Eye have a cold. It's so bizarre to have an illness that can't be immediately removed. It can, however, be dulled. But when stuff wears away, it's like living a cold, being a cold, instead of just having one. It makes me choke, brings gagging about rather early. Eye suppose this must be similar to Angel with his lungs. A bit ago, eye was crushing up Dilaudid, speaking about how eye wanted my lungs to quit being real lungs. And now, eye can breathe. For now. Except for some rare times as a result of smoking other people's cigarettes, eye do not get sick like a regular person anymore. Well, a couple of times, it's happened randomly, one of those times is now. It reminds me of when eye was tweeking - eye never got sick then. However, eye am certain that the reasons are not the same. While tweeking, eye believe m'eye body was too toxic for bugs to survive in. Now, it's more a matter of mostly sticking to myself and my house. Eye am just not around enough people, often enough, for long enough, to catch anything.
On Friday, when Angel left the house and was unsuccessful in seeing his doctor, as the office lady had screwed up and scheduled him for after the office was closed for the weekend, he called to tell me of his bad luck and his dreams of destroying the building. Eye talked him back into rational thinking. Then, ever the dutiful girlfriend (regardless of what he currently, this hour, considers our relationship status), eye called around in attempt to round up some pills for him... calls to people eye haven't spoken to in ages, people eye have met recently, and even those who buy pills from him. It seems that 2013 is indeed unlucky for other people as well, as no one had anything. So, it was dope for the weekend, basically waiting around until the times he felt like doing some, and maybe getting part of the shot, or a bag if eye was lucky. The discrepancy between our view on the other person being "down and out" is irritating. He has something like ten thousand saved in an account that his mother controls for him. Due to bad banking practices in the past, debts and such, he cannot have his own account. Eye will have money in about a week, and he'll be completely paid back. Yet, he still doesn't want to help me, it's a huge deal to him - like the biggest burden on earth, and he usually doesn't even let me have the minimum amount eye need per day. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, women are raised as caretakers, who cannot stand to watch others suffer. Frequently his thoughts run more like, "You did it to yourself." This is not something eye deny, however - eye'm not one to just let him stick out detox for any portion of the day, if eye can do anything for him. And other than keeping the house tidy, eye am always willing to do other thing for him as well, whatever he asks. Or maybe it's just that he still holds the same old grudge, that so many years ago, if eye had no money, he bought my dope for me every single day, sometimes it was the better part of months in a row. We fought horribly in those days, almost every day. But - eye was successful in getting what eye wanted. Maybe eye knew what eye was doing better back then than eye do now, far as getting things out of him is concerned. But, back then, eye only needed one every day. Last night, eye discussed how eye cannot do that anymore, eye need at least two. Spring of 2011, maybe summer, was the last time eye was dealing with one a day, and it was damn hard at that Point. The day before, eye got just over one, all day long. Today, he gave me half of one, and expected me to clean after that. That amount will hold me for a few hours, if that is all eye'm getting. Something like seven hours later, after having scrubbed the rug to hell, bitching on the phone to m'eye friend Ann, and some back and forth pissing between Angel and eye, he gave me a full bag.
It's so strange the way that heroin has basically replaced a good number of m'eye repeating behaviors. The eating disorder shit, gone. Eye should have gotten thin and then big again and then maybe thin again by now. But nope. Also - cutting isn't something that pops up very often anymore. Eye guess the whole metal, insertion, blood, scarring thing is all taken care of with injection.
Eye keep getting texts that eye cannot read and do not know their origin. Eye hear the phone beep and then "You have insufficient funds to send message." As a result, eye've put the phone back on silent again. It appears eye'm highly wanted somewhere or another or others. Nothing eye can do about it, really.
It seems eye have reached the end of this episode of a certain recurring era. Almost every one of m'eye eras repeat. Eye'm not really going to delve further into that one, for anyone particularly discerning, it should be pretty obvious what it is.
