Last semester, eye ended up with mostly B's. But eye failed Spanish, which is really to be expected, considering that on test days, eye would be studying before class, then feel "not ready" so eye wouldn't even go. Eye had to pay for the class over the summer, joy of joys. But at least was prepared, eye suppose.
This summer was a dance of working and not working and trying to survive, some times were easier than others. But there were huge issues regardless of whether finances were stable. For starters, eye was open with Angel regarding something that maybe eye should have never said. He said he appreciated me being honest. He said that it was better. But, it often seemed that it wasn't. His mouth said it was, his principles say that it was. But the way that he was on edge, the way that any other issue was magnified, it seems that as much as he wanted to hold onto that belief, he did not feel that knowledge was better.
In addition to that, there were a couple of times eye needed to call m'eye dad for rent, didn't, and claimed that eye did, while eye worked on getting the money myself. Eye never was able to get quite enough, and he found out. There were quite a few gems that came out of his mouth over the summer, and the first time he found out that eye lied regarding that, was the first time he spoke words to me that stuck.. which of course he denied even saying later on. Upon bringing that up, eye also brought up much of what eye've been holding in for years. His reaction was, "Well this isn't going to work, then." No offers of changing anything, no apologies, nothing of the sort, when his complaints are expected to be met with me modifying my behavior, or at least some kind of compromise.
Another thing that happened was he went on this "clean" kick. He has medication, so it's not like he's going to go sick because of it. This caused unbelievable strain on everything. It didn't matter to him that eye don't buy all that often, or if eye'm doing it in the other room, if eye don't bring up the subject, or that eye don't sit there nodding out in front of him. Eye didn't encourage him to use. None of that mattered. He was staying off of it just fine, but just knowing eye do it stressed him out.
Also, any time eye don't have income, every little thing becomes a huge deal. To use a cliche, all of this was "a recipe for disaster." So many times, he told me eye needed to leave, eye needed to find somewhere else to live. He's said things like that before, although usually he says that he's the one leaving, and it's a reaction to something, and he's done feeling that way within a few days. Typically when that happens, eye act as sweet as can be, and do all these little things for him, keep the house clean even though eye'm not typically the one making messes and am busy, all to get on his good side and it fixes everything. This time, it pretty much didn't work. Every once in a while, he'd talk about how he sees us together for a long time, or we can figure it out. But later he'd deny saying anything like that. One time he said that he never said he changed his mind and that eye could stay - even though eye never said that he had mentioned it at all! It's silly to deny things that you aren't being accused of.
It gets exhausting to be the only one who changes anything, to have to bend and bend even in times of not being "in the wrong." One night, eye brought up all these things regarding what he does wrong, all the ways that he's being unfair. And out pops another gold nugget from his mouth. "If you say one more word to me, you WILL be hurting." Lovely.
That was in mid- August, which was around the time he found out eye hadn't called my dad, which also happened toward the beginning of June. A couple of days later, when eye verified eye'd be getting my school money, eye printed it out for him. And at this point, eye wasn't going to bother being nice of trying to get on his good side. Eye didn't even care about... future plans regarding him. Eye threw the paper on his coffee table and said how this took care of bills and rent through June. "But if you want me to leave, so be it." And this was when he finally changed his tune, when eye didn't give a shit anymore. Funny how that happens.
So now it's back to the school routine, and there have been way too many lazy days, which eye'm fixing now. There have been too many days of overindulgence as well, deciding to go have a shot 4-6 times in a day instead of 2-3. Now that eye've stopped that - of course eye'm having difficulties with it not even kicking in, and so at least once a day, eye'll have a "do-over." That seems to defeat the whole purpose of cutting down the number of times eye do it. Also what seems to be requisite in my shooting experience lately is hitting an artery at least every couple of days. Tons of fun!
Getting older it seems, instead of making me despise myself, it just gives me even more younger people with whom to get very irritated for acting like "stupid kids."
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
>( ~ *) >( ~ *) >( ~ *)
You would cry too if it happened to you.
What? A post of substance right after such a long absence? Don't think so!
What? A post of substance right after such a long absence? Don't think so!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Home Is Where Your Eyes Are!
Ok, so a couple of days turned into nearly a couple of weeks. Go figure.
