May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Christmas break - it had its ups and downs.  One of the drivers who had split off from the dealer over being accused of something he didn't do, decided he would start his own business.  Because of having a wife and child, he wanted to use our house for storing and packaging.  For this, Angel was to get paid, eye was to get 2 per day.  The first day he came over, he asked funny things like how to deal with it when it's powder instead of tar, and how much is in a gram.  But why would he know?  He'd never used, and never been in charge of anything other than delivery.  His little business lasted about five days.  So after that, for me, it was a cycle of binge and starve, drugs-wise.

Eye ended up missing some things in school, such as an online final which ended up getting stuck about three minutes before it was due.  Eye'd had a lot of problems in that class with the tests.  Eye asked to be able to make them up, the week after finals but before grades were due, paid the neighbor ten dollars to drop me five miles from home to do it.  But - not all of the tests came up. It seemed they were appearing after eye took the one before it, but really - just two became available.  By the time eye noticed this, the office was closed.  The next day, eye went in, only to discover the professor had left on vacation.  Eye ended up .006 below par to qualify for financial aid.  Find a hacker, a new school?  But people were afraid of the former and not enough time for the latter.  So get some money together, get some clonidine etc, why go on when not even the bare minimum can be ensured - a home, some income?  And then, last Monday, eye found out that the financial aid office allowed me to slide in on a one semsester probation.  It's a relief.  And a priviledge eye don't want to abuse again.  Eye ran out of spending money in October - which included drug money as well.  Eye'll get my aid the week of the 14th, and it'll be almost three months of living this way.  It's been hell and not something eye'll easily forget.

On Christmas Eve, eye was unable to obtain the cash needed to call before closing, and he wouldn't be open the following day.  Eye woke up fully expecting to have a horrible day.  Eye decided to try the homeless people.  Eye ran into one, apparently he was the only one who could get anything, and planned to hide out all day.  Eye offered him double, and he laughed at me about "putting your foot in your mouth."  He would have done it for a few dollars.  M'eye cell phone got shut off that night, because the store was closed.  Eye was unable to purchase an unlimited phone card.  So - a few daysz ago, eye ran out of internet and text on it.  No good.

From selling a gift card, eye was offered an interview.  That sounds weird, but the guy asked what eye did for a living, etc.  He needed someone to do office work for him.  Eye had to reschedule the interview, then he had to, and never heard back from him.  Fucking obnoxious.

Eye was to have the house cleaned by the time Angel came home.  Of course, he came home earlier than he ever does, and told me about 14 hours before he would arrive.  Eye also neeed to get some cash together for a debt to him, and for cable.  So eye alternated between looking for opportunities and cleaning.  When eye sat down to look for opportunities again when eye had been awake for 36 hours or so, eye ended up falling asleep.  So - neither task was complete when he arrived, and he was pretty angry.  So much for getting to stay, after all.  However, he was low on pills because of staying with his mother - she takes them whether he gives them to her or not.  So - he had to spend money on dope, lots of it, on a daily basis.  Being accustomed to 250mg of methadone + other pills, the whole long acting opiate to short acting switch is not a fun one.  He's spent a lot of money, and was sitting next to me when eye found out that eye can stay in school.  Also, his doctors office scheduled him on Friday for after closing time. He'd made little comments that pointed to not kicking me out after all, but he thought he was still going to, until he figured that it was a more financially sound idea to keep me here.  He thinks that it's temporary, but it won't be.  He'll change his mind about the temprary thing.  He'll also probably decide to kick me out again in the future when he gets mad.  And then change back again.  Both a blessing and a curse, eye am here.  Because in certain situations and moods, his volatile temper will always, always prevail.  And eye will be the one expected to bend and change.  HA!eye have to hide from his mother, can't answer the phone, etc.  She was most adamant about me leaving.  During a phone call to me, she told him to ask me if eye was packed yet.  What a bitch.  Oh well.

New Year's Eve - half a bottle of tequila in ten minutes at someone's house.  At some point became quite angry, and in attepting to reach Angel, contacted a lot of other people, instead.  Also ransacked his house, ended up with the guy's ID.  Stupid.  Don't remember a lot of it, but some, and other parts was told about.  Came home, lots of walking, felt ill, passed out til later.  Eye watched the fireworks this year, mostly from the TV, a little in the yard.  Eye saw them better than eye ever have when eye have attenpted to go down to the strip, but end up stuck at the north end, a mile north, with the street closed off and no bus down.  Angel was here.  He's only been here for New Year's twice, and this time was the only one when he was awake for it.  New Years used to be m'eye favorite holiday, and it's been bland for multiple years, now.

Last night, in the emotionally reactive state of early withdrawal, eye hacked off m'eye hair.  It's been growing out for a year.  Eye had just been too lazy to do the cut & dye thing, but was getting to the Point eye thought eye may keep it.  Not so, apparently.  But who cares.  Who cares who wants to run their fingers through some long hair?  Eye will no longer actively be looking to see other guys.  Can't if eye wanted to anyway, considering the phone & internet are out on the cell phone.  Reasons to look have been dropping away, and pretty soon will be at pretty much zero.  Not that eye would necessarily deny every opportunity after that, but actually seeking it out?  No.

Eye have had to live off of scraps basically, rinses and the odd dime or partial dime, very occasionally getting money since he's been back.  Basically have to wait around til he feels like it.  It's not a whole lot of fun in any sense.  Now he's almost broke, well not really - but most of what he has is in his mother's account.  And there will be around a week and a half, maybe less, til eye get mine.  Not sure what to do, there's not much opportunity that eye can chase at the moment.  The one good thing about this - my tolerance will be completely back down (well, it has been for a while) and mostly - eye will be in the routine of not doing a lot.  Which means eye won't end up running into that whole 6 per day or so thing, which led me to all this to begin with.  Eye can't fuck up again, eye can't.  And while eye'd love to spend the final weeks of break in sleepy opiate bliss, it isn't feasible.  Another thing that's good - last semester, eye had been struggling for weeks before school started, so eye felt eye was owed a "real break" and basically didn't go to class for weeks.  This time, eye'm fucking sick of this and ready for it to end.  Becuase the end of last semester was mostly skipped because of trying to make money or not having any, eye've basically been on break for months, it's been awful.  Eye'd rather have a set routine and be comfortable.

On a FearNet commercial, it said "2013, where every day is unlucky."  Angel and eye laughed at that.  It's been pretty true for both of us, but not to the Point where we're totally dying or anything...  Pretty similar to most of what eye've encountered, eye'm either the unluckiest lucky girl, or the luckiest unlucky girl in the world.  Eye've never figured out which one. 

Ugh, back to doing what eye was supposed to do today, handwashing the rug, vaccuming, washing... blah.  The house has gone from atrocious to presentable, but he wants it perfect by the time his sister visits in a week - basically as close to "just moved in" status as possible.  Eye tried looking for some kind of work instead, after a nap, it seems that was pointless to even attempt.  If eye finish enough tasks, maybe eye can get some dope and Dilaudid out of it?  Wishful thinking.  Fuck.  A week and a half.  It's enough to slit your throat about sometimes.  Mine or his.  Or yours.  Not really, it all depends on my "levels."  Just over a half hour of daylight left, so that's it...

& May the odds be ever in your favor ;)