Angel's sister, one of his sisters, is coming out this weekend. It'll be the first time he's met any family member of his biological father. He is very nervous. Eye kind of understand. Eye didn't have issues meeting some of mine, but m'eye cousin was the one to make contact with me, not the other way around, about a year or so of starting correspondence with m'eye biological mother. So, that's one factor that makes it different. However, if eye was actually to meet her, or m'eye half brother or sister today, eye'd be incredibly paranoid. Eye'd be scared that they'd recognize addiction in me, somehow.
Eye may be becoming recognizable to people who use. Last week at the bus stop, a lady went into her entire meth and criminal history. Same old story, people like to confide in me. Even very random strangers. Ann has the same problem, she calls it being "everybody's Oprah." But then, the lady told me about all these pills she gets, and sells, and wanted to know if eye was interested. Also, last month, at the corner store, a guy in a car called me over to compliment me on the very low cut attire eye was wearing. Eye found out that his name was Marcel, and was eye interested in getting some dope? We then had a "show you mine, show me yours" thing with the tracks on our wrists and such. Eye didn't need any, so then the real story came out - he didn't have enough money to score. So, eye got a ride home and grabbed him one of mine. Such a sucker. Eye had some delusions of a possible replacement for Angel if eye indeed got kicked out. One day, eye texted him to attempt to get a ride to get new needles. Well, that wasn't his phone... He also dropped by the other day to try to get some dope out of me. Eye had no money nor dope to spare. This time, he was on foot. Eye walked him to an apartment complex, telling him repeatedly not to come by, that Angel does not want people coming over here. He told me about some gig he had for later, breaking into some safe at an empty apartment. Uh huh, so obviously our Marcel is a thief... never mind that "replacement" thing. If eye, uh, was to be with a criminal - that would not be a desirable type at all. Too much drama. Heroin addiction has rid me of the need to live an intense dramatic life, all the time.
Veins are being assholes. But, lately they've been both disappearing and reappearing pretty quickly. However, eye think eye've about run out of stuff that's ready to work, other than feet - which Angel is much better at actually getting than eye am. Of course, he doesn't want to be asked to do that. So silly, he shoots me up himself almost every time for at least the first year, year and a half, and then suddenly rips it away? And eventually becomes big enough of an issue to threaten to kick me out over? (Yep, he's said that more than once.) So fucking annoying, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. He keeps suggesting to muscle it. What, not be able to actually feel m'eye drugs? No thanks, eye think eye'll just destroy myself some more and be frustrated for up to over an hour at a time, sometimes. Get more lumps. Hit more arteries. You know, all the fun that comes with IV drug use.
Ugh, it's getting late. Eye'm supposed to be getting used to waking up early. Eye tried to ensure every class for this semester began after noon, but one class was ONLY available at ten in the morning. Eye'm not sure eye want to get up early tomorrow, anyway. Who knows if eye will get anything tomorrow morning? He got over $100 today, but like that matters. The dope he gave me came from a trade, and he used the rest of what he got. Who wants to wake up just to lay around miserable for hours until he realizes, or feels like doing something about it, or someone comes by to score, or eye get a gift in the mail, or any number of other things? Eye certainly don't. However - eye should go to sleep while eye still can, before the Dilaudid wears off.
Oh! He also got some shrooms today. So strange, the way eye used to be so into multiple psychedelics, and now eye'm rarely in the mood to do any drugs that aren't opiates, preferably heroin. So... maybe eye'll end up tripping soon. When he got them, eye was withdrawing and convinced he was going to try to give them to me while eye was still feeling that way. Being in certain vulnerable states creates some paranoid thinking. Also, earlier today, when he went outside to talk on the phone multiple times, eye was convinced that he was intentionally disappearing to give me the chance to steal some pills from him. Maybe to make it so that eye take care of it seemingly without his knowledge, maybe to ensure catching me so that he'd throw me out as soon as the house is completely clean. Despite multiple opportunities, eye did not. Not out of any sense of respect - eye was simply too scared.
