choice of people never seem appropriate.  Unless it's old age and/or the person wants to die. Expect anything, expect anyone.  No reason to "tread carefully" - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible.  Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type.  He wasn't, he was just lucky.  The way he got out of the smuggling charge should've made at least that quite apparent.

No need to dwell, though.  People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while, but is this really going to change anything?  No.  Eye certainly won't pretend as much with me, like eye'm going to become someone else, or suddenly cherish everything and everyone.  Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things, everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case, it's only on earth, and maybe just matter for a small length of time.  So life's to do with it as you wish, make whatever you want of it, make nothing of it, who cares?  Create or destroy, do both, do neither.  Eye was quite the baby whatever, years before all this, and not depressed at all at the time, when JJ pegged me as "destructive."  Eye'm sure eye've heard the same in various forms before and after.

Way back when, figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side, and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side.  JJ has abandoned me to "life," and Marty is now gone in death... Guess it makes sense in strange ways.  Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives, or mixing both.  Death-tempting and/or death oriented, eye've been this way as far back as eye can remember.
This will happen, again and again, to everyone eye know.  To everyone you know.  You either accept it and move on, or you don't.

Eyes Without A Face

Why no one ever told me about the song, eye do not know.

How can anyone mourn the loss of someone who was never there to begin with?  For all of m'eye changes- eye am always, always the same.  Giving, but very selfish, self-centered, self-oriented, oblivious, etc.

Am eye a bad friend for considering making another friend wait at the Greyhound station so that eye can make more money?  It's not greed when it's survival, and rent isn't even paid.  Eye didn't make her wait, eye came with a ride... But eye did not visit her in the hospital while she was here.  Most of her "vacation" was pure misery, eye had no bus pass, but wouldn't have been impossible to get a ride over there.  Eye did get her a ride back here and back to the bus depot.

This summer has been very hard, hard as hell, "hard as nails."  Eye am not keen on having another one, another anything like it.  Yes eye spent a lot of time online, but wouldn't come back here to say anything. Eye had other priorities and besides - hate to blog when things are going shitty.  There's enough whiners, why be a downer - if someone wanted a downer, well - there are drugs for that.  That isn't the only reason.  Bonus Points to someone who can correctly decipher why.

Eye've encountered the stupidest circle ever.  Eye expected problems with financial aid.  There are none.  It could be sent to me Monday or Tuesday.  But - eye owe the community college $468.50 in order to go to UNLV, or any other school.  This is for supposedly dropped (actually failed) classes from spring semester of 2011.  Eye can appeal, but it will take a month or two.  So, to get it, eye have to pay something eye can't afford.  Eye've been barely able to get by all summer.  At least the other obstacle circle is no longer in the way - needing to pay to get the internet back on, but needing the internet to make money.  Family - completely unsympathetic.  "We live with the results of our choices."  "Why did you wait til the last minute to enroll?"  "Why didn't you get a job?"  "Maybe you should take a semester or two off and get a job."  Ha - if eye was able to get a good enough job and hang onto it - well, with no car to go to work AND school - eye'd be unwilling to quit and go back to living off of jack shit again while working on a degree.  Oh - cell phone is due to be shut off in a couple of days.  Eye need that, too in order to get this all together.

Fucked for Life.  No matter what, your life will always, always be fucked in some way, and if not - it will be soon.  So may as well accept it, and learn to love it.  That's m'eye fake gang with friends from where eye previously lived.

What? A Junkie Complaining? NEVER!

Ugh... so today when eye went out, m'eye bottle of crystal light was not completely closed, it leaked over everything - including the phone.  So - now it's hanging out in a bag of rice.  Since eye can't waste the day reading stuff online with the phone, here eye am.

Eye've been scraping by as of late...  sold m'eye books back at a bookstore.  Because only one store was open, the one that doesn't pay well, and they'd "changed policies" what should have netted me $80-100 left me with $26.  Eye knew eye was being screwed.  Eye smiled and took the cash anyway.  Eye've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long, using the hell out of them, as long as they think does coming at the end, they'll do it.  Eye don't find this inaccurate.

The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams.  There are so many things wrong with this. First off - there are two different types of dope.  There's the more expensive ones and the regular ones.  The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes.  So now eye'm stuck doing sub par shit.  It's also very hard for me to regulate.  Individually packaged balloons, eye'll take one, sometimes two.  With a half - eye end up with three shots.  So this is typically used post scoring, before bed, and then in the morning.  Since eye like to lounge after waking up, by the time eye'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don't want to do anything.  Lately, eye've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don't have at least $35? You're screwed.  Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money, only ended up with twenty bucks.  Lovely.  Completely useless.  So this morning eye was feeling like crap.  Luckily,  Angel decided he'd give me one Dilaudid (eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot), which he wouldn't do last night.  It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel "cheery" for about an hour.  In other words, no nod, but better than just feeling normal.  Eye left and ended up making more than expected.  Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step!