The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks. They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks. Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away. They had not yet been de-feathered. Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me. Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down. Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive. So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering! The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death. Eye was horrified. Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment. It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.
There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills. Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does. He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money. However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day. So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned. Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.
Today eye checked on grades. Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not. There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else. However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly.
Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something. It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing. The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else. Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up." So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people. And they probably think that they're getting "high on life."
Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while. However, it was hotter inside than outside. Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house. it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house. As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot. For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.
Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever. She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times. These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws. However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable. She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to. Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.
The other night, eye had a dream involving baby ducks. They were black ducks with a shiny green ring of feathers around their necks. Eye saw two on a cooking pan, one close to me, one further away. They had not yet been de-feathered. Eye then saw hands placing a new baby duck on the pan next to the one that was farther away from me. Eye heard a sizzling sound, and then eye saw it curl its head down. Eye looked closer, and it appeared that the baby duck was still alive. So, this asshole was putting live ducks on a searing hot pan, and they were suffering! The baby duck closest to me was dead, and the second duck looked like it was near death. Eye was horrified. Other dreams that night included drug nightmares and police harassment. It's been quite a while since eye've had any nightmares regarding drugs.
There was about a week and a half or so eye was overindulgent regarding heroin, doing about twice what eye should be doing, and at the same time, Angel was borrowing from me since he was low on pills. Eye really wish he'd regulate his medication a lot better than he does. He definitely borrows at a rate much higher than he can afford to pay back, but it's not like eye haven't run up tabs with him before in times that eye don't have money. However, he uses at least twice the amount eye do in a day. So now, eye get to over-correct for what's happened, and then find ways to make money to cover me until the end of the semester, having to come up with more by an earlier date than planned. Eye have options, eye just need to act on them.
Today eye checked on grades. Eye was pleasantly surprised in the way that eye assumed eye was doing terribly, and eye'm not. There have been mistakes made in the way of sleeping through a couple of classes, and not focusing on homework and reading textbooks as much as eye should be, times that eye've treated school as if it were just work - something you go to, then just come home, not working on anything else. However, the times eye've done this have not screwed me over, and eye have already started correcting it and have gone back to treating it more responsibly.
Veins have been doing this strange thing lately, in the way of injection that don't kick in, like there's something blocking them or something. It takes a while, but eventually illness dissipates and pupils constrict, but all the while "feeling" nothing. The silly theory eye came up with is that the high is going to someone else. Years ago, in times when eye was not using drugs, and usually while driving, eye would get this sudden Whoosh of being "fucked up." So in conclusion, eye decided that back then, eye was catching someone else's buzz, and now eye'm returning the favor to some other people. And they probably think that they're getting "high on life."
Our house, not having a central heating and cooling system, had decided to trap a bunch of hot air inside because it was getting warmer for a while. However, it was hotter inside than outside. Luckily, a storm came in this weekend, so eye opened up the house. it took a couple of days of wind for hell to be blown out of the house. As much as cold has its inconveniences, such as having to leave the blankets to go to the kitchen or bathroom, it's much more uncomfortable walking around in an oh-so-sexy tied up shirt, and even then still being hot. For some reason, eye can acclimate to outdoor heat a lot better than eye can with indoor heat.
Luabelle is as cute and obnoxious as ever. She insists on finding a spot to lay on me, no matter how difficult a position eye choose in order to encourage her not to at times. These spots include chest and shoulder, and she really likes using claws. However, she's been enjoying spending time with me under the blanket quite frequently, which is adorable. She rarely used to, while Baby did almost any chance she got to. Eye'm glad that she's always been healthy, so should keep me company for many years to come.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
iZigg
A post of more substance to follow within the next couple of days.
