Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Nothing Hurts Like Your Mouth
Last semester, eye ended up with mostly B's. But eye failed Spanish, which is really to be expected, considering that on test days, eye would be studying before class, then feel "not ready" so eye wouldn't even go. Eye had to pay for the class over the summer, joy of joys. But at least was prepared, eye suppose.
This summer was a dance of working and not working and trying to survive, some times were easier than others. But there were huge issues regardless of whether finances were stable. For starters, eye was open with Angel regarding something that maybe eye should have never said. He said he appreciated me being honest. He said that it was better. But, it often seemed that it wasn't. His mouth said it was, his principles say that it was. But the way that he was on edge, the way that any other issue was magnified, it seems that as much as he wanted to hold onto that belief, he did not feel that knowledge was better.
In addition to that, there were a couple of times eye needed to call m'eye dad for rent, didn't, and claimed that eye did, while eye worked on getting the money myself. Eye never was able to get quite enough, and he found out. There were quite a few gems that came out of his mouth over the summer, and the first time he found out that eye lied regarding that, was the first time he spoke words to me that stuck.. which of course he denied even saying later on. Upon bringing that up, eye also brought up much of what eye've been holding in for years. His reaction was, "Well this isn't going to work, then." No offers of changing anything, no apologies, nothing of the sort, when his complaints are expected to be met with me modifying my behavior, or at least some kind of compromise.
Another thing that happened was he went on this "clean" kick. He has medication, so it's not like he's going to go sick because of it. This caused unbelievable strain on everything. It didn't matter to him that eye don't buy all that often, or if eye'm doing it in the other room, if eye don't bring up the subject, or that eye don't sit there nodding out in front of him. Eye didn't encourage him to use. None of that mattered. He was staying off of it just fine, but just knowing eye do it stressed him out.
Also, any time eye don't have income, every little thing becomes a huge deal. To use a cliche, all of this was "a recipe for disaster." So many times, he told me eye needed to leave, eye needed to find somewhere else to live. He's said things like that before, although usually he says that he's the one leaving, and it's a reaction to something, and he's done feeling that way within a few days. Typically when that happens, eye act as sweet as can be, and do all these little things for him, keep the house clean even though eye'm not typically the one making messes and am busy, all to get on his good side and it fixes everything. This time, it pretty much didn't work. Every once in a while, he'd talk about how he sees us together for a long time, or we can figure it out. But later he'd deny saying anything like that. One time he said that he never said he changed his mind and that eye could stay - even though eye never said that he had mentioned it at all! It's silly to deny things that you aren't being accused of.
It gets exhausting to be the only one who changes anything, to have to bend and bend even in times of not being "in the wrong." One night, eye brought up all these things regarding what he does wrong, all the ways that he's being unfair. And out pops another gold nugget from his mouth. "If you say one more word to me, you WILL be hurting." Lovely.
That was in mid- August, which was around the time he found out eye hadn't called my dad, which also happened toward the beginning of June. A couple of days later, when eye verified eye'd be getting my school money, eye printed it out for him. And at this point, eye wasn't going to bother being nice of trying to get on his good side. Eye didn't even care about... future plans regarding him. Eye threw the paper on his coffee table and said how this took care of bills and rent through June. "But if you want me to leave, so be it." And this was when he finally changed his tune, when eye didn't give a shit anymore. Funny how that happens.
So now it's back to the school routine, and there have been way too many lazy days, which eye'm fixing now. There have been too many days of overindulgence as well, deciding to go have a shot 4-6 times in a day instead of 2-3. Now that eye've stopped that - of course eye'm having difficulties with it not even kicking in, and so at least once a day, eye'll have a "do-over." That seems to defeat the whole purpose of cutting down the number of times eye do it. Also what seems to be requisite in my shooting experience lately is hitting an artery at least every couple of days. Tons of fun!
Getting older it seems, instead of making me despise myself, it just gives me even more younger people with whom to get very irritated for acting like "stupid kids."
This summer was a dance of working and not working and trying to survive, some times were easier than others. But there were huge issues regardless of whether finances were stable. For starters, eye was open with Angel regarding something that maybe eye should have never said. He said he appreciated me being honest. He said that it was better. But, it often seemed that it wasn't. His mouth said it was, his principles say that it was. But the way that he was on edge, the way that any other issue was magnified, it seems that as much as he wanted to hold onto that belief, he did not feel that knowledge was better.
In addition to that, there were a couple of times eye needed to call m'eye dad for rent, didn't, and claimed that eye did, while eye worked on getting the money myself. Eye never was able to get quite enough, and he found out. There were quite a few gems that came out of his mouth over the summer, and the first time he found out that eye lied regarding that, was the first time he spoke words to me that stuck.. which of course he denied even saying later on. Upon bringing that up, eye also brought up much of what eye've been holding in for years. His reaction was, "Well this isn't going to work, then." No offers of changing anything, no apologies, nothing of the sort, when his complaints are expected to be met with me modifying my behavior, or at least some kind of compromise.
Another thing that happened was he went on this "clean" kick. He has medication, so it's not like he's going to go sick because of it. This caused unbelievable strain on everything. It didn't matter to him that eye don't buy all that often, or if eye'm doing it in the other room, if eye don't bring up the subject, or that eye don't sit there nodding out in front of him. Eye didn't encourage him to use. None of that mattered. He was staying off of it just fine, but just knowing eye do it stressed him out.
Also, any time eye don't have income, every little thing becomes a huge deal. To use a cliche, all of this was "a recipe for disaster." So many times, he told me eye needed to leave, eye needed to find somewhere else to live. He's said things like that before, although usually he says that he's the one leaving, and it's a reaction to something, and he's done feeling that way within a few days. Typically when that happens, eye act as sweet as can be, and do all these little things for him, keep the house clean even though eye'm not typically the one making messes and am busy, all to get on his good side and it fixes everything. This time, it pretty much didn't work. Every once in a while, he'd talk about how he sees us together for a long time, or we can figure it out. But later he'd deny saying anything like that. One time he said that he never said he changed his mind and that eye could stay - even though eye never said that he had mentioned it at all! It's silly to deny things that you aren't being accused of.
It gets exhausting to be the only one who changes anything, to have to bend and bend even in times of not being "in the wrong." One night, eye brought up all these things regarding what he does wrong, all the ways that he's being unfair. And out pops another gold nugget from his mouth. "If you say one more word to me, you WILL be hurting." Lovely.
That was in mid- August, which was around the time he found out eye hadn't called my dad, which also happened toward the beginning of June. A couple of days later, when eye verified eye'd be getting my school money, eye printed it out for him. And at this point, eye wasn't going to bother being nice of trying to get on his good side. Eye didn't even care about... future plans regarding him. Eye threw the paper on his coffee table and said how this took care of bills and rent through June. "But if you want me to leave, so be it." And this was when he finally changed his tune, when eye didn't give a shit anymore. Funny how that happens.
So now it's back to the school routine, and there have been way too many lazy days, which eye'm fixing now. There have been too many days of overindulgence as well, deciding to go have a shot 4-6 times in a day instead of 2-3. Now that eye've stopped that - of course eye'm having difficulties with it not even kicking in, and so at least once a day, eye'll have a "do-over." That seems to defeat the whole purpose of cutting down the number of times eye do it. Also what seems to be requisite in my shooting experience lately is hitting an artery at least every couple of days. Tons of fun!
Getting older it seems, instead of making me despise myself, it just gives me even more younger people with whom to get very irritated for acting like "stupid kids."
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