Then eye had to come home, and Angel didn't want to wake up and call, didn't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control.  Years ago, he "forbid" the dealer from dealing with me.  But one phone call when he wasn't home, and telling the dealer he wouldn't find out, was the end of that, unless Angel is here.  Recently, while he was hospitalized, eye admitted eye could call for myself, and had been for some time.  But now that he's home - ha.  And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn't want to deal with me.  Really?  Haha.  Ok dude.  So, after someone else showed up to buy pills, he called, and eye settled down for a long, boring wait.  But they were fast.  The driver and his buddy arrived, perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was (they've been tweeking lately.)  They had no change, but the buddy drove me to the corner store.  When eye was inside, eye thought he'd left.  Then when eye got in, eye briefly thought he was the other guy.  Eye told him about it, and he wanted to know why.  Lack of drugs.  But why?  Eye can't function properly without them, and pretty soon, "It'll be the same for you, except you won't get sick."  He told me not to say anything else about it.  That, and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior, leads me to believe they're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension. It isn't - it's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures, and just being honest.  Oh well.

M'eye veins have been HELL lately.  Eye know eye mention it often enough, but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day?  Ridiculous.  Angel doesn't want to help, but geez, m'eye Parkinson's-unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for.  If it took me seconds, up to a couple minutes maybe, most times when shooting myself or other people up, and eye didn't manage to fuck up, eye wouldn't make a big deal about shooting someone up!  Seriously!

Well....  eye guess, even though eye don't need to really worry about it just yet, eye should get back on the whole money-making thing, instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush.  Or at least uh... enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty.

The Tango Maureen aka The Adventures of Captain Save a Ho

One afternoon in January, when we were working on "winter cleaning" we heard a knock at the door.  There was a small, thin, nondescript, nice looking girl at the door.  Eye told Angel about it, and he said to let her in.  Her name was Maureen. She told us that Marcel had sent her over, looking for me, telling her that Angel doesn't let him see me.  He laughed and said it wasn't like that, he's more concerned with letting scum in the house than who sees me.  She told us that he had her steal some Pantene from the store, to sell to some lady, but That wasn't working out.  He told her that there was an alternative, come see me, "she always breaks off for me."  This wasn't true, eye'd helped him on a whim a month or so before.  The next time he came looking for me, eye had nothing to spare, and led him away from the house.  Angel proposed that he could help her with a bag, if she would clean the house.  She worked very hard, in between little smoking breaks and making small talk.  She said she was a "dancer" (meaning stripper.)  She seemed nice.  He told her to come back the following day.

The next day, Eric, one of Angel's pill clients, came over to help clean.  She also showed up.  They spent quite a bit of time talking in the back room.  Eric said he didn't trust her, never trust dancers, they're always about the money.  Once again, Angel brought up the whole thing about Marcel and not wanting him to see me.  "We haven't even been together in five years."  News to me, boy.  He felt the need to bring it up again at another point.  She talked to us about wanting to get away from all these people, who were up in her apartment, relying on her every day, her "friends."  She said she didn't want any friends, and was looking for something new.  Her boyfriend was away in jail, possibly to be deported.  He had previously "kept her" from people like this, but now without protection, everyone was out to get her.  Angel proposed the possibility of moving in.  He discussed it with me that night, asked if we can trust her.  Eye said that she seemed fine to me.  Why not .  Maybe she could have a spot on the couch or we could rotate rooms.

She ended up coming over more and more.  He offered her food.  She scarfed it down like she had not eaten in a while.  She probably hadn't.  As her presence became more pronounced, eye noticed that she was getting more and more touchy feely with Angel.  And why not?  Apparently we broke up five years ago.  It irritated me to no end, snuggling, laying on each other, hearing little smooches, her starting to stay nights in his room.  Now, why doesn't she move in to the back room with him?  Excuse me?

She disappeared   He was unable to reach her by phone.  He was mostly worried, and partially suspicious.  She ended up calling him back after being gone for a week, with some bullshit story about this and that, and now she'd just gotten ripped off across town.  Can she come by?  Yeah, but he wants to talk to her.  He told me it sounded like a bunch of crap.  Of course.  But by the time she was here, he had softened to her, was all sweet and nice, told me to grab stuff at the store so he could talk to her.  When eye came back, everything seemed great between them.  He told me that the way she told the story to him, it sounded legitimate.  Whatever dude.  She's using you, enjoy that.  But oh no, he didn't think so.

He told me that no one had cared for him in a long time, and he "needs this."  So, eye've just been putting up with your crap all for fun, apparently.  Eye don't give a shit, that's why eye spend so much time on doing stuff for you.  Nice.  Eye guess he liked the fake attention, the pretending to be interested in things, the overly affectionate bullshit, the "baby, baby, baby" crap.

Eventually, he noticed how upset eye was regarding her.  He asked me why, and he didn't understand.  Eye told him eye'd rather they just fuck then get all googly over each other.