<3
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
- from Repo Men, 2010. Song - Moloko - Sing It Back
Gotta love it... Over break, eye was the recipient of a LOVELY abscess on m'eye thigh. It started out as pain, then to hardness, then to discoloration (pink, purple, yellow, green) over about 1/3 the front of m'eye thigh. Then the discoloration faded away and it just turned into a big, regular abscess. It actually came up quite quickly, up to the point where the layer of skin covering it was very thin. It was obnoxious throughout the whole process, from before eye was sure what it would become, through the stage of it "becoming," as an abscess, cutting it open, packing and cleaning it every day, all the way up to stitching - every day walking, getting up, being in certain positions - all painful. Angel had to cut a three-inch long opening. It ended up being an inch deep (he didn't cut THAT far down, eye think half an inch or so, but the infection itself made it that deep) and half an inch wide. Night after night, squeezing m'eye nails into the side of m'eye thigh as a distraction, harder depending on what he was doing - packing in gauze is the worst, by the way. After the infection was cleared out, which took about a week or so, he stitched me up. These are the first stitches eye've ever had. Eye watched this scene of Repo Men on the last night of cleaning and then stitching, eye wish eye'd thought of it earlier. And it would be lovely to have some kind of material that automatically seals wounds, like they have in this scene.
The same night he started the thigh abscess process, he said he wanted to "just check" the one on m'eye hand, to see how far down it went, he was going to make "just a tiny cut." Trickery! He made the cut, then said, "Oh, it's farther down than eye thought." Cut more, then started squeezing. Squeezing an abscess on a bony area feels completely different than a fatty area. Then he cleaned it up and bandaged it. We haven't done anything else with it, but it appears to need one more cut and squeeze session. There was a tiny one on m'eye arm that had opened on its own and occasionally leaked out in two spots, and he squeezed out that one, too. One of m'eye friends decided to start calling me Spongebob because of all of the holes in me.
This morning while running across the street to catch the bus, eye slipped and fell on the ground. M'eye water and juice bottle spilled out of their side pockets of m'eye backpack and rolled away. There was a car in a different lane, and they stopped for me, even though eye wasn't in front of them. Eye'm lucky that the road was pretty clear of cars, but it was terrifying, imagining some car not seeing me and just running over me. Eye have a scraped knee, elbows, and palms, but the stitches are intact.
Eye'm liking school, eye seem to have remembered more of Spanish from last semester than eye would have expected. Our last in-class assignment that involved formulating and answering questions in Spanish, involving the material we had just learned, plus how to formulate sentences and vocabulary from last semester - we had to do it with a partner, then the professor went around the class asking us each for an example. We both thought that we didn't do well, but we did it just as we were supposed to do. We have an upcoming Anthropology assignment that amuses me - we have to ride a hotel elevator for about half an hour and observe "the customs of riding an elevator in Vegas."
Well, eye have about half an hour before eye have to head toward class, so eye'm going to attempt to catch up on blogs.
*P.S. - Sorry if comments aren't showing up... something's up with this site on this computer.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Awful
Eye recently learned that an ex-boyfriend of a good friend got arrested for breaking into a warehouse, skinning and eating a cat, and then wearing the tail as a necklace! His excuse was "just getting out of jail and being homeless and hungry." Horrifying, absolutely the worst. Eye thought it was bad when an ex-roommate went and shot his sleeping father and burned down the house, back in the fall of 2008. (Neither of these people are into heroin, by the way.) But this cat occurance, to me, is much, much worse than the guy shooting the father who abused him on a couple of occasions. What can eye say? Eye have more of a soft spot for animals than people. And, of course, the ex-girlfriend is busy defending him to anyone who's heated about this event - whether they are just horrified or if they are making fun of him... Eye seem to remember him treating her not too well, and she's been with someone new for over a year, so why she feels the need to stand up for him, eye haven't a clue and don't understand. Oh, the winners with whom eye am acquainted!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Back to the Swing of Things
Yeah it's been a while. Busy with school, then a lazy week of dope, Dilaudid, and sleeping pills, then school computers were closed as eye curled up sick in bed or ran around attempting to make money. Eye DID on and off keep up with most people's blogs, but cannot comment to them by phone, and if eye log into m'eye own blog on the phone, it shuts the stupid thing off.
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
School started today, appeal went through, obviously. Eye did... decently. Last semester gave me three B's and an A, though eye spent the last weeks of the semester freaking out that eye'd fail everything, which eye usually think. The times eye didn't think that were back when eye was fucking off school & thought eye could fix it all with the finals. Tuesdays and Thursdays, eye get to sleep in, then go take care of an online class, and have an in-person class at 5:30. Mondays and Wednesdays, first class is at 10:00, then eye have an hour and a half in-between, and another class at 1:00. Anthropology, Logic, Philosophy, and the one that makes me nervous is second-semester Spanish.