3:11am - do you know where your junkie is? Useless in front of a computer screen, nose starting to run from a stupid cold since the dope's not covering it anymore, listening to Angel snore, wishing she had the balls to swipe some pills, knowing she should have scrubbed the hallway walls instead of typing this, likely about to go to bed, and so, so scared about how the morning will feel, and just how long it will feel that way.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor
Christmas break - it had its ups and downs. One of the drivers who had split off from the dealer over being accused of something he didn't do, decided he would start his own business. Because of having a wife and child, he wanted to use our house for storing and packaging. For this, Angel was to get paid, eye was to get 2 per day. The first day he came over, he asked funny things like how to deal with it when it's powder instead of tar, and how much is in a gram. But why would he know? He'd never used, and never been in charge of anything other than delivery. His little business lasted about five days. So after that, for me, it was a cycle of binge and starve, drugs-wise.
Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due. Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests. Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it. But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available. By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed. The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation. Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid. Find a hacker, a new school? But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter. So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income? And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation. It's a relief. And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again. Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well. Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way. It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.
On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day. Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day. Eye decided to try the homeless people. Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day. Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth." He would have done it for a few dollars. M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed. Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card. So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it. No good.
From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview. That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc. He needed someone to do office work for him. Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him. Fucking obnoxious.
Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home. Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive. Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable. So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning. When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep. So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry. So much for getting to stay, after all. However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not. So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis. Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one. He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school. Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here. He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be. He'll change his mind about the temprary thing. He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad. And then change back again. Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here. Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail. And eye will be the one expected to bend and change. HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc. She was most adamant about me leaving. During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet. What a bitch. Oh well.
New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house. At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead. Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID. Stupid. Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about. Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later. Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard. Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down. Angel was here. He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it. New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.
Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair. It's been growing out for a year. Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it. Not so, apparently. But who cares. Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair? Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys. Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone. Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero. Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out? No.
Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back. Basically have to wait around til he feels like it. It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense. Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account. And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine. Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment. The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot. Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with. Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't. And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible. Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks. This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end. Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful. Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.
On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky." Angel and eye laughed at that. It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything... Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Eye've never figured out which one.
Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah. The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible. Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt. If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it? Wishful thinking. Fuck. A week and a half. It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes. Mine or his. Or yours. Not really, it all depends on my "levels." Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...
& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)
Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due. Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests. Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it. But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available. By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed. The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation. Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid. Find a hacker, a new school? But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter. So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income? And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation. It's a relief. And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again. Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well. Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way. It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.
On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day. Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day. Eye decided to try the homeless people. Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day. Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth." He would have done it for a few dollars. M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed. Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card. So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it. No good.
From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview. That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc. He needed someone to do office work for him. Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him. Fucking obnoxious.
Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home. Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive. Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable. So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning. When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep. So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry. So much for getting to stay, after all. However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not. So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis. Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one. He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school. Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here. He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be. He'll change his mind about the temprary thing. He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad. And then change back again. Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here. Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail. And eye will be the one expected to bend and change. HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc. She was most adamant about me leaving. During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet. What a bitch. Oh well.
New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house. At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead. Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID. Stupid. Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about. Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later. Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard. Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down. Angel was here. He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it. New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.
Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair. It's been growing out for a year. Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it. Not so, apparently. But who cares. Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair? Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys. Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone. Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero. Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out? No.
Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back. Basically have to wait around til he feels like it. It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense. Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account. And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine. Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment. The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot. Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with. Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't. And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible. Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks. This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end. Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful. Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.
On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky." Angel and eye laughed at that. It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything... Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Eye've never figured out which one.
Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah. The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible. Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt. If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it? Wishful thinking. Fuck. A week and a half. It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes. Mine or his. Or yours. Not really, it all depends on my "levels." Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...
& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)
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