She'd stay a couple days, she'd disappear a week.  He would hate her more as time progressed, then as soon as she was back, he seemed head over heels all over again.

After a few disappearances, he wanted me to go seek her out in her apartments.  Eye pretended to go, on a day eye went and got a haircut, clothes, etc instead.  The next night, he went down to search for himself, the way he should.  How offensive to ask me to go seek out a girl he's enamored with, and who at the same time is using him for drugs?  No fucking way.  He found out that the apartment he'd walked her to but she hadn't allowed him unto - was trashed and she'd actually been evicted from.  She'd been fired for theft.  She was basically bouncing apartment to apartment between guys.  There were a few apartments she wasn't allowed into.

So he came back and told me about all of it.  He was furious.  But then she came back.  He's forgive her if she just admitted she'd lied and stopped.  She tried to explain away all the shit.  It seemed to work.  He told me, so many times, that she was a girl in trouble, a girl who could be stable if she was just in the right environment.  Eye told him that she didn't want to change, and it wasn't just the people she was around.  We had another discussion about "jealousy."  He understood better and appreciated it when he knew that her treatment of him was a big factor in m'eye distaste.  The conversation lead to an official breakup.  He'd said well took you long enough to notice.  Oh balls in your face, he's brought up things back and forth for years, but then he changes his mind, things he says, ways he acts, things that people don't do if they are not together.  He would still do and say things he shouldn't after the conversation, but it toned way down.

She kept doing this back and forth shit.  She started getting way obvious.  One night, on of her men came to get her.  He'd called a few hours prior, she told him that she needed some drugs and to take a shower before coming back.  The phone call had woken her up from a nod.  After the call, she smoked more, and then fell into her usual stance - head flat in lap, like she was trying to eat herself out.  Eye started calling this move her "butt exercises."  Angel got a kick out of it.  Anyway, after the few hours had passed, he called again.  She was asleep in the back bedroom.  Then she started screaming at him, because he was already here.  She went out front and yelled and cried and begged him to give her some money for the drugs that she "still hasn't done yet."  When that didn't work, she went in the back and tried the same game with Angel.  He wasn't having it, and she stormed off.

In subsequent visits, he would pull me aside to complain about her.  But that didn't make him act any different TOWARD her.  She still ate more than we could provide.  She'd still tell him that the drugs he gave her "wasn't enough" and sometimes, he'd come ask to borrow off of me for her sake.  Also, he wanted me to "act nice toward her."  Guess she finally figured out eye didn't like her, and eye guess it bothers most people when they are not liked.  She still pitched fits and disappeared.  But oh - HE had the upper hand now!  he'd come up with a debt she owed him, and she was always "about to pay him back."  he was always "about to start getting stuff of of her."  Eye didn't understand his delusion.

One day, when he was away at a doctor's appointment, eye had to stay alone in the house with her.  She told me about how she's so happy we've been so cool to her, she's about to start working again, and then, "I'll be buying drugs for you guys."  Nice to hear, but it doesn't make it true.  Twenty dollars went missing out of m'eye wallet that day.  But, oh, it wasn't her.  "Search me," as she was pulling out her own pockets, etc.  Mmmhmm.

Eye guess he allowed himself to buy into the crap about her going back to work.  She'd talk about going, but when it came time, she was nodded out.  Finally, she'd get up to take a shower.  However, she needed a smoke before going in, a smoke as she got ready for the shower, a smoke right before getting in ,a smoke after, a smoke while she got dressed.  And of course, she'd nod out plenty.  By the time she was done, it was too late to go.

One afternoon, she came into the living room to make a phone call.  She was begging one of her hangers-on for drugs, seeing if he had any.  When that conversation went nowhere, she went back to Angel to complain about the guy.  When he told her his opinion, she said that, "I never asked for your two cents."  She asked for drugs, when could she get some drugs.  He asked when is she giving him money, when is she paying him back.  When is he going to get laid, why should he put out for getting nothing back?  They argued back and forth, she used words like "delusional" etc.  While true, it wasn't the case in reference to what she was saying.  She was referring to them fucking, something about "I never said I wanted to fuck you."  Well, it isn't like it never happened, eye've seen proof of such on video (tasteful, eh?)  Eye listened to their argument, occasionally piping in, and eventually moving to the hallway to watch them argue.  Next, they started fighting over her suitcase, he said that he was keeping it for collateral   They went back and forth, pulling on it, until she lunged at him.  He grabbed her and threw her on the bed, with his hand back.  Eye wanted to hit her, to prevent him from doing so (not that eye hadn't wanted to clock her for a long time.)  He let her up.  Then they started struggling over the suitcase again.  She said that she'd have "all these mother fuckers up here after you if you don't give it back."  He said, "And I have a bullet for every single one of them, with a couple left over for you."  She eventually grabbed it with such a force that she and the suitcase fell to the ground, right at my feet.  He said, "Now!  Do it do it do it!"  Eye punched her in the face three times.