Angel found his biological father. He found the phone number and address online a year ago, but was too scared to call him. He finally did, right around the end of the semester. It wasn't at all the joyous reunion he'd hoped for. His father's wife listened in, Angel was someone she wanted to pretend doesn't exist because at the time he was born, his wife was pregnant - he was in the military and the two were separated at the time, the father and Angel's mom were "shacking up" at the time on the military base, and at the same time, she was married too, but living away from home. Fun stuff. Anyway, his father kept asking/telling him about child support, asking if he's SURE that's not the reason he's calling, and saying that he had nothing to give. What he wants is a father figure, not some dude's money, and eye doubt someone can get child support back-payments long after they're an adult, anyway.
Winter break wasn't too pleasant. School library - closed. Angel - gone to his mom's out of state. Me - at first had extra Dilaudid, but stupidly decided BINGE, not Save! He owed me $80 and anyway, and was expecting Christmas money from his grandparents, which they send to his mom every year. Eye attempted to cash m'eye own money order which was for rent, would have spent the $80 he owed me, put the rest back in another rent money order with the landlord's name on it (which yes, eye could manage, eye DO have self control, DUH - last semester's drug stash lasted through the semester, and any time eye have jobs, eye can ration to get through til the next pay day.) That didn't work, so eye just sold off some gift cards, (which would've been next after that $80) but that doesn't last forever. So, Christmas was spent huddled in the back bedroom, alone, half dose for the day. Day after Christmas, had a Suboxone, half worked. Lived off of old cottons for a couple of days, which kept me from vomiting everywhere, but still felt rather crappy. Ended up with another gift card to sell. New Year's was a repeat of the time around Christmas. Ended up seeing the landlord while in quite an insane sleep-deprived state. Edges of poster and wall moving, flashes of light and mini-hallucinations, flight of thought and ideas that ranged from actual good ideas to just silly and impossible. Sensory overload - eye could hear the TV volume loud & clear on level 1, ther back neighbor who'd moved out - eye still heard him taking a bath every day, and with the phone on silent, eye could still hear a CLICK every time a text came in. Eye let one of our tweeker "friends" run off to sell a card for me, and never saw him again, but hell - desperation. "You can run a junkie around everywhere and they'll do anything, long as they think dope's coming at the end." During the first encounter with detox in his absence, quite the lovely suicide note was written, but obviously eye didn't bother buying a nice big blade. Angel's mom HATES me, she didn't give him cash to make sure nothing was going to me, she went with him to buy stuff for himself, instead, listened to all of our phone conversations, etc. So - nothing from him. Barely eeking by included two credits, which eye had to pay back double to get, and a bit of.... compromise here and there. Dying veins and impatience led to the lovely experience of hitting an artery, and two horrible abscesses, which we're getting rid of later tonight. The night before he came back, eye had a nightmare that a friend took me to a cabin, eye overslept til noon, so didn't end up getting back in time to pick him up from the bus station at 7am. Awake, sick, and in the tub, eye turned on the dying cell phone to a text message from him saying he knows about this and that, thanks for not picking him up, don't bother coming home. Woke up to a call from him saying he'd be home in about an hour, get up and go to meet him, we're getting loaded. Nightmare over, the dream and the living one from when he was gone.
We have a new neighbor, who may be bipolar, or may be a tweeker or something. Eye heard him moving around back there (his back wall is attached to our back bedroom - the house was a three bedroom house that the landlord converted to a studio and two-bedroom) at all hours for days and days, and then all of the sudden - nothing for an entire day or so, and then started hearing him again yesterday. He moved in about four or five days before Angel got back.
Well, now bills and such for this while semester are pre-bought, eye have money orders already made out to the people they need to go to, eye have MORE than enough set aside for school books, and eye'm set for three months drug-wise, and have other money for things like cat food, cigarettes, etc. Eye have pretty much a guaranteed summer job, where eye've worked before and we parted on good terms. What eye need to figure out in between school and then, is a source of income to set myself up for rainy days, the bad times ALWAYS come eventually, and eye don't want to go through anything like Christmas break unless eye choose to at some point.
Well, it's off to go do a price-check on school books. Nice as SOME of the vacation was (like the very beginning and the final six days), it's nice to be back in the "swing of things."
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