She sat there for a second, the got up and ran out of the house, with a phone in her hand.  Angel said she had my phone, tried to chase her down, but she got out of the yard.  Eye yelled back at him, "it's YOUR phone!"  She screamed down the street, "HELP ME!"  into the phone at Ramon, one of the hangers-on with whom she had spoken earlier.  She then called the police.  Ramon came and sat with her and waited.  Eye went up to her, "Phone please."  She said, "Suitcase, please."  Eye rolled m'eye eyes and went back inside.

Angel had me throw most of her stuff outside, and hid her suitcase in our neighbor's shed.  The police came, talked to both sides.  Angel came across like he had been victimized by one of the local drug addict girls, the cops said, "You can't let someone you don't know into your house like that."  They asked if anything else of hers was here, eye brought out her purse from the bathroom, which had paraphernalia in it.  Angel asked to look through to see if she'd stolen anything.  He raised his eyebrows after looking in an Altoids container, and set it aside.  They asked if it had Altoids, he said no.  After that, they brought back the purse to her, but didn't give her any shit over the foil etc.  She wouldn't let up about the suitcase, so they kept pushing about it.  Eventually, they brought up that eye had a hitchhiking warrant (really panhandling from a couple of summers ago, but they come up under the same charge.)  After m'eye eyes went big, the looked around outside and questioned the neighbor, who admitted where it was.  The police came back with a lecture, and everyone left.

After she left, he told me that when he had her on the bed, he had whispered some graphically violent shit to her.  He also said that he hadn't had time to tell me and so briefly forgot, that when she ran from the house, she had a ark stain in her jeans.  Eye don't know if it was his threat, rough treatment, or getting punched that did it to her.

Since all that ended, the entire two months or so fiasco, we have gotten along better.  We have not directly heard from Maureen, but we have gotten strange phone calls of background noises, and food deliveries we did not order.  Eye've seen her in passing the corner convenience store a couple of times, and it just makes me smirk.  We have also had one of her friends call looking for drugs.  Her friend, however, is a tweeker.  So Angel won't do it, knowing it's really for Maureen, and he hopes that she is suffering.

For a while, he was going really crazy with it all, wanting to throw bricks through windows of apartments where she stays, wanted to set a car on fire - the car of a homeless crackhead who sometimes drives her places.  He kept talking about it, trying to get some of the drivers to do it with him.  They kept putting it off, which is good, because why get a sentence over the dumb bitch?  It's bad enough she went through all the money he'd gotten for Christmas, and he's been behind ever since - behind enough to sometimes drain on me  even more...  Eye don't like that effects of her have lingered.  Eye went broke as well, all the nights she was here, eye felt the need to be obliterated.  Every mention of her, eye felt compelled to go shoot up.  Once again in this position, but for reasons eye never fathomed.  He got laid a couple of times by some girls, got over it.  Hopefully, this experience sticks in his mind, any time that he feels that some plain looking girl is pretty, that she's worth helping, that sudden affection and sucking up from a random young girl is something real, and instead take it for what it really is.  And if somehow it happens again, hopefully eye will walk out the door.

Occupational Hazards

So swollen, it looks like these hands belong on a three hundred pound man. 

Not sure if this looks as bad as it does in real life - the discoloration in spots, the extra bumps.

So difficult these days.  Feet could work, but there's no one around to help me with such a thing.  The lower eye go, the more eye suck at it.  Well, eye'm half ok with ankles, but that's it.  Too shaky.  Too clumsy.  Not destined to be a great shooter, but here eye am, anyway.

Green Door

As eye wait for things to materialize, and am unable to make any moves because of it (which is a bunch of balls, and not in any good type of way), eye figured that eye'd give a very small update, regarding last night's little adventure.

 

Eye was picked up around 1:30am and taken to The Green Door, one of Las Vegas' sex clubs. Eye went inside and wandered around, checking out the various rooms and areas. There is a hallway of various booths with beaded curtains. Inside one, there was a young couple being watched by an old man in a chair. There are rooms with different large pads, some with curtains, some not. there are chairs, doctor's types of chairs with stirrups, sex swings, and so on. There are couches, there's a bar, there is a unisex bathroom with showers, there's a hot tub. There's a room with a kind of "stage" with two levels, with basically beds that are made out of vinyl, with number of couches set up to watch from. Behind the couches, there's a wall with a screen where guys can watch. There are various areas which you cannot enter unless you are a female or a couple.

We went upstairs, where we saw a girl being played with by two guys. My date suggested that eye go touch the girl. Eye asked if eye could touch her, and she said, "Well, I'm not here NOT to get laid!" Apparently, she is a porn actress, with "papers in my locker." Eye fingered her and played with her clit, a she sucked one guy's cock and the other guy played with her nipples. She complimented me on having "magic fingers." After that, eye played with one of the guys, and she played with my nipples. Eye then sucked and tongued her nipples while she got fucked and gave head. My date watched. Sometime during this process, eye stripped down to lingerie.

After that, we went to get drinks and looked around some more. Most of the time that we were there, he held my hand when we wandered around. One time when he didn't, eye was approached by a guy who wanted to go with me into one of the couples only areas. Eye told him, "No thanks, Not right now." We watched couples. Eye gave him head a couple of times. As we observed one couple, he asked me if eye wanted to touch the girl. Eye went up and asked. She turned her head, "Oh? With ME? No thanks." Another girl eye asked said, "No, we're just here for ourselves tonight." After a couple of hours, he decided that he was tired and wanted to go home.  

 

Afterward, eye slept for a long time, as this has been a long week with not very much sleep, as eye have been occupied trying to make money for bills and for BOTH of our habits (as the dumbass has run out of pills as of a week ago.)  Eye woke up and ate, watched a movie, and eventually, m'eye EYE caught the green wristband from last night.  Eye told Angel about it, he was pretty amused.

 

It's the end of Spring Break.  Tonight is frustrating.  Eye'm going to have to find a normal job soon, rather than trying to get by with odd jobs.  Once again, student loan money ran out earlier than usual.  All due to a little bitch named Maureen (and the resulting bad decisions.)

Forever Reckless

Eye have a cold.  It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed.  It can, however, be dulled.  But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one.  It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early.  Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs.  A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs.  And now, eye can breathe.  For now.  Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore.  Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now.  It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then.  However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same.  While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in.  Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house.  Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.

On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building.  Eye talked him back into rational thinking.  Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him.  It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything.   So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky.  The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating.  He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him.  Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account.  Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back.  Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day.  Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer.  Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself."  This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him.  And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks.  Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row.  We fought horribly in those days, almost every day.  But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted.  Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned.  But, back then, eye only needed one every day.  Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two.  Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point.  The day before, eye got just over one, all day long.  Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that.  That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting.  Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.

It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors.  The eating disorder shit, gone.  Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now.  But nope.  Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore.  Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.

Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin.  Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message."  As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again.  It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others.  Nothing eye can do about it, really.

It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era.  Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat.  Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.

Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend.  It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father.  He is very nervous.  Eye kind of understand.  Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother.  So, that's one factor that makes it different.  However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid.  Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.

Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use.  Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history.  Same old story, people like to confide in me.  Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah."  But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested.  Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing.  Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope?  We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such.  Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score.  So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine.  Such a sucker.  Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out.  One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles.  Well, that wasn't his phone...  He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me.  Eye had no money nor dope to spare.  This time, he was on foot.  Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here.  He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment.  Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing.  If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all.  Too much drama.  Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.

Veins are being assholes.  But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly.  However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am.  Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that.  So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away?  And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over?  (Yep, he's said that more than once.)  So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.  He keeps suggesting to muscle it.  What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs?  No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes.  Get more lumps.  Hit more arteries.  You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.

Ugh, it's getting late.  Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early.  Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning.  Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway.  Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning?  He got over $100 today, but like that matters.  The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got.  Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things?  Eye certainly don't.  However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.

Oh!  He also got some shrooms today.  So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin.  So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon.  When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way.  Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking.  Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him.  Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean.  Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not.  Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.

3:11am - do you know where your junkie is?  Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.

May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Christmas break - it had its ups and downs.  One of the drivers who had split off from the dealer over being accused of something he didn't do, decided he would start his own business.  Because of having a wife and child, he wanted to use our house for storing and packaging.  For this, Angel was to get paid, eye was to get 2 per day.  The first day he came over, he asked funny things like how to deal with it when it's powder instead of tar, and how much is in a gram.  But why would he know?  He'd never used, and never been in charge of anything other than delivery.  His little business lasted about five days.  So after that, for me, it was a cycle of binge and starve, drugs-wise.

Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due.  Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests.  Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it.  But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available.  By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed.  The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation.  Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid.  Find a hacker, a new school?  But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter.  So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income?  And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation.  It's a relief.  And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again.  Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well.  Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way.  It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.

On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day.  Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day.  Eye decided to try the homeless people.  Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day.  Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth."  He would have done it for a few dollars.  M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed.  Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card.  So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it.  No good.

From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview.  That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc.  He needed someone to do office work for him.  Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him.  Fucking obnoxious.

Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home.  Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive.  Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable.  So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning.  When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep.  So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry.  So much for getting to stay, after all.  However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not.  So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis.  Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one.  He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school.  Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here.  He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be.  He'll change his mind about the temprary thing.  He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad.  And then change back again.  Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here.  Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail.  And eye will be the one expected to bend and change.  HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc.  She was most adamant about me leaving.  During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet.  What a bitch.  Oh well.

New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house.  At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead.  Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID.  Stupid.  Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about.  Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later.  Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard.  Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down.  Angel was here.  He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it.  New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.

Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair.  It's been growing out for a year.  Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it.  Not so, apparently.  But who cares.  Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair?  Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys.  Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone.  Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero.  Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out?  No.

Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back.  Basically have to wait around til he feels like it.  It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense.  Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account.  And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine.  Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment.  The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot.  Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with.  Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't.  And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible.  Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks.  This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end.  Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful.  Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.

On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky."  Angel and eye laughed at that.  It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything...  Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world.  Eye've never figured out which one. 

Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah.  The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible.  Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt.  If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it?  Wishful thinking.  Fuck.  A week and a half.  It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes.  Mine or his.  Or yours.  Not really, it all depends on my "levels."  Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...

& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

Done for the Day

Ha way too much from me all in one go.  Finally about to get "settled" and leave.  Will plead that some damn pills be left for me, or go find some otherwise.  Because other than that, it's all the whims of others, and eye HATE having to rely on that, in any form.  Buh B'eye, perhaps eye'll take some time out from working on stuff at an internet cafe to blurt everything out, just in case.

Change Your Taste In. Men

So... eye stole 50.. sometime around the end of October?  He owed me 50, said he couldn't pay me anything, right before getting 400, which he knew about.  (Angel)  And so, he said he's throwing me out.  Leave by January, and he keeps m'eye January money order already made out to the landlord.  And wants to keep my washer and dryer.  Supposedly eye should owe him for messing up his computer, the free computer he got from his mom, which eye already put money toward fixing.  Which he prob recharged me for multiple times.  His mom bought him another.  And for the deposit on the house, which eye paid by the way.  And to clean up the house, which he admitted he's having one of his pill clients do for him (while intoxicated he admitted this.)  Some POS who always borrows from him, and now he'll rarely do shit for me, even if eye'm about to get cash.  A bottom of the barrel worst choice to move in, but better than eye am eye suppose.  (ha can't wait, within two months bet his pills will get stolen.)   Poor baby needs to make the house nice to attract a decent tenant, and he's getting thousands of dollars for Christmas?  Come on.  And he's gotten meaner and meaner.  And every deal we do make, he forgets, then accuses me of trying to fuck him over, while eye get screwed.  And sometimes he yells at me to leave within x amount of time, nice one, you already said that, how would it be a threat anymore?  He's "decided" this and gone back on it so many times during our time together, either eye need to go or he's about to.  Fuck eye wish people would say what they mean. 

And so, eye've been seeing people, guys.  Not a many as one may think, but seeing them nonetheless.  Why not?  First off, we never agreed to be monogamous.  Though HE has not acted on that, as of yet.  Secondly, he's trying to say we haven't "really" been together in years (odd bc of some possessive shit he said back in June, and other stuff he's said, ways he's been since.)  So funny, he says he wants to stay friends.  Eye say, you'll never hear from me again.  If he truly considers us just friends, and treats me like this, why on earth would eye want to be around, especially when truly getting nothing out of it, and still likely expected to run errands, etc.  Who needs enemies with friends like this, etc.

And these people, these situations, in which one would expect to feel used, objectified - eye feel more cared for, attended to, liked, appreciated, and treated SO much better than someone who's supposed to love me, who supposedly still cares so deeply and more than he should?  What the hell?

So much more beneficial.  In so many ways.

The other night, there was some BS about him wanting me to buy from him, something he got for free, rather than him calling for me.  Eye told him it was unfair, and then said fine, eye'll do it.  Then he was on the phone, eye asked who he was calling.  NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!  Told him, if he was calling, not to because eye'd already taken his offer, was making a shot.  He called anyway, then asked where the shit went, give it back, etc.  Told him eye'd told him twice, guess he tuned me out.  He said eye never said shit.  Raised his fist back and took a step toward me.  "Don't you dare, don't you FUCKING dare!"  He sat down and bitched.  Another time he was going to hit me, quite eye threatened calling the cops.  Every once in a while, he asks how can he trust ME after that shit?  Again, what the hell?

He can go ahead and try to convinve my dad to let him keep the washer and dryer, after that they'll hear about every threat and every little incident.  See whose side they are on then.  See how much they really think he's been "taking care of me" then.

There are various reasons eye'm upset about this, and a big one is it ruins plans, basically eye had a guaranteed existence with him, one that had to be waited for, but still something to fall back on.  And for all the years people told me to leave, all the shit he's pulled, why is HE the one to decide things?

Never trust a guy with two names.

He's about to leave to his mom's for the holidays, and for once is trying to do something nice for me, so of course that isn't working out.  Whatever.  Who knows what he'll return to?  Eye am feeling very rash and very, very done.  At the very least, eye want to move out without saying a word.  After all, after dealing with his mom and not having to deal with me for a while, and thinking about shit, he'll probably change his mind...

So say what the fuck you mean, for once.

Ok.. Eye Believe You

Some owed money &girl drama - supposedly it all starts tomorrow.  Sure, soon as it was around 10am, knew something was up.  Bellieve when eye see it, in the meantime, better get something else going.  And still have to get to do a final.  Blah.

And So It Goes

Morning visitors have not materialized.  Guess eye'll finish what eye said eye would, and then arrange my day as usual, or otherwise.  Did my morning shot about half an hour after eye woke up (3:30) and would rather do something again.  Yesterday/end of day prior - all terrible, and don't want to be on "bare minimum" nor have this minimum not show up anyway, eye expected to have the two already, and eye'd go ahead and... get needles, get money to buy my book back, go study and do my final, write my essay.  Blah blah blah.  More to come..

A Post-Whore Kind of Day

The computer will be ripped away from me, most likely, while Angel goes to Phoenix. Yeah right, like this thing will be pawned when it's so much better and more beneficial to keep it, and eye don't know his password?  AND he's having a few people "check up" on me in his absense?  Come on.

The way Our Lady of Perpetual Misery becomes The Saint of Peace, and it's all a matter of finally finding a vein.  Veins, they are a frequent complaint of mine as eye've never had great ones, but, it's getting down to the nitty gritty, it seems.  And with such crap needles at the same time, by the time eye get new ones, what will be left?

Letting the words actually fall from your mouth that you don't plan to stick out the month.  It was not a request for assistance.  It was a result of no longer having a filter, a night of drinking, followed but an unfortunate incident, and being at near 24 hours of no nope, after running around all day for nothing.  It was just to inform what may be found, because there is no other way to express how hurt you are.  But a hurt of another kind had occured, and so it was no longer a 70% thing, but more like 99%.  So stupid to say, but it happend.

Men, they can be so wonderful and such bastards.  So strange when the tables are turned, and whichever one or ones should care, really don't seem to give a hoot, and ones that would be expected to just take advantage are actually so sweet?  And then, it turns again.  How fucking confusing.

Anyway, eye have to get back to cleaning.  How damn boring.  Hopefully, Angel's little people arrive soon. How annoying to clean for nothing, when eye could have been working on other matters.

Maybe because of what happened, maybe because he's just that paranoid about what will happen here in his absense, eye am to be "taken care of" while he is gone.  Minimally, but at least at all.  He hasn't done much for me in a long time, he has found more reasons to get worse about it, and most of the times he leaves, eye'm in dire straits financially, and eye spend time sending desperate texts and making wretched calls, which fall on deaf ears because he's not here to see it, and is with his mother, who hates me.  But that all depends on what happens, or what does not.  Eye'd love to be relieved, but dealing with so many flaky people and backward circumstances causes me to have very little faith.

Blasphemy

A few weeks ago (has it been a few weeks?) eye was walking to the bus stop from school and was offered a ride.  Eye accepted. 

The guy asked if it was ok if he stopped somewhere first.  Yeah, go ahead.  He had to drop something for a friend.  Did eye party?  Depends on what.  Of course, the dude is a tweeker.

We stopped at this older guy's apartment.  He broke out a bowl an put some meth in it.  He offered it to me.  Eye said eye'm not sure, eye quit tweeking ten years ago.  Eye'd think about it.  Eye had done it one time in those last ten years, split a bowl with this guy, it was ok.

About the third time he offered, eye accepted.  He held it and lit it for me.  And then it was passed around the three of us.  The guy who'd takn me there started getting a little touchy feely.  But there's no harm in a back massage, it doesn't mean eye have to put out.  And put out for meth of all things?  Bitch, please.

Eye started getting a really bad headache.  They said eye should take a shower, and that it wasn't because the meth was bad because they were fine.  Yeah, of course not, it's just me.  Eye tried running my head under some water.  It only helped briefy, so eye showered.  And then felt better.

The old guy was a crossdresser, so he said eye should try on some clothes for them.  Eye did.  That was pretty fun, and he said that eye could keep this tight flower dress.  Ok, cool.

We smoked more.  Why on earth eye did this after feeling bad the first time, is beyond me.  After a bit, eye started feeling like shit again, migraine.  Took a shower, felt a bit better, laid down and the first guy gave me a massage.  Old guy came in and started messing with my feet.  Uh, no, no - no three way for me, so eye got up before anyone got any ideas.  Well, "got" is not the right word, acted on would be the correct phrase.

Eye started to feel worse.  Eye ended up vomiting a few times, and some girl came over.  The guy who drove me said we should go, and old guy started getting an attitude.  He wanted his dress back, and tried to take it off of me.  Eye slipped into the bathroom and change clothes, gave it back.  We left.

The dude said that the guy had no place getting snippy like that just because he wasn't goin to get laid.  Eye said whatever, it's cool.  He said it isn't.  If a girl doesn't want it, she doesn't want it, no reason to get rude.  He said he'd get the dress back and to call him sometime.  Eye was dropped off.

Eye did some dope, felt mostly better but still not right.  Then had to go back down to the computer lab.

Eye spent the night feeling weird.  This ended up being the second day in which eye was up for most of three days, due to detoxing, then getting stuff but having to deal with making money, going to class, no time to sleep basically.  And for a few days afterward, eye still didn't feel right.  Eye tended to get headaches and feel quite vomitous.  Perhaps a speed allergy now?  Perhaps it's something eye cannot handle anymore.

Meth isn't something that appeals to me, nor something that eye crave or have craved since oh July 2002.  It's up, down, and all around me, but not something eye tend to accept when offered.  Why do it?  M'eye tweek period was quite a low period in life, so depressed, so worn out.  Unless binging, eye think eye sleep less now than eye did back then.  But eye decided to do it, so blasphemous for a dope girl who "came from" psychedelics to do something so useless (useless for me, eye am no productive nor creative tweeker.  What to do on meth?  More meth, of course.)  So now eye know not only is it a shit drug, it's shittier than ever for me.  Eye don't feel like spending days feeling ill, so no thanks.  It's been in my face since, and will be again, and there's no reason to piss off the Dope gods.

Squalor

Ugh, the morning.  It started after 8:30 and has just stretched out.  Read, and look.  Want to attend to things, now attend to nothing.  Wait.  Eric's been calling Angel, has to be him, has to be desperate to get this show on the road.  As am eye, but don't have any money where m'eye mouth is.  Maybe get the tiniest bit of pity, to get on with the day, to attend to pressing matters before it is too late.  But how long will that be?  Put something, somewhere.  Put practically nothing, anywhere.  And now, eye feel practically the same.

Last night was useless.  Had plans for this morning, but they were cancelled.  Of course, upon barely waking up, eye had hopes that they would be, but these were hopes that eye didn't truly mean.  It's just the effects of being wrapped up in sleep, and sleep is what matters.  Once eye found out that about 20 minutes ago, the plans had gone to shit, eye was not too pleased.

And now what to do, sit around at the whims of others, or go search for the whims of others.  The last thing eye want is travel, inconvenience.  Potentially vomiting on other people.  Keep it in, quickly now, maybe no one will notice...

The house, it looks like shit.  Eye can't bring myself to care.  Eye can't bring myself to care about much.  What is a risk, when certain things are no longer valuable?  They become either nothing, or even more attractive.  Eye am tenatively, mostly, believed to be, asked to be - out of here at the beginning of January.  It's all so dramatic, so complex, but so idiotic, so contrived, and eye'm not going into it right now, the reasons.  But there was a lot more that went into the whole relationship thing for me, let's just say eye have much more than the loss of a "love" to be upset about.  An entire life and plan just sucked away.  So screw all that.

So desperate to keep me in his life just as a friend?  Yeah fucking right.

And running out of money, early, and having to figure out whatever, whenever... priorities get screwed up, and this whole vicious circle/cycle is the result.  Up late trying to figure things out, end up not going and taking care of the main things eye should be doing, as a result - one way or the other.  But how to make it if the main shit isn't taken care of?  But how to get to it in the first place?  It goes on and on, eye may be able to figure it out, eye may not.  Plan B goes to shit?  Out of plans, out of time, out of - whatever, just out.

It's very strange, the whole effects of depression thing.  The whole effects of any of it thing.  Eye will have side effects, and eye will have symptoms, but eye don't, or barely "feel" it.  quite thankfully don't feel it, but thoughts and actions are the same.  "Just drugs," oh -so sure.  me depressed has been just as, if not more, destructive as any of this.  And many times, worse.  Eye told him so long ago, that his negativity doesn't motivate me, it makes me want to give up.  This is me, having given up.  He's afraid that all the nothing in this house will get ripped off or sold while he visits his mother over Christmas?  That's his biggest concern?  Silly as hell, like that's ever happened, and like there's anything worthwhile anyway.

Repeated visions that are such a comforting companion - the etched words "you did this." And no hope of reconciliation, nothing.  To finally see the accumulation of all that's been done, all that eye could never get across in any other way.

Bad times, suffering, periods of lowness - that which becomes bearable IF there is an end in sight.  And it's the only concept that keeps me going.  Short or long road - all so very circumstancial.  Although short is so very glamourous to me right now.  Especially in the harsh light of such a piercing day, why wouldn't it, to me, be the equivalent of High Fashion?

No need for sorries, sorry never solved shit and pity never saves anybody.  Some of it's on me, and some's just the flip of a coin, nothing else can be done.  Wanna help for a day, send me a bag, haha and even that is questionable.  And anyone who's like "I hope you do," yeah, hope away - like anyone's opionion will move me, either way. 

Etc, so on, and so forth.  Eric has arrived, and now it's time to see -will fate (aka Angel) give me intolerable cruelty, a begrudging helping hand, some kind of loan that benefit him, or complete nonchalance, as if eye'm not even in the situation eye'm in... he is oblivious to a lot, obviously.